| Is there any way to counter "just friends"?
Posted: 6/5/2009 6:52:00 PM | I need help here ladies. I chatted with this woman for about six months, had great communication. We've dated for a couple of weeks and it has been great. But I'm CRAZY about her and it's not coming back to me. She says that I'm the only one that she is dating at this time, but she wants me to slow down. "Give me time please, be cool, be patient with me." That's okay, but she did actually give me the dreaded "friend lecture" and I got really ticked because I've been there before. Usually I simply disappear after being told that a woman wants me for a friend, but she could see what an awful effect she'd had and she explained that she REALLY wants to be close friends and wants someone she can depend on when the chips are down.
She's made some nice dinners for me, some fun dates.
We have not slept together yet.
Oh yeah, she said that it would be okay if I date other women, but then she ASKS me if I'm dating other women! I said well, what do you care if we're only friends? Then she says nevermind. I'm too old for this testing nonsense.
And I bought her a couple of little things, but she sort of ruins it by saying, "I have never asked you for anything." WTF???? I didn't like that at all. Is that girl code for I don't wanna be obligated to you? That's how I took it.
But she's really very sweet, beautiful, intelligent, etc.
Yeah, I'm sprung if you wanna know the truth. It's PAINFUL, because it just isn't coming back to me, at least not yet. She's saying give it time, be patient, I like you, don't rush me, etc. etc.
But I wonder whether it can be turned around. I mean, this is my question ladies...if you have given the dude the friend lecture, is there any hope of it becoming more than that? Or is it just a waste of time once a guy has been labeled that way?
I've never been good at games and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I would marry this woman and have kids with her...but I wonder if she'll give me the chance.
One time a woman gave me the friend lecture, oh man, and I hung in for about three hours, long enough to change her oil! Haha! I'm serious. I ended that "friendship" really quick.
My take is that it's a way for women to use and abuse a guy who's into them more than they are into him.
BUT, maybe I can turn it around? Help!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| Is there any way to counter just friends?
Posted: 6/5/2009 7:40:55 PM | | Nope, I'm afraid with me it's quickly determined and pretty permanent. I either have attraction or I don't...and if I don't I never will. | |
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| Is there any way to counter just friends?
Posted: 6/5/2009 7:44:29 PM | | I think you should back off. Don't be her doormat. She pretty much told you to date other women, why don't you do just that. That'll fix her wagon. | |
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| Is there any way to counter just friends?
Posted: 6/5/2009 8:02:04 PM | I'm sorry. I can feel your heartache 
No woman that had romantic feelings for a man would EVER tell him to date other woman ... just wouldn't happen. To me, that is the biggest red flag of them all from your post. | |
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| Is there any way to counter just friends?
Posted: 6/5/2009 8:46:30 PM | I think talking with someone for 6 months (I'm assuming before you met) is waaaay too long. No wonder you got put in the friend's zone. To answer your question - no, I've never taken a bf that was in the friend's zone. He was put there because there was no chemistry. I either have to feel it very quickly, or it won't be there at all. She may be different. She may be able to develope chemistry over time. That's something you should ask her about. And no, if I had a romantic interests in someone, I would never tell him to date someone else.
HR  | |
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| Is there any way to counter just friends?
Posted: 6/5/2009 9:13:44 PM | This can be totally be turned around.
It's one of the hardest things to do. But it can be done.
How much are you will to change? How much are you willing to adapt?
Cheers | |
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| Is there any way to counter just friends?
Posted: 6/5/2009 9:23:17 PM | Sorry to say it but I agree with all the other women so far. There is no woman who would have feelings for you and then tell you it's okay to date other women. We don't work that way, period. Think about it, would you tell this woman, knowing how you feel about her, that it's alright for her to date other men?
I'm sorry for your heartache, I've been there and it feels horrible ... but this woman isn't going to give you what you want, no matter how hard you try to make it happen.
I either feel it for a man or I don't ... if I feel it, nothing keeps me from expressing it, and if I don't, nothing will make me want to. | |
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| Is there any way to counter just friends?
Posted: 6/5/2009 9:34:54 PM | What I read is that you have feelings for her mainly from emailing over 6 months (you say chatted and then dating for a short time??)....it sounds like you built up a fantasy? | |
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| Is there any way to counter just friends?
Posted: 6/5/2009 10:07:59 PM | Sounds like she thinks you're a great guy and wants to feel something for you, but she doesn't. She's hoping you have something else going for you because she wants out of the situation but isn't willing to break it off with someone who is "so nice". In short you aren't in the friends zone, you're in the "he's so nice I wish I was attracted to him zone but I'm not". And why not? Because you're so nice.
In short, sorry, it ain't gonna happen. Best cut yourself off and try to get over it before you over attach yourself and get completely burned. | |
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| Is there any way to counter just friends?
Posted: 6/5/2009 10:46:21 PM | Wow this is a tough one Is she getting over someone else ?
I wouldn't play games and go out with other people if you are into her but I would start doing something else with your freetime besides being at her disposal.
Usually when a woman says its okay to see other people it means that she likes you and knows she would miss you but she just can't give you what you want.
IF she has been talking for 6 month and just now started dating she is very hesitant and usually there is a reason why.
I don't know if its possible to turn it around but I would set a time limit for myself so you don't feel like you will have to suffer for years. | |
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| Is there any way to counter just friends?
Posted: 6/5/2009 10:51:18 PM | You've built things up in your mind from spending all that time emailing. You say you've only been dating "for a couple of weeks," so I actually agree with her, you need to slow down and actually get to know her IN PERSON before you decide she is "the one" and get all desperate and emotional.
To me, it sounds like she does like you but since she's only actually known you in the real world for a matter of days, she's quite sensibly trying to take things easy. And she's asked you very nicely to relax, don't do it, take it easy. With a please, even!
If you really have feelings for her, get ahold of yourself and take the time to get to know her better. If not, you will force her to drive you away like an overeager hound. | |
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| Is there any way to counter just friends?
Posted: 6/5/2009 11:26:01 PM |
I hate to hear this...this is the one I really really want bigtime
If she was fawning all over you, would you still want her? If y'all had already had sex and she wanted you to not see anyone else....would you still feel the same way? Perhaps this mega attraction you have for her is because you can't have her the way you want her. What's that cheesy saying....let it go and if it comes back it's good to go? or something? | |
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| Is there any way to counter just friends?
Posted: 6/6/2009 12:18:39 AM | | Been there myself. And its one of things thats good and still kinda sucks.Personally I wouldnt hold out for her because the only times these situations reverse themselves is in 80's movies staring Molly Ringwald | |
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| Is there any way to counter just friends?
Posted: 6/6/2009 3:22:24 AM | Op,you chatted for 6 mths but have only dated for 2 weeks and you're sounding waaay too forceful and desperate to me.
Sorry,but i dont think she's feelin' it and wants you to back off.
Good luck ! | |
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| Is there any way to counter just friends?
Posted: 6/6/2009 3:31:23 AM | ""What's that cheesy saying....let it go and if it comes back it's good to go? or something""
It's: " Let it go and if it comes back to you KILL IT!!!" | |
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| Is there any way to counter just friends?
Posted: 6/6/2009 3:52:07 AM | Thanks for all of the input. I do have a backoff battle plan now.
I feel silly for getting sprung so quickly, but hey folks, it HAPPENS like that sometimes.
Like others have said, attraction is immediate, and I believe beyond our control for the most part, with hormones and pheremones and biology ruling the show.
I'm going to let go and see if she comes back... | |
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| Is there any way to counter just friends?
Posted: 6/6/2009 5:16:01 AM | OP.
I have some serious advice. It may not seem that way, but I assure you it is.
Try being a****
You are WAAAY too safe and nice. You're a very nice, good hearted man. I can tell so just in how you write. Women like to read about men like this (novels, emails, etc) but as for attraction...
A girl likes a bit of danger or mystery.
I think you've made yourself far too available. She can tell you to be patient.... because she knows you'll still be there.
You've talked to her for over half a year! Fcuk that!
My best suggestion is to take her up on her "offer" to date other women. I don't think she really expects you to follow through with it.
I mean, I usually don't condone this sort of thing because it reeks of, "games".... but put her in the friend zone.
You heard me.
Put HER in the friend zone.
Date another girl or girls. Tell her all about her. Treat her like she's a buddy - and a homely matron instead of your hot interest.
The only way to get out of the friend zone is to turn it around. But it's a serious psychological mind fcuk and not for everyone.
Still, it's a win win. You may get the girl, or you may find someone even better! Additionally, if things do go sour, you get to learn a lot about her TRUE character - and not just what you think she is.
I've given this advice to friends before - and it's been successful for them. The biggest thing is that if you are all hung up over her, she has all the power. When anyone has all the power (man or woman - this is a human thing - not a gender thing) we tend to lose interest.
Take your power back.
-Josh | |
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| Is there any way to counter just friends?
Posted: 6/6/2009 11:11:05 AM | maybe I am quite younger than you, but I would stop going after a girl like that. I'd try to make her come to me. Go with other girls and give her a lot less attention but do stay in touch and let her take her time.
If she's still not jealous/interested in you, move on - you've already taken the first step ;-) | |
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