| Please Help Me FIgure It Out
Posted: 6/7/2009 5:16:28 AM | I was dating a widower. He has an adopted
son.Seemingly so nice but so moody. We seemed to like each other. Flowers on the first date even. He seemed in to me. We slept together. But then he turned on me...FAST! My brother was a grief couselor and says he has grief issues and is passive aggresive. He dumped me at a restauarant before the food came. I walked out and waited ten minutes for him to pay. He never came out. And then I walked 5 miles home in the rain. I finally called a friend to give me a ride home.What a mess. He planned the break up somehow I think. He is sadistic almost and seems to get off on hurting women. Anyone know people like this? | |
|
| Please Help Me FIgure It Out
Posted: 6/7/2009 7:03:30 AM | Don't accept dates from men who recently lost their wives of 15 plus year...either in death or divorce..
I have found that they are not really ready to date....some are on here just to get physical satifactions only. It's like cheating on a memory of what life was all about before the divorce/death of their spouse.
Don't give out all the goodies so fast if you decide to accept their invitations..
Yes , we are all adult and have those longing to be with someone special...but just don't give your body to someone who just wants to use it and they are gone... | |
|
| Please Help Me FIgure It Out
Posted: 6/7/2009 10:19:57 AM | | Thank you!!!! How did u know? You are so intuitive. He wanted me to suffer somehow.I guess. Thanks u understand! | |
|
| |
| Please Help Me FIgure It Out
Posted: 6/7/2009 10:40:32 AM | You do not say how long you two were dating before the break up, nor do you say how long you dated before sleeping together. Both can and will make a difference to those that are not on the same page that you just might be on.
If he planned on dumping you, and used a public place, he might be thinking that you are the type to be over emotional, and reactive to the point of making it much larger than what it should be, so he decided to do it where you might have to control yourself more.
The fact that you just up and left the table, and establishment, and waited for him to follow you, does seem to lend some credibility to how he might have feared you would react to a break up. Maybe you should have stayed and talked some, had dinner, let the emotions settle down some, and then discuss it on the way home together, and leave each other with some dignity?
It always hurts when one leaves another, especially if not even expecting it, and you do not say if you knew it was heading in that direction or not. He might not have wanted you to suffer, but realized that you two were just not meant to be as a couple, so why continue on with something that was not working for him.
I would look at it this way.......that you enjoyed someone special, even if not lasting the way you wanted, you had some good times, good sex, and good memories, and let it go as another experience in life and living.
Why flame someone when it takes two to make a relationship, and two to break one up, just as it does with a marriage. I am sorry for your pain, but maybe it is time to learn from it, gain some insight for not only those you just might want to know, but yourself as well, and move on.
Just my opinion..........   | |
|
| Please Help Me FIgure It Out
Posted: 6/7/2009 11:03:30 AM | It sounds like your ex may suffer from a serious personality disorder that causes their spouse or partner to go nearly crazy trying to figure out what they said or did wrong. It is called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It usually is due to sustained abuse or trauma experienced in early childhood, which causes the person's defenses (and other emotional characteristics) to be frozen at the level of a young child. The result is that the person typically is warm and affectionate acting when you meet them. That would explain why your ex was "seemingly so nice."
Moreover, due to their lack of a stable self image or ego, they will readily adopt the personality and preferences of any person they are attracted to -- so much so that you will feel you have met your "soul mate." That would explain why he quickly "seemed into me," as you say. Also, during the initial honeymoon period, they are extremely passionate -- to the point that you may find the s*x intoxicating and the best you have ever experienced.
Another trait of BPD is enormous hurt and anger carried from childhood. That anger is easily triggered by anyone who becomes intimate with him. The trigger, which can be any silly action or meaningless comment, can cause a mood swing from one extreme (adoring you) to the other (hating you) in 15 seconds or less. That would explain why "...he turned on me...FAST!"
The hateful, mean moods usually last five hours to maybe a day or two. During that period, the behavior often is cruel, or even sadistic, as you describe. Note that this rapid swing is very different from the gradual mood swings occurring with bipolar disorder. The latter, which is caused by gradual changes in body chemistry, typically causes mood swings lasting several weeks or longer. I mention this because some people suffer from both BPD and bipolar disorder, causing many other people to wrongly believe that bipolar causes the mean behavior.
If this love-you and hate-you behavior sounds familiar to you, I suggest that you read the short article at BPDfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm. It is the best concise description of what a relationship is like with a person who has high functioning BPD. Other good information can be found at BPDcentral.com and BPD411.org. I have summarized much of that information in forum posts, which you can access by clicking my "History" on the left. Yet, because I am not a psychologist, you would do better to go the three websites themselves. | |
|
| Please Help Me FIgure It Out
Posted: 6/7/2009 11:14:38 AM | He turned on you. Just like that? Or was there some specific exchange of words, or some other event?
If you were chit chatting about the weather, all smiles and moonbeams, and then a scowl crossed his face and he dumped you, then it does sound like he mas a rare mood disorder and possibly from grief.
But if you were talking about something and disagreed, rubbed him the wrong way, blew your nose at the table, stole a fry from his plate, or did something specific that set him off, then let's hear the other side of the story. People usually react to things. What was he reacting to? | |
|
| Please Help Me FIgure It Out
Posted: 6/7/2009 12:10:26 PM | | hello, Im sorry to hear about your bad exprience. From my exprience men just suck sometimes My advice and what I am doing right now is to suck up ALL of the positive comments say about u. Feel good about yourself!!!!! you deserve it, hun! And hang in there! best of luck to you! | |
|
| Please Help Me FIgure It Out
Posted: 6/7/2009 1:49:30 PM | So once he got sex he turned on you; wow havent' heard that before;
You need to choose better; this has nothing to do with grief; he just wasnt' all into you and once you slept together, decided he wanted to move on;
you are trying to make this out to be something deep but it's not. He was looking for a good time and he's just not that into you. | |
|
| Please Help Me FIgure It Out
Posted: 6/7/2009 6:10:32 PM | | Thank You for the opinion. However, this is not the case. We were dating for some time..more that 4 months. And he had to work hard to see me. We lived 45 minutes apart. So, the "hels just not that in to you" movie reference doesnlt apply. This individual is griefing and I honestly am trying to unsderstand if "widowers" get pass the grief..but thanks! | |
|
| Please Help Me FIgure It Out
Posted: 6/7/2009 6:16:54 PM | I do. There are some people that are so messed up in life ...
And the only thing that is super important is to know that this had
nothing to do with you. You guys could have dated for a year and then
slept together and he would have done the same thing.
THANK GOD - he showed his true colors early on. I am sorry that you
had to experience that. No one deserves that. Its really pathetic because there
are men and women out there that premeditate falling in love and then get joy in hurting someone. The only advice is that for you to NOT feed into the victim game and even
feel sorry for him. The minute he abused you is the minute he lost you forever. There
is never a reason to be so cruel to anyone in this world especially someone who is a widower. NO EXCUSE!
DO yourself a favor - make your profile visible to world and be excited to date -
widower to you name it - the right one is the one who treats you right in the long run.
And don't have any rules. The right one will love you for you and you alone. And that is the beautiful part about love. It might find its way into your heart in a month from now or a in 10 years from now - does not matter - but when it does happen - you will feel it through and through. | |
|
| Please Help Me FIgure It Out
Posted: 6/7/2009 6:17:42 PM | | Thanks for these sites. This exactly how he acted all the time. Moody and mean and then loving and kind 5 hours to 24 later.Biarre to say the least. His grief I think triggered it. His Mom has this UNBELIEVEABLE postive effect. But he turned fast. And would get ugly with me. So strange. But I think he is just messed up! A dead wife and a single Dad is pushing him over the edge. | |
|
| Please Help Me FIgure It Out
Posted: 6/8/2009 8:46:37 AM |
This exactly how he acted all the time. Moody and mean and then loving and kind 5 hours to 24 later.Biarre to say the least. His grief I think triggered it.
moody and mean all the time??? sheesh, who CARES what triggered it!!!
you seem like a sweet lady....would you really want to date someone like him? and what if you married him? imagine how sad and stressful your life would become. it's so much nicer to be with good people who don't have Moody and Mean lurking around in their closet. your own sweet disposition would never rub off and sweetie him up.
best wishes,
leslie | |
|
dvlish
|
Joined: 4/14/2009
Msg: 14 | |
| hey
Posted: 6/9/2009 5:27:48 AM | hello luv, i can be like that at times maybe bcos of my past happenings dnt trust anyone who rushes into pleasure.if he can't enjoy the pleasure from ur personality then u should fuk him off straight up very quikly coz guys are like vultures we SEE,GRAB N SCATTER so  | |
|
| Please Help Me FIgure It Out
Posted: 6/9/2009 6:27:32 AM | OP, you say that the three BPD websites describe "exactly how he acted all the time," with him being "moody and mean and then loving and kind 5 hours to 24 later." If he has strong traits of Borderline Personality Disorder, as you now suspect, then two of your comments seem incorrect.
One is your statement that "he planned the break up somehow I think." BPD sufferers can change from loving to mean in just 15 seconds, as seems to have occurred at the restaurant table with you. They don't plan it, however. Rather, they tend to react to what is going on around them. Hence, he likely was triggered by some minor thing you did or said. If it had not occurred then, it likely would have occurred a few days later in response to some other minor comment. The reason is that, with BPD, the person is usually uncomfortable when you are close (i.e., too intimate) or far away (i.e., too likely to abandon him). There is no middle ground.
The other questionable statement is your speculation that "he...seems to get off on hurting women." That could be true if he were a sociopath or has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. High-functioning BPD sufferers, however, usually try to be kind and caring and can even make very good nurses. They tend to show their bad side only to a spouse or partner who is intimate enough to pose a threat of abandoning them or suffocating them with intimacy.
In mentioning all this, I am NOT trying to encourage you to return to him. Instead, I am simply trying to help you reach "closure" or, as you say, help you "figure it out." Essentially, I am saying it is likely that (a) he loved you to the extent he was capable of it; (b) he did not plan in advance to humiliate you by dumping you in the restaurant; (c) he is truly caring most of the time; and (d) he nonetheless is incapable of sustaining a LTR due to his inability to trust, tolerate intimacy, and handle his fear of abandonment. | |
|
| Please Help Me FIgure It Out
Posted: 6/9/2009 8:27:14 PM | Thanks Dc. This is more helpful than you know. I can't thank-you enough. I am trying to get closure. And it is bizarre. He is absolutely like this. I can't believe you have nailed is personality. A ealier poster said something about Widowers and being married more than 15 years. That may be true. But this is more "insightful" in to how he acted.
We saw this very funny movie. "The Hangover" ..it is in theater now. Laughing and holding hands. We go to dinner. Actually, at his suggestion because I was ready to go home and go to sleep. We went to this Sports Bar that has really good food. I am kind of a sports nut..love Football myself. And there was a baseball game on. I asked to sit on his side so I could see the TV with the game on after we got done ordering food.
And I was kidding around...kind of kicking his leg under the table. In a very flirty manner. And suddenly like a twig he snapped. And started the "I am not feeling it" . I don't want to drive to Tampa anymore. He lives in Lakeland which is 45 minutes away.
I did nothing. And I was like "What". And he repeated himself. I got up to leave the table to colllect myself after feeling utter shock. And he asked me what I wanted him to do with the food we just oderdered. I thought..How bizarre? Who would ask that at a time like this. When you dump this bombshell on me. I said I didn't care and walked out of the restaurant. And proceeded to wait 10 minutes for him to come out and drive me home. Eventually, I just walked home..5 miles to be exact. I think the shock of it all.
And this is him. He can't trust anyone. He seems incapable of having a relationship. And he seems to still care for me because he keeps apologizing now for the behavior he exhibited. But the see-saw of emotions..I can't deal with. So, I believe it is time to move on. But thank-you for enlightening me!
Patti | |
|
Home
login 
