| For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results?
Posted: 6/7/2009 9:53:08 PM | I know there are many threads on here on people who have been cheated on and others about why did he/she cheat. My question here is to the cheaters who have reformed, what did you do to make yourself a better person?
I met someone a few months ago, and the relationship has gotten quite serious with her. As time went on, it got more and more serious.
Because she is getting serious and I really care alot about her, I broke it off today. My reason? I'm going to go into therapy. Main reason, that looking at my past relationships, I've had a pattern of dating for a few years, and eventually I end up cheating on them. I know I have self-esteem issues and obviously am selfish.
I don't want this to happen to this relationship and any other future ones for that matter, and I need to help myself first before I go any further with her. It would also be unfair to ask her to wait, which I would love to do, but that again is selfish behavior. I know I need to change, and going into counseling to deal with my issues is the first step.
To the pattern cheaters, what have you done to fix your life? | |
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| For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results?
Posted: 6/7/2009 10:07:37 PM | | What? You broke up with her so you could go into therapy to save the relationship? Whoa, no wonder women find men so hard to understand. How in the world does that even begin to make sense? How 'bout you tell her your fears and say you think you need some counseling? Maybe she'd even go with you. Geez! | |
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| For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results?
Posted: 6/7/2009 10:28:49 PM | Well, she has two girls. They mean everything to her, and she has had only one relationshp where she introduced the girls to them. The other day she told me she wanted me to meet them.
I don't know, but it clicked in my head, and a wash of guilt went over me. I don't want to go into it thinking of what I could possibly ruin. My best friend is psychologist, and suggested I need to be alone to deal with my issues.
I am not a saint by no means. | |
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| For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results?
Posted: 6/7/2009 10:49:37 PM | Good going Decks...
I may sound like the odd duck out, BUT I do think that there are people who can be chronic cheats and at least believe they loved the people they were with...
It would be HORRIBLE for this lady who has done NOThING to you to be your test mouse, to see how therapy worked or not... At some point you will try being in a relationship, and it does seem much more practical to be giving it a shot AFTER you have gotten to the bottom of your issues...
I know somebody who is a habitual cheater, and for him he justifies that he loves his GF, but she isn't exciting or do ANYTHING past missionary... He also has tried to persuade me to play footsie because "we are supposedly friends..." I have told him many times I am NOT interested in cheating, never have, never will.
I think some people just form patterns of destruction, even when they love a person, there must be some sort of excitement and building of a fallen esteem or confidence by cheating with different people...
JMHO...
GOOD LUCK | |
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| For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results?
Posted: 6/7/2009 10:54:39 PM |
Well, she has two girls. They mean everything to her, and she has had only one relationshp where she introduced the girls to them. The other day she told me she wanted me to meet them.
I don't know, but it clicked in my head, and a wash of guilt went over me. I don't want to go into it thinking of what I could possibly ruin. My best friend is psychologist, and suggested I need to be alone to deal with my issues.
I am not a saint by no means.
Oh ok. That makes sense. Good for you to realize your problem and get help for it | |
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| For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results?
Posted: 6/7/2009 11:46:03 PM | Yeah, I would agree there are people who can be chronic cheats and believe they love the people they are with. Believe being the operative word.
Being a seasoned chronic cheater (if there is a term), saying you love the people you are with is complete and utter denial. All you are doing is being selfish, and using cheating as a mechanism to stroke your own ego or insecurities. You can only blame it on your issues for so long.
Cheating is a selfish act, plain and simple. The catalyst to me wanting to change was her kids. Thinking of meeting them killed me. Since the internet is so anonymous, my dad had cheated on my mom many times even while she was carrying me in her womb.
Those young girls remind me of me. I don't want them to grow up thinking a dysfunctional relationship is the norm because it is all they knew growing up like I did.
When she asked me to meet them, i was honored and at the same time, i told her I don't think I would be a good role model.
I said that because I want to be a good father...enough for them to say, what I want from my future man is someone like my stepdad.
Not this person who I am right now if that makes any sense. | |
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| For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results?
Posted: 6/7/2009 11:59:55 PM | It makes perfect sense to me that you broke up so that you can really work on your issues in therapy. People think they can have it both ways, but it doesn't work well that way, good therapy is hard and takes a lot of effort and can punch you in the gut before you climb out the other side, that last thing a person needs is to try and work on a relationship while trying to work on why they are bad at relationships. I wish you well, but remember therapy only works if you are totally honest and really want to change.  | |
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| For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results?
Posted: 6/8/2009 12:33:16 AM | So do you need a self-esteem to cheat?
Cheaters have plenty of self-esteem why they are able to cheat LOL
I think you re just confuse about things why you are irrational at times as the result of cheating. I think you will be ok, you recognise this problem for you and getting some help.
Know it, your condition is different to that of a pre-meditated cheater | |
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| For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results?
Posted: 6/8/2009 1:29:08 AM | I hope you haven't dumped her yet! And if you have, I hope you did it gently, making sure she knew why.
Well done, OP. You are taking steps to give yourself a fighting chance at happiness.
I hope you work it out with this girl. She sounds great. All the best to you! | |
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| For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results?
Posted: 6/8/2009 5:27:17 AM | You're an idiot, get back to her immediately and tell her you don't want to lose her and you need to go into therapy to make sure you don't repeat the pattern that is based on selfishness and self-esteem issues. If you don't cheat for a couple of years, you ought to be able to keep your pants zipped long enough to fix your brain while being in the relationship with her.
Why do people do stupid shit and then ask for advice? Yeah, you need to work on your self-esteem issues and thinking you are supposed to be the center of the universe but my tip on not cheating? Would you do it if you really thought your d!ck would fall off if you dipped your stick somewhere else? I think your best friend is an idiot, there is no reason not to continue seeing this woman, maybe delay meeting the kids, tell her exactly what is going on and you might even at some point have her come to therapy with you.
Do you have any empathy? Has anyone cheated on you? If not, remember the faces of the women you cheated on and the tears and ask yourself if whatever you got out of the cheating was worth it. I expect that the sex was good for a while and possibly you eventually felt guilty, completely destroyed good relationships, hurt terribly those you are with creating trust issues they probably had to go to therapy to fix.
Do you really not think of any of these things when you START doing the flirting dance with someone you aren't supposed to be with. Get a picture of a face in excruciating pain in your head and remember that. Remember that you have a good woman at home or wherever she is roosting and tell yourself it is wrong and stop talking to the person. Think about your mother and how your father's behavior hurt her or how much it would hurt her if she knew about it, and ask yourself if you want to be like your father. Who knows part of your thing may related to your mom and dad.
Look back at your own behavior. There was a moment when something turned from innocent flirting to flirting with danger and you knew it each and every time and chose to ignore it. You also chose not to tell your spouse or SO, hey I may be a douche but I am feeling in a way that could soon result in my acting stupid and destroying our relationship. Make an effort to reconnect with your SO and/or go to counseling. Some people think being faithful is about loving someone enough but it is really related to loving yourself enough to be an honorable person who wouldn't do that to yourself because your behavior is as damaging to you as the person you are cheating on.
I was watching the dreaded Oprah a while back. Controversial book on cheating was the subject and what it seems to boil down to is that the cheating happened because the new person was making the cheater feel uberly good about himself while his wife who was working and/or frazzled raising kids had stopped stroking his ego. So YOU make the effort to create couple's time. YOU recognize that you are flirting with danger and run the other direction back home.
Realistically, it is nothing more than taking responsibility for your actions and remembering ALL the time that you have made a commitment to someone. I know someone, she cheated on her ex, he cheated on her sister who he was dating when they got together. They cheated for more than 10 years until she wound up doing two years for DUI when they figured out they really loved each other. Finally married when she got out, neither have strayed nor do they want to because they are actually really finally having a relationship with each other. Feed your relationship and you should find no need to cheat unless you are actually mentally ill. | |
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| For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results?
Posted: 6/8/2009 5:58:45 AM |
You're an idiot, get back to her immediately and tell her you don't want to lose her and you need to go into therapy to make sure you don't repeat the pattern that is based on selfishness and self-esteem issues. If you don't cheat for a couple of years, you ought to be able to keep your pants zipped long enough to fix your brain while being in the relationship with her.
Would you drive your car while a mechanic is trying to replace the piston rings?
He did what he had to do. I doubt it was easy, but it was the right thing to do. You don't hold back the people you love. She now has the choice as to whether she wants to stick around and wait it out or move on. I think it's a good first step on his road to recovery actually thinking of someone else before himself for a change. | |
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| For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results?
Posted: 6/8/2009 8:54:02 AM | Self acceptance and self knowledge is the biggest thing. For me, it's about being up front. In particular, it's about NOT spending one's life as most men do -- that is, telling women what we think they want to hear, all in some vague hopes of having own needs met (without ever having any clear idea what those really are).
Again, this is just for me -- but I let someone know up front that this not going to be an exclusive relationship, and if that is what they need and want then please don't let me waste their time.
For me, if celibacy or monogamy are the only two choices -- I'll gladly take the former over the latter! (Thankfully for us all, there are other options!) | |
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| For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results?
Posted: 6/8/2009 9:38:35 AM | The majority of cheaters aren't spontaneous. It's a planned action, not necessarily a planned event but it's been a mindset for a while before they actually follow through with it. Most know the person and have sexual thoughts and fantasies that play out in their head well before anything actually happens. "harmless" flirting is the beginning. It's just like if you were single, you test the waters to see what kind of reaction you get from the other person, then you advance more aggressively, same with cheating.
I think the best way of overcoming this obstacle is being completely honest with your significant other, and hopefully they're open enough to understand and be willing to help you through this.
If you have any thoughts, don't describe them in detail to hurt your S.O. but make them aware that you're struggling with this specific person. It builds a stronger connection between you two, and also allows you to vent some of your frustrations, and they can hold you accountable and watch out for you while you might not be having such pure thoughts.
You should become aware of your surroundings, and not put yourself in temptations way if you have problems with this. For instance don't go to bars with your single buddies, or lunch with your female co-workers, etc. | |
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| For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results?
Posted: 6/8/2009 10:00:25 AM |
The majority of cheaters aren't spontaneous. It's a planned action
I think this statement captures the idea nicely...
I had one relationship where I moved out and didn't feel committed to the relationship... tested the waters and got caught in a tug of war...
It was a bad enough experience for me to get help, quit drinking, and admit to my innermost self that I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life before ever doing anything like that again...
Has the OP had bad enough experiences to seriously reform? Addictions are tough to break... The desire to feel loved is a powerful compulsion.
I can only wish you luck, & wonder why it didn't occur to you to get help before getting involved with this woman.... | |
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| For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results?
Posted: 6/8/2009 10:25:26 AM | Nobody can "fix" their life.
You can make changes that will make it easier for you to be w/ some people...but there are no "fixes" out there.
If you are going to cheat...IMHO..then you need to find somebody that will tolerate your behavior and treat them well.
If not, then you are likely a sociopath or a narcissist (or both) who has little concern for the feelings of others and will do what you want to live your life the way you want to.
Sooo...OP.,IMHO cheaters never change.
They just age.
And get better at lying...
Well...SOME do...LOL | |
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| For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results?
Posted: 6/8/2009 10:29:56 AM | Good for you!
and for her!
You did explain to her why you were putting the breaks on, right?
The first step to any problem is recognizing that there in fact IS a problem. Youvr done that.
You have also recognized that there is no need to drag some one else along and possibly waste her time. You have considered the needs of another before your own, and recognized that she has to make the best decessions for her own life.
You have recognized that you have to fix yourself before anymore lives, including your own, are damaged.
I see some folks here don't get it. I suspect they are of the, "Why did he/she treat me like this." or the "Why can't I find a good man/woman." school of thought.
You now realize that you were not paying attention and therefore not learning from your mistaeks, and now you need to take the time to go back and see those misteaks and learn those lessons now so you can heal yourself.
Taking the time to become a better person for yourself and your partner, what a unique idea! | |
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| For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results?
Posted: 6/8/2009 10:36:07 AM |
and what it seems to boil down to is that the cheating happened because the new person was making the cheater feel uberly good about himself while his wife who was working and/or frazzled raising kids had stopped stroking his ego.
Classic ....and Nailed!
My husband who was a high end "let go" in the economic downturn, was in a depression afterward. All he'd ever known was work. Never had been unemployed.
An understanding "friend" waltzed up and made him feel like a man again while I was out working two jobs.
I think serial cheaters have little respect for women period. Your actions have proved it.
I feel that you should have a talk with your best friend and have a session to do with your issues to do with women. It's not your dad at all. | |
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| For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results?
Posted: 6/8/2009 10:39:46 AM |
To the pattern cheaters, what have you done to fix your life?
I have cheated on every boyfriend i have had. Except for the guy im with now. I did it because it made me feel powerfull, for some stupid reason i felt really good, even though i hurt so many people. I was immature and selfish, and im ashamed of the things i did, i just kept doing it though regardless of who i was hurting.
I didnt really change anything, i just met someone who was everything i wanted, and felt no need to cheat anymore, i have settled down now, we are expecting our first baby and i couldnt be happier, i couldnt ask for more. I dont know how i changed or when it happened but somewhere a long the way i got some self respect and some dignity! | |
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| For the cheaters, what steps have you taken to reform and results?
Posted: 10/29/2009 4:39:54 AM | | I commend you for trying to focus on getting yourself help. She may not understand why you had to break up with her to do that----but you got it and most people don't. It is too hard to fix yourself up while in a relationship that is new and fresh. Look at an alcoholic who just begins to attend AA. They need to have unselfish love and by attending to yourself and your issues and getting some "sobriety" or help in your life first---you will be healthy enough for someone else. It is too much clutter to both work on yourself when just getting into recovery and expect to fertilize a new relationship at the same time. You will never be totally fixed but you are too fresh in the recovery process to maintain a relationship and help yourself too. You might have alot of trust issues from childhood that prevents you from trusting in relationships and therefore you end up cheating when the intimacy or depth of your relationships gets serious and then you run to someone else to prevent the closeness. Work on yourself by jounaling and maybe you could see a pattern in your life. Journaling might help you see what you are doing and guide you when you go to your counselor. There is also alot of sel-help books out there. Good luck in your journey. | |
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