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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/9/2009 5:24:51 AM | What ever happened to dating around? I did a quick Google search, and I find that this term has now come to mean "pimping around". I think we've lost something that The Greatest Generation had: back in the day, everybody knew the end result was marriage, and they dated multiple people AT THE SAME TIME. The only way to improve your picker is to date lots of people, figure out who you are and what you want.
Why does a relationship have to become exclusive at the 3rd (or whatever) date or (heaven forbid) after a certain number of days have gone by? It's no wonder so many people are single for SO LONG nowadays, when you have to spend months getting to know somebody encumbered in an exclusive relationship. When it doesn't work out, you have to start all over again at square one, all of which takes so freaking much time!
And it's no wonder so many people have bad pickers. At this rate, it takes a life time to improve.
It seems like the dating model is now: answer a gazillion questions. If you make the "cut", then you go out on a date. If the "chemistry" is there on the date, you go out a few more times. If those go well, you then become "exclusive". Then, inevitably, because it takes time to really get to know someone, something goes wrong and the entire process starts all over again. WTF? At this rate, it's going to take decades for me to not only improve my picker but to find a mate.
What ever happened to dating around? | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/9/2009 6:09:55 AM | Great question!
Had a friend on here that was a self professed "serial dater".
She didn't keep it a secret from any of the men she dated.
She is now exclusive with one of those men.
I personally don't see the 'problem' with dating more than one at a time. I think that as long as there is no physical intimacy, there should be no reason why not.
We don't have only one friend.
We don't test drive only one car.
We don't (well ok, I don't) take the first bunch of bananas, we pick through them.
Why treat our relationships any different? | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/9/2009 6:22:31 AM | i think women and men still date around
not sure about the exclusive thing, after a few dates.. to me that is controlling
i agree with your summation that people have better luck with the quantity of dates
to find in those numbers one or two quality dates that you actually want to continue
possibly on a more commitment level..
women my age in texas, date alot of men, most end at the first coffee meet...
if you want to call that a date.
Don't see a real problem with it. and i have not heard of the pimp dater , but have
heard of a serial dater...
i understand a serial dater is just looking for a free meal, not really caring if the date
has a future for development.
but, to be honest men and women date alot. You just have to ...
its more about the odds. ITS not like someone is going to just drop out of the
sky, and be that perfect one for you...
the phrase you have to kiss a lot of toads before you find your prince is true.
I think the phrase dating around is live and well... | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/9/2009 8:22:41 AM | I have a great deal of old news on this subject. My mother always warned me to not settle with the first man who came along and to "play the field." Well, advice that was reasonable during her teens years (she met my father at 19) in the 1940s was not reasonable during my high school and college years in the 1960s.
I should say here that on the other side of my mother's advice was a rather persistent hammering at me that I was too homely for a man to be attracted to me, to not wear makeup and to not expect a good looking man to ever be interested in me. Had I completely taken her description of me to heart, than I would have been grateful for any attention from a man.
However, I hated wasting a man's time. Let's face it, not every encounter is opposite and equal. Sometimes both parties love or hate each other with equal intensity, while sometimes, one party is enthused and the other is less than the lukewarm.
I spent 6 (17 - 23) years of my life, on and off with someone from my neighborhood and my church. When I first met him, I was still in high school and he was at CalTech. He later transferred to the University of Michigan and we encountered each other again. My parents objected to him although why they did was a mystery. He was a National Merit Scholar whose track records remained unbroken for 10 years past his graduation. He painted and played guitar well (flamenco, blues, folk). His parents were professional people, well respected in the community.
We dated during my sophomore year and came to love each other but my parents hammered at us until we broke up. I was in a funk all through junior year, missing him. When I finally began to date again at the end of the year, I found the experience thrilling. However, no one I met during those months from March through June had "staying power." In the fall, I met two men and dated one every Friday and the other every Saturday for two months. Both were more emotionally involved with me than I was with either of them and the strain of "dating" was terrible. I broke up with both of them one terrible weekend in early November.
I seldom see men I want to date now. That makes it tough to imagine that I would have "lots" of dates. I don't know what men in their 60s expect. Sex? Soon? After a while? At all?
I ended my last relationship after six years in 2000 after debating about ending for two years. I did some internet exploring off and on over the near decade. I met one man who I thought a good match for several reasons but, while we were at dinner, he said that he had not wanted to end his previous relationship and I knew he was still not ready for another woman in his life. I felt he was just better off waiting the six months to a year it would take to get over her.
I met two men that I considered a second meeting -- which would be a first date as I do not consider meeting for coffee a date -- with. I found both men physically attractive but I had some reservations about their intellects. Each man killed any interest in him by his suggestion as to where to meet. The first man wanted to go to Battleship Cove. My reaction was that's where Cub Scouts go. While the second man and I had agreed to meet at a botanical garden, he cancelled those plans and asked me to meet him at a hotel where he and his late wife went for weekend getaways when they lived in Vermont. While there was a nice lake behind the hotel and we spent most of the afternoon sitting beside the lake, I felt that if this is his idea of fun, we had no future.
So, I guess what I am trying to say that if a man's idea of fun matches my own, then "dating" sans sex would be fine. If sex enters the picture, then I want the relationship to become exclusive. And, if his idea of fun isn't mine, what is the point of continuing to see each other? | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/9/2009 8:30:35 AM | I still date around, and will continue to do just that until I find a man that I want to be exclusive with. I'm having fun. The trick is to enjoy the journey, not just the destination. One never knows where dating may lead.
Too many people are so focused on finding "the one", that they let good times just pass them on by. I did a thread once titled "Has old fashioned dating become obsolete?"
Dating, to me, doesn't mean sleeping around. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/9/2009 9:12:00 AM | I've never "dated around" ...... and never will.
As a kid (and horny most of the time), if I did not have a gf - I looked for ***HER***. I also pretty much ignored the rest of the gals while I was looking for a real girlfriend.
I'd go a year sometimes between girlfriends. Get some "strange" here and there along the way but - my focus was always my next real girlfriend.
It worked ok for me. No hurt feeling along the way - no misleading gals - no short term relationships - no blow outs.
I had three girlfriends all lasted over two years.
I was looking for my 4th girlfriend (23 by then) when I found my first wife.
Sixteen years later (while looking for my next gf) I had a 18 month sex fest with a gal. She lied so much I finally had to give up on that (still miss the wild monkey sex) and start looking for my next girlfriend and found my 2nd wife (20 years with her only on my mind).
That was it until six years ago. I've been semi looking for my next girl friend ........... BUT
Especially these days --------- dating around MEANS CASUAL SEX and I am just not interested. I don't know how some can look at themselves in the mirror.
Yup I tried the "dating around" and found it sad - very sad.
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I don't understand why anyone would "date around". I don't know about others (it is none of my business and I have no interest in other peoples love lives).
I've always thought dating around was pointless.
"How do you know if you don't *try it and see" ........ is silly.
If you already know - you would not want that person for a steady ......... why in the world go out with them ..... unless sex is on your mind.
If I ever get serious again (about finding a girlfriend) I will do what I always have done - look for HER until I find her. Like always I will not be hurting anyone's feeling along my way. I won't be doing "dating around" (aka casual sex).
After over 40 years (including two long-ish marriages) of females in my life (all being REAL two way matches) - I'll stick with no casual dating. At least hold it down to almost none.
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Oops forgot the ....... the ...... the bananas ...... umm factor.
I do the very same thing when looking for bananas. Since I know exactly what I am looking for (just like I do for a girl friend), I walk around the entire display, not touching ANY of the bananas (dating around) and pick up the bunch that is small and green.
I already know what I like. That goes for cars - boats - motorcycles - females and everything else. Why goof around with stuff you already know you don't want?
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/9/2009 9:14:24 AM | | It still exists. I am dating around without sleeping around unless I am really interested in the man. Right after my divorce I have to admit I did date and sleep around but have since changed my ways and only will do so when I am ready. So far, the majority of the men I am meeting are only interested in a one night stand, they are missing out on really getting to know someone. I have a few close male friends that I hang out with without sex. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/9/2009 9:40:25 AM | One answer to that might be: AIDS. But even without "casual" sex, which most of us gave up long ago anyways, seeing/talking with multiples puts others at risk of getting hurt. Been on both the receiving end and the giving end of this, and just find it so unpleasant! Therefore, I finally devolved into serious serial (one at a time, next one not until the first was finished) dating, as opposed to global (dating around) dating. While I have in the past consented to be dated around on (who am I to restrict other folks' behavior?), should I ever again reenter the dating world, I would no longer agree, knowingly, to let *them* do the weeding.
The heart is not a machine, and to "date around" because it's the most *efficient* method does the soul and heart a good deal of damage.
Just me ~~ YMMV
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/9/2009 9:42:56 AM | | I agree, OP. However, I screened pretty carefully so few "made the cut" but were excellent prospects if they did. Even then, I wouldn't be quick to date anyone exclusively as it does indeed take some time to discover the various problems and issues that become deal-breakers. I didn't want to spend decades either, so I'd date several if there were several candidates. It still took nearly two years to find someone ideal for me, but it would have taken much longer otherwise. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/9/2009 9:45:50 AM | Ah......The good old days........
Dating around was a part of the social networking process that did not have all that we have now. It mostly consisted of the phone and meeting those that lived close to you, went to school with you, worked with you, and socialized with you and others somewhere close by.
Even then, once someone created that chemistry with you, most would end up being exclusive anyway, so I am not sure about your point? Dating around meant dating and that was it. Now it means getting to know, dating, and sleeping with each other, since equality has crept into our society, and that game playing has risen to new levels of complexities, and competition.
Women now want what men have always wanted, and there is nothing wrong it that. They want it, but for the most part, will be much more selective about who and why they give themselves then many men have been or are today.
With all this in mind, most do not just want to date around and sleep around, so the time tables have condensed to a much shorter time frame, and if we are going to sleep together, we are also going to be exclusive.......thus dating many at one time has changed to dating until you are sleeping with each other, and then there is no dating around, or you are now called a player.
Just plain dating is fine to do, but one must consider just doing that and not sleeping with them as well, and that is why it becomes so hard......so to speak......
Most of us want to date, but even more, most of us want to enjoy them in more ways than just the date alone. I am happy to know many, but I do not want to sleep with many, and so I will look to narrow it down to one at a time......
Just my opinion.........   | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/9/2009 10:44:04 AM | One answer to that might be: AIDS. But even without "casual" sex, which most of us gave up long ago anyways, seeing/talking with multiples puts others at risk of getting hurt. Been on both the receiving end and the giving end of this, and just find it so unpleasant! Therefore, I finally devolved into serious serial (one at a time, next one not until the first was finished) dating, as opposed to global (dating around) dating. While I have in the past consented to be dated around on (who am I to restrict other folks' behavior?), should I ever again reenter the dating world, I would no longer agree, knowingly, to let *them* do the weeding.
The heart is not a machine, and to "date around" because it's the most *efficient* method does the soul and heart a good deal of damage.
I'd have to agree, not to mention, it's waaaayy to difficult for me to keep track with more than one at a time  . I'll never earn that "power dater" badge
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/9/2009 12:07:36 PM | | Dating around became sleeping around. That complicated things because of the problems of sexually transmitted cooties, and emotional expectations. Back when you all knew that dating was about non-sexual activities, you could date freely, meet different people, then if one was too slow to get away, make them yours for your purposes of romance, even marriage. Since the sexual revolution there has been no distinction between wading at the water's edge and diving right in. Now, when you say you are dating a bunch of people at once it can mean you have that many sex partners, all in various stages of emotional perplexity. It's the hellish reality we face in this time of uncaged female heat. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/9/2009 1:07:19 PM | Personally I think its a victim of the sexual revolution. Most folks are ready for a role in the hay by somewhere between date 5 and 7 (my op anyway) if not before. and most folks are not really into "swaping juices" (if you pardon the crude reference) with others. If we had the mores atributed (but not always accurately so) of the "greatest generation" we would remain out of sexual relationships up to the day of marriage or at the very least until after being engaged. Personally I am not one that will settle into a monogomous relationship (psycho babble term serial monogomy) right away. I see no sense in it personally for the very reasons you express. Now that will shut down a lot of people wanting to go out with you, and I dont blame them for that. That's why I say I am in no hurry for sex. After all sex is a level of commitment that should (my op) occur between committed people. if you want to play the field sexually thats ok and on you. just insist on protection for all our sakes. if you want to just date around, congrats! you are one smart cookie. happy  | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/9/2009 4:09:06 PM | | The way I see it, until a man and I mutually agree to be exclusive and it gets physically intimate, we owe each other NO explanation. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/9/2009 4:12:09 PM | GUys try to keep it to themsleves if they are dating around, or else he will lose the whole bunch because they will lable him a skank.
Same with women. Besides....this goes to the old "who's sleeping with who" and what are they bringing to bed with them? Yuck! You can never be positive they are NOT sleeping around...but you sure can be careful. These diseases can kill you now...need a lot more than a shot at the local free clinic to clear up that rash, eh?
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/9/2009 4:27:16 PM | | I guess dating to some, means having sex. That is not what it means to me. How can you know who's right for you without dating around? Unless you marry the first one you date, you are dating around. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/9/2009 5:20:48 PM | Hi there all, I agree with message #1 and 17 the most...in theory anyway. I'd prefer "dating around" to a repeating cycle of becoming exclusive, involved, and breaking up. But I don't "know" at this time that marriage is an ultimate goal. A lot has to do with your present situation. Some people know they are ready to marry or remarry. Some like me are new to dating, (after 32 years) and for me I don't know if I'd want to get remarried...it's something we widowed folks all ask ourselves but I don't expect to know the answer for a long time. So during that time, "dating around" sounds like fun to me. I guess because I'm older, I'd like to experience what I didn't the first time when I was young. I wasn't really a serial dater, just such a serious dater, looking and wishing and hoping to find "the one" that I missed so many opportunities to socialize. I do think that dating around (not sleeping around) would probably last for a period of time...and would also depend on whatever else someone has going on in their life.
I'm thinking of my late husband, who was 27 when I married him, and he'd had quite a life of serial dating and more...and was candid about it with me...but he said a time came when that no more appealed to him, and he knew exactly what he was looking for. Now on the other end and other side of that story, I'm not sure what I'm looking for...certainly not just free meals!
Enjoy reading all the topics here on Over 45. Thanks for the interesting question! | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/9/2009 5:55:52 PM | So just how much time do you have for dating around? Seems to me that dating 2 or more guys simultaneously is going to take you much more time to get to know that person to determine whether or not they meet your mutually exclusive non-pimping type relationship sort of guy.
Try this......ya I know it's boring but ......it seems to work for some and besides there is safety in numbers, try taking a risk ........take a mutually exclusive risk.
Date one guy, see him more often, gain his trust , delve into his darkest dreams and closets, and make the decision, stay or move on. In my opinion , guys won't put up with you dating others after the 3rd date cause most of us have already made up our minds by that time.
What works better for you  or  or dating around  | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/9/2009 6:57:13 PM | I think farceur and parrothead are right: dating around (sans sex) became sleeping around which then became dangerous.
And now we are in quite a mess, even in this thread: Dating many people is in the long run a time saver because you are not investing time in a long series of exclusive dating relationships. Dating one person, with sexual intimacy entering the picture around date 5-7 is a short term time saver because you are using you time more efficiently by focusing on just the one more intensely, as suggested by moocow.
How many years have we been doing this? Do we really have any idea about how to most efficiently use our dating time? Why are we in such a hurry in our thinking but not getting results for months, years of trying?
Seems to me there was wisdom in the old dating around mode, which, for the sake of our health and happiness we might try again: date a few/several people and give yourself time to get to know them and they you. Give yourself time to think about one in contrast to the other. See who can show they respect and just plain like you without obligation, promises, or expectations over a period of time.
See who survives!
And if that sounds like cruel and unusual punishment, is it really worse than focusing all attention on one person, expecting that the two you can get intense and deeply personal within a few weeks of meeting and then dropping them at the first sign of trouble?
To each their own for sure. 'Tis a strange strange world this. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/10/2009 6:38:11 AM | It's apparent to me that dating around means different things to different people.
To me, it doesn't always have to mean dating several during the same period.
I may date one guy a few times and then start dating another.
I may date more than one during the same period of time.
I may date one only once and never again.
That's what being single is like. Unless you become exclusive with the first one you date. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/10/2009 7:59:46 PM | I really appreciate all the comments everyone has posted. I think, for the reasons I've given below, I would like to date around, as long as I don't also get accused of sleeping around, because I have no interest in that whatsoever. Farceur, some of us ladies can "rein in the uncaged female heat" for a good cause! It's hard, but I'll manage. I've gotten to the point in my life where I realize too much chemistry is actually a potential red flag. Moving slowly is my motto.
TruGold, I'm sorry I missed your thread - I only found one other with "dating around" in the "other" forums so thought I would start this here in our age group.
Ron 9, I appreciate you are a man who knows what you want. I just wish I was the same. Well, not be a man, but you get what I mean. LOL. I'm just at the point where I've realized that what I did in the past obviously didn't work, since I'm single now. So it's time to try something different this time. I haven't "dated" since the early 90s, so I've got some catching up to do, some learning to do, some figuring out what I am about and what I REALLY desire in a mate. But the truth is, I've never dated around, either. Like some have posted, I married (or committed to) pretty much the first one that came along . . . and here I am so it's time to try something new.
Yes, by saying "dating around" I meant without sleeping around. I would just really like, this time, to take the time to get to know him. Well, them. And then him. If he's ready to settle down by the 3rd date (I hate that rule!), I'll be wondering, because I really want him to take the time to get to know me, too.
Maybe this really should be filed under "don't ask don't tell" unless, of course, he asks. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/10/2009 8:29:36 PM | | I agree with SueCat, to me....you are not exclusive...until you have the exclusive conversation, until then it's perfectly fine to date around. But sometimes you are really just interested in one man, but force yourself to date others anyway to remind yourself, you ain't hooked....yet. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/11/2009 6:17:46 AM | | Sweet; That thread of mine was at least a year or 2 ago, when I was here under another name. Sorry! I should have said that. | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/11/2009 10:13:12 AM |
If I had enough men for me to be "dating around"... I do believe I'd fall outta my wheelchair in shock. 
messages this short........ bla bla bla | |
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| What ever happened to Dating Around?
Posted: 6/11/2009 10:49:17 AM | I dated like that in my 20's, only I wasn't looking to get married....just respectful, fun, mature dating. I never did get being exclusive one-on-one unless there was a future. Twenty years ago, there wasn't a rush to jump into bed, at least not for me. People can have fun while not having sex. (Yes...it's more fun with. *wink*)
Now - my girlfriends all thought I was nuts to date more than one man at a time. They also had a succession of men they had sex with early on, then later found out they didn't like them. I wanted to know if I liked them first and really got to know what kind of person they were - that only happens with time together. I was honest with each and every one. I stated that it's just dating...I wasn't rushing sex, so if that was important to them fairly early, I wasn't for them. No hurt feelings, no crowding, stating what one wants and going out with those that were the same.
I believe what bothers others about this is that they simply want a monogamous relationship and in that there is sex....so they see this as having sex with more than one man at a time...which is their incorrect assumption. What I have found this time around...in the man in his 40's - is they really do want a typical girlfriend, a steady, a partner to live with, to eventually be under the same roof as that partner. That's fine. There is so much good in having a steady partner and love. But it does take a while to get there. Since most people want that ideal, it usually involves some sort of exclusivity. And to want something like that before it happens rests with is the person trying to plug someone into that spot before it's really necessary out of mere Want (neediness most of the time). Yes, I think so. Most people have the idea of what they want first before getting to really know someone, enter with hope - rather than really just taking someone as they come...seeing how they are, enjoying them, taking it without expections.
People confuse dating and really getting to know someone with committed relationships that include sex. Taking charge of one's sexuality and being responsible sexually takes out the guess work of mixing sex and intimacy. I've found that it takes some time to see someone really relax into themselves (unfortunately) and I just do not want to find out I don't care to spend time with someone after I've had sex with them. Been there, done that, do not want to repeat it again. (I miss sex too, greatly)
The last guy I dated actually gave my arm a childish pinch and in a young insecure way he wasn't aware of said, "You better not be seeing anyone else." Lawrd. Whoa. There is something wrong with that. He also wanted to take his profile down within a few dates since seeing me and wanted to know how I felt about that. Okay. His choice. Turns out, his neediness.
I miss dating around. I miss those that didn't have unattainable or ungrounded expections. Heck, I miss actually meeting someone that doesn't feel threatened by actually spending the FIRST date at****ails, dinner, dessert, talking and maybe more....all within that first date. When this last guy I dated asked if I wanted to meet for coffee, I emailed back..."Let's do something totally wild...let's meet for drinks and appetizers and see where the evening goes. I don't want a coffee date. I want to get to know someone, not pass someone's initial test with a time limit." | |
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