| Confused: woman shows Long Term profile but isn't looking!?!?
Posted: 6/9/2009 8:24:22 AM | Hi,
A woman I contacted on POF said she wanted to go it alone and wasn't looking but was online, still had her profile showing and it stated that she wants a long term relationship.
I was frustrated because of the contradiction and because she may have been quite compatible. Nevertheless, I was nice in my reply and suggested that since she wanted to go it alone she should hide her profile because showing it and wanting a long term relationship implied she didn't want to be unattached.
She didn't seem to get my meaning because she replied and oddly stated that looking didn't imply anything.
Comments? | |
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| Confused: woman shows Long Term profile but isn't looking!?!?
Posted: 6/9/2009 8:28:59 AM | the fact that you thought you 2 were compatible, doesnt mean she thought the same..
she may well have been using it as an excuse to let you down gently, like girls will often say they have a b/f when they dont...
whatever her reasons are for being on here, they are her reasons and she doesnt have to justify it to you or anyone else for that matter..
if she turned you down , she turned you down.. whichever way she did it the result is still the same.. | |
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| Confused: woman shows Long Term profile but isn't looking!?!?
Posted: 6/9/2009 8:33:05 AM | | I think anyone who is one here would be willing to be in a long term relationship but sometimes we are not in the mood to take the step. That could be because she is beginning a relationship with someone else and does not like having giving her energy to more than one guy at a time or she was just trying to put you one the shelf as a nice guy but she is not interested. Either way it is her choice and i think a womans prerogative should be honored. I would also wait a month or two and drop her a short note to say hi and see if something changed. | |
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| Confused: woman shows Long Term profile but isn't looking!?!?
Posted: 6/9/2009 8:35:25 AM | she was looking alright but we don't know why and it wasn't for you.
you can't possibly know somebody's true motivations from their internet profile.
reaching out to one of them with an email might lead somewhere, but probably not.
cheers.
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| Confused: woman shows Long Term profile but isn't looking!?!?
Posted: 6/9/2009 8:37:08 AM | I think you get frustrated easily will small stuff.
The status of one's profile is not an obligation to pursue anything or an oblgation of availablitity: This is not a meat market where a store is obliged to have in stock what he advertise, here the owner of a profile may choose his or her clientele....or even his or her openning hours or days, if I can express myself in such ways.
So do have some compassion...and understand that people have their own reasons, tempo and preferences. | |
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| Confused: woman shows Long Term profile but isn't looking!?!?
Posted: 6/9/2009 8:41:03 AM | Thanks for you point of view.
I guess I just can't relate to a person who feels it's necessary to not be upfront. I'd rather have no answer or a thanks but no thanks rather than a white lie and confusion.
I also thought that naybe she was letting me down gently. I can't relate to that either because she and I don't know each other at all and have no emotional obligations to each other.
Anyway, thanks again for your thoughts. | |
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| Confused: woman shows Long Term profile but isn't looking!?!?
Posted: 6/9/2009 8:43:53 AM | That is likely just her polite way to say that she is looking, but just not for you.
It is sometimes better to not hurt someones feelings by telling them that you are not really searching.
For me I often list myself as just here for the forums even though I am still activly seeking to find that special one to share my life with.
I just have no desire to constantly go out with the wrong ones so it is easier to be polite and say thanks, but no thanks.
She very well may just be thinking similar thoughts. My profile is not hidden and I too have told someone that I don't really want to be in a relationship or go out on dates but it just meant I did not want to with them..... Made me feel that I would not hurt their feelings as bad. | |
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| Confused: woman shows Long Term profile but isn't looking!?!?
Posted: 6/9/2009 8:52:53 AM | I think we all get so caught up in what the profile says...until I got heavily into the forums I didn't really give it much thought. I guess I just didn't think about it. I know better now!
Maybe she wasn't interested in you...maybe she was just "looking" but not intending to date. Maybe she got married to the man of her dreams last week and just forgot the profile was even there, let alone what it said she was looking for....What's the difference? | |
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| Confused: woman shows Long Term profile but isn't looking!?!?
Posted: 6/9/2009 8:57:10 AM |
I guess I just can't relate to a person who feels it's necessary to not be upfront. I'd rather have no answer or a thanks but no thanks rather than a white lie and confusion.
While I agree with you about being upfront, I can also commiserate with people who tell such lies to avoid prolonged emails. I have told guys, "no, thanks" and still received communication almost ad infinitum from them asking why I am not interested.
We owe no one an explanation! When I am rejected, I take it like a woman and eat chocolate! | |
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| Confused: woman shows Long Term profile but isn't looking!?!?
Posted: 6/9/2009 9:06:52 AM | | I have learned not to take anything personal when dating on line. Eventually you will meet someone that is willing to meet you maybe she will be the one for you. As I have learned take one day at a time. I have contacted men I found interesting and never hear back from them, disappointing but I will continue on. I feel a lot of people have their stereotypes they are interested in and I have tried to reach out beyond that stereotype I really like and have met some nice men and continue to be friends with to this day but so far, no love connection. Good Luck in your search but don't take dating on line personal either. | |
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| Confused: woman shows Long Term profile but isn't looking!?!?
Posted: 6/9/2009 9:10:37 AM | It is strange to me that some people feel emotionally responsible to those they have never met or talked with on the phone.
I'm accountable for my emotional responses so I find it strange that some people believe that if they are contacted and are not interested that they must say no with a lie. Those people also assume that declining an offer by another will somehow hurt that. It also tells me that the person doesn't view a person as good enough or tough enough.
Too many unsubstantiated assumptions. | |
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| Confused: woman shows Long Term profile but isn't looking!?!?
Posted: 6/9/2009 9:54:12 AM |
Too many unsubstantiated assumptions.
Spend some times in these forums and you may see differently... So many posts from people that have been rejected. So many threads started asking why why why. So many people confused about what they are doing wrong when they get rejected many times.
One of my friends from the religion forums said it quite well.... That she is not really looking but also not ruling out the posability of finding someone should everything just seem to fall into place.
I don't see myself as being deceptive when I tell someone that I am not activly seeking to date because I am not. I hate dates. The ones I have decided to participate in are not normal type dates so for me to say I do not date or that I am not looking for a date is not really being deceptive.. It is true, acurate, and what someone could expect to discover.
I am also not alone in this line of thought either. There are many within these very forums that think the same way as I do on the topic.
Don't take anything personal. This is not assuming that you felt this way. I am just sharing this info so you can understand how some people are out here in cyberspace.
I met a woman that had such a twisted way of thinking about everything that she not only decided that I was the one for her but she also planned our whole life out in her head and convinced herself that she COULD make it come to pass just by focusing on it and me all the time.. (You can thank some of those twisted teachings like that one called "The Secret" for some of these silly ways of thinking)
They cherry picked many principles from the bible and other religions and put it in a nice new wrapper.
After many months of hassles it was revieled that she was trying to do that and was upset because it was not working.
So in a nut shell.... Don't blame people or assume they are trying to be deceptive if they tell you that they are not really looking. They may be here looking but just not for you.
It could be something as silly as a word misspelled to deter someone from wanting to pursue anything further with you.
Something as simple as 1 inch too short because they imagine themselves wearing a pair of 3 inch heals and would not want to be taller than you is sometimes a deal breaker (yup I have been told that one before)
It could even be your choice of clothing.
Bottom line...
Don't sweat the small stuff. there are millions here on this site. The odds are in our favor once you find the weeding methods that work best for you. Sounds like she just found her own methods that work for her.
Good Luck | |
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| Confused: woman shows Long Term profile but isn't looking!?!?
Posted: 6/9/2009 4:58:20 PM |
It is strange to me that some people feel emotionally responsible to those they have never met or talked with on the phone.
Most people do not wish to hurt someone's feelings unnecessarily whether they know them or not, I cannot see why this baffles you. Not particularly indicative of compassion, why does your username conflict with what you present?
As far as someone not being upfront, people go through periods of not wanting to talk to people. We have an impending death in my family and I am not currently feeling particularly chatty but this does not require me making an announcement on my profile.
Similarly, at the beginning of a relationship or when someone is dating and considering embarking on more, it is not appropriate to change the profile to not single/not looking or to change any of the text because that could create the impression for the other person that you were leaps and bounds down the road from where you are.
As others have noted, some people do not understand English either so it could be that she was not interested in you. Just as you don't understand the obligation to spare a stranger's feelings, she should feel no obligation to explain anything to you, particularly because this is the type of reaction one gets when trying to behave decently. | |
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| Confused: woman shows Long Term profile but isn't looking!?!?
Posted: 6/9/2009 5:03:46 PM | Any profile that has such inconsistencies should really be avoided... seriously... what was the point of contacting someone that couldn't even create a profile that held continuity of expression?
You probably should have just passed over her instead of wasting your time writing. | |
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| Confused: woman shows Long Term profile but isn't looking!?!?
Posted: 6/9/2009 5:09:24 PM | Unfortunately women on here are..... For lack of a better word, RETARDED. as am I since I have resorted to the web to find a date.... "SHE WAS TRYING TO BE NICE" Some people dont know how to be honest anymore. She maybe nice, but I call it a liar!
The majority of women on this site say some garbage about "not into games" yet they seem to play the majority of them.... | |
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| Confused: woman shows Long Term profile but isn't looking!?!?
Posted: 6/9/2009 8:29:04 PM | | Ah, why would you tell someone else what do put in their profile? Really, I need no one's help filling out my profile and if I am not interested in dating or contacting a specific someone (even if I used a lame excuse) I'd expect them to move on, not tell me how to live my life or what to put in my profile...if someone did that, I would know for sure that I did the right thing by not wanting to talk to them. What is it with controlling people?!? | |
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| Confused: woman shows Long Term profile but isn't looking!?!?
Posted: 6/9/2009 9:36:55 PM | Face it man, there's a ton of women on here who have absolutely no desire to date someone, they just like men contacting them on here to boost their self esteem.
Not necessarily true. They may want to date someone but not you! So, if they decline to meet you, it does not mean they do not want to meet anyone else.
It's nothing to do with boosting their self-esteem. They have the desire to meet, but not that particular person asking to meet. So if they are corresponding with you, they are not necessarily interested in meeting each and everyone they correspond with or everyone who ask to meet them. So, if their profile shows LTR, it does not mean it applies to you! This is when people get offended. Do not presume anything. The profile was not created with you in mind. | |
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| Confused: woman shows Long Term profile but isn't looking!?!?
Posted: 6/10/2009 3:33:32 AM | compassionpower,
you know, it takes a special something to get my attention and if you look at my profile, i'm only here for fourms.
but even so, if some guy took an interest in me if only by what he read of me in the forums, he would have to let me know one way or another in the forums of his interest.
so, it goes to say that even though i'm not really looking, there is still a way for someone to express interest.
since this lady has ltr on her profile but she states she's not looking.........don't be fooled, i'd have to say that the vast majority of us are at least still open to possibilities.
there are those of us that are just that particular and won't settle for anything less than that special something that must be there in order for us to respond in like.
i just don't think that special something was there for her regarding you. | |
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| Confused: woman shows Long Term profile but isn't looking!?!?
Posted: 6/10/2009 11:01:18 AM | Signing up for this or any other dating site does NOT obligate anyone to date on a "first come first served" basis. The right to say "no thank you" politely or otherwise, is not abridged by having a profile here.
There is no obligation to explain WHY one has said "no thanks".
But some will give a "polite letdown" because the lights they live by dictate that ignoring an email is rude. Usually these are basically kindhearted people who actually CARE about not hurting someone's feelings,(but not to the masochistic extent of dating someone they feel no interest in!)
Becoming defensive, angry, bitter, or questioning what is in another person's profile will NOT make people who aren't interested in dating a particular other person change either their minds or their profile.
Cindy O | |
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