| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/9/2009 11:16:26 PM | After going on several first dates, I have come to the conclusion that dinner is not the best choice. In my opinion it commits you to a longer meet, and if there is any obvious dislikes then you are stuck with a few hours of uncomfortabilty. In my opinion, the first date should be a short meet. Maybe drinks or coffee, to see if there is any chemistry. If not then you both have the opportunity to make a gracefull exit. I recently had an experience that prompted this question.
So I met somone that was interesting, and that I had good online converstation with for a week or so, and we decided to meet in person. She asked me to make the plans, so I decided to go to a local pub for a drink or two. This particular pub, is a small quaint place, that does not serve more than the legally required amount of food in my state for an establishment serving alchohol.
When I told her where to meet, I told her that I thought that we could meet for a few drinks. She seemed to be fine with that, and we met. When she arrived, she asked for a menu. When she saw the menu, I could tell by the look on her face that something was wrong. We had our drinks, and as soon as the first round was gone, she said that she was tired and was going to head home. I walked her to her car, and she escaped into her vehicle with an obviouc quickness, and left without much more than a goodbye. It was obvious to me that she was unhappy, so I emailed her the next day and asked if there was something wrong when she left the previous night. She told me that she was "very turned off by the fact that I was to cheap to buy her dinner", and that it showed her I was unable to commit to even a short period of time with her. I was a bit taken back, and a little insulted, as the money really had nothing to do with it, and even moreso because I have no commitment issues, and could not see how a short date could possible show me having issues commiting time to her. I decided that at that point, she had done me a favor by showing her true colors. I thanked her for the evening, and wished her good luck.
What is everyones opinion on this? Shorter first dates to see if any chemistry is present, or longer more involved first dates? | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/10/2009 2:28:58 AM | Op,she must be one of these women i keep reading about that meet men for free meals......????
I,personally have never known ANY of my girlfriends to be like this,but apparently they exist coz ive read about 'em in the Forums,LOL !
Be glad she's history.
And,you are soooo right in just meeting up for a drink/cofffee.
Nothing worse than being stuck with someone incompatible throughout a 2-3 course dinner......
 | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/10/2009 2:46:12 AM | I couldn't agree more. I ALWAYS suggest going for coffee first for that very reason - if there's no connection, you don't have to spend a couple of hours trying to be polite and make conversation. If you get on well after coffee, and there's a spark, there's always time for a dinner date after.
For this girl to make a comment like that tells me she's probably high maintenance and not worthy of your time and company anyway. Be thankful that she bolted. | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/10/2009 3:03:19 AM | Short meets to decide if you want to date are the only way to go. It gives both of you an easy out without hours of agony if it isn't working.
cheers  | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/10/2009 3:54:08 AM | | It pays to make sure the person you are meeting for the first time knows that its only a drinks/coffee meet up and make sure its not set around lunch or dinner time so as there is no confusion at all. | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/10/2009 4:34:09 AM | | Sounds like she might be too high maintenance and maybe it's a good thing you found out lol. Sorry it happened though, I see nothing wrong with having a shorter meet, it serves to diminish the anxiety before even getting there. | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/10/2009 4:35:08 AM | | Dinner being too long a time together is not the problem. By the time you want to meet someone you should already know them well enough to be certain of enjoying their company at dinner. It takes about two well written emails and a phone call. I think that if your social skills are so poor that arranging for an enjoyable dinner date is beyond your ability, nothing about meeting for a shorter and more tentative first glance is going to help you. It would be better to just excuse yourself from dating until you learned how to share a table without creating a disaster. | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/10/2009 5:41:21 AM | People put too much emphasis in the wrong way on an initial date.
All of us should be able to sit down in a restaurant and enjoy/learn from another human beings company.
I could go to a restaurant with a female Orangutan and have fun. even if I was expecting something else.
I always wear suitable zoo keeper clothing on first dates and a pocket of assorted animal food for this very reason. If a woman turns up thats a bonus, and if she can't see through my practical clothing - more fool her - i look great in anything....
 | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/10/2009 5:45:34 AM | You read this one right!
First dates should be short and sweet!
Congratulations for reading the writing on the wall with this woman! | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/10/2009 8:26:28 AM | I leave it open - meet for coffee, but have nothing else planned for afterwards. If it goes well it can expand into a walk in the park or a casual lunch/dinner.
I think if you are meeting somewhere around a meal time, it's best to be clear about what the plans are, so there is no miscommunication.
I guess your diva thought she deserved to be wined and dined by everyone she meets. | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/10/2009 9:25:51 AM |
Dinner being too long a time together is not the problem. By the time you want to meet someone you should already know them well enough to be certain of enjoying their company at dinner. It takes about two well written emails and a phone call. I think that if your social skills are so poor that arranging for an enjoyable dinner date is beyond your ability, nothing about meeting for a shorter and more tentative first glance is going to help you. It would be better to just excuse yourself from dating until you learned how to share a table without creating a disaster.
Very well said and I agree. Before anyone jumps up and starts accusing me of going out just for the free meal..I've had exactly one first meet from this site. We met for lunch and I paid for my own. I'm not a gal who automatically expects the guy to pay, so don't go there. | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/10/2009 9:52:39 AM | | It seems like some people think the only 2 choices for a first date are the 2-3 hours dinner date or very brief coffee date. Personally I don't like either option for the first date. I think people are correct to state that you wouldn't want to spend 2-3 hours having dinner with someone you're not interested in. But on the other hand, I often can't tell if I'm interested in someone within 10-15 minutes of meeting them. That's why I would usually prefer something in between these options. | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/10/2009 12:56:06 PM | While I do believe in the whole "coffee meet and greet" philosophy as I have had some pretty bad first dates (not always their fault -- usually mine), I, personally, have been getting bored with the whole thing ... besides, those mochas can pack on the pounds! And the last thing I need is to be packing around more luggage.
Really, I'd rather meet a girl who wouldn't mind crashing a wedding as a first date. Imagine it, years later (if you hit if off) you can laugh about your first night in jail!
.... but alas, most women I meet just don't have that of kind of sense of humor or lust for adventure! | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/10/2009 5:41:08 PM |
Dinner being too long a time together is not the problem. By the time you want to meet someone you should already know them well enough to be certain of enjoying their company at dinner. It takes about two well written emails and a phone call. I think that if your social skills are so poor that arranging for an enjoyable dinner date is beyond your ability, nothing about meeting for a shorter and more tentative first glance is going to help you. It would be better to just excuse yourself from dating until you learned how to share a table without creating a disaster.
You can only learn so much from a person via Emails, and phone calls, and it would be virtually impossible to get to know somone "well enough" in the matter of a few emails and a phone call. I have had several occasions in which I enjoyed the emails that I exchanged with a woman, and had a pleasant phone call, however when we met in person, there was no chemistry. Sometimes that was physical, and sometimes, the conversation, and/or common interests were just not there. You just cant learn from phone and email what you can learn, sense and see in person.
If the "in person chemistry is not there, then I see no reason to sit through several hours of a dinner date, pretending that all is well. A waste of both parties time IMO. | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/10/2009 5:44:52 PM |
It pays to make sure the person you are meeting for the first time knows that its only a drinks/coffee meet up and make sure its not set around lunch or dinner time so as there is no confusion at all. [/Quote]
I would agree that it is prudent to be ceartain that your date knows that drinks are what you are going for not dinner.
As I said in my original post: "I told her that I thought that we could meet for a few drinks" I suppose that there is an outside possibility that she misunderstood me, but I think that telling her we can meet for drinks is pretty clear. I suppose I will spell it out more clearly next time. | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/10/2009 6:20:12 PM | | The simpler and shorter the better. My longer dates that involved a dinner or/and movies were shambles. | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/11/2009 2:50:58 PM | | OP, do you know how much money I spent on Dinners on the first date over the 6 years I’ve been here? You’ll call me stupid if you knew….. Not anymore. It will take a few dates now since I pay each time and am tired of being used. | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/11/2009 3:30:56 PM | I'd say you got things just right, always always short meet for first date i.e. coffee or glass of wine or two, I think you can more or less tell within first 20 minutes whether you are going to get on or not friends or otherwise and if you are enjoying each other's company then naturally either of you could suggest dinner .... or to grab a quick bite .... but yes like you I'd rather not spend an evening with someone over dinner on a first date too much too soon ....
you're probably a great bloke and I wouldn't look into this lady's behaviour too much she was obviously not suitable for you, we've all had our fair share of disappointing first dates so you are not alone matey :-) keep at it and good luck x | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/11/2009 4:02:20 PM |
What is everyones opinion on this?
That there is no best choice on a first meet.
IRL you have motive to approach someone. Online you generally look for reasons not to approach someone. Unfortunately online you are given vague and faulty information in which to base the decision.
Then you build up a pseudo relationship without a person being in your presence. Still based on faulty information.
Then you have to take baby steps to get used to someone in your presence. Which changes the dynamic of the relationship in it's entirety.
So first meet is where the nature of the relationship completely changes. Where you shift from looking for reasons not to be with someone, to reasons why to continue being with someone. It's a complete shift in the observation process. And usually overlaps so you focus on reason why you shouldn't continue with this person, focus on "red flags," resetting or revalidating the faulty information from online, while ignoring the subtle reasons why you should continue being with this person.
Because people respond more severely to "danger" than security. (Red flags = danger, or something is wrong, therefore get away from what is wrong)
So really it doesn't matter whether it's longer or shorter. If you can't control yourself and find something of some interest in another person to spend an hour or two with them then you probably shouldn't meet anyone (online at least). As no one will live up to your standards. Especially because how you see them completely changes, and the whole system is set up to get you to run away from the slightest hint of something "wrong." | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/11/2009 4:15:22 PM | Unless it's a super fancy dinner, it doesn't take much more than an hour. Are you implying a shorter time? Most people wouldn't want to chug their beverage, so drinks also take time. I think it's OK either way.
This lady was obviously hungry, on the verge of starvation. And you didn't even feed the poor thing. How insensitve of you.  More like, it was a miscommunication. You said a few drinks, and you ment a few drinks. She must've heard "food". | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/11/2009 5:15:16 PM | I have been lucky that a couple of guys I met up with were happy to have a meal because "we had to eat anyway".
I think it depends on the attitude of the two people going in. I would much rather meet up with someone who was relaxed and casual about the whole dinner thing than someone who felt the need to meet for a drink incase we didn't like each other. The latter just seems cold and is one of the reasons I don't do the meet up thing anymore.
Taking my chances out in the real world and just here mostly for the interesting forums...................cheers. | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/11/2009 5:47:59 PM | I would think that if the two people going on the date decided beforehand that dinner was to be included in the date, that would be fine. But if you did not plan for dinner, your date really should have eaten before meeting you. If she wanted to sample the food there she should have mentioned it and offered to pay for her own food, at the very least! That would leave you the option of offering to pick up the tab (or splitting it) if you wanted to do so (or not).
I went out on a first date tonight with a very nice man, and we planned to meet just for drinks. The waitress brought us menus, and he very politely asked me if I was hungry. I told him that I already ate. I was quite impressed by his thoughtfulness though. We ended up having a couple of drinks and I went home. No pressure there to shell out extra money! | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/11/2009 5:56:31 PM |
Really, I'd rather meet a girl who wouldn't mind crashing a wedding as a first date.
I'd be up for crashing a wedding or some similar shenanigans but you better have the wedding picked out, the location scoped and a good exit strategy
Anyway, to the OP the first rule of dating is on the first meeting you always keep it short and simple. You can always extend it if things are going amazingly. Next time go with a coffee house so she gets the idea right away. Lucky that you discovered she's an entitlement brat before you put too much time into getting to know her. | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/11/2009 6:41:18 PM | | I agree with massgal75 and prefer a breakfast date at a diner or a lunch date at a bar/restaurant. This way it's not too long and not too short. | |
|
| Dinner on the first date?
Posted: 6/11/2009 7:15:55 PM | LOL i had a date meet for drinks that turned into a prime rib dinner TO GO her mother was waiting in the parking lot lol
| |
|
Home
login 
