| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 1:57:42 PM | ok, so recently one of my best friends announced he was getting married to his girlfriend of several years. not only that but he asked me to be his best man. i would normally be very honored and happy for them, but there's a big problem here.
i don't think he really loves her or vice versa. he claims he does, and i will concede that his decision was thought out over several months, so it wasn't impulsive. and she's not pregnant, so it's not out of necessity.
i will tell you a bit about them so you can understand where i'm coming from. he works on an oil rig, and has been for several years, and i will tell you he makes REALLY good money, and will probably hit the "million dollars a year mark" within 20 years. she works as a waitress at a bar and maybe makes $300 a week. and doesn't have much of a college education. you see where i'm getting at.
well, it gets worse. he just bought a really nice house that she lives in (and of course doesn't pay for) while he works off shore. basically she has a free ride for life, right?
i could look past that; not every woman in this scenario would necessarily be a gold digger.
but this girl is a really manipulative b*tch. she literally won't let him hang out with any of his friends anymore, including me. the last few times i have hung out with them she has thrown a hissy fit and made it quite clear that she didn't want me around. and she has done this to his other friends as well. and he has allowed her to act this way.
not only that but i have information that he is unaware of that i feel he needs to know. towards the beginning of their relationship, while they were briefly separated, she slept with one of his friends. repeatedly. and lied about it. actually, all of his friends know what happened. and none of us have the guts to tell him. i think this is why she acts the way she does. she knows that we all know what she did and is trying to drive us out of the circle so that we won't tell him. that or she feels so guilty that she hates herself and takes it out on him.
is this information even relevant? i mean, this isn't my business who she slept with while they were apart, but the fact is he suspected something was up and flat out asked other people if she was sleeping with someone else. we lied. and i have a bad feeling that isn't the first time she's been disloyal . i've seen her hang out with some weird dudes while he was away. think about it. she has a giant house all to herself for months at a time, is very attractive, and doesn't have any friends where she now lives. recipe for infidelity right there.
you see, we lied because she used to be one of our friends. a good friend until she became so controlling and manipulative of him. we lied because we didn't want to be judgmental and presumptuous of her fling
so what do i do here? isn't it within my rights as a best man, and moreover as a friend, to tell him what i really think? that i think he's entering a marriage that won't work, that's not right? what about her little fling? is that just information that doesn't need to be disclosed? after all this is about him being happy, not some mistake she made while they were split up.
or should i just mind my own business and hope everything works out?
if you've made it this far, congrats lol.
thanks for reading! | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 2:03:11 PM | sure...tell him...outright...in front of her and your other friends who lied to him about it. then get the heck out of there.
Let THEM solve it themselves.
If they decide to go ahead, perhaps you will still be "best man". It is the aftermath fallout that can make or break them.
Besides...they are BOTH adults and can make their own decsions.
I don't say leave her out of the fold...I DO say come clean. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 2:06:51 PM | Bro's before Ho's.
DO NOT be his best man at his wedding under any circumstances. That enough should tell him something is wrong with the girl if you refuse to do it.
I'd tell him everything. Sometimes being a friend is telling them hard to swallow stuff.
I mean wouldn't you want to know it if you were in his shoes? | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 2:13:17 PM | | I don't know how guy friends talk to each other, but in your role as best man, let him know that you're there for him if he wants to talk about anything having to do with the wedding, the wedding plans--just anything. The planning stages of a wedding can be stressful, and if you're lucky (and if he's lucky) he'll get doubts and sound you out about them. It's all you can do. Trying to stop a marriage almost never works, and leaves a pretty gory battlefield after. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 2:13:24 PM | You have admittedly already lied to him, did nothing to keep him from becoming involved with someone you think is less than moral, and now you are suddenly concerned about his well-being? Heaven save me from so-called friends.
Go ahead and tell him everything you know. Of course, there is every possibility he already knows, and in fact, has had a fling or two himself. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 2:17:37 PM |
we lied because we didn't want to be judgmental and presumptuous of her fling So what has changed? That you suspect her of cheating?
isn't it within my rights as a best man, and moreover as a friend, to tell him what i really think? that i think he's entering a marriage that won't work, that's not right? You forfeit your right to oppose this wedding when you agreed to stand up for your friend at his wedding.
The time, aside from when this was first happening, to say something, was when he asked you to stand for him... your acceptance of that role precludes all other duties you feel you have.
In this whole scenario... I truly do feel for that poor man... his friends are certainly lacking in common-sense and morals...  | |
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ATPase
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Joined: 5/31/2009
Msg: 10 | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 2:22:08 PM | Ok..so here goes my opinion. I just went through the exact same thing with my best friend and his girlfriend. The only difference....my reasons for not wanting it to happen were far stronger than yours. Anyway...that being said. We all....friends and family alike told him what we knew and what we thought of the decision. We all for the most part decided to not even attend the wedding because we couldn't condone it. However...in the end...5 of us ended up going because we decided that if we didn't go. If we didn't stand up for him...with him. She won. She had effectively pushed us all out of his life. She needed to see that we weren't going anywhere. She may have put a strain on his relationship with all of us...but in the end..it's his decision right or wrong to make. And when it came time to congratulate the new couple, we just simply walked right past her straight to him and said ...we'll be here when you fall to help you pick up the pieces. Nothing else can really be done but that.
good luck | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 2:35:10 PM | widdler,
You're supposed to be his best man.
If you feel uncomfortable with being his best man then I think you need to tell him so.
I think you two guys need to get together somewhere private (just the 2 of you and without her knowledge).
When you guys are together, I think you need to tell him that you're battling with yourself regarding being his best man.
Naturally he will want to know why (what the problem is) and there is your opportunity to tell him what you know.
Explain why you and the other guys lied........answer all and any questions as honest as can be done and of course let him know that the other guys are available to confirm.
All of this new information alone is enough to get him really upset but he should really know nonetheless and he can make his decision from there.
Realize that he has to go straight to his gf with the information so there's going to be a confrontation and she just may deny everything.
You have to make sure he knows that you and the other guys care and that you're not just out there trying to shelfishly sabotage his relationship and you guys are far from being jealous over what he has.
If they get married, and eventually get divorced he will more than likely lose a lot in way of the house and maybe even kids should they have any.
Marriages these days don't really last that long but he needs to know what he's up against and possibly save himself a lot of grief.
Good luck....it's a tough one but because all of you guys know what's going on, it's up to all of you to fill him in and let him make his own decision.
Also, you need to let him know that you and the guys will be there for him at any point and should they proceed with their wedding plans then at he is fully aware. | |
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indymx
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Joined: 1/25/2009
Msg: 14 | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 2:39:06 PM |
he works on an oil rig, and has been for several years, and i will tell you he makes REALLY good money, and will probably hit the "million dollars a year mark" within 20 years. she works as a waitress at a bar and maybe makes $300 a week. and doesn't have much of a college education. you see where i'm getting at.
OP -- Yep...I see exactly what you're getting at...we all do.
Let's face it - she struck the jackpot with your buddy. No one can deny that. Gold digger or not, the reality is that she landed the "big fish". Anyone that says otherwise is a fool and only lying to themselves...
but this girl is a really manipulative b*tch. she literally won't let him hang out with any of his friends anymore, including me. the last few times i have hung out with them she has thrown a hissy fit and made it quite clear that she didn't want me around. and she has done this to his other friends as well. and he has allowed her to act this way.
Dude...that's what it means to be p*ssy whipped. Doesn't take a genius to solve that riddle. He allows it because he's a p*ssy whipped fool. She knows it and thus why it keeps going. 20:1 she's already threatened the "doghouse" or cutting him off the "biscuit" more than once as a result.
Clearly, he lacks a spine and the balls that generally hang below the penis. He musta handed them in to her at some point. That much is obvious.
not only that but i have information that he is unaware of that i feel he needs to know. towards the beginning of their relationship, while they were briefly separated, she slept with one of his friends. repeatedly. and lied about it. actually, all of his friends know what happened. and none of us have the guts to tell him. i think this is why she acts the way she does. she knows that we all know what she did and is trying to drive us out of the circle so that we won't tell him. that or she feels so guilty that she hates herself and takes it out on him.
is this information even relevant? i mean, this isn't my business who she slept with while they were apart, but the fact is he suspected something was up and flat out asked other people if she was sleeping with someone else. we lied. and i have a bad feeling that isn't the first time she's been disloyal . i've seen her hang out with some weird dudes while he was away. think about it. she has a giant house all to herself for months at a time, is very attractive, and doesn't have any friends where she now lives. recipe for infidelity right there.
you see, we lied because she used to be one of our friends. a good friend until she became so controlling and manipulative of him. we lied because we didn't want to be judgmental and presumptuous of her fling
A lie is a lie is a lie no matter how well dressed it is. You and others LIED to him, for HER. That was your first mistake. Your next mistake will be in bringing it up NOW when you shoulda brought it up THEN. For all intent and purpose - the fling is ancient history now, and a dead issue. Bringing it up will result in ONLY one of two things:
- he will hate you/resent you for lying to him initially and for bringing it up NOW when he's about to get married
- she will use the revelation as the only source of justification that she will ever need to bounce ALL of his friends to the curb, and you'll hear lines like "They're just making stuff up to try and drive us apart...I TOLD you they were no good for you!"
You all had your chance to come clean as it were, and you all lied. They were separated, so this doesn't necessarily constitute cheating...but she had the fling with a "friend" so that's just bad form all around. It also demonstrates how easily she is led around by her crotch tingles. 10:1 that first chance she gets, she'll cheat on him and use his prolonged absences as the "reason". Ergo, making it his fault she cheated.
It's gonna happen. Count on it.
Then they'll divorce and to add salt to the wound, she'll soak him for half of what he owns, plus whatever else she can lay her hands on. You seriously think she wants to work as a waitress for $300/week for the rest of her life? Get serious. She has an agenda, and I can see it clear as day.
If he was smart, he'd sign a prenup like right now. He'd insist on it. That will root out her intentions in a heartbeat.
In other words, she'll flip right the f*ck out on him. You watch. He even breathes that word and she'll start spinnin' her head around like we saw in the Exorcist.
Mark my words.
so what do i do here? isn't it within my rights as a best man, and moreover as a friend, to tell him what i really think? that i think he's entering a marriage that won't work, that's not right? what about her little fling? is that just information that doesn't need to be disclosed? after all this is about him being happy, not some mistake she made while they were split up.
or should i just mind my own business and hope everything works out?
If you're any kind of friend, you can feel free to tell him what you think in an open forum of discussion. You shouldn't feel afraid to speak your mind to a friend. The chips will fall where they may when it's all said and done. If you object to the union, best bet is to just tell him directly that you don't approve and you can't in good conscience attend the wedding. As a sign of respect, you'd rather politely bow out and hold on to the friendship...whatever remains of it. Tell him about the prenup bit too while you're at it...see what he says.
You can use that opportunity to reveal the lie that was held, but that's a pretty risky proposition all things considered. Tread carefully and understand that one way or the other, he very likely will still choose her over you and his friends because he's all p*ssy whipped and such.
Good luck. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 2:41:21 PM | OP...with friends like you, one do not need enemies.
First, you (and your cabalieros) didn't had the cohonas, the integrity or the morality
when it mattered before and now, maybe out of guilt (or jealousy that you guys didn't had a shot to that girl, me think), try to oppose a mariage based on your speculations and assumptions.
So be a friend and find the courage, all of you, admit that you have lied to him, to go talk with your friend and say what happenned during the brief separation (plus the lies) and NOT in front of her, this way, if the soon to be married was aware (as you have no proof that he doesn't) at least you will have preserved them and their privacy, and if not, all of you liars will be exposed.
After that, if you do not get you lying arse kicked as it should, the groom will proceed as he see fit; not you as it is not of your business. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 2:53:41 PM | Dude,
I can tell you a couple of things that in my book YOU are doing wrong.
One, is to judge who should he marry or not. We make mistakes, but that is not your job, even as a best friend.
Second, why lie about that to your friend. Tell him the facts. Notice I said, the facts, not your oppinions or your idea of what the truth is. FACTS.
Third, she slept with other people when the split. It happens. Some people can deal with it, some don't. That is not YOUR call to make to determine the value of that information. Again is a fact. Technically speaking she didn't cheat, because they were not together. She did lie, but again you also lied.
So man up and tell him. But tell him the FACTS, not that you think they should or shouldn't get married, but what you know. End of story. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 3:06:32 PM | First of all what do you mean by separated?
Do you mean his was out on the rig and she did a little while the cat's away the mice will play number?
Or do you mean they had broken up and she slept with an alleged friend of his?
One is cheating and one is not.
So that would affect my answer.
If she was cheating with his friend and you think that is something he should know. You should have told him long ago. But you didn't want to rock the boat. Now you do.
Well go ahead tell him. Be prepared to lose your friend. Because he is not going to be happy about the information you are about to give him or the fact that you kept it from him for so long.
By the way, if you choose not to tell him, please opt out of his wedding plans. Let him find someone who can be happy for him to be Best Man. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 3:16:16 PM | | Man if I was your friend getting married, I would want to know that she slept with one of my friends. Even if it was when they were seperated. I'd want to know everything about my future wife, especially something as huge as that. And the way you paint the picture of their situation, he's better off without her. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 3:18:12 PM |
If he was smart, he'd sign a prenup like right now. He'd insist on it. That will root out her intentions in a heartbeat.
In other words, she'll flip right the f*ck out on him. You watch. He even breathes that word and she'll start spinnin' her head around like we saw in the Exorcist.
Mark my words.
BDJ,
lol good advice, couldn't have said it any better myself. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 3:18:29 PM | Sounds to me, OP, like you yourself are quite possibly feeling a tad guilty, now that an actual wedding is in the works?
WHY didn't you or any of your friends answer your friend honestly several years ago when he asked if his girlfriend was messing around on him? The actual "cheating" aspect of it is, I suppose, a matter of interpretation if they were split up at the time, but the fact is your friend asked you point-blank, and you lied to him.
So why now, years later, are you even worried about telling him about this? Obviously their relationship continued and thrived since then, if they are headed for marriage....and let's face it, if your buddy had wanted to put his foot down to her about her not letting his pals come visit/socialize, then he would have done so long before now.
JMO, but you lost your window of opportunity to speak up long ago, so you should mind your own business at this point. | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 3:24:38 PM | OP, considering that your premise is to stop your best friend from getting married, I would totally go with BigDaddyJinx's post. You can oppose this and still act honourably and with integrity. Do not forget the prenup...but mention it when things are not heated...so he takes it seriously. This is no laughing matter. I hate it when women take the men to the cleaners. Tell him to keep it clean to begin with. All the best, no pun intended.  | |
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| My Buddy is Getting Married and I Want To Stop Him....HELP!!!!
Posted: 6/10/2009 3:28:11 PM | You forfeit your right to oppose this wedding when you agreed to stand up for your friend at his wedding.
i agree with this. in which case, the only good way to make your case fly is to back out now about being best man, and tell him exactly why, and get some corroborating testimony from whatever other people that know the same thing you do.
there is a lot to be said for minding your own damn business. if you sincerely don't think this is one of those times, then there are probably going to be a whole bunch of people deeply regretting it later for a very long time, regardless of the short-term misery it's likely to cause now. | |
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