| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/11/2009 6:08:44 PM | We've been going out for a couple of months now.We got into a conversation about ex's. I told her about mine and she told me about hers. But she was relunctant to tell me about this one in particular that she dated just before me and only for a couple of months. At first she said "that relationship it hurt me very much" so I'm like, "why?" and she said because she got attached too fast. I was curious what got her attached so fast. I know from having dated a number of women that sometimes we have down periods and our lives and look for that magic person to come in and help us out of being lonely.
What she said was "Well you know sometimes when someone starts pulling away you just want to hold on and not let go". I completely understood her and didnt see anything wrong or hurtful in what she said, this happens to everybody. But then she added: "An the way he made love to me..."
That sparked my interest right away. Our sex life is good, we usually do it twice when we meet up and I always make her cum and she gets very wet. She told me I was great and all that, but then again, every girlfriend does right? I totally wanted to know more about this. So I went:
"So the sex was pretty good ?"
"not just 'pretty' good"
"Oh, so very good?"
She went silent.
"What did he do?"
She hesitated.
"Come on, you can tell me."
"He made me feel so good about my body. He really made me feel beautiful."
"That's interesting. Could I ask you how he did it?"
"It was his confident masculine way of handling things, lots and lots of foreplay."
"Was it the way he spoke to you? Or the way he touched you?"
At this point she didnt want to talk about it anymore because she said it hurt her too much.
I said it was okay and changed topics. POF, I know I dug deeper and was curious, but I love my girlfriend very much and I'm still very hurt by this. I didnt let her know I was but I she asked me the other day about it and I said that it was great to learn about how she was made to feel beautiful by being handled so gently and with so much foreplay. I have to admit that when I get down to things, I'm very generous but I'm not exactly "gentle" I thought women liked it a bit rough around the edges, slam me against the wall type of thing. This guy probably gave her the best sex of her life since she was so enamored with him quickly afterwards. It hurts so much when I think of it. I'm not the jealous type, but I'm very sad at the moment. I thought sharing this with someone could help to make me feel better. I'm considering seriously upping my foreplay and gentleness for her, but I'm worried it might not do the trick and it could just come off as being insecure about my own style. I know everything will be fine in the end, but I feel like my feelings for her almost changed all of a sudden, without her doing anything wrong. Why is it like this?
I know I cannot duplicate what happened between them... | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/11/2009 6:16:59 PM | You chose the wrong way to have a sex conversation.
Don't ask about what any other guy has ever done to her . Ask what she wants YOU to do with her.
Honestly, if you are getting naked with someone this should be easy to discuss, keep talking and asking what she wants from you and telling her what you like. The more you talk the better it gets. | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/11/2009 6:17:11 PM | Actually, I've had sex with other women who I had to try very very hard to give them an orgasm. Some just didnt orgasm. But she's very easy to make orgasm. It usually takes about 5 minutes.
But that's not the point. The other dude was good cause he made her orgasm, it was about the way he made her feel during the whole thing. | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/11/2009 6:18:54 PM | Boundaries, boundaries...and you crossed an important one...your own. Now there is just the slap yourself silly. Don't try to be someone you are not..you start trying that then you are manipulating her. Just let it go. You are jealous. She should not have told you and you should not have pushed to know....but it's too late for that and a ton of bricks. OYE!
It usually takes about 5 minutes.
whoa lover boy! She's faking....deal with it! OYE! | |
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| Thoughts....
Posted: 6/11/2009 6:18:55 PM | 1) If you knew you weren't the first man she had slept with, why did you assume you were her best?
2) Believe it or not (and I have a real hard time believing it myself, so I am going by what I've been told) women can separate sex with a guy from their feelings for a guy. Meaning, they are capable of saying, yeah that guy was a hot fcuk in the sack but a fcuk head outside of it, so I don't want to be in a relationship with him. More to the point....just like YOU could date someone, care about them, and have great sex with them without their being the hottest piece of trim you've ever had, so can women.
3) "Your style" is not irrelevant, but it is damn close. Here is some advice...because you are young I'll share it. The men that women call "great lovers" are the ones who a) Get the mechanics right (which you can learn from a book, and practice) and b) Are perceptive and receptive to THEIR needs. Meaning...your "style" might be great for one woman...but not another...and so if you were a "great lover" you'd adapt.
Now...as to your question...."Why is it like this?"...it is because you are young and have a big ego, so you still think your pecker is the definition of who you are as a man. This will pass if you let it....
There is no reason to be "sad"...it ain't all about you, kid.... | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/11/2009 6:20:56 PM | | Thanks. Of course I want to know how to please her better. I use to have ex's tell me exactly how they wanted it and I'd do my best. But she always just says "Whatever you want to do." "the sex is great". I've asked her many times what she'd like for me to do, but she never told me anything in specific. She has a bit of trouble expressing things like this. Which is why this is in a way a good thing because I haven't been doing much foreplay lately and this was a wakeup call. | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/11/2009 6:22:18 PM | OP -- Yep...I read your post and immediately said "Spoken like a true kid". Verified by your age in the profile. I wasn't surprised in the least.
Junior, you're 21. There's miles left to go, and hundreds of roads left to travel. You meet this girl and she tells you that her best lover was someone else..............and? So what? You didn't honestly think YOU would be the best lover she's had just 'cause you're the latest, did you?
And don't let her words be of any surprise at all. Men and women alike have uttered those words to their SO's, and they'll keep doing it as long as the questions keep getting asked. Oh yea, that's right...YOU ASKED HER. If you don't wanna know the answer, don't ask the question. It's really that simple. You dug and now feel stung because of it. Pat yourself on the back then genius, and remember next time curiosity grabs ya to let it go.
Why it surprises you or hurts you is not a mystery either. A fragile ego I suspect. Unless you're the best she's ever had, you feel put out. All I can say to that is, get over it. You'll be the best to some, the worst to some others, and just plain mediocre to the rest. If you expect to be the best she's ever had, with each new face, you're just kiddin' yourself. That won't happen. You'd have better odds winning the 6-49 3 times in a row.
And then you wanna now amend your sex "style" because she revealed that he did it a different way? Lemme tell you a secret behind that too...it's not so much the way he did things, or how...it's also WHO he was...the man behind the gestures. You can try all you want to duplicate the "style" she likes and pretend to be more like him, but you'll fail. End of story. You're not him, and never will be. And sooner or later she'll resent you for trying to be more like him.
If you can't take a simple thing like "You're not the best I've had" then you may wanna take yourself outta the game for a while and think about the reality we call life. At 21, don't you have more important things to think about than whether or not you're the best lover she's had? She's givin' it up to you...you're givin' it up to her...does it really make a difference that you're not the best she's ever had?
Nurse your bruised ego for a bit but think about things from a reality point of view. The odds of you being this one or that one's "best" each and every time are slim and none. Just accept that she's willing to sleep with you on a steady basis and let sleeping dogs lay next time.
And don't ask questions you don't want answers to. | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/11/2009 6:22:56 PM | OP It isn't for you to duplicate the same type of relationship. Whether it be sex, movies or whatever. Do you see where I am going with this? You have to be you.
When it comes to sex with a man I can't and don't lie. If it's good I say so. If it isn't I avoid the subject.
I personally would have stayed away from the subject of ex's. I don't see where it goes when you are first trying to build something for the two of you.
We woman do like it rough around the edges. Just not every time we engage in sex. Personally, I like a man that can follow through. Give it to me rough. Give it to me gentle. Just give it to me. LOL
So he did things different. That's ok. She still isn't over him so no matter what she would say it would be him that does it better at this point. All I can say is if you like her just hang in there. For whatever reasons they are not together, and you are now with her. One day at a time.  | |
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| And yet...
Posted: 6/11/2009 6:23:07 PM |
The truth is. My best sex was also with an ex.
...you aren't with her...you are with your current girl, and claim to be into her.
See how that works? What makes you think your girl / women in general aren't capable of the same?
I'd never tell her though, cause I know she'd be very hurt.
You'd never tell her, because she'd never ask. You weren't that smart.
That said...I wouldn't assume she'd be "very hurt"....perhaps she has the maturity to already understand the points I have made that had escaped you... | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/11/2009 6:33:29 PM | I also want to thank BigDaddyJinx and celebrtlife for their imput.
Maybe I do have an ego when it comes to this.
There is something else I want to mention. Yes it did hurt a bit when I learned that, but I like the fact that I know it now. I think it helps me grow, or else I could have went on thinking that I was the best (me and my ego, you see), and I might not have learned what she really liked in bed until much further down the road (potentially when it's too late).
I dont know this guy and I can't and don't want to become him in the slightest, I am happy with who I am. But still, he made her feel beautiful by taking things more gently and doing a lot of foreplay, which I dont have a habbit of doing. I *could* do that and I *have* done that in the past, but just not recently cause for some reason I thought she liked it rougher. Anyway, I know exactly what BigDaddyJinx means that's it not only about what he did or said, but who he is, and also who SHE was when she met him, but still, I could be more gentler with her once in a while if she likes that. Which I know now that she does, so I'm happy I learned that about her even if it was in this way. | |
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| And yet...
Posted: 6/11/2009 6:33:43 PM | Let it go. Don't let it get in your head.
Look in her eyes and tell her you think she is beautiful while you are (how did emlamnsea term it?) tapping that trim. If you feel she is beautiful and you show her - she'll feel it and all will be well. If you are worried each and every time that you are not "performing" - she will also feel that.
You have lots of time to become a great lover. In the meantime - lighten up and have some fun. | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/11/2009 6:37:12 PM |
I'm considering seriously upping my foreplay and gentleness for her, but I'm worried it might not do the trick and it could just come off as being insecure about my own style.
what it would "come off" as being, is someone who listens to the needs and desires of his partner and tries to meet them ... she's shared that she likes being romanced and cared for in the foreplay - for you to continue in the rough and ready mode that you thought she'd like before would be to discount what she's let you know (and would certainly NOt make her feel loved, as she desires - communication means really hearing as well as listening and sometimes acting upon what is heard...) | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/11/2009 7:21:44 PM | Truly, that is not a question for either one of you to ask of the other.
Now that you have...stop going down that rabbit hole in wondering how or what you can do to measure up to other people or any other guy that has come before you.
Think of it this way
Each of you has had what you both believe are remarkable sexual experiences with others. They each left an indelible mark in your memory...but also, just as likely in how you are with each other. People that come into our lives even if they don't last, bring things that stay with us. You both bring to each other in this current relationship a more enhanced union because of being with others and having had that experience.
Also, fantastic sex is just one aspect of a great relationship...neither of you are with these partners now despite that fact...and that's because it's the overall experience of being with them in that way, while important--was not enough.
Focus on what you have with her now, clearly she's important to you.
Focus on getting to know her better; on being attentive and generous (of yourself) to her both in bed and out. You're the one she's with now, and that's really all that matters.
edit
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/11/2009 7:41:36 PM | Hi sweetest,
I think you really have to do what comes naturally to you, don't play up fantasies that you truly don't enjoy. At the same time do keep in mind sex is about pleasing both people. If you feel you have not done your share of pleasing then perhaps try. A good relationship would involve the person usually telling you during the act what you are doing good and what you could change that makes it more pleasurable. I think maybe your girlfriend is not over her past partner, and that is an issue that is vital for her to resolve before moving on. It seems like she enjoyed certain elements of his presence and is looking for it in others which unfortunately is not always easy to find. Do not let this kill your self esteem or make you feel like a failure sexually. Maybe just have a conversation with her and talk about what things you can do to please each other. Try new things, and just have fun!
alcestis | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/11/2009 7:47:58 PM |
I know I cannot duplicate what happened between them... Not if you quit before you try. You're just on notice that she now knows what is possible, and so it should be on your list of things to do that you surpass what they experienced. He did you a favor by waking her up to what she is capable of, making her want it. She'd doing you a favor by letting you know what is possible if you make the effort. So, join the club and do yourself a favor and strive for the joy that is begging to be had. | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/11/2009 7:58:55 PM |
it could just come off as being insecure about my own style.
my primary thought is that if you have to adopt a 'style' that you dont get what it can be
like to interact sexually without focusing on a 'style'.
let the thoughts etc about the ex go. you asked. she shared- be glad that she shared.
ask her to show you what she likes- either by showing you how gentle she likes (certain) things etc
or by showing by using the pace, type of touch etc on you.
you clearly do not communicate with the women that you have been with sexually to
make an assumption that we like it rough around the edges. that's like me saying
all men like sports. etc. ok bad example, lol, but you see what i am inferring, OP?
dont worry about things, esp in the bedroom. just love her. | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/11/2009 8:11:13 PM | Unles one is a virgin, we've all had sex before with somone special, whatever the relationship was. Once upon a time I had a relationship and the best sex in my life with a very special man. First he was beautiful...inside and out. He was very tall and dark haired and sexy, whether it was a look he could give or the way he would talk with me. He had recovered from cancer after coming back from Iraq. He suffered through explosions, gun fire and loosing some of his best friends. Those experiences had changed his outlook on life, he savored every moment. His making love to me was unforgettable, unbelievably beautiful...sweet, hours of kissing and forplay, completely satisfying me every moment and making me feel as though I was the only woman in the world, the most beautiful woman in the world. He is gone forever now, after his greatest fear of returning to the war.
Okay, very personal to share and might have just lost any chances I may have had of getting a date on here...LOL But, my memories of him are beautiful and no lie somewhat painful. If she chose to share with you something as honest as that then respect her. Sex is different with different partners. That doesn't make the sex you have with her any less meaningfull in it's own way. | |
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