| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 2:57:28 AM | | I see that a lot of threads talk about being judged on looks and that seems to be the ultimate issue people have when it comes to being judged. Personally, I've found especially with the detachment of a dating site that depends on multiple factors that it's more of a blow to be rejected for something you say rather than a quick judgment based on looks that happens before a conversation opens up. For one, when someone turns down a first message it's not really personal because they don't know you and vise versa but when you share something that's "YOU" and the bottom drops out of conversation then it hits home more. When it comes to looks for myself I accept what I have because there's not much I can change but the personality/conversation aspect is more open ended and brings more questions. It's more malleable and involves the perfect chemistry of what to change for You and what to change to compromise for others. Difficult! :) I think it's vain to worry about your looks more as a factor for being rejected and it's a cop out that replaces other things that are more important to look into when it comes to your success with others. So I side with the personality factor! What type of rejection is harder for you guys: Looks or Personality! Peace! | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 3:17:25 AM | I don't feel that either is better or worse.
I accept that my looks are not going to be something that all people find attractive.
I accept that my personality is not going to be something that all people find attractive.
I am much more willing to change my looks, albeit not necessary as a way to "get" someone. However, in a relationship, I have shaved or grown hair because my partner had a preference. I have colored my hair, dressed up in clothes that are not in my everyday wear apparel, and really so many more small and fun things to make my partner say, "wow!"
I can't change my personality. I am who I am. I don't take it personally if someone rejects me for it because it's not something I'm willing or able to change. I would much rather someone reject me straight out for a personality clash than to continue getting to know me thinking they can change me in some way. "Lukewarm acceptance is more bewildering than outright rejection."
I have never really understood the idea behind when people say, "I really put myself out there and when I did, the other didn't like me." Well, so what? Isn't that the point of putting yourself out there? It's just another thing to make you go 'yay!' or 'nay!'. | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 3:23:53 AM | | REJECTION is REJECTION no matter how you look at it. It's just part of life, so it doesn't matter to me which one causes it. I am an adult and grew up a long time ago, so it makes no difference. I'll make it through it with out tears or the need to start a thread asking why! | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 3:28:39 AM | | prurie, good points! I've actually gotten to the point where I'm just "Hmmm" either way and I move on! :) I'm kind of reacting to the idea of people getting angry about someone who gave their profile a once over and never wrote back to them. They get mad because for some reason they thought someone who never gave them the time of day based on their looks was worth their grief. On the other hand, I find it more baffling when you have a little momentum going and then silence. You can't tell whether you gave answers to questions that didn't settle right with the person or if it was interpreted wrong by the reader. To inquire further to the other person comes off as pathetic and needy and therefore you get no answers. There's more self inflection based on conversation. On looks there's nothing to think about IMO. | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 3:38:03 AM | | No difference. If the person quits talking to you because of your looks and or your personality then you go find people that would like you for you. Don't worry yourself over how people behave even if you use the excuse you have in your post. Iviting a headache is a waste of time, it will only create negative thoughts for yourself. heaps of people out there that would appreciate you, just go find them. | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 3:47:37 AM | Neither is better or worse than the other. Regardless of the type of relationship (friends, family, business or romance) rejection of any sort only affects us as much as we allow it to. People weed themselves right out for me when they choose to reject me for any reason. Saves me a lot of hassle, so I don't mind.
I've been pretty, I've been ugly, and I've been pretty ugly. Looks change, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse, sometimes over a long period of time and sometimes in an instant. I never minded at all being rejected for my looks. Based on my life experience, my looks will change again. Maybe someone will find my appearance attractive, but probably not and I don't really care if they don't. I have never had any desire whatsoever to change my appearance solely to attract someone else.
My personality is who I am. Any personality adjustments I've ever made, to try to be who or what someone else wanted me to be, always seemed too contrived and artificial and never lasted. If someone wants to reject me because of who I truly am, I am better off for it. I refuse to be fake just so someone else might like me for awhile. | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 3:54:34 AM |
On the other hand, I find it more baffling when you have a little momentum going and then silence. You can't tell whether you gave answers to questions that didn't settle right with the person or if it was interpreted wrong by the reader. To inquire further to the other person comes off as pathetic and needy and therefore you get no answers. There's more self inflection based on conversation.
I do understand and can relate to what you are saying. I'm a curious person by nature and find people in general rather fascinating so I often wonder why or at what point they decide X, Y or Z. When I have nothing better to do I will meander in my thoughts to speculate if I don't have enough of a rapport with the person to ask.
I figure if it didn't settle right or was misinterpreted then that's an obvious personality clash thus leaving no need for an inquiry.
Quite frankly, I don't take anyone on line seriously until we meet face to face and even then not until we have went out a handful of times. So basically, regardless of the momentum, they just aren't a real consideration with the ability to effect me personally. | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 5:37:30 AM | To me, it wouldn't matter why I was rejected, the point is I was rejected...and I move on.
I think I speak for most men and women when I say no one wants someone who they're not interested in returning with the "why" attitude. | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 6:32:24 AM |
I think I speak for most men and women when I say no one wants someone who they're not interested in returning with the "why" attitude.
Yet it's the basis of more than 75% of the threads out there!
I know you have the best of intentions, but are giving the general public way to much credit!
People these days have a G.W.Bush concept. Just like he viewed the economy, most people view their own self esteem as better then it is.  | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 6:46:12 AM | | Bry-Fidelity....you know, I reckon it's all down to how you're feeling emotionally at the time. You notice how if something minor happens when all is going well, you can just brush it off, give a shrug and get on with you life. Let's say it's a minor thing but you're feeling crap at the time for whatever reason. Then you start to analyse it. I think most of us have been there and done that. I would describe myself as easy going, I've had several long term relationships and I get on well with most people, but once I went on a blind date with someone who wouldn't even go for a second drink with me. I did go home and think what the hell's wrong with me, then I realised we just weren't right for each other. He didn't really float my boat either but rejection still stings. I think you just have to pick yourself up and carry on. Even when you're in a relationship, I don't think you can rely on someone else to make you feel good....it has to come from within. I have mostly good days and some crap days, and I don't mind I'm still working on my self esteem too. Good luck anyway. | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 6:52:54 AM | | Let's face it, if you aren't the hottest person in the room you know it already. However if you think you have game and a great personality, it would come more of a surprise if that was the reason you were rejected. The important thing to keep in mind is that so what if someone doesn't find a you attractive there are close to 7 billion people on this rock one of them will. To many people worry what others think of them. Worry about what you think of yourself and you will be much happier that way. | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 6:58:43 AM | Why do you see it as a rejection at all. I think everyone on this board has e-mailed and suddenly people go poof. I have even checked sent mails to make sure the crazy personality didn't write the poor sod. It isn't a rejection, it is a gnat-like attention span that got didstracted and frankly, I don't need another kid in my life.
You control how you think and feel. When I was around 16 my mother told me I wasn't bad to look at so it was probably because of my personality that I didn't have a boyfriend. Didn't put much stock in what my mother said so I didn't need therapy for that one but I could have, had I chosen to buy into it. | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 7:13:14 AM | Taking it "personally" is rejection.
Sorting out at who/what gives you a buzz is not meant as rejection. A glance...read a bit...uh uh...Nothing personal about it. You are a stranger.
If I go into a nightclub and there are many men there looking at me to see if I am going to give them the "look", do they feel "rejection" if I don't???
Wow...if they do, that is simply weird.
It is the same on dating sites. A cyber nightclub....everyone looks..
Get over it. No one is under any obligation to anyone. | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 7:25:06 AM | If OP is referring to online, you can't really get a good view of what a persons personality is like, until the two of you meet in person.
On online dating sites, a lot of rejection has to do with looks. It could also be based on how ones profile is written. | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 7:27:16 AM | | Rejection is rejection, however, I think being rejected because of personality is much worse than being rejected because of looks. The reason behind this some people that are not good looking have the personality plus that lights up a room and are very impressive and quiet sociable whereas someone possibly with good looks are very arrogant and self centered. I'd rather be around someone not so good looking with a great personality than someone good looking but arrogant and antagonizing. | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 7:36:42 AM | My looks get me in the door with plenty of women. My personality gets me out! Seriously I went from meeting this hot Asian chick, getting her number and planning to meet again to this weekend...to you can just delete my number within the span of 5 minutes! She said I was bragged to much and was full of myself. I was had been drinking so I probably was a bit obnoxious. So I lost out big time. I guess I can work on my sometimes abrasive personality. Harder to fix the outer shell IMO. I try to learn from my mistakes.
I also met a cute little Russian waitress last night. Have not had a chance to screw that up yet. I seem to click better with younger women(under 25) though. They tolerate me better! | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 7:58:57 AM | I've never lost a moments sleep because of rejection. What difference does it really make whether it's looks or personality?
If you're the person being rejected what are you going to do, adjust your personality to fit anothers? Just how long would that last! Or if you're rejected because of looks what are you going to do, get a complete make over? Nah, rejection should role off your back like water off a ducks back.
Don't loose any sleep over it.......there's more than one person out there for you/me. | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 8:58:01 AM | | Neither can be worse because neither is bad. Being rejected is neither good nor bad. It is just finding out the initial interest isn't mutual. The why doesn't matter. If you were trying different keys to find which fit a lock, would it be worse if the key didn't fit because of the way the teeth were cut, or because of the shape of the key not fitting into the slot in the lock? What matters is finding someone you do get along with, not that anyone you check out isn't that person and why they aren't. Rejection of interest is a distraction. Think about it for two seconds, in case they have provided some useful info, like if you have food stuck in your teeth or something, and then look at the next one. If you make the search into a miserable ordeal, good look. | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 9:13:05 AM | | I'm a love me or leave me kinda person. You either like my looks or you don't. You either like my personality or you don't. No big deal to me. I'm not about to change my personality so I can fit in with someone else's preferences and I wouldn't even change my appearance to suit someone else's preferences - gotta be me or I'd lose my identity. Chances are, if someone doesn't like me for my looks or personality, I'm not gonna like something about either of theirs too , so - next! The only people who have a problem with this concept are those with low self esteem/lack of confidence - so if there's any changing to do, work on that. | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 9:23:34 AM | Neither is more devastating. Rather, initial attraction based on looks followed by the weeding out of someone based on separate interests or dealbreakers in conversation is rather typical of the process of dating.
Someone who "rejects" (word is in quotes because I believe it's not rejection but a mismatch) you based on looks or personality is recognizing that while you may be attractive and a good person, that they don't particularly find you interesting or attractive to them.
Someone else may find the exact same things valuable traits. | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 9:27:04 AM |
What type of rejection is harder for you guys: Looks or Personality!
Neither is hard. I stopped taking rejection personally. It doesn't say anything about me, it says something about them. So I have no problem being a recipient of rejection.
Of course the question could be read to ask which rejection is harder to do: by looks or personality.
I feel more guilt when rejecting someone by looks because theoretically that makes me a bad person, even though I get the standard self protection excuses such as "I'd be worried about their health," or," it's just my preference," which assuage the guilt.
I don't really feel guilty when rejecting someone due to their personality, because I can always rationalize myself as smarter, at least in something.
Or for being morally superior. I can rationalize rejecting them for their personality by focusing on certain things out of context and adding them up to come up with labels such as "gold digger," or, "bytch," or, "needy," or, "shallow." I can compartmentalize or stereotype their personality.
Then I get to be the better person, because at least I'm not a gold digging, needy, shallow bytch. When in reality they aren't either, but I get to compose certain attributes of personality to prove they are to make myself feel better.
Either way I can take the "high ground" by wishing them all the best, and hope they get what they want in life, and how we can be "friends," when really it just means I feel superior so can be generous in what I offer them.
So rejecting by looks causes greater negative feelings requiring a little rationalization.
Rejecting someone for personality takes more time, a lot more mental effort, and ends in feelings of superiority.
But really in measurable difference of difficulty neither one is all that hard. | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 9:30:41 AM | I like to get rejected for both, simultaneously - that way, I know for sure that there's no changing their minds. And then I can say "Their loss!" and feel good about me.
But really, rejection is rejection and the more I like the other person, the more it stings - regardless of the reason. No wait ... getting rejected because of my age by guys within 5 or so years of that same age is the stingiest one, I think. It doesn't make any difference logically or practically - but my emotional reaction tends to be "What the heck is your problem? You aren't nearly so young as you think you are."  | |
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| Is it worse to get rejected for your looks or your personality?
Posted: 6/12/2009 9:34:19 AM | One's basic physical appearance is 90% genetics. The individual didn't do anything to get them, or at least had alot of innate/inheritted stuff helping them develope their appearance. I for instance have to eat like a pig, and do stuff like avoid blinking and all physical movement if possible, to stay thin, and a little effort in the gym goes a long way. Thats genetics. I'm not exactly going to take a bow for that ... though I'm not going to complain about it either. Thanks dad! Thanks mom! Appreciate it!
And of course, in time, EVERYONE's looks fade.
While I would rather not be rejected, period, I would rather be rejected based upon something I had a little more to do with ... like my personality. Not that I'm not a naturally nice guy  but, you know, there are lots of not-so-nice people in the world ... so it takes some real effort. It's a choice. | |
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