| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 2:05:12 PM | In the past I have tried to avoid dating women with children, but not for the reason you may think.
My parents got divorced when I was about 3. My mother took me and moved here from New Jersey. I didn't meet my father until I was probably about 13.
My mother sacrificed just about everything in her life for me. She worked jobs she hated, rarely ever bought herself anything that wasn't a necessity, etc. Part of her sacrifice was in being a young woman with a man's attention. She dated very sporadically and never for more than a couple of meetings. That is until I was about 12. That's when she met Jack.
It had always just been me and her. So when he showed up I felt like I was being "muscled out". I had already "lost" my father, and I felt like I was losing my mother too. It was very upsetting to me. I tried to think of my mother, and that she deserved to have a relationship. Of course it didn't help that he was an out of work drunk.
Anyway, the point of this story is that I don't want to be that guy. I know how it feels when your mother is dating. I know how it feels to want to protect her, and yet keep her to yourself. i know how angry that can make a young child, maybe particularly a young boy. It would just kill me to be looked at that way, to essentially become Jack.
But there's another reason too. I dated a woman once who had a daughter. As I spent time with them, I began to feel that I could make this work, that I could be, maybe not a father to this little girl, but something close. I liked to play with her and buy her things, tell her stories, etc. But then it didn't work out for whatever reason, and I became my father, the one who left.
Now I wasn't with this family for very long, 2-3 weeks maybe, but it was enough to scare me. It scared me that I could hurt some young child by leaving. I know what that feels like too, and it cuts like a knife. Wondering what you did to cause them to leave. Wondering what you could have done differently. Seeing your mother miss him, crying sometimes. Wondering if you caused her this pain.
So I've been very cautious about this. A mother is a holy thing and I don't take it lightly. A single mother is one youngster's whole world. Who am I to change that world? Who am I to intrude on that world? I'd better be a heck of a guy, and I'd better be sure I'm up to the task.
I'm starting to think that it's a good thing that I am aware of these potential problems, but that I ought not avoid them. The fact is that I'm a pretty good guy and I have a lot to offer, not just to a woman, but children too.
So what do you guys think? Will you take on a girl with a child or children? Ladies, what has your experience been with dating guys while having kids at home?
~Justin | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 2:14:30 PM | I think , perhaps because your mom insulated you so well, that you don't really know how resilient kids are.
If you go into a relationship honestly and communicate that way with both the woman and the child, the hurt caused by a breakup will be similar to the one all kids go through when a playmate moves away or changes school.
They're sad, they adjust and move on. | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 2:27:31 PM |
A single mother is one youngster's whole world.
Only if the single mother has set it up this way.
Have you ever questioned that if your mother had more of a life outside of you when you were a child if it wouldn't have been so shocking when she finally got one? Would you have felt that you were losing her if she hadn't put herself in the position to be the only person in your life? Would you have been as angry and upset if you had a bigger support base to draw from? If you knew that mom had a life outside of being a mother, that she was also a woman with adult needs and desires for companionship, would you respect her less or realize that balance is the key to a happy, healthy and anger free life?
The whole world is a pretty big place with lots and lots of people in it.
I couldn't date this type of person. If you are the whole world to your children then our parenting styles are going to clash, dramatically.
Nor could I date someone who would introduce me to their children within 2-3 weeks. I haven't even determined if I like you, why would I want to meet your children?
You could also ask if women will take on a guy with a child or children. It's really, really prevalent these days that men are the single parent raising children alone. | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 2:31:31 PM | Those are very good points. I guess I don't really know the answer to that, but it's certainly something to consider.
In the case of the woman I dated who had a daughter, I had known her for many years. She had dated a friend of mine, so it didn't feel weird to introduce me to her daughter right away.
~Justin | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 2:32:17 PM | Yes it is a good thing that you have that insight and know what to avoid, just don't let it scare you too much. You need to remember that you are not 'Jack' hence your actions and behavior is totally different in how you approach a relationship with a single mother, plus remember a lot of these children have fathers that are in their life so you are not there to replace them.
When my daughter was younger she knew I was dating but she did not meet my dates until way further down the road, 2-3 weeks is way too early in my opinion. When you do meet the kids just be a friend/pal to them, take a step back atleast in the beginning and understand that until the kids accept you as part of the family dynamic you might have to take a bit of a back seat while they are around. | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 2:47:00 PM | Considering things is one of my favorite ways to spend the time.
Navigating life and dating is all pretty much trial and error. You learn from your set of experiences one thing, someone learns something completely different from a similar set of experiences and someone else learns something similar from a different set of experiences.
It's fascinating.
If you take people as individuals with different experiences and lessons learned instead of lumping them into what your perception of how it is or should be based on your experiences, you may expand your thinking and learning to include those that think differently and have new experiences to draw from.
I think it's fine to have a preference to not want to date single parents for whatever reason under the sun that you have. I have the same preference and I am a single parent. However, I wouldn't exclude someone because they are a single parent. Just like I would like to date someone who is my age, but wouldn't pass on someone really interesting with a lot of potential that was 10 years older/younger. | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 2:53:38 PM | I was not brought up in a single home, but I would not want to date a man with a small child either.
The time spent raising children is very short... and I feel all their attention should be focused on them, not me.
Kids don't ask for a single parent, nor do they want another to compete with.
Just my opinion. | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 3:04:39 PM | | First of all, I think things have changed significantly since we were growing up. Unfortunately, there are many more divorced parents now then there were then. My boys' dad and I were divorced about 10 years ago. Only a couple years later my older son (14 now) started complaining that he wanted me to get married again. I was surprised by that - especially since I rarely dated and was a long way from being ready to be married again. Anyway, several years later I was very seriously involved with someone. My kids loved his kids a great deal. When that didn't work out my kids were devastated. They weren't so much hurt over losing him as they were about losing his kids. Since that time I've hardly dated - and again, my kids started asking if I would ever get married again. It might just be mine, but boys nowadays seem to want to see their mothers in a happy relationship. They almost seem too hopeful, and for that reason, I consistently remind them that IF I ever meet someone I feel that way about, I don't have to be married to have a relationship with them. | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 3:16:46 PM | It's interesting to read your perspective as it relates to you childhood Justin. I think it's prudent to be understanding and considerate about possible impacts, and agree with the posters that say that children are resilient and that single mom's need to be 'women' too, and not just 'a mom'.
The separation from my child's father was a non-event for my son at one year of age; whereas a subsequent post-divorce live-in relationship with a man and his two sons which ended after 5 years was very significant and had a very dramatic impact on him.
That ending, coupled with my ex's own long-term post-divorce live-in relationship break-up, after a similar amount of years with a woman and her two boys, also created a lot of loss for my son, over a relatively short time frame.
Further my ex quickly followed that long term relationship for several years with what I refer to as ' turnstile girlfriends'. There seemed to be constant change in that landscape of 'significant other women' in his life.
I recall distinctly a comment made by my son when we were starting up at his first little league baseball game of the year (2nd yr minors/1st yr majors??) and what he said really stuck with me...He said, "Mom, have you ever noticed that every year, Dad has a new girlfriend on the bleachers?" I hadn't actually. But it was then that I made a choice to keep my own relationships more or less under wraps from him, unless I found there was some real potential for something lasting with someone.
To my son I appeared like your mother for a few years, but then I also realized that he also needed to see me 'functioning' in relationships---perhaps just not all of them.
More recently as a teenager, he's been harping for a few years now to date more and questioning whether I'm going to get married again. He wants me to, and I'd go as far as to say I think emotionally, he would feel better to see this happen for both of his parents.
I do believe that kids do very well through the normal ups and downs ...but for kids of divorce with two parents 'out there' dating for 15+ years....constantly bringing in new people into their lives and having them 'exit'...sometimes with a good-bye or sometimes not, it can be rough for them to process---especially with other sibling-like children of a similar age (and a pet or two!) in the mix. It's not hard to see why being mindful of this in dating is important.
edited
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 3:38:29 PM | Well I adhere to the Jerry Maguire rule on single moms.
Never take dating em lightly.
And as such, I was living with a single mom a while back.
(after my divorce)
A wonderful person and a great mom.
But we couldn't make a go of it.
It's sortof sad cus I miss her kids.
But can't stay in contact.
Need to leave the field clear for the next guy and I hope he's the one.
Cus those kids deserve the best.
(as does she of course)
The Jerry Maguire rule cuts both ways. | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 7:36:36 PM | Well this has been enlightening. That's so cool that your boys have been actively encouraging you to date.
In my situation, my mom just didn't date. Like I say she did it a few times when I was real little, but as I got older she just stopped. So it was kind of a shock when i woke up one morning and there was a guy passed out on our couch! I almost thought maybe he had broken in or something!
It's nuts because he was younger then than I am now......huh....weird to think of him that way.
Maybe if he would have just been more together instead of the shiftless bum that he was I wouldn't have these fears. I don't know, that was a long time ago and I have trouble associating my feelings for specific things back then. If he would have been this great guy that treated my mom well maybe I would be ANCTIOUS to emulate his example.
~Justin | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 7:47:30 PM | If you are a good person, then I don't see a problem. My biological father remarried a psycho alcoholic in disguise and I didn't find out until too late. I was all for the marriage because she was "pretty". Taught me a good lesson about looks at a young age. Sometimes, both the parent and the child can be blinded.
If you are a kind and gentle man (which it seems you are), then only good could come from this. Just go slow. Don't move in right away etc. Let the child somewhat guide their relationship with you. Try to know the child's personality so you can gauge how to become closer with them. Some kids don't like someone who tries to be buddy buddy. Others don't like someone who stays too distant. It's hard, but trying to be on their level first is important. Don't try to take over the discipline or control of the household. Don't belittle the child's relationship with their parent. My stepmother was jealous of me in how my father treated me. Don't let that happen either.
You seem to be already thinking of the child in any potential relationship, and that's a good thing. You would probably be better at this than you think :) | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 7:50:12 PM | | I don't think I can help you much, but I would say keep thinking it the way you are and don't be a Jack. Even avoid meeting the kids. The separation from you could be tragic if you don't work out for the mother. I hadn't thought of it that way myself, so thanks to whomever brought that in. | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 8:19:22 PM | I left my ex when my baby was 8 but he was very much involved in her life so it was good for her.
What I did after I left my ex, I was careful who I bring home and when. I dated and had relationships over the years but my baby’s safety and safe home environment was my priority and importance to me. It was only after she turned 16 that I brought guys home when she is around.
I made the decision to put my daughter’s safety and safe environment before my love life, now she is 20 and a loved and well adjusted child. It was hard back then but you brought this gem in this world then make the effort to keep them safe always.
I will date a man with children and I will treat his kids like my own. | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 8:24:33 PM | Kudos to those who are single parents. I do not envy them. They have a tough job and I respect them for it.
that being said....I have tried dating men with kids. Doesn't work for me. I refuse to do it ever again. | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 9:17:43 PM |
Posted by gigglemepink: Kudos to those who are single parents. I do not envy them. They have a tough job and I respect them for it.
that being said....I have tried dating men with kids. Doesn't work for me. I refuse to do it ever again.
I'm curious as to what was the problem with dating a man with kids? | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 9:26:56 PM |
The time spent raising children is very short...
Unless you think parents have nothing to teach their kids after the kids have turned 20, then I think raising kids can extend 2 decades? | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 9:57:04 PM | | If your not an out of work drunk then you don't have to worry about that aspect.And as far as meeting a child 2-3 weeks after starting a relationship that's the mothers choice I don't agree with kids being introduced so early.If you feel uncomfortable with meeting them so soon say so and give your reasons.I do commend you for thinking this through.I hope that you would reconsider being in a realtionship with children because had your childhood experiance with the out of work drunk been different been so would your outlook.Peace and blessings | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 10:05:44 PM | OP - The thing about being vulnerable and opening yourself up to friends, family and in this case complete strangers is that you'll find a variety of different people responding to you in a variety of different ways.
I too won't date women with children, and I've come to find out, you're better off just keeping the "why's" of the story to yourself because people will try and guilt you and logic you into dating a single mom as much as they possibly can.
People say kid's will get over it.
Well, yeah they get over it, but you never walk away from a bad cut without a nasty scar.
My Grandpa Got remarried when I was litte and two years later got a divorce. I was very close to her, she treated me like a real grandson. Then it was over, just like that. She was out of my life forever.
From the outside looking in, I'm sure to most it was no big deal. From the inside looking out, it was.
You don't want to date a girl with kids, don't. Those that don't want to understand you and see where you're coming from never will.
So, "I hate kids, I don't want a woman with baggage, I ain't got time for that" and "I don't want to be dating a single mom and get close to the kid(s) and then break up and never get to see the kid again" are the exact same in some eyes.
Just say you don't and let others think what they want to. | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 10:09:48 PM |
Now I wasn't with this family for very long, 2-3 weeks maybe, but it was enough to scare me. It scared me that I could hurt some young child by leaving. I know what that feels like too, and it cuts like a knife. Wondering what you did to cause them to leave. Wondering what you could have done differently. Seeing your mother miss him, crying sometimes. Wondering if you caused her this pain.
I have children and I would never , ever bring a man into my children's lives that soon. In fact, while dating or getting to know a guy, I am against introducing him to my children until it becomes absolutely necessary.
I think 2-3 weeks is a bit too fast to meet kids. | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 10:12:20 PM |
I'm curious as to what was the problem with dating a man with kids?
Why do I need to answer? I do'nt want to date someone with kids
Aurelian said it best
I too won't date women with children, and I've come to find out, you're better off just keeping the "why's" of the story to yourself because people will try and guilt you and logic you into dating a single mom as much as they possibly can.
just replace moms with dads | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 11:44:46 PM |
In my situation, my mom just didn't date. Like I say she did it a few times when I was real little, but as I got older she just stopped. So it was kind of a shock when i woke up one morning and there was a guy passed out on our couch! I almost thought maybe he had broken in or something!
Well, that might have been the problem! She didn't talk to you about it, then -- she just did it?
My children and I are very close, but we have a healthy relationship. They don't expect me to sacrifice my life for them and actually know that I wouldn't do that. They understand that I have needs and a life of my own, that will continue when they're gone. If they get this now, they won't go into their own relationships with unhealthy expectations, i.e., that a partner should sacrifice themselves for them.
As for meeting someone early on, I think it's pretty silly to wait until I'm serious with someone and THEN introduce them to my kids. If there's a problem or the kids don't like him or visa versa, now what?
I have friends and they speak to my children and come in contact with them. Someone I'm dating can have the same interaction with the children. There's nothing wrong with that. There's no need to do a formal, This is -- he will be, meeting. If I'm dating a guy (seeing him regularly) , my kids will already know I'm dating him. Meeting him will be no big deal to them. If we stop dating, that's a part of life. Relationships begin; relationships end. It's healthy for them to understand this. | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/12/2009 11:49:45 PM | Great post, as it's a subject close to my heart.
I have a little one, that I've insulated from my dating life fairly well... I don't ever bring dates home, unless we are both looking at long term and cohabitation. Having said that, I have had to forego meeting many people, if they don't have a private place, and cannot afford hotels for privacy.
As to dating someone with child/ren, it has been difficult for me to date those men as well, because usually there is some abnormal attachment to ex or the children, and not a sufficient boundary between their relationships with their children and their relationships with adult women. There ought to be discipline from parent to child, that a child doesn't interfere in the parent's relationship. M | |
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| Women and Children First
Posted: 6/13/2009 1:09:06 AM | | I would assume that most single mothers aren't really looking for a daddy figure for the kids..I know i'm not..my kids already have a healthy relationship with their father. I guess real issues arise when mothers are hoping to meet someone that can play the father role. | |
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