| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/13/2009 9:01:01 AM | I was involved with a rude,arrogant man who I have not had contact with for nearly 3 months. In the beginning of our relationship he suckered me in big time..I was the best of everything he ever wanted (blah, blah blah) - At the time I was very enamoured with this successful, well presented, very charming, intelligent, attractive, witty man. I fell hook line n sinker in love with this Loser (thats what they do = 'love' you and then dump on you)
During the courtship there were very many red flags which I chose to ignore...
He was manipulative, uncaring, mean , mentally, verbally, emotionally abusive throughout the 'courtship'. I was USED to the fullest extent by him. I came to find out thru these Forums and other sites that he is a TRUE NARCISSIST(NPD narcissitic personality disorder).. (google the traits if you are unsure what that is).
He has an 8 year old daughter who he idolized ( a refelection of himself) I was never allowed to meet the daughter after one year of dating. He treated his child like a 'girlfriend' which I didnt think strange at the time because he was just being an "overly loving father". ..NOT so! He was manipulating the child to 'get-at' the mother. Also by what I witnessed in the year that we dated, I fear that there is somewhat of a 'covert affair' with the child .. (part of their NPD traits )
He was and still is, on a 'mission' to destroy the his ex wife. Since there on/off separation/divorce of about 6 years, he has made it is goal to make his ex wife a target of his constant manipulative and mindmessing behavior. This was part of the reason I finally walked away, for my own sanity and for what I saw first hand by this evil man.
It took me a while to discover his 'illness' and label his increasingly bad behavior and OMG! when I read about NPD I was astounded at the accuracy on his behavior.
I am sure his ex is not aware of NPD... and I wondered if I should send her a link to a site that has helped me get through this mans mental abuse (im still struggling with it).
I have no grudge or am not vindictive at all .. I just want her to know how to handle this sick emotional vampire. We never met and I would send the link anonymously because I feel that had I known of this Narcissistic Disorder I would have walked away sooner or at least known how to handle this monster. The child is my main concern. He is wanting full custody of her and being the very charming ,clever man that he is - I feel sure that he will fool the courts..
The exwife needs to know WHAT she is dealing with, do I send an anonymous link to her email to help her prepare for the battle?
btw: NPD are incapable of loving ANYONE not even there kids - its all part of the illness) | |
|
| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/13/2009 9:11:10 AM | I know this desease very well, yes I would send the site to her anonymously. Don't be surprised though if she does not read it some woman just want to stick their heads in the sand.
I was involved with something similiar, there was a an ex or so I thought ex he was playing us both. When I found out I called her and let her know the games in which he was playing I did it because I wanted to be finally rid of him once and for all and it worked have not heard from him in over an year. She was a very nice lady ( too nice) and thought they were both on track putting their lives together, seeing a councelor and all. She didn't begrudge me for the call or me at all she knew what he was capable of she just felt sick that she allowed him back in again.
Be thankful that you have gotten this vermon out of your life and you now know what you don't want. | |
|
| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/13/2009 9:14:34 AM |
During the courtship there were very many red flags which I chose to ignore...
He was manipulative, uncaring, mean , mentally, verbally, emotionally abusive throughout the 'courtship'. I was USED to the fullest extent by him.
If there were red flags and you ignored them then the blame there is your's. You weren't used. You were a willing participant. Drop the "I'm a victim!" mindset.
I have no grudge or am not vindictive at all .. I just want her to know how to handle this sick emotional vampire. We never met and I would send the link anonymously because I feel that had I known of this Narcissistic Disorder I would have walked away sooner or at least known how to handle this monster. The child is my main concern. He is wanting full custody of her and being the very charming ,clever man that he is - I feel sure that he will fool the courts..
The exwife needs to know WHAT she is dealing with, do I send an anonymous link to her email to help her prepare for the battle?
Uh huh... You aren't being vindictive? Really? Your profile says "Professional Sales" for your occupation yet you feel free to make a clinical diagnosis and then feel the need to pass that on to others? When did mental health professionals start labeling themselves as being in sales?
I think you are fooling yourself. Being vindictive is exactly what you are doing. | |
|
| |
| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/13/2009 9:18:24 AM | Shug unless you have a "shingle" to practice psychiatry, then it is best to let the ex wife deal with the whack she married...
From reading you description, and being in an abnormal psychology class, he also has other personality disorders, and probably even some sort of mental illness on top of the whole thing. Which is typical of most people with personality disorders..
Most courts have court ordered psych evaluations for both parents, especially if one parent is requesting a change of custody. He may be charming and witty to someone unknowing to the the field of psychiatry, however he can't fool everyone..
Sometimes despite our best intentions, it is best to let these two who were together before you ever came along to hash this out on their own... It is very sad that his daughter will more than likely be inflicted with some personality disorders herself, however you can't save anyone in this mess... | |
|
| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/13/2009 9:22:33 AM | Thanks Samantha...I notice you are looking for 'friends' - isn't it strange that those of us who KNOW this desease are reluctant to to look for LTR again.. I am soo afraid of being sucked in by what I thought was "the one". Very clever EVIL people . Im still trying to flush the venom from my mind and I am happy that I labeled and aware of his behavior or I would still be being beaten down by him.
His ex is taking steps to move from a home they shared - I know she is tormented by his aggressive strangle hold on her through their child. | |
|
| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/13/2009 9:23:49 AM | The red flags you chose to ignore are 100% on you. The issue is not him and his asshat ways it is you for being as naive and forgiving as you were. The first time he treated a strange poorly, pitched a fit over nothing or made you feel awkward THAT was when you needed to go. Instead you sucked up the bogus compliments and ignored the obvious. You chose to be treated like a second class citizen by a good looking well off jerk becuase you enjoyed being with a good looking well off jerk.
Believe me his Ex wife who I am sure you have never met (if you never met the child) is completely aware of who and what he is, a label does not make it easier to deal with and sending her unsolicited advice is vindictive. | |
|
| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/13/2009 9:28:15 AM | first of all, what makes you think his ex doesn't know him as well if not better than you. you don't know what really occurred in their marriage and divorce -- only what he's told you. which according to your diagnosis, his version would be all bs. she may have dumped him due to his nasty, self centered behavior. she may in fact be a pro at dealing with him. if he's so angry at her, why don't you wonder why? could it be she hurt his ego by dumping him. if he is npd those ego bruises are huge for them. furthermore do you really think that if she is so ignorant, (not as smart as you) that reading something about npd from an anonymous person is really going to open her eyes if they are in fact closed.
lets be honest --- you are angry that you stayed with this guy as long as you did, denying all the red flags and letting yourself be "used" . we all have lessons to learn, this is one of yours. you posted in another thread that he was onto a new woman, since you. this is likely another source of your anger--that you wanted him and he seemed to only use you. if you see him for what he is and realize it could never be good for you two then move on. thats what you need to do...(stop focusing on everyone else) | |
|
| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/13/2009 9:32:36 AM | Jim:
Thanks for your input..I at no time am representing myself as a clinical psychiatrist or anything of that nature.... I have clearly stated here that what I read and recognize his behavior as being classic text book traits.
I know what I endured with this man - they are very clever at sucking you in much like when you are out fishing: the best bait is used -- then once hooked are roped in to be cut and fried until your next fishing trip, only you get better at it each time.
This was the probably the worst 'fake, untrue' relationship of my life - a lesson learned! | |
|
| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/13/2009 9:38:15 AM | Lexygurl:
I hear you loud and clear but for the fact the jerk is still texting/emailing me ..I choose to ignore it all .. he will not let go.. Im guessing I am on his chitlist too as it was me who stopped all contact with him.
It did take me a loong time to 'discover' that there is a mental illness and he was'nt just being a jerk .. I know what to do ... NO CONTACT with Him at all.
thanks for the input .. | |
|
| |
| |
| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/13/2009 1:34:02 PM | | Ask yourself this question, "Would I want my ex (possibly angry with hostile feelings towards me) to be telling my current person of interest everything they dislike about me and trying to sabotage my relationship?". My guess is that you wouldn't want somebody doing that to you, regardless of what their motivation was. | |
|
| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/13/2009 1:35:42 PM |
I at no time am representing myself as a clinical psychiatrist or anything of that nature.... I have clearly stated here that what I read and recognize his behavior as being classic text book traits.
OP, as I stated in my first post, this is a personality disorder, NOT a mental illness... However with personality disorders the person does NOT realize their behavior is a problem...
AS well, as I said they also have other issues, so hitting ONE "text book case" doesn't mean a lot unless you are trained in psychiatry... I have taken some classes, and WOULDN'T diagnose anyone... NOR would I tell anyone else what I think someone has, because that is practicing medicine without a license...
I had a relationship with someone I and others labeled as NPD, however he actually had an over lapping of three different personality disorders...
I am ONLY explaining this to you kindly, because if he is as vindictive mean, et al he can sue you for defamation of character, especially if you try and mettle in his legal battles... Especially if his Ex wife were to say the "heard it from friend who heard it from a book"..
YES, we who have dealt with people that have this disorder, OR tendencies stop dating for a while...
One thing that has been missed is that people with NPD, are very good at selecting people with their OWN dysfunction. Healthy well balanced people do NOT select relationships that have blazing red flags and ignore them... When I met the guy that had all of his issues, I had my own, and after the fact figured it would be a really good time to save myself, by learning what my own dysfunction was.
OP, I am NOT trying to be mean, or nasty, however since you asked the question you have to be fully aware of the implications of what you are wanting to do. I agree it is good to KNOW that there are people with certain characteristics that would not work with you. Trying to save the ex wife, is not your job, and giving a diagnosis CAN cause you more problems then you may want to take on...
Best thoughts you can be given is this, learn from what happened, and then look at yourself as to what made you so vulnerable...
Good luck | |
|
| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/13/2009 2:32:12 PM | You women are sad who feel the need to inform people you don't know about the men who you've dated.
EVERYONE can be made to seem like a psycho if they can't defend themselves.
There's always 2 sides to the story. | |
|
| |
pgem
|
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 17 | |
| |
| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/13/2009 7:31:21 PM | OP, you admit you ignored the red flags. That is on you. He showed you who he is, you thought you could change him. Thats your role in this, and by making excuses, it shows you have not learned anything by it at all.
You dont know if he actually has a disorder. You are not a doctor.
His ex wife dumped him already. She knows he is an azz. She left him. Why would she want to hear from a woman who never even met her child on this issue?
Mind your own business, heal thy self, and move on. All the reading you did on him, do on yourself and try to figure out why you made such terrible choices by hanging in there with a man who showed you his true colors.
He kept his daughter away from you, therefore he kept many aspects of his life away from you. How the hell can you claim to know him so well, if you never even met his child? And you speculate that he doesnt even love this child, or has sick intentions, when you never witnessed them together? Assumptions and vidictiveness all rolled into one here. | |
|
| |
| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/13/2009 8:06:52 PM | You were not USED, you CHOSE to ignore the red flags.
You were a volunteer.
His and his ex-wife and childs business is their affair. Mind your own affairs.
Unless he has talked of harming the child or you are aware of abuse going on, in which case it would be your obligation to report to family services, and let them do an intervention. | |
|
| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/13/2009 8:13:21 PM | | ^^^^^^ I have to disagree. Sorry but the OP did not choose. NPD's are extremely good at what they do and you can not criticize them ...ever. It is a mental condition that has serious repercussions when not handled by a professional. By the way, even trained professionals sometimes "miss" the clues. How could the OP know when professionals don't even know at times.... | |
|
| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/13/2009 8:20:14 PM | ForumsGee, Serenity said it best ... "stay out of it."
His ex is that for a reason, and you're done associating with him. Contacting her about his "issues" could open up a can of worms you could later regret. Chalk it up to experience and focus on moving on ... next time trusting your instincts and not ignoring red flags. | |
|
Bluez
|
Joined: 6/6/2009
Msg: 23 | |
| |
| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/13/2009 11:47:24 PM | Once you're off the radar screen of a narcissist, a true narcissist, you want to stay there.
You don't want to draw any attention to yourself WHAT SO EVER.
Narcissists take on a sort scorth Earth tactic when engaging in revenge over what he will MOST DEFINITELY perceive as an unjust and untrue assault on his pristine character.
He will want to get you back. If you were lucky enough to get rid of him and you want him to stay that way give him NO ATTENTION whatsoever, good or bad.
He might also just think your info to his new woman is a ploy to get him back. | |
|
| |
Home
login 
