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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part Deux
Posted: 7/3/2005 7:35:21 PM | As said in part one, this may seem slightly arrogant, but it has become apparent that some of you guys here have issues with what most of the rest of the world refers to as ‘not having the brains and common sense of a tree stump’. Now, we covered a few of the biggies and not so biggies in part one, the most important being the bit about not deciding that a woman you hardly know might want to have an unsolicited picture of the ‘ole flesh flute’ sent to them. I will say this again…they don’t. It’s not even a ‘well, would an exception to the rule be…’ kind of thing. There are no exceptions. I say this with alacrity and without the slightest hesitation. There has NEVER been a woman who has thought to herself after being on a dating site talking with someone, “hmmn, if only I’d asked to see a picture of his c*ck…damn, I always forget to do that”. They’ll ask, or they don’t want to see it. Period.
Okay, now that we’ve reviewed the salient points of Part One, we’re going to move into Part Deux (For those who don't know, it's French for 'you ignorant English ba$tard'). Now, obviously, some of these are going to rub you the wrong way a bit… But look, one of the biggest surprises I found was the standards for guys being ‘a catch’ has degraded to the following…
Smart= Can communicate in sentences.
Good looking= Has limbs and digits connected to the anatomically correct part of his body.
Independent= A job
Considerate= Can listen and respond to someone in a way that is reasonably close to the topic that was being discussed in the first place.
Now, I’m shocked this is the bar by which women are forced to measure men these days, but it’s certainly not something I’m complaining about…on the other hand, it’s not a difficult thing to hit at least three of the above mentioned traits and not p!ss off every woman out there. Trust me, the science of artificial insemination combined with the NASA-like engineered sex toys that are now available make a woman’s need for a man tenuous at best…
But if nothing else, consider reading this an opportunity to say “that a$$hole knows nothing about chicks…” and move on to your next message to a lovely young lady about all of the subtleties and emotional pitfalls that went into the local funny car competition this afternoon, because hey, THAT’S what chicks really want to hear about…
Or read along and maybe as with part one, some of the ladies here will offer some confirmation that might lead you to believe the next time you think about sending that message outlining exactly how many beers you and your buddies managed to shotgun last night, you’ll think twice and just ask her about her. Just a thought, mind you, just a thought.
Okay. Here’s the next installment of the rules. We’re not going to do a full ten as with part one, but we will be covering some important topics…so read carefully. Oh, and when I say ‘read’, I mean for those of you in the ‘literate’ segment of the online male population. I’m not sure what the other 80% of you should do at this point..maybe go surf porn?
1. Handling rejection. Now, I should have technically covered this in part one, and there were, I think, three women who mentioned it in the various follow-ups, but here goes. Do not send insulting, angry, and other ‘toddler having a hissy fit because he wasn’t allowed the toy he wanted’ messages to women when you don’t get the ‘I’m all yours, baby’ response you were looking for.
There are many reasons not to do this that involve pride, dignity and just a general sense of human decency, but we all know that will be about as effective an argument as suggesting you may NOT be god’s gift to the female species, so I’m not going to try that.
What I will do though is offer you a quick psychology lesson in why you’re doing this. Trust me, you don’t realize it (it’s called the unconscious, and no, that’s not just something that happens after you finish shotgunning all those beers) but this is how it works:
a) Emotional Transference. This happens when you are angry about something and you release that anger at someone or something unrelated to the source. Most common is the father who has a hard day at work because the boss is a jerk and goes home and yells at the wife and/or kids. In this case though, you’re angry because a woman showed what can best be described as good taste or ‘standards requiring men she’s interested in to have an intellect equal or higher to pond algae’. You’re angry about this, and you decide to call her a b!tch or a whore or a whatever six or seven other standard insults you’ve managed to build into your vocabulary over the past few decades. You don’t think she’s any of those things, of course, because had she shown any interest in you, she would be golden, in your mind. YOU tried to talk to HER, so it’s fairly simple to see through.
b) Confirm your mistaken beliefs about your superiority. Otherwise known as ‘no I do not have a small pen!s, she must be insane not to want me’ syndrome. This usually takes the form of ‘you don’t know what you’re missing’ in the message, although it would seem from what I’ve heard you then go and impress upon the person exactly how much they’re missing by acting like an absolute a$$hole. This, as an aside, is kind of like a doctor handing out business cards at his patient’s funeral. You see, you aren’t really convincing anyone of how much they’re missing while you rant and rave about what an incredibly stuck-up, stupid, trashy or (fill in the blank) she is for not seeing your true colours. She is seeing your true colours, that’s why she wants nothing to f*cking do with you. It’s not like she’s reading that and going ‘whoops…looks like I just let a real catch slip through my digital fingers’. She’s thinking, ‘well, that’s a lot of time and energy I just saved by NOT having to get the restraining order paper-work filled out.’
c) The ‘Your mother wears army boots’ strategy. Children or guys with an IQ approaching that of a newt will often employ this kind of communication strategy when faced with disappointment or upset. In the sandbox, the child will simply insult a child at random because they aren’t getting to play the way they want to. This is done because the child is not yet at an emotionally developed state where they understand the principle behind conflicting goals and the essential differences between different people. In other words, if the other children don’t want to do what they want to do, the other children are bad. With men on dating sites, this is done because the man is about as emotionally and intellectually developed as…no, you thought I was going to say ‘as the child’ right? No. It’s because the man is about as emotionally and intellectually developed as the sandbox. Guys, you may think that hurling insults is a good way to feel better about yourself or to punish said woman for not seeing you as you see yourself…but you would be the only person thinking that (and you would be wrong).
So, to review this brief psychology lesson, being politely rejected or even ignored is going to happen…but sending insults towards those who do so classify you as either a child or someone who is making up for a great deal of self-doubt and, very likely, a great number of issues of sexual inadequacy. That’s all…truth be told, if you want to impress a woman and show them what they’re possibly missing, sending a quick ‘Sorry to have bothered you, good luck and no hard feelings” will do MUCH more for making her think twice (actually that’s a lie, but if it convinces you enough to stop with the insulting messages, I’m willing to live with that).
2. Calling her a whore/slut/whatever due to her boob shot. Now, I have heard this from a few ladies, where because they put up a shot of their cleavage or chest, or their a$$ or whatever else, they end up receiving a number of messages from guys referring to them as cheap, easy, or some combination therein. Now, guys, if this is being done because you originally sent them a message saying “nice tits!” or ‘wanna f*ck?” or even a reasonably polite hello and were still rejected you need to either read the above rule number one or part one of the guide. However, if you’re just sending these messages with no prior interaction, this rule is for you.
Stop. I mean it. First off, it’s not a signal that they’re gonna bang every guy who comes knockin’ on their digital door. Trust me, if you’re a woman and you have what could be described as even a reasonably well-endowed chest area (which for 99% of guys means larger than walnuts) then they’re constantly inundated with men staring at them in the real world. Seriously, there are statistics that show more than 80% of women are relatively sure men believe a woman’s eyes are located on their nipples. It’s that bad. So you can hardly blame some for saying, “well, hell, this ought to get a few guys’ attention”. Women do this because they know for the most part men make Pavlov’s drooling dog look like a free thinker. Boobs. Drool. It’s automatonic in nature. So, cut them some slack and if you think that women should not use their sexuality as a tool to get ahead in this world, let them and I know when women are given the opportunity to get ahead on the basis of their abilities and with equal chances to vault past that glass ceiling…then maybe we’ll talk, okay?
3. Complaints about why “girls” don’t go for “nice guys” and instead are going for “jerks/a$$holes/whatever”. I’ve seen these posts a few times, and I’m going to do a quick translation of what we’re dealing with …okay?
Sentence posted: “Why do women always insist on going for jerks, instead of the nice guys who would treat them with the kind of respect they deserve…”
Translation: “Why won’t –some girl – go out with me? Why is she going out with another guy that I’m SURE is a big, fat, poopy loser that I hate…”
Now, I know and you know, fellas, a lot of women go for the dangerous type…the ones with the ‘edge’ and yes, they’re a bit silly for doing so. But that’s for the women’s guide and we’ll discuss that with them a bit later…for now, you guys just have to realize first off…it’s reality. Some gals will do that. And secondly? They’re probably not in this case. They’re probably going for someone they think is just lovely, thank you, and the issue is more the fact it’s not you. Get over it. Because, truly, it doesn’t sound like you’re a nice guy when you post those things…it sounds like, well, you’re just bitter.
Oh, and while we’re at it. Let’s be clear on the definitions, because while I’m sure YOU are a nice guy (you haven’t been sending any pictures of your d!ck and you’re not sending mean messages…right?) and I’m sure the guy in question she’s actually with is a TOTAL horror…be clear on the very subtle differences for women.
Nice guy: Generally treats women as he would men, with respect and values them for who they are and what they bring to the table…is himself, speaks up for what he feels is right, and listens. For those he is involved with romantically, basically is the same guy but is also great in the sack. If you’re good at oral, you just graduated from ‘nice’, to ‘oh, good lord, thank you’.
Door mat: Not the above. Might have had a spine at one time, no evidence of this though currently. Agrees with EVERYTHING the woman says. Asks to do EVERYTHING for the woman. Has about as much of his own self to offer, well, as anyone else, I suppose, but how could you tell, since it’s never shown. If you’re good at oral, you graduated from ‘door mat’ to ‘Oh, good lord, why did he have to be a door mat?’
4. Fake pictures. This is obviously an issue for both the gals and the guys, but fellas, here’s the thing. We generally don’t mind the fake pictures girls put up because they’re usually eye candy of the ‘won the genetic lottery’ sort. As our more guttural instincts take over, we can just sorta ‘enjoy the view’…women too, but understand they will NEVER meet you, or talk to you, or have anything to do with you if you’re putting up fake pictures (which means, you must put one up with you in a ‘normal’ situation, not in a suit, looking mysteriously off into the distance, with a photo quality that is OBVIOUSLY a bit more advanced than ‘point and click’…c’mon…) If you actually just want to offer up the social charity of ‘here’s a beautiful guy to stare at, enjoy’ and leave it at that, then fine, just don’t then try to contact anyone and see about getting a conversation going. And really quickly, because I personally don’t mind fake pictures and I think most people just consider them a good filter for people they don’t want to meet, some pointers.
You will never meet in person. If you do, through some odd chance where they didn’t realize it was a fake pictures (95% of the time, it’s pretty obvious), then the moment that the woman sees you, she will leave (likely running). You will not get a chance to win her over with your personality. Promise. If you think that you’re THAT ugly that someone else’s picture is necessary to break the ice and from which point your charm and personality shall win the day…you need to step away from the computer, walk to the mirror and say the following to your image: “No more communicating with people until I resolve my self-esteem issues, or find a drive-thru cosmetic surgery outlet.”
5. Just be friends. God, guys, are you serious? You actually believe they will buy “I just want to be friends”? Do YOU buy that? No, you don’t. What you want is an opportunity to have a degree of proximity so that, over time, you shall win her heart and you shall ride off into the sunset together. Seriously, I know you’ve convinced yourself that it’s not like that…but it is. She knows this, and it’s not going to work. When the guy keeps trying, and trying and then finally wins out in the end…it’s called a ‘Romantic Comedy’ and you only find examples of it in the theatre or Blockbuster Video store. In real life, it’s called stalking.
6. The laundry list of your attributes. First off…can we please recognize after you list more than, say, three or four, you’re not going to be sounding like much more than a bit of a braggart. Secondly, if you think you’re nice, and smart, and funny, and affectionate…you’ve just described every woman’s dream man. Why not throw in ‘super million bazillionaire’, ‘loves to clean house and cook’ and ‘Olympic level skills at oral sex” while you’re at it?
You’re NOT every woman’s dream man. So, you may think you’re all of those things, but likely, you’re not THAT smart…or maybe you overestimate the innate humour in fart jokes…I don’t know, but I do know that if every guy who claimed he was those four things actually was…well, the share price for every dating site company would make Microsoft look like a penny stock.
Also, the laundry list…guys. Please. Limit the numbers…I’ve seen everything from claims of Nobel prize worthy intellect to ‘particle physics is a hobby’ to ‘have been known to practice medicine in third world countries while on a layover from my carrier as a commercial airline pilot’. Um…ease up, fellas, it’s kinda hard to believe you’re THAT amazing. In the event you are, surprise ‘em with those things on the first date…
7. This is not a competition. You aren’t out to ‘win’ a gal. They’re not prizes, they don’t have a price on them and they’re not a trophy. This last rule came up in part one, and it bears mention. You see, many women like being pursued, as do men. But the ultimate choice in this, lies with the gal (so in other words, you could win the race, and she can chose the cute guy who came in fourth). Don’t do things you wouldn’t normally, don’t try THAT hard to ‘win’ over the young lady’s affections, for chr!ssakes, how do you think she’ll feel when she finds out you’re actually nothing like that and were doing it more to ‘win’ the ‘prize’ (typically, when women are made to be felt as though they’re a product to be bartered, traded and won, they have a slightly iffy response…if you insist on doing this, do not do so within kicking distance or without wearing a jock-strap and cup. You’ve been warned).
There, now those weren’t so bad, were they? Just little things, a suggestion here, a little bit of advice there, and it’s all good. Reviewing, briefly…don’t advertise yourself as a child when you get rejected, don’t complain about women who are using a suggestive picture to get a guy’s attention, don’t worry about why nice guys (you) aren’t getting this or that gal, fake pictures are fine if you never want to actually talk to someone on the site, you don’t just want to be friends…she knows this, careful with exactly how many ‘traits’ you feel it necessary to advertise your skills in and remember, you’re not after a trophy or a ribbon, you’re looking for someone who just gets you and you get them, which needs to happen without you busting your b*lls impressing here with things you aren’t.
Now, off you go, and play nice. I’m thinking the ladies have to have a guide done for them too, as an aside…because, for example, while I think it’s a nice sentiment, if I read “dance like no one’s watching” one more time, I’m gonna have a conniption. | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part Deux
Posted: 7/3/2005 7:53:37 PM | It's about time these sentiments were compiled and posted , Woodrow....
many thanks for taking on the challenge. Especially since you did so with such style, humor and panache.
bravo, bravo.
Let me also add , for those who will throw rejection induced hissy fits in email DESPITE this advice, that forum ladies talk. Most of us regulars know each other well, and when an azzhole shows himself as such....word gets out quickly. ;) | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part Deux
Posted: 7/3/2005 8:03:18 PM | Woodrow!!! For goodness sake, get off the computer and go on a date
Ok in truth, Brother, you deserve many after all your good work
:highfive | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part Deux
Posted: 7/3/2005 8:12:13 PM |
It's about time these sentiments were compiled and posted
^^^Agreed... The sad part is that someone actually NEEDED to post something like this.
Most of us regulars know each other well, and when an azzhole shows himself as such....word gets out quickly
^^^And it's just as bad that that this isn't common sense to some around here.
Stupid is, as stupid does... I guess.
H | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part Deux
Posted: 7/3/2005 9:08:21 PM | Your sarcasam skills eclipse mine. I am almost ashamed of my feeble efforts.
You sir, are my Yoda.
May I subscribe to your newsletter? | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part Deux
Posted: 7/3/2005 10:28:04 PM | Concise Woody......... covers all areas one can think of.......I just include below what ive posted before.....for those with too short an attention to read woody's post...this is something i reposted....every time those nice guy threads pop up.....
Greetings fishes....ive seen similar threads on this run so often....ive stored my previous post
for re -use (cut & paste) as we have new fishes joining the pond every day
TEN TIPS FOR THE NICE GUY
1.The definition nice varies from woman to woman
2.You may think you are a nice guy...she may not think youre the right guy
3.Actions not words are what you look for..ex if she says your nice..it doesnt mean shes into you...if she doenst call .or .contact you often..take a hint...move on.
4.She does not owe you an explanation as to why she rejects you.
5.Be nice by all means...but dont be boring..develop spontaniety and a sense of humor.
6.Enjoy your own company..if you cant do that ..dont expect others to enjoy your company
7.Rejection is part and parcel of life...ask any hardcore salesman..learn to accept it.
8. Have equal say in the relationship from the beginning ..(otherwise one party will start a similar thread....LOL)
9.Do activities that you enjoy with friends and family...dont center your life on her.
10.Accept that we will all part one day from friends,lovers,spouses because of choice ,circumstance and unavoidably death.
This concludes todays lesson on "From nice guy to wise guy"
I live by the above commandments and am a much saner and happier person for it..
Hope this helps a little - Best Regards to you all | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part Deux
Posted: 7/4/2005 4:57:03 AM | | Hey folks, just wanted to say thanks to the various responses and babylonia et al...would love to write a book but I think when your target audience for the subject matter are largely unable to read (and likely more busy fiddling with themselves and their web cams) I think that's a business case ready to tank... | |
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onyxx
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Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 16 | |
| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part Deux
Posted: 7/4/2005 5:42:50 AM | You've done it again!!! I didn't think it was possible to top Part I, but this is a masterpiece. When are you going to publish these valuable insights to the online dating experience? You are a brlliant man, Woody. Kudos to you for being smart enough to know what women want. | |
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sarahb
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Joined: 2/26/2005
Msg: 17 | |
| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part Deux
Posted: 7/4/2005 11:48:24 AM | "Let me also add , for those who will throw rejection induced hissy fits in email DESPITE this advice, that forum ladies talk. Most of us regulars know each other well, and when an azzhole shows himself as such....word gets out quickly. ;)"
Amen Pandy - ain't that the truth.......
Woody - too true - you write the book for neanderthals that can't read.... | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part Deux
Posted: 7/4/2005 11:50:43 AM | ^^^^^^Yes the great irony is that the only people will have the attention spans
to read the "bible" for online dating don't need too, we can just laugh at its musings
So ladies don't expect to see a drop in e-mails from complete ar$eholes. | |
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sarahb
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Joined: 2/26/2005
Msg: 19 | |
| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part Deux
Posted: 7/4/2005 1:16:47 PM | | oh i am sure most of us don't - while we appreciate woody and his attempt to educate the masses.....we certainly don't expect much..... | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part Deux
Posted: 7/4/2005 2:52:39 PM | And bless your hearts, ladies, you don't expect much at all...
As mentioned, given that men aren't required for procreation any more, and the last time I looked you could find sex toys that look as though they could bring off a f*cking manikin, I'm surprised you gals bother at all...
Not that I'm suggesting for an instant that I hope you do stop bothering...I'm just impressed ya don't, is all. | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part Deux
Posted: 7/4/2005 3:07:43 PM | I think its womens ability too see the good in almost everyone,
a delusion maybe, but sshhh, don't tell, that "Deluxe Rabbit" will
be out of the goody draw faster than you can zip up your pants - all
those men who send d1ck pics are who I'm talking about. 
Perhaps its this and a maternal extinct to care for... who knows but
its stopped us from becoming an exhibit in a natural history museum.
Orator:
"And here stands the last homosapien, or perhaps they were
a bit quick to change the species name from homoerectus"
"R.I.P." | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part Deux
Posted: 7/11/2005 10:13:22 PM | ok i nominate woodrow for pof advice columnist.. is there such a thing?
you have great style woodrow, can't wait to read more | |
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| Online Dating Guide for Men: Part Deux
Posted: 7/11/2005 10:33:52 PM | ‘not having the brains and common sense of a tree stump’
I just wish I got through the first paragraph before coming across "strike one"
*n scratches head*
(For those who don't know, it's French for 'you ignorant English ba$tard').
I lived with a Frenchman from Victoriaville while in Toronto; it really does mean that you know. We used to get loaded on CC and call eachother names. Politics...not good.
This guy was so upset by the difference between St Huberts quality here from that he knew in Quebec that he called head office...made his way to a very senior company man..and DEMANDED that they cease Ontario operations immediately. (but that's another story for another day)
*scratches head*
Does St. Huberts still operate in Ontario?
*shrugs*
I will read on.
*Gasp*
Smart= Can communicate in sentences.
Good looking= Has limbs and digits connected to the anatomically correct part of his body.
Independent= A job
Considerate= Can listen and respond to someone in a way that is reasonably close to the topic that was being discussed in the first place.
Did I just get on base!!!??
Trust me, the science of artificial insemination combined with the NASA-like engineered sex toys that are now available make a woman’s need for a man tenuous at best…
I hate that fu*kin rabbit by the way. I KNOW I KNOW: strike two. 
and move on to your next message to a lovely young lady about all of the subtleties and emotional pitfalls that went into the local funny car competition this afternoon, because hey, THAT’S what chicks really want to hear about…
Nope..I didn't swing at that. I'm still doing o.k.
maybe go surf porn?
*Really feels an urge to leave.*
(actually that’s a lie, but if it convinces you enough to stop with the insulting messages, I’m willing to live with that).
HA!! Woodrow gets strike one!!
(Ya I know; I did not leave)
(which for 99% of guys means larger than walnuts)
*n scratches head*
I think that I'm confused.
*shrugs n reads on*
“Why won’t –some girl – go out with me? Why is she going out with another guy that I’m SURE is a big, fat, poopy loser that I hate…”
heeheeheeheehee Well said.
If you’re good at oral, you just graduated from ‘nice’, to ‘oh, good lord, thank you’.
I just hit a home run dude.
I really talk alot.
What do you MEAN foul ball!!?
or find a drive-thru cosmetic surgery outlet.”
Try an old St Huberts?
if I read “dance like no one’s watching” one more time, I’m gonna have a conniption.
whew....look at that ball fly. | |
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| Wonderful suggetions Woodrow
Posted: 7/27/2005 4:19:51 AM | just wanted to say thanks for the great ideas... and hello to everyone who contributed to this.
this is my first post btw... | |
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