| Pondering
Posted: 6/15/2009 2:29:17 PM | Having not only not been on a date in over four years, I have also not even kissed a girl in that length of time.
This leaves me seriously thinking about the future of my romantic life and if indeed there is one.
Currently I am 22-years-old, I have a good job although granted I still live with my parents.
I am by no means an attractive or charming man, whenever I've approached girls in nightclubs or bars they have either ignored me or politely fobbed me off.
What I'm thinking is this: surely there must be guys out there who go through life alone? Sometimes I think this is me. Many people tell me I need to "get out there" I have no idea what this horribly cliched avice means and I'm, not sure they do either.
I have some female friends, one of them said I was attractive , however once I asked if we never knew each other and I approached her in a bar or a club or in some other scenario would she recipricate? She stayed strangely quiet, eventually mumbling "I wasn't her type".
I see my friends meet people, have flings, have relationships, fall in and out of love and I feel I am missing on one of the great experiences of being young.
Are there any other guys who can relate to this?
I know this is a horrific delve into self pity but I hope you'll entertain it. | |
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| Pondering
Posted: 6/15/2009 2:34:16 PM | Well link,
Everyone gets on the pity pot now and again. Don't forget to flush.
You come across as articulate and intelligent and quite perceptive about human nature. I would not start calling the kettle black just yet. I would join a cooking class, dance class, forensic science class, something to get your mind off of being so horribly alone.
We can never be alone. It simply cannot happen. Being separated from one another is an illusion. You are me and I am you. We are all one. Remember that. Peace to your heart. | |
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| Pondering
Posted: 6/15/2009 2:50:16 PM | | I can relate...but, you've just got to get out there, and don't be too choosy. | |
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| Pondering
Posted: 6/15/2009 3:38:37 PM | Guy, I can relate but a few pointers...
Self pity is a major turn off to women. I don't know much but that I do know.
22 is much too young to label yourself.
You have got to get out on our own.
You have to change your thinking. If you have character defects... try to fix them. This will give you focus and resolution.
Think positive. This is hard when times are tough (trust me... I know all about this...) but it can be done with practice and willpower. Positive people attract other positive people.
Maybe get some new clothes... a new hair style... try a new cologne...
Don't look for love so hard... it finds you. The harder you try to reach it... the more elusive it will be.
Think outside the box... there are a lot of wonderful women out there... it makes sense that your soul mate will not be easy to find.
And most importantly, remember do not let rejection and rude people get you down... Take it as a challenge...
I sincerely hope this helps a bit... | |
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| Pondering
Posted: 6/15/2009 4:00:02 PM | | I am not sure approaching women in a night club or a bar is a very good idea if you already think that your physicality is not your best feature. Anyone can have a nice body with hard work and you're still young. Takes faith and hard work, it is neither impossible nor unattainable. Many stores offer tips on how to dress yourself well so even if you think you are dressing yourself well, they still can give you tips to improve your appearance. few books on communication skills can show you what you are doing wrong. i suggest you start with good books and judge for yourself where you are going wrong. | |
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| Pondering
Posted: 6/15/2009 4:01:28 PM | When you say "by no means attractive or charming" do you mean average slob, or elephant man?
Depends entirely on how much you have to work with. I'd recommend you stop worrying about women, and focus on self-improvement. Hit a gym, enlist the aid of a helpful gay to review your wardrobe, pool your savings and start renting a bachelor pad. It's a good piece of advice I got from a friend, and hell, it seems to be working - turns out women fall head over heels for self-absorbed dudes. | |
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Posted: 6/15/2009 4:35:04 PM | | whats wrong with being single? | |
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Posted: 6/15/2009 4:41:30 PM | | why dont you post a pic on here.. put urself out there... if it doesnt go well.. you can at least say youtried.. i get alot of rude comments on my looks.. but those are just from rude shallow people who have to put others down to boost theyre own self esteem... i hope hehe | |
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| Pondering
Posted: 6/15/2009 4:43:19 PM | The literature I've read explains that women generally look for traits that only a small percentage of men have. Put another way, when women complain there are so few good men, who are hard to find, they are right, considering what they consider to be a good man. It doesn't mean the rest of men are bad men, it just means that lacking the particular traits women want, most men are unsuitable for a relationship. The good they do have is not wanted. It's good for being a person, just not for snapping the socks of the women whose socks want snapping.
Your choices if you are a man who lacks the desired traits are: Get into a relationship that is based on the woman mistaking you for the man she really wants, or, stay single. Staying single can include a prolonged effort to find a woman until you eventually give up.
While you may not be that man the women want, women also want men as they are now and then for purposes more momentary and less grand than the ideal relationship. Muddling through can be fun, catch as catch can.
It's s small step and one I do not recommend, from pondering to pandering. And, never mind plundering; that will get you all kinds of trouble. | |
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Posted: 6/15/2009 4:45:48 PM | | look around at all the couples you see and notice that many or most are not overly attractive and yet they managed to find partners...why? consider becoming more active in doing something that will build your self-esteem and take pride in your appearance and try to learn how to accentuate the positive. | |
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Posted: 6/15/2009 5:08:23 PM | | Well buddy its not all about looks I have seen gorgeous women with some of the ugliest men I have seen in my life...You gotta have confidence kid or you will be alone cause women don't want a depressed self hating person...Trust me I was just like that till I got on here and found out that I was worth much more then I lead myself to believe...Ya I maybe different from most guys because I do have tattoo's piercings and long hair but you know what I dont sweat the small stuff..Because if I dress differently to impress someone then that means im lying to myself and her...That would only lead to more pain in the end because you have attracted the wrong type of person for you..Then you will end up upset because you done such a thing...Just keep your head up kid and your heart strong there is somebody for everybody out there..You just gotta keep up confidence in yourself that you are worth alot more then what you think.. | |
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Posted: 6/15/2009 5:42:19 PM |
Currently I am 22-years-old, I have a good job although granted I still live with my parents.
Why are you still living with your parents? I moved out when I was 17, and it didn't come a day too soon. Part of growing up and dating as an adult involves having your own place. Look into it!
I am by no means an attractive or charming man.
That is based on your self-perception and your choices. Others will see you the way you see yourself. The way out of that trap is to work on bettering a couple of specific things about yourself. You may want to start with dressing better, for example. Or develop a new hobby which will put you in touch with new friends. That's always a start. Don't try to change wholesale overnight....just one or two concrete things at a time.
I feel I am missing on one of the great experiences of being young.
I have a friend who was telling me something similar not too long ago. Stop looking for the "great experience". Notions like that are phony. People who focus overmuch on achieving peaks and who look for great experiences in life often end up missing out on everything. Life is about creating your reality from the ground up----- i. e., a large amount of mundane, common activities which add up over time to great experiences. You have to work for those peaks in life---you don't bypass the common and the ordinary to get to the peaks. Frankly, it sounds like you're buying too much into a certain image as to how to date and initiate relationships---approaching women in bars and nightclubs is overrated. Try approaching a single girl from your neighborhood or someone from the site here to meet for coffee. Just work on having good conversations on a regular basis with potential dates.
Once you get your own place, and once you develop some fun hobbies which you enjoy, you'll be able to invite a woman along to share in your interests. You can share hers, as well. A first step, though, is to have ordinary, common conversations with women you're interested in on a regular basis. Stop looking for the great experience.  It won't exist as long as you're looking for it. Talk to women in ordinary settings and enjoy their company in ordinary ways. Your confidence and success-rate will grow slowly over time. | |
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Posted: 6/15/2009 9:16:46 PM | When I was 22, I thought, as I'd always thought up until that point, that I would always be single. I couldn't imagine finding a boyfriend. Partly it was because I thought I was far too awkward (still am extremely awkward!), partly it was because no-one was remotely on my wavelength and partly it was because I just accepted that I was utterly unlovable (silly me).
I just expected that I'd always be alone. Unlike you, I'd not even had a single date or ever kissed. I felt like there was everything wrong with me -- a self-perception ingrained over years of bullying at school.
Then I met someone, when I was still 22. I thought I was just having a little unrequited hero-worshippy crush and all of a sudden he made it really clear he liked me back. Wow was that ever confusing. I've never been so confused in my life ever as in that wholly unexpected first relationship.
You don't know what will happen next in your life -- you don't know who you will meet. Not having met anyone by 22 means nothing. You should take care on the labels you apply to yourself: you may be quite wrong.
Charm can take many forms and it doesn't have to involve being James Bond-like. Men's attractiveness has little to do with looks and a lot to do with attitude. "Getting out there" means giving yourself the opportunity to meet people. I would avoid clubs and bars and choose venues where you stand a chance to meet someone less likely to stamp all over your heart -- try voluntary work: that tends to attract kind and unselfish types. You should believe that you are worth loving -- you have a lot of love to offer and this alone makes you worthy of love. Charm is something you can develop in your own style -- listen to people and be smiley and positive and you will find that you can be pretty damn charming too.
The attitude that says "I think I'm crap, please approve of me!" is something very dangerous: it can lead you into an emotionally abusive relationship if it doesn't simply turn everyone off. People like to feel special -- there is nothing special about being the girlfriend of someone who is absolutely desperate and will go with anyone who will tolerate him. Don't be so hard on yourself: you do have a lot to offer; but do think on how you're behaviour towards others places them in a certain role towards you and decide whether you really want the people around you to be playing the dominant roles that they currently are. This is your life and you are in the starring role, determining where everything goes: don't get dragged along in the undertow of what other people present to you as being 'normal'. | |
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pgem
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Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 14 | |
| Pondering
Posted: 6/15/2009 9:36:58 PM | I have seen the biggest girls walk out of a bar with a guy. When they walked in a room their heads were held high and they made eye contact with every male. Keep telling your self that you look good. CONFIDENCE is what you need.
Make changes for your self not others. No woman is the same some of us like**** men, dorky men, strong men, fat men or what ever. Their is somebody for you. Start going to places that have to do with your hobbies. Low selfesteem shows in your eyes and facial expressions. | |
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Posted: 6/15/2009 9:40:49 PM | Do you work out at all?
Exercise and building muscles does wonders for you ego.
Do you have a hobby? My neice met her future husband playing coed volleyball. They started out as just friends.
Do you read, keep up on current crap?
Most men aren't born charming, it's a skill you learn. I'm sure you could find some books for men in your local library or bookstore. | |
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Posted: 6/15/2009 9:57:19 PM | Ponder....still pondering?????????????????? Dude, your 22 years old...stop pondering about dating and get out there and start asking girls out. Try other venues to meet girls such as through friends, take classes where girls are, start a new hobby, try the internet oh, oh, oh, see if some of your female friends have friends they could set you up with. That is what the "horribly cliched avice" means.  | |
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| Pondering
Posted: 6/16/2009 6:15:26 AM | | i've got a solution for you and it lies firmly within the realm of "enlightened self interest". so to hell with getting a date! first of all, you "can't" get one, as you say. secondly, it's a fundamental error to make your sense of happiness & fulfillment contingent upon others. third, nightclubs & bars are meat markets. fourth, if you really want to have a fling (and hey they only seem like fun at the time and/or when other people are having them), things get tacky if you will have to bring her home to your parents' house. so worry less about the stuff you can't control and start focusing on the stuff you can. grow some self confidence, further your education, polish your interpersonal skills, etc. etc. you are young and your habits aren't set in concrete like so many of us over the age of 30 ;) you basically have your whole life ahead of you. believe it or not, "attractive" and "charming" are social skills that can be learned. your negativity and floating gloomies are all that's holding you back. | |
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Posted: 6/16/2009 6:20:43 AM | | Hell, I never thought I would live to see 30(knock on wood.) Maybe you should get some counseling because I think your problems go deeper than just romance... | |
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Posted: 6/16/2009 8:19:10 AM | | Good grief, what kind of profile is that. blah, blah, blah, ad nauseum. Come on, man, wake up and smell the coffee, get a decent picture of yourself and post something coherent on your profile. It starts and ends with YOU and your attitude which at the moment needs a major adjustment. Good luck. | |
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| Pondering
Posted: 6/16/2009 11:44:55 AM | Thanks for the responses guys.
I use to have a better profile and pic on here but gave up after about a year and no dates! Messaged a lot of girls, tied changing my tact on several occasions but sadly very few responses and the ones I did get were quite short and basiclly thanks but no thanks.
One of the other problems I have is that all my friends are a lot better looking than me. Taller, slimmer with more promiment facial features.
I am 5'9, hairy, kindof husky and going bald.
So obviously if I'm out and about anywhere girl's eyes are obviously drawn to them, and I don't blame them.
Sorry again I know I'm whinging quite a bit and thanks to whoever can be bothered to read this and reply  | |
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| Pondering
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:14:54 PM | | For goodness sake you're not Quasi Moto or a werewolf. Stop comparing yourself to your friends, I know, it's only natural. Maybe try going out on your own for a change. Hey, 5'9", hairy, kindof husky and going bald doesn't sound too bad! But being down on yourself doesn't help you one bit. | |
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Posted: 6/16/2009 12:37:35 PM | | I'm done with the whole thing I think, I was just wondering if any other guys have had the same experience? | |
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Posted: 6/16/2009 2:35:32 PM | You can't enjoy life unless you step into the world and see for yourself. Add some pictures to your site and fill out your profile and see what happens. Isn't it what's inside that matters?
Oh....Yes, those single guys who are meant to be alone are called "monks & priests". | |
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| Pondering
Posted: 6/16/2009 6:29:50 PM | I just got out of a six year relationship, and feel as if I'm meant to be alone, If I do find the person out there for me, it'll turn out to be another guy. Do these things sound familiar? WAKE UP!!! This is self pity, It took me a while and several friends telling me different to believe it but it does no good. I understand your feelings, I really do, but you're defeating yourself. Yes it's frustrating to see everyone else with someone, but it's not like going to the store to get a pop, you have to believe that you're worth having. Did you ever watch Home Improvment with Tim Allen? There was an episode where Tim was talking with Wilson, wilson Told Tim that "if you hold yourself in small value, no one will raise your price." Translation; If you don't see yourself as worth having, nobody else will. Grow some self confidence, take an honest stock of yourself, and go meet some new people. | |
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Posted: 6/17/2009 12:52:03 AM | I know this is self pity and I'm sorry I know it's pretty annoying.... I can't really talk about it with my friends though so I figure "why not subject some random strangers ont he internet to it"
I know people say it's about self confidence but right now I have none and I find it really difficult to build up. Part of me is thinking about getting some professional help on the matter. | |
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