| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 1:32:44 PM | As you all read this, please understand that I blame myself for screwing up, but I don't want this to happen to me in another relationship, so if someone would be so kind as to tell me exactly where I went wrong, I would appreciate it.
I met a guy on this site who in his profile stated that he lived one day at a time. After six months I found out how true this was, but I had fallen madly in love with him, as he had so many other great qualities I have never experienced with anyone else in my 30+ years of dating, LTRs, or even marriage. I just wanted to simply BE with him - it didn't matter what we were doing. It's just that, I never knew when we would be together. He truly does live one day at a time. He explained that he lives by the philosophy that "we may not be here tomorrow."
I told him at that point that I needed some plans once in awhile. He said I knew how he was when I met him and that was it. I tried breaking it off. After several days he seemed frantic to get back together and I of course was too, so just being grateful to have each other back, the same pattern of no concrete plans to see each other ensued.
Three months later, the situation had gotten worse. Now we would have plans, but something else would come up (for instance, the promise from his kids that they would come visit) and boom, plans cancelled for us. Then the kids coming would fall through and he would be free; unfortunately I had made other arrangements. I told him I needed to know that when we have plans that they are kept; that I feel dismissed, ignored and disappointed every time I feel "blown off." He told me in so many words that the choice between me and his kids would be a "real easy" one, if that is what I was asking of him. Does it sound like I was asking that of him?
Should I have kept my mouth shut knowing how he is, or stopped dating him from the beginning? What mistakes did I make? I'm hurting like hell, but somehow feel I did the right thing by breaking up for good this time. | |
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| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 1:45:13 PM | It sounds like he wanted to create the agenda and you didn't have much say in it.
I personally don't have lopsided relationships. The mistake you made was picking him. Find someone else that's a little more close to normal. It's fine to have your philosphies but when they turn you into an inconsiderate a$$hole it's time to hit the door. | |
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| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 1:48:19 PM | This sounds very much like someone I once knew, just with some minor differences. I believe his statement that he likes to 'live one day at a time' was his way of saying he did not want a committed, long-term relationship - to him if it lasted a day, fine; if it lasted a week, fine; if it lasted a year, fine; but basically he just really didn't care. I think his remark about a choice between you and the kids would be an easy one was him being defensive. He knew he didn't want a commitment, you were making it clear that you had started to want that, and he used whatever he could find to justify to himself an end of the relationship.
A weak, unstable person will not be able to say "I think we have different wants or expectations", so they will hear anything that you say and turn it into something entirely different that will then justify things to them. He can now sit there and convince himself that you gave him a choice between you and his kids, so to him - the problem was you. If he didn't do that then he would be forced to admit that there might be a problem with him since he doesn't want a real relationship. I do believe there ARE valid times when people do not want a relationship & that not wanting one does not automatically indicate they have a problem. However, when that is the case, they are mature and respectful about it - not childish by tracking to make it your fault somehow. | |
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| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 1:57:42 PM | Saying "I want to live one day at a time" absolutely means "I don't want to commit to a relationship right now." I've used that line myself :)
He told you that and you still expected him to be different. Why?
You want committal, he doesn't. It won't work. End it and move on. | |
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| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 1:59:52 PM | It sounds like this may have been an issue for him in past relationships and that is why he is inflexible on this topic; or, he truly lives this way and is still inflexible regarding planning things and prioritizing those plans once made. Either way, it clearly doesn't work for you, and now you feel like you are the second fiddle when his priorities arise when you were already involved in time together.
Find someone who appreciates you for who you are and who appreciates you prioritizing the relationship. I say this because this issue will continue to fester, due to his inflexiblity and lack of concern for how it truly affects your relationship, and will snowball other issues, etc. It is important not to be made to feel 'less than important' with your SO. It sounds like it's his way or the highway. | |
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| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 2:01:42 PM | | Okay, so you've used that line, didn't want to commit, then frantically tried to get the woman back when she said it wasn't working for her? I don't understand that behavior either. Why wouldn't you/he just stay away the first time? I'm not out to change anyone, I was just going to let it go when I felt it wasn't working for me after the six month mark. | |
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| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 2:06:19 PM | Well ...Insert, that is a fair old chunk of text you have there, so let me see if I've fully grasped it.
- You hooked up with a guy.
- Found out he lived his life a way manner not harmonious with yours.
- Told him (good on you for that)
- Broke up with him (fair play)
- Got back together.
- Things didn't change (surprise, surprise!)
- Ended it.
What did you do wrong? ...Really did you need to go back for seconds? If you did (by the sounds of it you did), then nothing, just time move on.
It does sound like you had a choice between doing it his way or not at all, fine if his way works for you ...sounds like it didn't – right choice, there! | |
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| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 2:08:01 PM | | what confuses me is what part of one day at a time is not understood?, and yes it sounds like you were asking of him to do exactly that. he is not responsible for your lack of understanding. especially when he made it clear he lives one day at a time. quick example if you were going shopping and i said oh great can you bring me back bananas, why would you bring back apples. | |
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| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 2:08:22 PM | It didn't mean I didn't like the girl and wanted to end things. It just meant that I wasn't sure if I wanted to be 100% committed to that person (or anyone) at the time. If things got bad, I would do what I could to salvage the situation because I liked what we had. I knew she wanted more out of me emotionally, but I didn't feel like I could give her that at the time (actually this is kind of a recurring thing with me in relationships.. I don't know why). So I wanted to keep things loose and, hopefully, in time, I could let that guard down.
Unfortunately, they always get tired of waiting.
Glad this is going to show up on my profile lol. | |
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| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 2:08:49 PM | I think you didn't do anything wrong. Possibly, you missed the meaning of his "living one day at a time" thing which was as you know non-negotiable. When you asked for clarifications on what excatly does it mean he gave you something dark and sophisticated like "there may be no tomorrow" and you went with it. But it aslo had other meanigns "I chose to not make any commitments whatsoever cause a better deal might always come along." which you didn't know about at the time. You didn't do anything wrong.
I know you wish there was a different outcome. OK, let's imagine for a second you keept your mouth shut. Then he'd keep doing what he was doing - cancelling on you, putting other people first and whatnot.
It seems to me that you didnt' put yourself first at the very beginning on this relationship. You put him first without even knowing him. Then yourself. That's why you're hurting so much - cause it feels like you betrayed yourself. You agreed to non-agreable. Now forgive yourself and promise yourself to take good care of you. Like ChillPill said, you will find someone more close to normal. | |
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| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 2:11:16 PM | The mistake you made was in feeling put down by his approach to planning. He wants to be able to cancel plans if something comes up. He is OK with making plans, just as long as when the time comes he can opt out of there is something else higher up the list. You're making that about yourself, and taking it personally. You have a right to do what you want. But it might well be that he doesn't rate you less when he begs off at the last minute. It could be he rates you plenty high and doesn't consider how the plans go to be related to his feelings for you. It sounds like one of the ways you want him to prove his love is by sticking to plans no matter what. If so, what is it about him doing that? How does his willingness to follow through with planned activities make you feel important to him, and what about his changing plans makes you feel unimportant?
If he loved me, then he would: ________________.
When he does ____________, I feel unloved.
I'm having flashbacks to couple's counseling.
Ask for whatever you want whenever you want to. When you interpret someone's reply to your request, beware of substituting your meaning for their intent.
The obvious issue is disappointment at not being able to do something you were looking forward to. That sucks.
The underlying issue is what you think it says about how he feels about you, and how it differs from the ideal of a relationship you use to rate what happens.
People in this situation usually will argue about what is right and who should do what, about the obvious issue. Should people make plans, and stick to them?
Then when feelings get hurt, they argue about the feelings as if the other person had intended to cause the feeling. You don't love me or you wouldn't have done that. You made me feel bad.
It's also possible to step back, find out what is happening in yourself in between the event and your reaction to it, and compare that to your relationship priorities. Conflicts like this start and can end with two opposing positions. Resolving conflicts takes breaking down the two positions into their basic elements to find what is really meaningful to each person, and then dealing with that directly, to negotiate a solution that meets both needs. For example, how can he retain his schedule flexibility while you still have your emotional needs met? Is there some way to handle plans flexibly that would let you feel good? Or, is there some way he can stick to the plans and still cover whatever else that would leave open? Maybe he can find a babysitter for last-minute calls, so that is his kid(s) need something all of the sudden, he can make arrangements to have their need met without providing for it directly.
Love can happen between people who are just too different to make it work out. And, sometimes people end relationships that could be good, only because they lack the conflict resolution skills to make suitable arrangements that make everyone happy. | |
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| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 2:12:42 PM | Why should your plans of been cancelled because the kids arrived, maybe adjusted to suit but not cancelled. It says a lot about his attitude, he seemed to take you as a gap filler when nothing better was on.
If the relationship was moving on so well, should you not played a more important part in his life.
Think you did right to move on. | |
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| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 3:34:42 PM | | Never allow someone to treat you like an option when you should be treated as a priority. It sounds to me that this guy has you sitting on a shelf and takes you down to play only when he has nothing better to do. YOU have the power to stop this !!! | |
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| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 4:12:01 PM | Hi......
Sorry to hear of your situation and appreciate you sharing.....
One thing you have learned is your healthy enough to love someone....some people are just unable to do that... I do not feel you have done anything wrong -so quit blaming yourself and give your head a shake. Sadly, you met someone that you had great chemistry with except he wasn't ready to settle down....simple yes, but it hurts too.....
So young lady it could be time for you to put your body in motion......join a gym.....get walking, join a group, keep your mind busy...be the best you can be...and over time you are going to be better and stronger person for it.....
When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship? This question is just out of hurt....one must get real....a good solid healthy relationship should have reciprocated positive communication -and one does discuss dreams, fantasies, and hopes for the future with that special someone.....
It might be best to move on and when you are ready find a mate that has some commonalities for a partnership that is long term........etc..... Now that you have this one dayer out of the way you might find that lifer in the deeper end of the pool.......
Wishing you the very best.....
O:) | |
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| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 5:35:18 PM | | It doesn't sound like he cares for you much. He might want to be with you, for his own selfish reasons, but he is not paying attention to your feelings at all. In fact, he is threatening you when you say what matters to you. It doesn't sound to me like you are asking him to choose between his children and you, so treating you as if you are is uncalled for. He just wants to run things and have you dance when he wants you to. He sounds very controlling. I think his 'living for the day' philosphy is very convenient for him as it means he has no obligations to you at all. One day you are going to be so glad you saw through this shallow man. Sorry you are hurting now though. | |
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| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 5:37:22 PM |
Does it sound like I was asking that of him?
It sounds like you want control and consistency, and he wants as little responsibility as possible.
Should I have kept my mouth shut knowing how he is, or stopped dating him from the beginning?
Depends. Did you enjoy the relationship up to this point? The guy will stay with you, you just have to assume responsibility for everything...which means make yourself available at his whim without complaint. He may compensate you with a fulfilled plan now and again.
What mistakes did I make?
Forgetting you have a brain for a reason. Forgetting that emotions aren't motives, they're reactions.
I'm hurting like hell, but somehow feel I did the right thing by breaking up for good this time.
Good. As long as you feel you're in the right you'll get back to normal. | |
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| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 5:45:28 PM | Guys....people in general, are free to operate however they want to in life.....and live one day at a time, if that's how they feel....to live on the edge, if that's how they feel.
Now, if they get into a relationship, and still roll as if they are on their own, then they are the ones that, in effect, are saying..."This is how I am..take it or leave it"
At that point, it is your choice......if it works for you...you'll take it
If you are feeling you want more...then, hey, you want more.
Bottom line, it's a sign of immaturity and inflexibility....it doesn't matter what you were, or are asking him to consider.
Should you have kept your mouth shut? I can't answer that. But, generally speaking, if you sit on your thoughts, sit on your feelings, sit on your mouth, it's gonna leak out in other ways....and, more often than not...they are ugly ways.
He gave you his rules.
but....
It's YOUR choice what to do with your life and your feelings.
regards
Kimbo*********************************** | |
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| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 5:57:01 PM | | You were dating a child, not an adult. Even school children can plan something like, oh, going to a party or to go get some ice cream. His excuses for not even being able to commit to basic dates like dinner shows how self-absorbed he is. Obviously he didn't care about your plans, or anyone else's it sounds like. Oh, the kids got better scheduling priority. Ha ha ha. Tell him if he wants to be with you he had better abandon that stupid philosophy and make some commitments. I'm sure his work doesn't sign up for that Devil May Care crap. | |
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| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 6:00:41 PM | We all made mistakes in life,correct the mistakes by turning your back on him before its too late.
You thought you would change his views that's why you took a risk,but til this time he still doing his "one day at a time" life.That means he wont change or probably he would but youre NOT that person.Youre not that strong enough for him to break his walls.
What's the use of having good qualities if he missed one thing.....the one you need most ....commitment.
dont let your emotions rule over you...use your head.
You dont need this kind of a set-up,do you? | |
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| When should you not ask for what you want in a relationship?
Posted: 6/16/2009 6:04:46 PM | You did what the majority of women do...try to change a guy like he's a project.
Just because the guy may be with you doesn't mean he is going to change to adjust to you. He is who he is, don't try to change him. Find someone you feel you don't have to change.
You knew how he lived and who he was, if you didn't like it LEAVE. It's that simple. I don't understand the woman mindset. They see a guy for who he is and what "flaws" they have but they think they can change that.
This is why I have it stated in my profile "I will not change... this is me til death." Because I know how women are...and if you say you aren't, you're lying. I've never seen a woman not try to change a man once he's with him. | |
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