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Posted: 6/16/2009 3:56:06 PM | | I had what I thought was an amazing fiancee, we got along great but we fought hard too. I believe she was a narcisist, everything was always my fault. People at work treat her like sh#t, my fault. Her asthma comes back real bad after we get cat. ( her idea) my fault. She had no dental coverage, when she needed a root canal and couldnt afford, my fault. I found her a clinic to go to,my fualt again for not just making her appointment. When it came to our living situation, again my fualt for not being " a man" an putting a roof her head. More to the point it was for me not going out on my own and finding a place and paying for everything while she gave her mom money for a huge house that we couldnt live in. She basically wanted to get married but could not contribute financially because " her mom and her family will always come firts" She would make comments about how she was the most giving person in the world, and how all she did was take care of everyone first then herself. She would go out to lunch with her friends, get mad at me because hanging out in a bar for 5 hours talking shit about people I dont know wasnt fun for me. She would come home an pass out. Her best friend came to town for a few houts, I was sick, vomiting everywere. I told my fiancee I cant eat, barely move but after your meal I'll come out an meet you at starbucks an say Hi. Again, I m the biggest POS ever, and by saying Ill meet you somewhere else I was making it all about me. We had a huge fight, she books a flight to New york, doesnt tell me an then says she needs to do this for her, she'll come back feeling better and it would be better for us, she goes, has fights with all her friends, leaves early cause she cant deal and loses those friends. Again, its all their fault for treating her with no respect. Lets just say her mom was no peach. That woman was never happy unless my lips were permantley glued to her ass. Half our fights ended with my mom feels this way or my mom feels that way. I admit these things, I didnt work because I didnt have to, stock options. My finiancial situation never impacted anything we did. she had no credit, collection accounts, no benefits. Because she gave almost all her money to her mom. ( her mom, huge house, 825 credit, mercedes, benefits,brother didnt work) I had a condo in bay area that she didnt like and didnt want to live away from her family and friends, so I moved up to Sacramento area. She crucified me a bunch of times, took her ring off and threw it at me a few times. I could never make a commitment to living together or to marry her because of the way she acted, I had to many reservations with her inability to hear what I had to say or let me express my feelings. I still cant think of one positive thing to say I got from her, when we were good she was fun but when it was bad she would call me tell me she hates me, hopes i die, etc. Her and I had a very good thing until we got engaged then it went to shit. I wont say I dont still love her, but I dont know what I love about her. She tried to hurt me in the end, she would tell me she wished she was pregnant and she hopes I ll kill myself on dirtbike, now its Im cheating on you an says she got pregnant when we were broken up. Dont know if its true, not sure if I care. I know i gave more of myself than she did an that kills me. There was times I wanted to walk away an didn't for reasons ranging from I thought she would change to the first year is hard , to shes having hard time, or its' my fault. I admit theres things I could have looked the other way on or done differently, but would it have been the right thing in the end? Im just not sure how I should feel about the whole situation. Any thoughts or advice either positive or negative would be helpfull. Thanks everyone | |
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Posted: 6/16/2009 4:27:38 PM | Your desire to look good and feel good isn't being disguised by your attempt at focusing on her. You talk about her as though you truly know her.
Then you 'fight' to get her to do your will rather than accept her as she is for who she is.
Why would you 'fight' with anyone?
If she would not allow you to be your self, your better off without her.
If you can't accept her as she is, she's better off without you.
I hope you learn that you can't argue someone into loving you and you can't earn love by doing the right things. Love is a being - and you weren't being loving.
Rather than focus on her, try and fix your self.
ps, Thinking and feeling are different things. When a person says they're unsure of how they should feel, something is fundamentally wrong. Your feelings should come naturally. Think about it. | |
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Posted: 6/16/2009 4:37:56 PM | | Thank you repair-guy. I think I accepted a lot of things about her, but when it came to things that affected US i had to say something. Her drinking was every nite, she would come home an call an talk shit to me when she was pissed. Do you think it's wrong of me to expect certain things from a partner, when it comes to marriage. Shouldnt she make a choice to build a life with me not me build life for her to tag along. Maybe Im all ****ed up here but I appreciate your candor. I am working on myself as well, I did lose some of who I was with her and thats my fault. | |
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Posted: 6/17/2009 7:49:16 AM | OP, the behavior you describe sounds like the traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), not narcisissism. In particular, her refusal to accept responsibility for any mistakes, the meaness, and the push-you-away and pull-you-back behavior are hallmarks of BPD-type behavior.
If you would like to learn more about BPD relationships -- and why you should avoid one -- I suggest you start with a short article at bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm. It is the best concise description of what a toxic relationship is like with a person suffering from high functioning BPD. Other good websites are BPDCentral.com and BPD411.org.
You state that your ex (like her mother) is unhappy. If she is a BPD sufferer, she has been very unhappy since early childhood, at which time the disorder was already fully formed. Unless she recognizes she has the disorder and undertakes several years of intense therapy (a very unlikely scenario), she will remain unhappy for the rest of her life. You cannot fix her or make her happy. If you try, she will forever resent you for failing to do the impossible. As you have already seen a hundred times, she blames all her shortcomings and mistakes on you. | |
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Posted: 6/17/2009 8:02:22 AM | | ^^^^^^^^^^^^And are you a licensed psychiatrist to be making this kind of diagnosis? Why do people think that because they read up on a topic they are an expert? | |
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Posted: 6/17/2009 9:11:53 AM | | Do you have an ENTER key on your keyboard? Using it would help to organize your THOUGHTS better, that's my thought ;) | |
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Posted: 6/17/2009 10:39:07 AM | Mate...you're not a nice guy...you're a door mat
This b!tch has been taking the piss out of you for years. Get up off your sorry ass, you're better than this.
The only reason you think the shit times were good is because your base reference for a good time is crap.
Get yourself sorted, get a profile review, get a hair cut and some new clothes, get some mates and go to a lap dancing club or something. If you think you will come last…guess where you will be. Show her you’re better than this and do it IN spite not To spite.
Good luck | |
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Posted: 6/17/2009 11:26:19 AM | OP,
You are a mess dude. I gave up counting the number of "my faults" after 5 of 'em. I'm sure there are more in there.
Andyaa got it on the first guess...you ARE a doormat nice guy.
First...get away from this disaster as fast as you can. No contact to or from her or any of her family. Search for the thread labeled "So you want a second chance" in the broken hearts forum. The title is misleading...it's a great guide to healing up.
Next...get yourself a couple of books. "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover should be required reading for you. The other one I've found helpful was "Anxious to Please" by Rapson. Both are available for under $10 on Amazon.
Oh...and try to use the return key every once in a while. My eyes hurt at the end of that paragraph.
Paul ;) | |
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Posted: 6/17/2009 12:53:32 PM | Thanks guys, yes I know Im still a mess but I acknowledge that. I did read up on BPD and all of the factors that contribute to it. She has almost all those traits that were listed. Even from the early childhood ones. including the gambling the drinking an sexual abuse as a child. Most of the problems or fights came about as a result of her drinking and feelings of abandonment. Christ guys, this is a woman who wouldnt save money with me but instead saved for the day her husband leaves her! She planned for it to end before it started. She does have issues and I want to email her the article on BPD but I dont think I should. She put me thru hell and I think I should let her fight her own demons. I really appreciate the insight guys.
Thank you very much. | |
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Posted: 6/17/2009 2:49:21 PM | ForumJunkie states that I should not be diagnosising the OP's ex as suffering from BPD unless I am a licensed psychiatrist. I agree. The issue, however, is not how to diagnose or treat his ex. That is the province of trained professionals. Rather, the issue is whether the OP and most forum readers are sufficiently intelligent that, once they learn to identify the behavioral characteristics of BPD, they will be able to identify a strong pattern of it when it occurs. I believe they are. You don't have to be a fireman -- trained in putting out all types of fires -- to learn it is unsafe to run into burning buildings. Like smoke and flames, the behavioral characteristics of BPD are warning signs that should not be ignored.
I believe that even ForumJumkie would agree that, in order to decide whether someone is too selfish to be good marriage material, you don't have to be a therapist trained to determine whether that selfishness rises to the level warranting a clinical diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Similarly, once you understand how to identify BPD traits, you can decide whether someone exhibits them too strongly to be good marriage material. You don't have to determine -- and, indeed, will not be able to determine -- whether those traits are so strong as to warrant a clinical diagnosis of BPD. | |
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