| Walking away verses "closure"
Posted: 6/16/2009 8:06:40 PM | Why do you hear the words " I need closure"? And feel the burning need to get answers to questions that are really only someone elses perception of the problem.
Why is it when a relationship ends, one person keeps clinging and demanding answers, when the smartest response would be to just walk away with their head held as high as you can?
Isn't demanding answers from the other part only a way to keep a line open to be in contact, even if it is detrimental to a person moving on, with lessons learned? | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 8:11:39 PM | I think it depends on the situation. If two people break up after a long term relationship, one in which there are deep seeded feelings and emotions, closure is more important in the healing stage.
In a shorter, young relationship, it would probably be best to just cut your losses and move on, as there is not near the emotional investment. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 8:12:15 PM | | I thought once it was over, that was the closure. I've never wanted closure for any reason. It's over. 'Nuff said. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 8:12:24 PM | Closure, to me, is for people who cannot let go, and if you honestly tell them the truth then they will rag on about that, there's no way to say goodbye to someone who has to ring out every ounce of emotional seepage, for a long time, before they will stop bugging you about why, why, why??? They may even be dating others, but they still need to analyze you and the broken relationship like it's their job. Yes, it's nice to know why, usually, but who cares if you don't, for me, 'I don't want to see you anymore' is enough. I really don't need to know every thing they didn't like about me, WTF?, I mean am I going to get a full personality/body makeover if they tell me all the things they find fault with?  | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 8:15:09 PM | I think the ones who need closure want to keep contact in hopes of getting back together....
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 8:17:12 PM |
Why do you hear the words " I need closure"?
Because someone says it.
Really it's just a means of control. People like to have as much control over their lives as possible. Saying they need "closure" is a way of being controlling without the negative associations or judgments that are automatic when someone says "controlling."
when the smartest response would be to just walk away with their head held as high as you can?
We still have wars. People still get diseases from insects that are completely controllable.
Don't put your faith in what you think is the "smartest response" people should adhere to.
You'll just keep getting frustrated.
Isn't demanding answers from the other part only a way to keep a line open to be in contact, even if it is detrimental to a person moving on, with lessons learned?
No. It's a way for the individual that needs closure to show the other person they are in control of their own life and not a victim of (thereby valued less by) the other persons behavior. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 8:22:13 PM | I think you owe it to someone if you told them you've loved them in the past...
Plus if there's something wrong with me I would like to know what it is so I could stop doing it in future relationships.
If you're just dating someone for a month no closure is needed, but for 6+ months I think it is. | |
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Bluez
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Joined: 6/6/2009
Msg: 8 | |
| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 8:22:32 PM | I've found that the need for closure is in direct proportion to how alone someone is or feels. They have no one to move on to, or with... so they continue to question why the last one failed.
After my marriage failed, I just wouldn't understand how she could have done the things she did and, as I was pretty much alone all the time after that, my mind would always come back to wondering what the hell she was thinking... that was until I became involved with someone else...and BAM.. no more wondering.
Bluez | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 8:23:48 PM | You might be right on your appreciation of this situation.
I would say most of us want to know what went wrong, why,when, etc.
It is wise like you mention, to just walk away with the head up. Everything else is
really not going to do any good.
Even husbands and wives of 20 years have this situation happen...
We all wish everything will be clearly stated from beginning to end, but in real life
it doesn't happen like that.
If a relationship has ended, better not to pursue it. It only keeps the wound fresh.
Better to start walking the path of healing.
Bottom line...I agree with you...do not drag it.  | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 8:25:37 PM | One of my single friends believes very strongly in closure...and I cringe everytime I hear her need for it.
She is smart, has a good job, is average to nice looking....but...has this belief that this is 2009 and women and men are the same sexually.
In fact, she goes out of her way to do the traditional things that men used to do. If she likes a man, she approaches him. She buys the drinks. She asks for their #. She arranges for dates. She has sex whenever she feels like it...with whomever. But....most men have never stuck around for more than a couple three dates. If she does end up in a FB situation, she falls in love..BIG TIME!
Then it's the endless calls to him and going to his watering hole to check up on him...yadda..yadda.. (Now you know where I get my attitude to women who do this..)
He becomes MIA. Blocks her #. Some men have had to get a restraining order on her.
So...she demands closure and haunts him until she gets it.
I hear about it after it happens and sometimes it's just horrible!!!!
You ask why I have a friend like this? We go back to grade seven together. She wasn't psychotic until her husband left her. She was a doormat to her husband and I was her listening post for many years. Now she feels empowered. Empowered?? There is no hope for her.
Now...I still am her rock....sigh...
Me?? If it ain't workin'...I sigh...and walk away..... | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 8:28:09 PM | | I expect young people like in their 20s to question why things the way they are for them because they're only learning stuff. But, a person thats been around the block a thousand times, the need for answers may reflect their maturity. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 8:42:26 PM | I have always felt closure as an emotional verb is silly. More of an Oprah daytime talk show I deserve to have all the answers on my terms kind of whining. I have had friends who have lost a family member to violent crime and they all said there is no such thing as closure, the hurt is always there, in time it just become easier to deal with.
Imagine seeing your ex three days after the break up and three years after the break up. It will be a different reaction.
Some people just feel they deserve everything that they want, and what they want are super simple answers to complex problems. Throwing around the word closure makes them sound smart and emotionally intelligent. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 8:49:51 PM | | sometimes .. it's just a way to end the confusion in ones head... there are several steps a person goes through emotionally before getting to the final step which is closure.. not only in relationships, but any emotional lost.. such as the death of a loved one | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 9:00:49 PM |
I expect young people like in their 20s to question why things the way they are for them because they're only learning stuff. But, a person thats been around the block a thousand times, the need for answers may reflect their maturity.
I am in my thirties, and I believe in the power of closure. For me, closure is not always about asking "why". Sometimes it just a friendly, "hey thank you for being a part of my life", sometimes it is about receiving an apology the other party feels like they need to give, (and sometimes, so richly deserved) and sometimes it is about giving an apology in order to move on. Not immature, in my book, rather a display of maturity.
However. Any need for further contact after the fact, falls under the realm of stalking.
And I agree with humptyhump: if you told someone you loved them, you owe them some sort of conversation which empowers them to move. Maybe it just my southern upbringing, and the desire to be courteous and respectful. Or maybe I just don't want to run into them at some weird random place and experience that even more profound awkwardness that always accompanies when running into an ex.
Closure=breezy, "Glad you are doing so well"
Non-closure="Umm...(wishing I could be anywhere other than here)...so how are you doing...(I would rather be having a rectal exam right now)...gotta run!", or the dreaded you-see-each-other-but-pretend-not-to-notice-each-but-you-do-notice-each-other... which leaves me feeling like I still wish I was having a rectal exam. This to me, invalidates the history of a relationship that once was, and the lessons that learned from it.
Closure makes things sooooo much easier. (At least for me.)
JMO | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 9:06:15 PM | Because this person is actually wondering if there's a "window" of opportunity to get back into your life. And it (like a lot of terms, these days) is very poorly used.
By the way, miska1, nice eyes. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 9:33:48 PM | | The last time a guy told me he needed "closure" what it really meant was.."you're still here? you're cutting into my skanking time." | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 9:43:30 PM |
I am in my thirties, and I believe in the power of closure
Oi, if a person dumps you accept it and move on. To fuss, you are only delaying your chance to be happy because your ego got tainted. You have to accept not everyone we meet is for us and if they’re not interested in you then so be it.
if you told someone you loved them, you owe them some sort of conversation which empowers them to move.
That is the problem, just because you said the love word in the past you think you deserve an explanation so you feel better.
Using commonsense when dealing with OP’s proposed issue can save you a lot of wasted time and heartache. It is mature to accept a failed relationship than to waffle on hoping for a different outcome. Issues like this, think with your head and not your heart! | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 9:45:24 PM | Some people do not recognize that even when someone leaves them, they have the ability to give themselves closure by recognizing that they do not want the other individual regardless of any reasons he/she might have for ending it.
People claim that they want to know so that they can move on, not make the same mistakes with the next person but they really seek the nugget of information that will allow them to continue to nurse the fantasy of what could be instead of the reality of what was.
I am in my thirties, and I believe in the power of closure
Then you must know yourself as a powerful person because closure is a gift you give yourself, not something you derive from another person. Ergo, if someone told me he loved me and showed me he did not, nor that he possessed common courtesy the closure on that one would be pretty quick. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 9:50:55 PM | | I think it depends. If things are going well, and out of the blue, you get a text message that she's breaking up, you might want to know what the heck is going on in this woman's head. If you don't get that information, you wonder if it's because of another man, or something. I would rather a woman tell me I'm a jerk, then wonder what the real reason could be. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 10:05:43 PM | I think everyone deserves an honest answer as to why you don't want to be in a relationship anymore.
If you've given that honset answer and they can't handle it or don't believe it then I'm not sure there is a whole lot you can do other than try to explain it again in a different way or something... (If after expressing it several different ways they still don't get it then either A> They don't want to get it or B> You are being vague or unclear in your answer. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 10:18:14 PM | So many times with my g/f and guy/f I have heard the "but why..... he/she owes me an explanation"
I still have to wonder though, if we aren't still passing the buck to the other party. What someone else owes us as an individual, instead of us as individuals owe ourselves. Hearing what someone else thinks of what is wrong with us, or doing wrong, or behaving wrongly. That is someone elses perception, and may not be an accurate account of the total story. I usually have an idea of what I do wrong in a given situation, but looking to the ex for a valid explanation, to me robs ourselves of discovering for ourselves what it is. Instead we pass it to the ex to explain it to us, and that is normaly a skewed view of the whole situation. Self evaluation, being honest with ones self, would that not be a wiser way of "fixng" our own problems, instead of dragging it out with the ex?
But then again, there are always degrees of differences. When it is out of the blue, a real shocker. When one party or the other OFFERS an appology, yes I can see closure for those situations. But the ones where one or the other calls and demands a response? How can that be healthy? | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 10:37:47 PM |
Why do you hear the words " I need closure"?
``I need closure'' is psychobabble for ``I want to give me a reason at which I can chip away and the opportunity to do it.'' | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 10:43:56 PM | Good post package - my thoughts exactly.
Closure is about the gapping hole of WHY?
Why have you done this to me? Why don't you want me? Why am I not good enough? Why, why, why???? I demand to know why!!
The other person will rarely be able to give them the answers they think they want. Mostly, even if the conversation takes place, it won't give the person the closure they seek.
Closure comes from within not without. You close the door yourself and begin to heal. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 10:59:49 PM |
Then you must know yourself as a powerful person because closure is a gift you give yourself, not something you derive from another person. Ergo, if someone told me he loved me and showed me he did not, nor that he possessed common courtesy the closure on that one would be pretty quick.
Beautifully said!!! Simple, concise and dead on... 
Did we even have something called "closure" before the 80's??? I don't remember that we did. It seems to me that way back when, if nobody had seen or heard from someone after 7 years, they could be legally declared "dead" and that was about as close as we got to anything called "closure". Somewhere in the 80's, someone coined the term "closure" and now, we have people saying they don't have it, can't find it, don't know where they left it, don't know how to get it, want it, need it and blah, blah, blah.
I think that "closure" happens when we take what we were blessed to learn from our experiences with someone and accept that if we were meant to be together, we still would be. Or... we could still wait 7 years and have them declared legally dead. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/16/2009 11:12:56 PM | | Closure is only needed when the problems weren't addressed in the relationship. If the couple argued about the same things constantly then it should be obvious to both why they ended. When the end comes out of nowhere either because one or the other had no awareness of a change then closure is more necessary. Maybe if someone knew they lost something good due to a certain reason they will use that knowledge to enhance the next one. Breakups shouldn't be harboring of guilt for ourselves but instead lessons learned. Clarity and honesty from the partner can only help us when we use it right. Peace! | |
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