| male mid life crisis(59) vs workaholic are we done??
Posted: 6/17/2009 1:07:43 AM | my husband,(12 years) seperated at moment, has been going to bars until midnite -3 in morn.at least 4-5 nites a week. been getting increasingly worse since the death of my father in oct 08 and my sister dec 08. previous years maybe atleast 3nites out late. the rest of week, i serve his dinner to him, and he would go to bed like 8am.sex is not an issue here, I love sex. we use to have great sex........just let him sleep in seperate room , so he could get sound sleep, as im up all nite. hes up like 5am.....I never suspected like an idiot he was cheating.for some odd reason i found out about it 4-5 weeks ago. hes been talking to her on cell, about time my dad died in oct 08 alot, I mean alot......... hed already been out of house month before(april). us fighting all the time. mostly his fault in my opionion, he wanted his freedom!! I wanted and needed closeness. all we would discuss is our business, and ocasionally he would come home from work and I would serve him his lunch... I would ask him why he had to drink so much, and lets go do fun things together. Hed say my fault , i made him drink!... hed already planned on doing a job out of state for year to two years. in chicago... I had no options. even tho we could afford to live on his pension now, and our empire of rentals we now built. at one time atleast 7-8 years or more,he was madly in love with me. i guess maybe longer, I still am with him.but have been teribly hurt. I dont like being alone, and Im scared, to run business alone now, knowing our relationship is over, and I only pushed it thinking he would stick around more with projects here......... hes use to being on jobs for 2-6 months at a time, this was longest we were together, (2 years). reguardless after marriage counseling, and any thing I could think of to stop his bad behaviour..... golf, bars, bar friends, bar whore, and work , and stocks came before me.
should I let him stay gone with his bar whore, and drink and smoke him self to death. ps hes been retired for over 5 years and wont stop. loves the power. runs big jobs.......He had never lied to me about anything before.. so the question is do I move on? Ive read when they are in middle of affair they say the meanest things to you?? should I believe them?? this girl has nothing . I use to go more to bar with him, but im bored with drinking so much, twice a week is enough. Hes a great provider, very talanted man, i totally respected him.......... shitty husband and friend. should I move on??????????????????????? says he can not handle any emotions at all......... I run our business for us,always have.and work 1day a week as well........ I have water waiting by bedside for him, coffee ready in mornings. candy in drawars, dinner waiting and served to him if he actually comes home from bar. he says he feels uncomfortable in his own home now. he dosent like me, or want me, dosnet even really no what love is anymore??
Move on??? or wait for him?? or pursue and beg him again?? | |
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| male mid life crisis(59) vs workaholic are we done??
Posted: 6/17/2009 1:26:56 AM | Shug the question you should be asking yourself is am I better of with him, or without him...
By your post you are alone anyway, and isn't life a bit to short to sit and watch someone drink themselves to death??? He has apparently fallen out of love, and the more you allow him to treat you like a door mat, the less respect he has for you.
Retired, so he's bored, and instead of turning to someone he's supposed to, he turns to someone that views him differently...
The missing piece to this post, is why he feels the need to self medicate, and to be involved with other women, when the one he has at home waits on him hand and foot...
Ultimately YOU have to leave with what you decide... Personally when my ex got to the point of being drunk most the time, hanging out at the strip clubs all the time, and or gambling, I decided enough was enough. Life was to short, and I needed to find someone who would value and love me, and my ex did NOT feel that way... In my case I don't think he ever really did, I was a convenience for him, and helped supplement his non existent credit, and took care of his son, while he made excuses to run around...
The fact is you are enabling him to be as bad as he wants to be... Perhaps it is time to think of yourself, and remind yourself that he hasn't been around, you have been doing really good in running the business without him around, so there wouldn't be much difference if he weren't around legally...
Hun, life is way to short to live in a shitty marriage, when the man doesn't want or love you... | |
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| male mid life crisis(59) vs workaholic are we done??
Posted: 6/17/2009 3:24:33 AM | OP.
I would love to give you advice but I could not make it past the first two sentences. Grammar and punctuation are our friends.
If you want serious replies and advice, take the extra few minutes to make your post readable. | |
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| male mid life crisis(59) vs workaholic are we done??
Posted: 6/17/2009 3:38:55 AM | First of all...I agree with the fact that your post is incredibly hard to read. Paragraph breaks work wonders.
Secondly, it does not sound like he is going to change at all. Sorry, but if you want to be happy you're going to have to leave him. Maybe if you leave he will change? | |
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| male mid life crisis(59) vs workaholic are we done??
Posted: 6/17/2009 5:34:27 AM | Awful lot of information here. Frankly, this is probably a little far beyond forum answer type problems. Your whole life appears to be crumbling. Work, business, marriage, drinking, infidelity. Worse he's apparently in love with someone else. Perhaps if he was arrested for a DUI and sat in jail for a bit maybe he'd have an epiphany - but I doubt it.
Sounds like you need a plan. How to extricate yourself from the marriage, claim your fair share of the marital estate, repair your psyche, and start all over. That is a a tall task. Plan, gotta have a plan. Spend some time away thinking about what you need to do. Probably a lawyer, probably a support system of some sort. Not sure dating is your best choice right now as you bring a trainload of baggage at the present time. Your plan ought to involve at the least moving on but I don't think any of us here can lead you in the right direction. Good luck | |
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| male mid life crisis(59) vs workaholic are we done??
Posted: 6/17/2009 7:53:56 AM | You can stay stuck in a loveless marraige or cut your losses and move on.
Your fears are holding you back, are they warranted?
I would rather face the fear of gaining my own independance than be treated like shyt for 3 more minutes.
How much are you going to take? I think the emotional price tag your paying is far outweighing any financial strife you will have to overcome in resolving a divorce.
I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than put up with a drunken, cheating, inconsiderate, low-life husband.
What are you made of OP? Maybe it's time to ask yourself that question. There is no way you can sugar coat your situation. You're allowing yourself to be treated like crap.
You can beg him all you want and then hate yourself all the more for being his dish rag.
I think you know it's time to end your miserable story here. You may need some help in doing so. Contact a lawyer and a therapist and make a plan. It's not going to get better, it will get worse and then it will be over.
Do you really want him? I'll bet there was more than one bar whore. This is just the one you found out about. Be smart. Get away from him. | |
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| male mid life crisis(59) vs workaholic are we done??
Posted: 6/17/2009 8:39:36 AM | I would never give advice to anyone about leaving a marriage.
What I will say is that we all need to place our personal self-esteem and interests first,
in a good way, or nothing else in our lives will fall into place.
You need to remove yourself (mentally, etc.) from this situation and find out what
you want and need in your life.
Being on your own is not a scary thing, it is simply the unknown for you. You are
capable of running the business that you have been running, and I am sure that you
are capable of caring for yourself as well. You should, at the very least, be treating
yourself as well, or better, than you have been treating him.
You need to get on with your life, and get yourself in a good way, and the answers will
become very apparent.
All the best~ | |
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| male mid life crisis(59) vs workaholic are we done??
Posted: 6/17/2009 8:48:41 AM | | He is a older guy with lots of money, its called play time. he wants to squeeze in as many bar whores as he can before its to late to enjoy life. at this point it sounds like its never gonna be right again. | |
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| male mid life crisis(59) vs workaholic are we done??
Posted: 6/17/2009 9:37:08 AM | I say embrace it! Invite he and his lady over for dinner serve them both and bring them some candy from your drawer after they are done getting down and dirty on your bed..maybe bring them in some drinks while they are having fun...it sounds like this fella likes to drink. He says he does not feel comfortable well I'm sure if you were more accomadating he would feel much more comfortable and come home more often so you could serve him.
Or you could have a little bit of respect for yourself and move on.
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| male mid life crisis(59) vs workaholic are we done??
Posted: 6/17/2009 5:05:19 PM | listen to your own words
'i serve dinner to him'
'we used to have great sex'
leave his sorry ass, find someone new who will treat you with respect
i find it insane why people stay together when their unhappy
plenty more fish haha get it lol cheesy i know
hope you find someone hun
x :) | |
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| male mid life crisis(59) vs workaholic are we done??
Posted: 6/24/2009 9:22:57 PM | Product of life crisis no , when you are workaholic , some of us sit back and think the grass is better on the other side of the fence.He has nt came to grip with maybe his drinking problem,it gets alot of people. Maybe you should think about what you need, to make you happy.Look after your self , first good luck. | |
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| male mid life crisis(59) vs workaholic are we done??
Posted: 6/25/2009 1:08:00 AM | At this rate, he'll have a heart-attack at her apartment. When she calls, remember, you don't know him, it's a wrong number.
Find an interesting job and move the heck out of there. | |
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| male mid life crisis(59) vs workaholic are we done??
Posted: 6/25/2009 7:33:09 AM | wow.
ok, first off, i'm sorry you're dealing with this sh*t. it must suck.
now, here's what's up. you've been married a while, you have a business together. if you plan to divorce, it will be an expensive process and you will want to get it done right.
it's time to stop kissing his ass, giving him whatever he wants, and taking responsibility for his bullsh*t.
tell him directly you want to go to counseling again. you will want to do this so you can have a 3rd party in the room to mediate when you start hitting him with the harsh truth.
if he doesn't agree to go to counseling, get your divorce atty.
if he goes, this is where you must lay it out. you want him to stop cheating, you want him to start respecting you again, you want him to start respecting your marriage again. ask him why he's cheating. pull the truth out of him. then deal with that accordingly. he may say he's not attracted to you. see if you can change that. he may say he just wants to screw other women. well, he has, and you may be willing to let that become part of the past if it stops right now.
lay out the truth that if he is not willing to respect you and your marriage, that divorce is eminent. you will sell the business or buy him out, you will split everything.
YOU ARE A STRONG ADULT RUNNING A BUSINESS AND DEALING WITH THE LOSS OF YOUR FATHER. you certainly don't need him as a crutch if it's a crutch with a crack in it. so don't worry about being alone, or doing it yourself, or whatever other fear comes to mind. you obviously can handle it and it's just fear. be scared and do it anyway. you can do it because you are doing it now.
this is the best way. get him in front of a 3rd party so he can't shift blame to you, and the argument moves off topic to a pissing match. this is business. the business of your business AND your marriage. if he cannot respect you and your marriage, then he's a loser and you don't need him in your life anymore. he can be a loser ALONE. or he can turn his sh*t around, admit his mistakes, and promise to get back on track with his vow to you.
good luck. | |
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Romny
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Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 19 | |
| male mid life crisis(59) vs workaholic are we done??
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:17:04 AM | Jennybird,
Do you really want to say good bye to this gem? I mean, you have, after all, spent 12 years with him, right???
A 12 year mistake is difficult for anyone to live down; so, I would suggest that you do the 'wifey' thing and just stay put.
He will come around. Obviously, you have become his mother while his girlfriend is the one with self esteem and fun to be around....
Your husband is old...he will lose energy... and eventually come home to you..at which time you will be expected to wipe his drool... change his shitty diaper... etc.
congratulations. | |
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| male mid life crisis(59) vs workaholic are we done??
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:56:07 PM | There are too many numbers in your presentation, and some of them are used carelessly. He goes to bed 8 a.m. and gets up at 5 a.m. He's distraught by your sister's death and your father's death? Why? Was he closer to them than you?
I stopped reading when you presented the 5 a.m. wake up time. It's just that I have to do too many mental adjustments and I have to keep changing too many numbers and concepts to those figures and facts that would make sense to me.
I would like to comment on your post, as I'm a man in my late fifties (55) and I like to relate to things that are in the forefront of my mind (men's biological and mentality changes in their fifties and sixties). But your post is much too incomprehensible for me. I have to keep changing so many things that I have to remember, and than change more things on top of that, that depend on the changed and subbed parts and facts and figures -- please re-write and I'll comment.
Also, please be more careful about grammar and spelling. You may have been in an agitated mood when you wrote your post -- fine, I won't hold it against you. But if the text you wrote is your regular and customary writing style, then don't change it, please. | |
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| male mid life crisis(59) vs workaholic are we done??
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:58:03 PM | The question you should be asking yourself is;
"Why am I, at 51, still writing incomplete sentences and creating impenetrable walls of text?"
Haven't you figured out sentence and paragraph structure YET???? | |
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