| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/17/2009 9:24:27 AM | Well fellow pond dwellers. Most of us are on here looking for love (or whatever it is we think passes for it) but sometimes as all us over 45 folks know, love dont quite work out. So the questions for this forum are these:
1: How do you know when its time to say goodbye?
2: How do you personally deal with it when your the left? when your the leaver?
3: What do you do to "start again" using what you learned in the just ended relationship without allowing it to ruin a potential new one?
btw I am not now in a realationship. this is just a question for consideration of the wise fish (and some not so wise) who share the internet pond with me.  | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/17/2009 9:31:00 AM | This is a popular fwd that I've gotten many times...and I think it answers your questions...)
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON...It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.
The, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. Sometimes they die. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. Your need has been answered, and now it is time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON...It is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/17/2009 9:42:34 AM | My two marriages (and extended after marriage 2) lasted too long. About 36 years.
I forgot .... what to do next so ....
I don't do much of anything to get restarted.
For the first time ever - I have now gained experience at living alone - being alone.
It really is not all that bad. | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/17/2009 10:01:29 AM | 1: How do you know when its time to say goodbye?
When she has made it clear she doesn't want to get along anymore.
2: How do you personally deal with it when your the left? when your the leaver?
She withdraws; I leave. I ask her where she went, and she:
a) gets angry
b) doesn't answer
3: What do you do to "start again" using what you learned in the just ended relationship without allowing it to ruin a potential new one?
Having no new relationship to start makes this irrelevant. If at some point I ever do start a new relationship, ...nope, can't imagine it.
I think I am saying good-bye to women as a group, come to think of it. And they are saying, Don't let the door hit you in the butt on your way out. "Ahh" has been replaced by "eww". It reminds me of Pygmalion, only in reverse.
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/17/2009 10:07:33 AM | Answering them one by one
1. I have no experience saying goodbye once in a relationship so I have no idea? However saying goodbye to someone I might have dated and not had an intimate relationship with I can answer. Do it with kindness and let them know in person you do not feel there is enough in common here to continue on. That you think they are a wonderful person because if they were not you would not have dated them, but the match is simply not there.
2. Again never being the leaver but I imagine I would terrible if I was. I guess I would worry more about the person I left them myself.
3. Being the one that was left I find I am much more pragmatic now. I think with my head first before allowing my heart to get involved.. Still there is recovery time needed no matter who did the leaving. Allow at least two or three years to rid yourself of all the baggage first off.. or however long it takes you so that you do not bring it to your next relationship.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/17/2009 10:08:28 AM | | irrelevant? oh my. perhaps bond, james bond, said it best. never say never again. | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/17/2009 10:40:54 AM |
1: How do you know when its time to say goodbye?
It is a feeling, a sense of it is done and all that was to be accomplished, has been.
2: How do you personally deal with it when you're the left? when you're the leaver?
When I am the one left, I cry and let the heart heal, then I move on.
I admit to being a coward when it comes to hurting someone's feelings, so I
usually just stop putting any effort into a relationship. I find when I do that, the
other person just drifts away themselves - no muss, no fuss. Some have even come
back to me and apologized for the way they ended the relationship.
3: What do you do to "start again" using what you learned in the just ended relationship without allowing it to ruin a potential new one?
I concentrate on myself and how to make myself a better person.
Each relationship, each person is unique and hopefully from my past, I take
a new and improved person into a new relationship.
I myself believe in the "reason, season, or lifetime". I have given help and received help in my past relationships; some have been short, some have been long, all were a reason or a season. I don't have angst about any of them, and since most of my past relationships are still on friendly terms with me, I hope I have helped them in some way as well. Someday if I am lucky, maybe that 'lifetime' one will come along, meanwhile I will live and enjoy life as much as I can. | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/17/2009 10:57:48 AM | 1: How do you know when its time to say goodbye?
When I lose respect for the person.
2: How do you personally deal with it when your the left? when your the leaver?
Wait! Wait! I'm trying to remember a time I've been left. Yeah... I'm not getting anything but I'm sure it has happened and I probably wasn't very dignified about it (but I was far younger; hence, the poor memory).
When I'm the leaver I have tried to be gentle or at least matter-of-fact about it. Unfortunately, they've suddenly come up with all kinds of sh**ty things to say about me (which did not come up previously) and I tend to give receipts so it can get ugly.
3: What do you do to "start again" using what you learned in the just ended relationship without allowing it to ruin a potential new one?
Swore off guys with overbearing parent(s). Swore off military guys. Swore off guys whom I suspected were chemically dependent. Swore off know-it-alls. | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/17/2009 11:40:29 AM | 1. When you look in the mirror and don't recognize yourself anymore.
2. I was the leaver. I just moved out and started over.
3. I wouldn't do anything different. Sometimes people just change...you
can't always predict that. | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/17/2009 5:54:41 PM | Wow, parrothead 13, my friend, good questions ---
1: How do you know when its time to say goodbye?
Personally, I've always had great intuition - mostly by paying very close attention to my man. I always know when it's time to say goodbye. My problem has always been, though, that the actual breakup doesn't happen until several years later because I've been so good at ignoring what I know.
The good news is, scads of hours of therapy and mounds of medication ...er , make that...zillions of hours of meditation practice, later, I'm much, much better at honoring my intuition these days.
2a: How do you personally deal with it when you're the left?
I cry. I talk to friends. I journal. I eat chocolate hershey bars with almonds. I find someone to help. You know what I'm talking about. Then I go dancing and flirt outrageously.... Then I cry again. Eventually I find I miss missing him. And it's over.
2b: How do you personally deal with it when you're the leaver?
Without blame -- As kindly and considerately as possible. Even when there has been genuine rancor, eventually, as far as possible, I remain on good terms with all people.
3: What do you do to "start again" using what you learned in the just ended relationship without allowing it to ruin a potential new one?
I don't know that I've ever gone into a new relationship after one has "just ended".
'Course that would depend on what you are calling a "relationship", I s'ppose. Going out with someone a half a dozen times does not a "relationship" make, in my book.
The end of any kind of real relationship - one that involves deep emotional involvement with the man - takes me a considerable amount of time to sort myself out .
I take months, years, even to heal, to learn, to grow and change, before I am ready to "start again". That doesn't mean I sit at home and grow mold on my eyelashes...I go out and play with the kids in the neighborhood! I've even been known to go to Florida! I just make sure I can carry my baggage with a degree of grace before starting again. | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/17/2009 5:58:53 PM | | Ron9, If you lived closer , you wouldnt have to do anything to get restarted, I would do it for you ! | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/17/2009 6:30:39 PM | 1. When he doesn't care anymore
2. I am always left before I leave
3. I don't want to....this is the best answer so far:
I think I am saying good-bye to women as a group, come to think of it. And they are saying, Don't let the door hit you in the butt on your way out. "Ahh" has been replaced by "eww". It reminds me of Pygmalion, only in reverse  | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/17/2009 6:51:29 PM | I am going to answer this from the perspective of the short term relationships I have had.
When I have been dating someone for as few months and it just doesn't feel right anymore, I know it's time to end it. When I look forward to going home more than going to see him, I know it's time to end it. When I feel myself biting my tongue so as not to snap at the annoying things he says or does, I know it's time to end it. When I do not like the person I am when I am with him, it's time to end it.
When a relationship ends I call my girlfriends and go back to my life. I take some time for myself so as not to jump in to the next one with the baggage from the last. I take my grandchildren to the park, my son to a ball game. I shop, rent movies, and post relationship advice in the forums. | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/17/2009 8:15:38 PM | As you grow and age, you learn that life is too short to put up with the things you don't want.
You know it's time to say goodbye when things break down so badly, they are irreparable. You move out, or if it's your house, you pile all his stuff against the fence and change the locks. (Harsh, but I had to do it)
If it was bad (it was) you don't cry about it. You just learn. You tell yourself - whew! That was a close one. Let's not do that again, ever, ever! Then you set about thinking about what it is you really want, then you set out to get it. You put up a profile and you set back and wait until your bobber dunks below the water line. You answer the message, you talk, you prepare to meet. If s/he blows the first meeting for some stupid reason, you retrieve your hook and set your bobber again. It's that simple.
Become acquainted with yourself. Know what you want and go get it. Do not settle for almost good enough. This does not mean you need to find a rich fish, a gorgeous fish, a fish who lives in the castle of your dreams. It just means that you need to find a fish who speaks your language, makes your heart glad, makes you thrill when you see him/her, makes him/her want to wait for you to come and get him/her and is joyous at your arrival. Don't settle for anything less. Life is too short to catch bad fish. | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/17/2009 8:33:20 PM | | *As you grow and age, you learn that life is too short to put up with the things you don't want.* Dating is about what we want or dont want in our lifes. I am more willing accept one that is not my prince charming. I can accept his flaws if he can accept mine. | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/17/2009 8:44:05 PM | | Everyone has flaws. I've got a whole bunch of my own. I'm just saying -- find what YOU want. Don't settle for someone you think you might like except for that one little annoying thing. I can put up with a lot of flaws. Some flaws make a person all that more appealing. Just make your heart glad -- that's my point. | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/17/2009 11:40:08 PM | | Great thread, while I was married (20 yrs ) I never thought about ending it, I guess I just kinda lost me in the whole deal, became a drone and a human atm and was happy to accept that this was my life until I died ( pretty pathetic ) I had no Idea there was a real life just waitng for me to explore, but my ex had other ideas and maybe even more ba@@s and went her own way. After alot of soul searching and asking myself why, why, why, one day I realized that she had done me the biggest favor she could have ever done ( short of bearing our child ) and I was free to finally do, have and become whatever I wanted to, It was now MY choice, but before I could even think about having another relationship I had to develop a good sense of self, learn to make myself happy, define my boundries etc. Once these thing were set in place then the goodbye issue was not an issue at all. I refuse to allow a relationship to develope into the " if you leave me or I leave you someone will be greatly hurt " I have quit letting maybe it will work run my life, there just isnt that much time left and I refuse to waste it on what might be. Today it really dosent take long to discover if its live or if its memorex, its called being honest with myself and my potiential partner. | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/18/2009 5:50:20 AM | | One thing we can always count on is that things will change, and so too do all relationships....if that means something to you.... | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/18/2009 8:02:13 AM | I am in a marriage of 25 years that is still in the process of ending,(we have now mutually agreed to divorce) so I have a fresh perspective of these questions.
1: How do you know when its time to say goodbye?
I knew almost 4 years ago that it was over. I knew it had to end. I loved her, and still do, I just can’t live with her. We all deserve the life of our choosing. This is a fundamental right. When we are denied this, life becomes a form of prison. The actual time to “say goodbye” was a difficult decision for me. I wanted to wait til the kids were gone. I wanted as little disruption as possible in their lives. I also wanted my wife to be ok with it. She was going through many difficulties and I could not just up and leave her. I took my vows seriously however I realized that vows or promises are given in good faith, and should never be used as a weapon, or a prison.
I decided to stay and convince her that it is best for both of us, and even best for the children if we separate. I want to always watch her back, and make sure she is going to transition well. I feel that there will be huge benefits for our family, broken as it may be, to this approach.
2: How do you personally deal with it when your the left? when your the leaver?
In my case I am the leaver, although at this point the decision is mutual, however I am the initiator. It is tough to deal with. I hope my children will understand. I would rather they hate me than her because I am the most independent, and stronger, however my choice would be that they understand, and continue to love us both equally. My ultimate goal would be for us to remain a family of sorts that can keep the best of both worlds alive.
3: What do you do to "start again" using what you learned in the just ended relationship without allowing it to ruin a potential new one?
Although I haven’t had love or intimacy for over 6 years, I don’t need a new relationship at this time. I wish only to interact with people in a friendly manner. Any new relationship, when and if it happens will be based on the concept that we will both remain free to choose the life we wish. No promises, no vows, no obligations. If I choose to pursue a relationship with someone, I will do whatever I can to make that person be with me willingly, without feelings of obligation. However it will be clear up front that it must be good for both of us, or we will go our separate ways without bad feelings. If I can’t find someone who feels the same way, I will be quite happy to remain single. | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/18/2009 8:02:32 AM | 1) I can usually feel it well before it happens. Things stop growing and enthusiasm wanes.
2) Its always for me a sad occasion either way, but I find that people leave each other.
3) You can only learn about yourself, in my view. Mostly about the limits of what you will accept, and that only makes you aware earlier what is happening. Starting again involves nothing special, as you just live your life and when your needs become strong enough for company, you open up yourself to the opportunities around you and accept offers until something sticks and starts growing. | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/18/2009 8:30:37 AM | Really good discussions here. I can feel the wheels moving around me in the pond! I guess its only fair to answer the questions I posed. So here goes......
1: At one time I had no clue on that one. I stayed in my first marriage way to long and we ended up going through a period of hating each other for ending something that should have ended years ago, before infidelity made it unavoidable. The last relationship I left I simply walked out. We were going nowhere and when I asked her about making changes and she blew it off, I simply left her standing there, got in my car and left. (I was at her house, she never got stranded).
2: Leaver: I used to have sooooo much guilt on that one. But the one thing I have learned as far as being the leaver goes, for me, is you gotta give it your best. I have been the leaver nearly every time. The relationships that I believed , after much soul searching, had been done only after everything had been exhaused, went pretty well. Guilt was much less of an issue.
3: Left: I lost a truley unique, intense relationship due to distance. She lived in England. We were so happy and in love so much it showed when we were in the same room. People commented on it and we both smiled. Thing was we could not overcome the distance. She had to leave me to take care of her minor children (whom she could not move) and her ailing mother. She said it was for the best. Did it hurt, hell yes! but once the sting was past I realized it was , as other said, a season of life. I now know what real love looks like and feels like. Being left in this case made me grow as a person.
4: How do you know? For me that is tough. Once I thought I was ready and ended up in the worst LTR/marriage of my life. It was simply awful. I thought I was ready and I was not. As for her I doubt she ever will be given her inability to let go of anger. Right now I feel like I can handle my end of a relationship but I guess you dont really know until you just do it. such is life. its all about taking risk. | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/18/2009 12:00:22 PM | 1. knowing WHEN to say goodbye and actually SAYING goodbye ... has always been difficult for me ... I tend to hang on far longer than a reasonable person would ... sadly, I overlook shit that others would not accept ... I tend to think I can "see the goodness within" the SO ... and forget I'm forced to LIVE with the meanness without!
2. I don't recall being the one left behind ... but when I'm the "leaver," I feel miserable, he calls, appologizes and promises it will never happen again ... I forgive, go back and it's still the same sucky relationship ... so I leave again ... maybe that's why I'm not in a relationship ... I HATE the part where one of us has to "man up" and LEAVE ... just leave. and it's usually ME who does the "man upping" part ... when it's dead, it's dead ... someone needs to just walk away ...
3. starting over is the hardest part ... I'm not good at it ... I'd much rather live alone than be with someone who makes me unhappy ... so ... I'm alone ...
I date but am picky ... it takes a long time to find someone who doesn't share the faults (of the previous SO) ... that I now know to look for ... there must be a sign on my forehead that only men with the talent to deceive can read ...
I'm on this site and would LOVE to find an interesting man to spend time with ... fun and romance are the goals but I'd be thrilled with a fun friendship ... other fishies in here have mentioned a disinterest in friendship ... but I think friendship is really a precoursor to romance ...
maybe the men I've met in here want romance (that's my polite code for "sex") IMMEDIATELY ... but I'm not "wired" that way ... I need to feel companionship and intellectual stimulation, etc. prior to any romance!
I should probably get over the illusion of "happily ever after," get some cats, a pipe organ and just become a recluse living in a spooky Victorian three story house on the side of a mountain!
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/18/2009 12:17:42 PM | 1. it's time to say goodbye when the relationship is more trouble than it's worth to maintain, or perhaps about two weeks before ;)
2. i am the leaver 98% of the time, so hey it's not my problem lol! ooh that sounds so callous. the other 2% is about equally divided between being the leavee and mutual sayonaras. whatever! it only hurts for a little while.
3. i think all relationships have something to teach you. i have almost always tried to pay attention to what that is. i guess the proof is in the puddin' because each of my relationships has been progressively more enjoyable than the past. it's just that ultimately they sort of run their course because i'm off in a new direction and meanwhile the other person isn't interested in anything but the same old status quo. after a while it's like he's just sitting there taking up space and sucking all the oxygen out of the room. god i get sooo  | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/18/2009 12:27:21 PM | When the bank account is depleted..
The rent is due..
and the cops are on the way...
it IS time to say good-bye...
---SoldierByte--- | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/18/2009 12:59:42 PM | 1: How do you know when its time to say goodbye?
It is time to say good bye when that initial spark dies...the relationship feels like a task....lies begin to come out...when your feelings start to fade for the person...
2: How do you personally deal with it when your the left? when your the leaver?
If I am the one who is left, I will cry my eyes out and move on eventually....
If I am the one doing the leaving, I would try to talk to the person and tell them I do not think this will work out and it is the best for the both of us to end the relationship.
3: What do you do to "start again" using what you learned in the just ended relationship without allowing it to ruin a potential new one?
I will allow myself some healing time and do some fun things with family and friends. | |
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