| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 11:32:40 AM | After talking to men for some time i often find that it would be too difficult for me start a relationship because our free time didn't match.
I have also met a few guys who were separated/single but not long out the relationship and still not ready to date IMO.
I sent someone a list of questions recently, before we got down the chat road, and found out that he has his son on my free night. In my most polite way I told him it wouldn't be practical.
Here's a list of questions i sent:
I have Friday night off, some Tuesdays. You?
My girl is 8. Your kids?
I drive. You?
i work Monday - Friday days. You?
Been divorced 7 years. How long have you been seperated/single?
It did feel a bit blunt, but I was glad i didn't do the message ping-pong that can take days or sometimes weeks to find out what is most important.
What do you think, practical or rude?
What other questions would you want to ask? | |
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| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 11:49:23 AM | I don't think there is anything wrong with what you did at all Scints, everyone has their ways and means of deciphering which people may be for them and which may not.
Being able to get together is important so if you find out early on that you can't, then you pretty much know not to carry on wasting anyone's time. Although sometimes it may pay to be flexible if possible and meet someone half way, it would be a real shame to lose out on Mr or Mrs Perfect For You, just because you couldn't change your Salsa class to a Friday or something and would Salsa be all that important if you had Mr Perfect to salsa in private with?
Not saying that's the sort of thing that keeps you busy of an evening, but you get my meaning I'm sure.
After a couple of PM's and a bit of chat on MSN with my partner, he asked me exactly what I was looking for, I typed it out, laid it on the line and he said he'd like to meet with a view to taking things further as what I described was exactly the sort of thing he felt able to offer (that and there being a mutal virtual attraction there already). Since then things have adapted and moved on dramatically from what we originally thought was our crystal clear set of needs from a relationship and we've enjoyed the changes.
If something is worth making oneself flexible for then one may as well bend as long as it just involves a few changes to your schedule of course and nothing more worrying. | |
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| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 11:50:24 AM | [do you take your clipboard and questionaire on your first date too ??? lol]
Hell,yeah! Doesn't everyone?? Finding the right guy I'm goin to be stuck with for the rest of life is serious business. I want references too.
EDIT;
The thing is I did all this dating business for a while before, and trying to get a relationship up and running wasn't going to happen unless I got babysitters. I don't really want to go down that road again, and I don't want anyone meeting my girl for a reasonable time.
So I thought I'd not waste anyone's time or mine by just being straight to the point. | |
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| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 11:52:58 AM | You don't want to drive people away before establishing at least some rapport and genuine interest in them.
Also things can change can't they ?
You have to give love a chance and expecting working and childcare pattern compatibility isn't doing that is it ?
I personally don't mind some questions like this upfront, but I have had one person ask me - Cake or biscuits - it is important....Then not email me again lol because the answer was not what they wanted to hear.
Anyone is going to be somewhat or very guarded at this sort of thing. Hugely so if you are not even willing to ask them this sort of stuff face to face.
What are you going to be doing if you were in a relationship ? Is this your idea of how a couple should work together ?
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| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 11:56:37 AM |
Aslo things can change can't they ?
Indeed they can! I hadn't thought I'd want/be willing to relocate but when challenged I realised that there's actually nothing to keep me where I am any more... | |
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| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 11:57:34 AM | | Funky unfortunately for single parents especially single moms we can not always rely on love. Love is something that develops with time, I am totally with Scint as you tend to waste a lot of time in chatting to someone whose availability or feeling towards children do not match your own. | |
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| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 11:59:27 AM | I think asking those kinds of question is fine, but you're missing out a big chunk of context. It may be possible to change childcare arrangements so they match, for example. Anyway, the most important question, "are you able to fly up to Glasgow to take me out to dinner once a month?" is missing from your list!  | |
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| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 12:02:08 PM |
4, do you wanna delete phone numbers afterwards and never see each other again?
Someone has actually said that to me before. She said they would understand if I just wanted to have sex and then delete her number, but she'd just like to know beforehand that I was going to do it so she didn't have unrealistic expectations of what would happen after... Bizarre.
I wish someone would ask me the other three! | |
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| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 12:02:26 PM | Lol I was involved with a single mum as husband and wife for 12 years and she is now the mother of my daughter.
You absolutely can rely on love and it is extremely naive to think anyone can understand a persons attitude to kids etc in this type of setting.
You may be able to superficially assess their ability to fit into your rigid life but thats nothing approaching a relationship is it ?
There are plenty of ways to speed things up and ask these sorts of questions in a way that isn't counterproductive.
It is often how you ask something not the something that matters. | |
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| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 12:05:17 PM | Indeed funky, I agree with you on this one. Once you go past a certain stage and feelings start to come into play, you'll be motivated to make the neccessary changes.
Eh Chopper, I was once sent a list more benign than that above, that the woman in question obviously didn't pay any attention to anyway. We were totally incompatible, but had great sex for the short duration of our relationship ;).
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| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 12:10:54 PM |
I have Friday night off, some Tuesdays. You
most nights actually
My girl is 8. Your kids
none, but if you fancy going halves on another, i'm game
I drive. You?
yes, a lot.
i work Monday - Friday days. You?
same thanks
Been divorced 7 years. How long have you been seperated/single?
cant remember, think its about 5 or 6 years.
I think its great scints.... Well done you!
several other questions, but then there is the read/deleted jobbie that would follow!  | |
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| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 12:20:19 PM | Its all very practical and, in my opinion, a bit of a cold way to start things off.
Surely, you'll find these things out in general conversation at some point and, if you've grown to like someone, these are all things that can be worked around.
You could be missing out on the love of your life because of a few practicalities, seems like a waste to me. | |
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| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 1:43:16 PM | you want to try arranging something when your shift pattern looks like this
4 on 08:00-20:00
4 off
4 on 08:00-20:00
4 off
4 on 20:00-08:00
4 off
4 on 20:00-08:00
4 off
OP, I wouldn't consider it rude being asked in a practical yet polite manner. | |
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Scints
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Joined: 6/11/2009
Msg: 17 | |
| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 1:59:42 PM | [if you've grown to like someone, these are all things that can be worked around.]
seems like a common opinion.
I've also noticed a couple that agree with me.
Maybe to be more specific, if you have children, how long would you keep shipping them out to babysitters?
I've done it a few times only for the relationship not to get past 2 or 3 months anyway. Just felt it wasn't fair on my girl, and was a burden on someone else.
And further down the line if you brought them into your child's life, you either have your kids or his kids and no alone time.
Changing my night off isn't an option.
I don't know how other people manage to work around it. | |
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| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 2:00:08 PM | If someone sent me a questionnaire like that, I would think they were just after some boxes to be ticked, and no disrespect to the OP as I can (sort of) see where she is coming from, for me it would be ting ting next please .
Surely we have all filled in questionnaires that range from 'strongly disagree' to 'strongly agree' and still not been satisfied with the box we tick, as it doesn't allow for the variable ' yeah but, no but' 
"Yes, I am child free on such and such a day, but I can call in favours for special occasions"
"No, I don't drive BUT I love trains"
Be flexible.
I remember a poster on here saying she nearly missed out on a very good thing because of the age restrictions she had put on her profile................ it missed by a month
Happy   | |
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| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 2:00:58 PM | If they didn't mind the questions then it's worked for you, it would feel like an interview to me though, but i guess in a way it is and a good way of cutting down the mindless chat if you want to get straight down to the basics.
But things change, if you just talk for a while you can gain a rapport and if you like each other then you can change arrangements to suit can't you?
I'm a single mum but my life structure and rota isn't set in stone. | |
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| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 2:04:40 PM | I'd ask,
Do you own a pub or club?
Do you have a spare season ticket for the Arsenal?
Are you a millionaire?
and other sensitive and caring questions involving sex, drugs and rock n roll! | |
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| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 2:13:14 PM |
I've done it a few times only for the relationship not to get past 2 or 3 months anyway. Just felt it wasn't fair on my girl, and was a burden on someone else.
Ah, a mother's feelings of guilt. Let me ask you, if you had a husband and were living with him, would you feel that way about having a baby sitter once a week so you could go out together? I remember being baby-sat usually involved cake/sweets and a nice old lady; I actually enjoyed it when I was a lad!
I went on a date some years ago that involved bowling, with date and date's daughter, followed by dinner with date and date's daugher and then a game of monopoly at home with date and date's daughter. Depending on age, doing things together is an option. Maybe not at first, but eventually. | |
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| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 2:13:32 PM | i think some men may be put off with the questions all in one go and will think,,slow down
i think its to heavy but then again i don't like interview type feeling questions and prefer more flowing messages that are more comfortable and fun | |
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Scints
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Joined: 6/11/2009
Msg: 23 | |
| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 2:21:03 PM | Funny you should ask that Robinson. I wasn't a fan of the babysitter thing. We usually went out seperately and maybe once a month together. We didn't have many people offering anyway, so it was mostly organised events.
felt the same then as I do now about asking people and sending her off on a regular basis. | |
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Joe1uk
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Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 24 | |
| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 2:28:36 PM | I like the list and see it as a little sarcastic tongue in cheek list with a serious side.
I chat to loads on here, I have no idea which of those I've chatted to on here find me attractive, which would like more and when ever I've tried to find out I've ended up killing the friendship.So I don't bother any more. At least you make your intentions clear. everyone knows where they stand. I keep thinking this is facebook and people only want friendship, dunno why. Same with the meets. I don't really go to them to find a partner, I go to have an adventure each weekend meeting new people, existing friends in venues all over the country, rather than just stand in the same pub week in week out with my mates. We all use different parts of the site for different reasons.
Other than meet nights I have every night off. I have no children no ties, no live in ex. I drive for a living, its fun, I get to go all over, but get back by 5 ish, but only if I choose to and if its a weekend I can stay where my last drop was till Sunday. I work about 3-4 days a week. I've been single 3 and a half years now. 3 if I count the 6 months I thought I was in a relationship but apparently wasn't.
Interesting questions, have made me think. | |
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| Logistics before getting to know someone for dating.
Posted: 6/17/2009 3:59:44 PM | Relationships are built on taking time to get to know someone and not on the results of questionnaires.
To me this just highlights how artificial this online dating malarkey really is. You can't expect to find someone who meets your own specific list of criteria as easily as if you were choosing groceries in Tesco. | |
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