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Posted: 6/17/2009 2:18:55 PM | I have been seeing my boyfriend for about a year. We have had some problems, and generally, when we do he likes to have a few days of no contact with me. That is sooooo hard for me becuase my nature is to talk things out. I have not always been the best at respecting that wish, but I am trying to do better.
However, this last time and this latest rough patch has been the worst. I really feel like there is no hope, even though I felt very committed to this person and felt he was the one. We were very different, but I believed that he truly respected and cared about me. He has stayed with me longer than any other girl except one, and that was under special circumstances.
Here lately, he has stood me up (he says not, I say yes....misunderstanding?), Has seemed very wishy washy about whether he wants to continue with me or not, and I think that he might be making contact with other women. I do not believe he has cheated, but that he may be looking.
Now, I realize that I could pull the plug and that I probably should. However, all of us that have been in this boat before know how hard it is to do that when you still have hope. Many of you might wonder why I would even want him. Becuase, before this, he acted like he really cared and was very good to me. We usually would disagree about his drinking, but that is mainly becuase I am a teetotaler and he likes to drink a little too much to my way of thinking.
I would like to hear opinions....Thanks.... | |
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Posted: 6/17/2009 6:38:40 PM | You won't like hearing this, but that problem of communication or lack thereof will never go away, regardless of how much you change, from your description he seems unwilling to compromise, and relationships dont work one way.
He is definitely fishing, which is why he's blowing you off. It's time to ditch his scummy ass.
You are unhappy and making excuses, basically making yourself believe there is more there than actually exists. There isn't hope, and things won't get better unless you are both willing to work on it, which doesn't seem to be the case. You will only make yourself more miserable. | |
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Posted: 6/17/2009 9:29:47 PM | This person that " party's " too much means that you don't care for that way of life. And that he's not willing to change his ways because of you? Guess what...you can talk til your "blue in the face ",and it wouldn't change a simple thing. Get over this party fool and get another one who enjoys your words,attention, and wants to face life with you sober. Everyone is allowed the happiness that only two care share. If his eyes a searching...the rest of him wouldn't be far behind. You see the problem...act on advise from others here.
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Posted: 6/17/2009 9:45:58 PM | | i think theres alot more blokes out there that would kill 2 meet sum1 with such qualitys. dont run after him, hell come back iff he loves you. | |
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Posted: 6/18/2009 12:15:07 AM | I agree with the other posters.... If he has a drinking problem in your opinion, and won't give it up, you need to leave, that situation never ends well, usually he ends up getting smashed, and abusing you... maybe not hitting you, but making you feel bad about yourself is still abuse...
fighting is one thing, it happens, it can be resolved and you can move on, but if its continual, and he won't make a simple change like cutting back on the alcohol.... dump his no good ass and find a guy who is going to be there for you....I think you should leave him and I think afterward you'll realize it was a good decision.
just my 2 cents, hope whatever you decide works out for you. | |
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Posted: 6/18/2009 7:55:09 AM | | ^^^^ I'm with the men above. You are faced with the prospect of being alone. It is scary to be alone when you had hopes to share your life with someone special. That someone special after awhile of fooling ourselves becomes just a figment of our imagination and really has nothing to do with the actual 3D person who you end up sometimes having sex with. You deserve better. We all do! Peace. | |
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Posted: 6/18/2009 8:35:36 AM | This describes what my situation was exactly! Unfortunately we ended up breaking up! Sadly I dont know what advice to say to you since my situation turned out badly but if you ever need to talk or vent to someone you can email me! Sometimes thats what I needed most.. was someone to complain/cry to!
Best wishes | |
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Posted: 6/18/2009 8:54:33 AM | Thank you so much for your kind replies. It is strange, I guess, sharing your intimate secrets over the internet, but there are times when you just have to talk to someone. And sometimes, people that don't know you can be more objective. I hate feeling broken hearted. My mind is constantly on the situation (which I hate becuase I have a wonderful little boy who needs a worry free mom). But you are right. I truly believed that this man cherished me and found me different from others of the past. I believed we could work on things and come to a happy medium. Now, I just don't know. It is hard to have your heart run through a meat shredder......
Anyway, thanks so much everyone. Keep replying...I will keep reading. And, I may just accept that crying on the shoulder offer....So if you get a strange e-mail, it is me...haha | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 7:12:14 PM | It is me again. The OP. Looking back on the relationship, I see many things that I did wrong. Not to say he was perfect, but I am learning at almost 38 (too old to learn new tricks) to focus on what I need to change and not what others need to change. I can see how some of my actions may have caused him to feel like I was trying to force him to do things my way. I never even thought about it that way until now. However, we have not yet had the final break up talk, but I can see the train coming through the tunnel and headed straight for me.
I want to tell him all these things, but I am not going to beg him to stay. It will hurt for awhile, but what do you do? Hogtie somebody and make them stay? No. Why would you want to. I have done a little clingy behavior which I wish I could take back. But, I can't now. I have even been a text message terrorist sometimes with him....All that was the wrong move.....Anyway, we have not had the final talk yet. Any suggestions??? | |
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Posted: 6/21/2009 8:06:03 AM | I am in a similar situation. We kept on having the break up talk and he was wishy washy. Kept on saying he didn't know what to do about us. I finally pulled the plug. I realized that if he wasn't fully committed to me, then I will never feel safe with him. I'll always be wondering what he's thinking, I'll read into stuff- it just won't be good. So I said I'd make it easy for him- there is no longer an us. And not friends either. He likes being with me and talking to me- but is scared of the commitment part.
Friends is too hard for me and if he isn't prepared to take a step forward, then why would I give him all the benefits of me with no commitment. So it's hard and I wish it weren't so, but I'm worth more than second best. So are you. | |
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Posted: 6/21/2009 8:51:10 AM | | Well, trustediva, i may just do that. He was supposed to get in touch with me this weekend (per word of a mutual friend), and here it is Sunday morning and I have heard not a peep. I think he is dreading the break up talk, thinking I will cry and beg and plead. He has another thought coming. I am going to remain cool, calm and collected. That will shock his socks off.....even a friend of his says he kind of sees me as "old faithful" ----- huh...... in other words, I will keep taking whatever he dishes. Well, I love him but I am not going to be a doormat.....You are right...I do deserve better!!! | |
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Posted: 6/21/2009 9:32:34 AM | | Gardener girl: I was calm, cool and collected too. Then after had a rough day and had so see him later on for a specific thing. Big mistake- I started to cry. So my two cents. Better off being distant if you think the calm thing is risky for you. And if it isn't, let him see you as a strong woman. And then cry after! It's hard, I know. But one day at a time. If you have to, one hour at a time. Step by step. | |
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Posted: 6/21/2009 10:24:32 AM | | You are so right. I went to church this morning. Missed him sitting beside me. We were very different but I thought that he really treasured me if that makes sense. However, he is 38, never been married, and I think that was a factor as well. I have not heard a word from him. Of course, if this continues on, I will break things off I guess becuase what other choice do I have? He still has some things here (over a year, stuff accumulaltes), but I am not going to contact him unless it is to seal the deal. I really think he does not know what he wants to do. As you said.....wishy washy....Well, I will keep you posted. | |
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