| so I could use some advice...
Posted: 6/19/2009 9:31:31 PM | I've been alone, not single (single people still date) for 29 years out of my 29 years on this earth. I had gone out with a few girls but it never went past seeing them the 1st or 2nd time. I was happy and alone and wanted to keep it that way for a lot of reasons. I wanted this until this girl swept me off my feet and had an amazing connection with her and it ended less than 3 weeks later. I got "forced/volunteered" to go with her to a Rockies game. One day at work, close to closing time, she came in to talk with a coworker of mine and she was complaining that she didn't have anyone to go with to use her free tickets to the game. Faster than you can imagine boss overheard and said that I'd go with her. I figured I'd go just for the experience of seeing a pro baseball game and having a bratwurst smothered in sauerkraut. I really didn't want anything to happen but we couldn't stop talking and laughing all night. Barely even saw any of the game or the ball that almost took my head off. I was in total shock and awe after we parted ways and I realized that I really wanted to see her again which I did a handful of times over a 2 week period. Things seemed great. I knew that she was recently divorced and since I'm upfront and open, I asked her if she saw it going further than a friendship and she said yes. I saw her twice more and then it was over. According to her and unfortunately for me, I met her too soon after her divorce and she's scared to get into any kind of relationship right now. I have no idea what feelings she went through from her divorce so I have no reason to doubt her. That was about 3 weeks ago. I went from being happy and alone to unhappy and lonely...And worst of all...I can't stop thinking about her. wtf is up with that. I kinda just hope that something will happen and either I get over this and get back to my old self or I meet someone that makes me feel like she did.....or best of all, she comes back...Yeah...Maybe I'm a little too optimistic but that's just how I am.
So that's about as short as I could make it...Should I even try to keep anything going with her? She says she still wants to be friends but I've had friends who have told me exactly what that usually means. Part of me wants to stay friends in hopes that when she's ready she'll tell me and things will be great again. I'm afraid that if we do stay friends then I'll just like her more and more and then when it doesn't go anywhere I'll be hurting like hell. | |
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| so I could use some advice...
Posted: 6/19/2009 10:12:21 PM | I wouldn't advise being 'just friends', because you'll always have that hope in the back of your mind that one day she'll give you the green light for a relationship. She will be fully aware that this is what you want, too.
You say you went from being happy and alone to being unhappy and lonely.....that's normal for this situation--you didn't know what you were missing before and now you do: companionship, those great feelings you get being with someone you really like, etc. When it's gone, it leaves a hole.
You're a good looking guy, seem to be nice too--I suggest you get out and meet other girls--girls that don't have baggage dragging them down.
Believe her when she tells you she isn't ready--she's doing you a favor and probably from preventing you some major heartbreak down the road if she allowed you to get further enmeshed in the relationship before breaking it off.
Good luck to you..... | |
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Posted: 6/19/2009 10:21:36 PM | I would highly recommend against jumping into the "friend zone."
When almost all people exit the "friend zone" they become former or old friends and not lovers.
This has been my experience and observation | |
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Posted: 6/19/2009 11:05:24 PM | Being just friends WILL NOT WORK. You have way too strong emotional feelings for her to just be friends. As a woman who has been married 4 times divorced 3 times, now living alone, after 15 years of marrage to a man who just left me, said he hates me has hated me for 15 years. The best advice I could give you would be to DATE other women. Do not start out with expectations of marrage. If you find a woman and you both feel strongly for each other, then go for it.
But there is no reason you should SIT AROUND waiting for this woman.
As a divorced woman myself I can tell you EXACTLY what that woman is feeling. She is STILL in love with her X husband and still hoping they will get back together. for her you were a plesant distraction, but in the back of her mind Her X will come back to her.
I would not hold out a lot of hope for her If I were you.
I am sorry to put it so blunt dear, but that is just how it is.;
Date other women, no reason to stay home all alone. | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 5:28:32 AM | Now you know what "Dating" is....
Unfortunately, you found a gal who is on the rebound....it's best that she KNOWS this..
Some rebounders keep you hanging ...fall in love with them...and then bails out..
It's time to be more aggressive in "dating"....just getting the idea that you can have friends without all the entanglements of sex/love...
Find Female friends first...don't go for the gusto...yet. good luck | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 6:19:56 AM | Well, my good man, it sounds like you have indeed been snatched up and pulled through the one-way door of jenuine love by the scruff of the neck and then left ghasping for breath alone on the far side. Take it from me; You got off lucky. She made her decision sooner rather than later. It hurts even worse after you build up enough trust and love to think seriously over a long time about marriage and then get dumped. I can personally vouch for how absolutely gutted that leaves you feeling.
I'll start by giving you the bad news. That's how us men are supposed to face adverse circumstances like this, right? The longing for that kind of companionship will likely never go away completely. There'll always be a part of you that feels like you're missing something very important in life. Once we've tasted love, it changes us for keeps.
On the plus-side though, things do get better. Time does eventually do a pretty cracking good job even if it doesn't heal all wounds. You'll be able to catch your breath and pick yourself up off the ground. You'll start to enjoy life as a single person again even without that sadly missing piece to the puzzle. I've had to do that twice now. I can't say the second time was any easier or less painful than the first. It was just different. You eventually kind of hit rock bottom emotionally and realise that the only thing to do is get hold of your sense of self-worth again. Friends and hobbies can be very helpful with this. Hang in there. Things will get better. | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 6:40:06 AM | These forums can be so helpful at times. I'm going through a similar situation myself and believe me, I know what you are feeling. I've never been lonely either and I've been in many relationships. I met a man on this site and finally realized what had been missing all my dating (and even married) life. We had a bit longer relationship that you and yours did and all I can offer by way of consolation is that - and I'm not really speaking from any kind of experience because it just ended and I don't know if I'll ever find love like that again - is that at least now you know what you want in a companion. Maybe you never knew what you were looking for all these years and now you can go forward and look with that in mind.
I kind of agree that maybe she wasn't 100% over her ex-husband - again I can't speak from experience and how she is feeling because I was 100% over mine many years before I even left.
You could check in with her from time to time, but don't see her in a friendship situation for your own sanity's sake. Just casually give her a call every couple of months to show that you care if you get the vibe that she likes hearing from you. I feel bad for you, I really do. I have the same hole in my life now and it does hurt like hell. I wish you good luck and love. | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 6:30:37 PM | Thanks for the comments everybody...
To Countrygrl and Hughbaugher: I told her that I can't be friends because I'm afraid that I won't be able to help but like her more and more.
To Peggy: I have no thoughts of marriage. This is new to me so I just take things day to day. I guess I just want someone that I have that connection with and hopefully it will last longer than 3 weeks. lol Baby steps right?
To My2cntsin: I am grateful that she ended it early. I even thanked her for that. As far as the "female friends first" comment. I have a handful of close female friends. I've been bugging them about this also. :) It's nice to get a woman's perspective.
To Michael Feir: To the comment, "Once we've tasted love, it changes us for keeps." This can be a very good thing then. :)
And the other comment, " You eventually kind of hit rock bottom emotionally and realise that the only thing to do is get hold of your sense of self-worth again. Friends and hobbies can be very helpful with this." I don't think this really bothered my sense of self-worth. I'm a very confident person. I don't know about me being a good looking guy or anything but I know that I'm smart, talented at everything I do and a damn nice person. More than anything, I'm just really bummed that it had to end when there seemed to be such a strong connection. It felt like I lost a close friend. If she had verbally attacked me somehow then it might have bothered me and made me question myself a little but even then, I know who I am. As far as the hobbies go...Lucky for me that 29 years by yourself leaves you a lot of time to pick up and get good at a lot of different hobbies. :)
To Insert Clever Line Here: I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I will keep in touch with her from time to time but I need to wait for a good while before I do/can. I need to get her off my mind first. Don't feel bad for me please. If anything, be happy for me. She woke something up in me that I didn't even know existed. I may feel like crap now but there's always tomorrow!
To everybody: Thanks again for the comments. It is nice to have somewhere to go to get a pretty quick response by different people with different perspectives. All of my close friends are a few states away so I don't get to talk to them too often and I'm always left hanging until I hear from them again. | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 6:35:50 PM | It's up to you..do you want to drag it out and wait for the "hope" of a relationship or make a clean break?
I can relate to her feelings, and recently went through the same thing, and I can tell when you go through a divorce and you aren't over it, it isn't fair to drag someones heart through the fire with you while you go through all of the steps you have to go through before you are ready to set out and love again..perhaps that was the nicest thing she could have done for you.
Sounds like the girl doesn't know what she wants yet. Good luck with whichever choice and let us know k? | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 10:33:14 PM | Thanks for the comment...I made up my mind.
The post above yours mentions it. I told her I can't be friends. Wish I could have met her a few months later. lol Live and learn I guess...I knew that she was recently divorced and just didn't even think that there would be a problem. I won't make that mistake again unless I walk into it blindly. | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 10:56:57 PM | good for you man. when you find out first hand that some one is coming out of a long term relationship. the next person they date. is a rebound person. it never lasts. once you notice the signs of a person on the rebound. you will learn not to date them.. just hang in there man. datings hard. remember the 3 rules of knowing who to date.
1. never date a coworker, you will loose your job if your not careful.
2. never date the girl next door or down the street, it doesn't matter how far down the street. or how attracted you are to her. she will always know when your home. you'll never get any rest.
3. and never date anyone your family recomends. especially the other single guys in your family. rule of thumb. if she was really that good of a person. they would be dating her. and that's a fact.. | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 11:10:09 PM | There is a lot of good advise in this thread! In the end all you can do is be true to yourself. Live you rlife as normally as possible. Best of luck and thank you for the post. All the replies have actually helped me.  | |
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| so I could use some advice...
Posted: 6/21/2009 5:51:41 AM | Almost a year ago my husband and I seperated,it took months to stop crying and a couple more to even consider dating..seperation isn't easy and it takes alot of time to adjust to being alone...I have just in the last month started dating but I have no intentions other than just having a special friend to hang with from time to time...Even now I know that I am not ready to have a long term love relationship...but, I have found a decent man to share some time with a day or two a week ...POF is where he found me and I like that he is 2 hours away...in short she knows herself and its best to just let go and move forward...being friends at this point will most likely increase your feelings for her...so move on.....barefootncrazy.... | |
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Posted: 6/21/2009 1:57:57 PM | I will relay the advice I read in a book( think it was the rules) but it is very valid. If you are having a hard time getting over her or if seeing her as a friend will hurt you DON'T DO IT. Go 60 days without any contact to allow yourself to get over her. When my ex came to the house to pick up the kids, I hid in a bedroom. It is too painful to be exposed to them while you are still hurting. It will hurt less with time.
60 days no contact - write it on the calendar. | |
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