| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 1:09:33 PM | | My friend's sister has a 13 year old son whom she has brought up on her own until she recently met someone and has moved in with him and her son. The teenage son thinks his father is doesn't want to know him but the father doesn't even know he has a son. My friend's sister was in an abusive and violent relationship with the father for six months and when she split up with him she discovered she was pregnant, decided to keep the baby but also decided not to tell him as she doesn't want him in her life and said she would fear for the safety of her child as well as her own. Do you think the father has a right to know he has a son.....even though you know something about his history? | |
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 1:14:55 PM | | I think she should probably tell the son when he is mature enough to understand the situation, then allow him to decide whether or not he wants to meet his dad. | |
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 1:16:51 PM | | At some point children have a legal right to know - I know that, but don't know (without looking it up) at what age that happens. Your friend's sister has one choice - whether she tells him or whether she lets him find out. I can't imagine that at some point he won't want to know. If she doesn't tell him the story he might just end up getting in touch with the father without having her perspective first. | |
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 1:17:20 PM | Without knowing more of the situation all I can say is that I believe that the safety of the woman and the child have to come first. Then again you could tell the child and let the child make up his own mind as to whether he wants to see his dad. By telling you risk a massive can of worms being opened up. Not telling means you need to carry around the secret and there might come a time where the child wants to go looking. I don't envy her, but her sons safety is the main issue in all this, as is hers.
I think kids only have a legal right to know if they have been adopted. If the dads name isn't on his birth certificate and the mum doesn't say anything, it's going to be hard to track him down. | |
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 1:21:36 PM |
Do you think the father has a right to know he has a son.....even though you know something about his history?
No. However, I do think the son has a right to know but only once he's a bit older, then it's up to him whether he wants to contact his dad or not. | |
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 1:22:19 PM | Thats such a difficult one.
I don't know how violent the father is in this case, or whether he would be a good dad but these things have a habit of coming out into the open when you least expect it. It's probably a good idea for her to sit her son down and tell him the whole story and explain why she chose not to expose him to a volatile man in a calm manner.
The father does have a right to know about his son although the lad is now of an age where he can make the choice about whether he wants to have contact with him or not.
I don't envy her the position she is in but it's one she has created for herself. I hope her son doesn't hate her for it. | |
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 1:32:07 PM | | I would not want him to have contact and potentially get involved with a violent man who is more than likely situated in a violent environment. But like some have said wait until the son is old enough to understand and leave him tomake the choice for himself. | |
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 1:34:42 PM | | Well if she hasnt told her son about his father then she must have her reasons and if he was violent then maybe thats the main one, but it also may be that she has let it go on so long that she doesnt know how to tell him now. | |
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 1:41:13 PM | At some point children have a legal right to know
There is no legal right under UK law to know who your biological father is, no matter what the age of the child.
And that's the way it should be.
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 1:55:15 PM | | I guess it will also come as a shock to the father if or when he finds out he has a son he knew nothing about. I agree that I can't imagine the son not wanting to find out more about his father and I think his mum is too ashamed to tell him the truth about his father...although I don't think there is any reason for her to feel this way but it's as though she is trying to sweep it all under the carpet which is probably the worst thing she could do. She hasn't even told her new partner the truth about the boy's father. | |
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 2:15:28 PM | SANTOKI
I am 39 years old and my mother refuses to tell me who my father is
trust me,it shouldnt be that way
i feel like a chunk of me is missing and a part of my life will always be a vacuum
it should never be that way | |
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 2:28:23 PM | SANTOKI
I am 39 years old and my mother refuses to tell me who my father is
trust me,it shouldnt be that way
If you've never known your father he's just a random stranger who has no more interest in you than someone walking down the street. Just because you may want to know who he is, doesn't mean he is interested in getting to know you.
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 2:46:02 PM | that may be true,if he knows!!!
what i am saying is the child has the right to know,and so does the father,
then if either or both of them dont want to be interested that is their decision
it isnt for the mother to make that decision for them | |
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HenXX
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Joined: 6/16/2009
Msg: 14 | |
| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 2:48:05 PM | | Age 13 is a difficult time as it is,so to be told within the next few years could do more damage than good.I personally would want my son to know and if not before these tender years,certainly after.I know that men who are violent towards their wives are generally violent towards their kids but it is not always the case. | |
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Travan
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Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 15 | |
| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 2:57:05 PM | When dealing with 'rights' it's always difficult cos they're not cut and dried.
Usually a father would have a right to know if he had a child, but by abusing the mother of that child he's given some of his rights away by abusing her rights to expect a non-violent relationship.
You could say the child has a right to know his father, but then does that ride roughshod over the mothers' right to keep the childs father firmly hidden in history where he belongs?
Where does the childs rights to know his father meet with the mother's rights to keeping private her life and history?
I reckon this one is actually straightforward. The OP posed the question does the father have a right to know he has a son and no, in this instance I don't think he does. | |
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 3:02:29 PM |
what i am saying is the child has the right to know,and so does the father,
And if the child is the result of a rape ?
Or, if the child was the result of a drunken one night shag?
Or, the mother was desperate for a child and used a sperm donor?
All the child needs to know is that they have one parent who loves them, regardless of their origins IMO | |
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 3:14:11 PM | It is difficult. I don't think at 13 he is emotionally mature enough to be given the whole story. Should she tell him? Up to her I reckon, she is the only one who can really judge the situation.
A friend of mine doesn't know who her father is, her mother kept schtum until she died.
My friend doesn't feel for the lack of a father because her mum remarried a lovely, lovely man.
Like CK says, as long as the child is secure in the love of one parent, he's doing alright. | |
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 3:23:10 PM | And if the child is the result of a rape ?
Or, if the child was the result of a drunken one night shag?
Or, the mother was desperate for a child and used a sperm donor?
All the child needs to know is that they have one parent who loves them, regardless of their origins IMO
By all means protect them from the truth when they are young but when you consider they are old enough to understand I think they should be told the facts and let them make up their own mind about what they want to do with the information. If you don't or they find out you've been lying or denied them the information they seek I think they will have trust issues to deal with when they get older IMO. | |
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 3:44:22 PM | NO I don't think the sperm donor in question has a right to know he has a son and I think the mother is doing what she thinks is best to protect him from the truth.
My eldest son has never known his father, it was a very brief marriage but I have always been honest about it. I told him his father wasn't a bad person, we were just too young and getting married was a mistake. The full story is his father chose not to be involved in his life but I don't want to tell him that. My son is now 21 and hasn't even mentioned his father since he was a small boy.
My youngest son's father was extremely violent and abusive, he even threatened the children when we split up. My son hasn't seen his father since he was 2yrs old as he couldn't keep to the visitation schedule. Not having a father has bothered him more than my other son but what can I tell him, you're father's a psycho? I've managed to skirt around the issue but now he is 16 so if he asks me I will have to tell him the truth. I won't let his father within a 100 miles of him, he f*cked my head up good and he's not doing it to my child!
At the end of the day what benefit is there for this boy? | |
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 4:09:38 PM |
I think it's far worse to deprive a child of knowing their parent than to imagine you are protecting that child by not speaking about their father and denying the father access
So you think placing your child potentially in harm's way is the right thing to do? | |
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/21/2009 4:26:01 PM |
I think it's far worse to deprive a child of knowing their parent than to imagine you are protecting that child by not speaking about their father and denying the father access. I think a mother does not have that right at all and some mothers on here need to do some deep soul searching if they really think that it is acceptable
It is natural for a mother to want to protect her child from harm and offer them a stable home life. I don't think she has to speak about their father until and if her child starts to ask her constant questions about him and then she only needs to answer when she thinks that child is emotionally ready to hear it and if she feels that her child is at risk because he's been violent towards her/them then she has every right to deny the father access. | |
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 6/24/2009 6:53:39 PM |
Do you think the father has a right to know he has a son.....even though you know something about his history?
I think the father has a right to be told he is a father, but not sure how you would let him know after all this time. The violence that was an issue back between the mother and father 13 years ago when the lad was concieved might not be a problem anymore. But there are no gaurantees of this and for that reason I would look at the childs well being first. Also long term I would ask myself, what would the child gain from this relationship being rekindled and am I putting him at risk of being rejected?
And I also think that if such men were so bad, what on earth were you doing having children with them in the first place?
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, I am sure many of us would love to have a time machine  | |
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| Moral Dilemma - she should tell him or not?
Posted: 10/1/2009 5:52:38 AM | | As none of us know all the facts we should not really make judgements but it seems the boy has asked about his father so his mother must have told him a lie. To me that is the biggest mistake. | |
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