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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/21/2009 7:06:00 PM | I started to post this in the love and dating advice Forum, but since I'm over 45 and did not want those from the younger generations to pounce on this, as I think their views are different now a days. So I decided to ask my questions here among the more experienced and mature.
I hate this whole dating thing, but realize it's part of what we have to go through to meet the one we are looking for, for what I want, long term.
My profile makes no bones about exactly what I am looking for.
Please help me sort out some thoughts I have about meeting on line and how to conduct ourselves when we might be either seeing or at least talking to someone that we are interested in, and they are interested in you.
This whole dating thing is new to me since having my heart ripped out a few months ago. So what are the rules? What is proper and how do you handle seeing more then one woman at a time? That alone is not my style and I did get caught up in doing exactly that.
My first date back in March was a 125 mile drive. Had lunch talked for 3 hours and although I enjoyed meeting her, nice woman and all that, I clearly did not see any chemistry either way. So that was a first and last date with no reason to see her again. Then a couple of meetings that were even less then what I had hoped for and not even fun. Those to were long distance but within a couple of hours drive.
Then I met a woman 210 miles away. at her suggestion, she drove half way and I drove half way. Had a really great day with her. Definitely some mutual interest and we planned on the next time. I won't call it chemistry, just great potential.
In the mean time, we talked on the phone almost daily, sent cards and emails back and forth. All this time we never talked about taking the relationship further.
We both agreed that due to the distance, the economy and her definitely not moving away from her home and ranch, that we'd take it very slow. The next date, I drove to her town and we had a great afternoon together. No intimacy or talk of commitment. Yet she is like me and wants nothing but a long term relationship.
So first lesson I learned is to not look beyond my own local area. I want to see a woman more then once a week on my day off. lol
Next I get a message from someone very local. She said we might have been cut from the same cloth after reading my profile. A few emails and then phone calls and we planned to meet. I was very taken with her. It seemed very mutual. That chemistry thing was there....for the both if us.
But it bothered me to think of what I was doing....still talking to the first one and now seeing someone else. Remember, never any words about being exclusive or any commitment. Yet I felt guilty.
So I wrote her a letter and told her that I met someone I want to see locally. I had fear of hurting her or at minimum, disappointing her. From her nice but very brief response, I think I did hurt her. Even though she wished me luck and said she hoped this woman was the one... and that I'm a great catch, I sensed a hurt or disappointment. I have no clue as to how much emotion she invested in what we started. But honestly, I never wanted to hurt her or any woman... not even the slightest. Call me to sensitive, or to concerned... but that's just the way I am.
So I at least felt better by being honest and not seeing the second woman without even mentioning it to the first as some of my friends suggested I do, since no words were ever exchanged about being exclusive or committed to each other.
Since dating the recent woman and enjoying getting to know each other, we have talked about when and if we will be exclusive.
First, when and "if" we do become intimate, then we will be exclusive. We also agreed to delete our profiles here and on any other dating sites we might be on. (I have already done that with all but POF)
So tell me, am I doing this right? Did I do the right thing? Or is it OK to date more then one woman at a time until there is either intimacy or a verbal agreement to be exclusive? Or is this something that needs to be discussed upon meeting for the first or second time? | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/21/2009 7:14:13 PM | HI
To me it is the communication that the 2 of you decide on. If you have just met, and are trying it out, then there is not a relationship yet. You are interviewing each other.
Until you both decide to be exclusive, it is open.
I am sure the other lady was hurt a little. But with your honesty and openness with her, I am sure she will understand. After all it is dating..no guarantees.
Lbiker | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/21/2009 7:24:32 PM |
So tell me, am I doing this right? Did I do the right thing?
I don't think 90% of men on dating sites put as much thought into such things as you have and sounds to me you've done nothing "wrong." I don't know if there is a "right" in that kind of situation but you certainly went above and beyond what many seem to do and that is, really care about what you're doing and how it will affect others. Best of luck to you.
Or is it OK to date more then one woman at a time until there is either intimacy or a verbal agreement to be exclusive? Or is this something that needs to be discussed upon meeting for the first or second time?
Yes, it's OK.. until it's discussed and there's a verbal agreement. You did nothing wrong. If you invested a lot emotionally and made promises to one person and then dated someone else that caused you to break those promises that's different. Maybe you made "inferences" of exclusivity and commitment to the long-distance person and you both discussed how that's what you both want... but avoided discussing whether you would have that with each other. That can cause misunderstandings and create false hope, obviously, so if she had hope it would go further with you it's understandable she'd be disappointed... sounds like you had hope too but just realized the long-distance things wasn't practical for you. | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/21/2009 7:25:02 PM | OP, there are no formal "external" rules. For me, though, I won't continue to see someone, who is seeing other men, nor will I distract my focus by seeing more than one woman simultaneously.
I am not going to have "the talk" about exclusivity. It is what it is. I don't think you can develop anything worth having, if you're in a process of a "mass interview", and I won't participate in one. | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/21/2009 7:45:56 PM |
Maybe you made "inferences" of exclusivity and commitment to the long-distance person and you both discussed how that's what you both want... but avoided discussing whether you would have that with each other. That can cause misunderstandings and create false hope, obviously, so if she had hope it would go further with you it's understandable she'd be disappointed... sounds like you had hope too but just realized the long-distance things wasn't practical for you.
Thank you Mme Leona
Maybe that was one of the issues as well as the distance. It almost felt like she wanted to avoid any talk about any future for us. Perhaps the distance bothered her as much as it did me. Our daily talks were about anything but a relationship. Just how was your day and what's new type talks. I never got a sense of how she felt. I never hinted or made inferences of exclusivity.
Thank you for your thoughts Lbiker.
renissanceman50,
As I said, I never did this multiple dating thing and never wanted to. Just happened as maybe the casual relationship I had with the first woman seemed to be stagnated and going nowhere for either of us.
Like you, if a woman is seeing others, I'm out of there. I don't share well and not into the competition thing for a woman's time or affection. And I don't want a woman to think she has to compete for my attention either. I guess it depends on what stage of getting to know one another we are at. Just emails, then phone calls, then the first meet and then the dated that follow. So how soon do we let it be known that we are ready to see them and only them if they agree to the same? Don't want to seem to anxious or needy, but there is a time to commit. | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/21/2009 7:55:14 PM |
So how soon do we let it be known that we are ready to see them and only them if they agree to the same? Don't want to seem to anxious or needy, but there is a time to commit.
OP, it's an individual decision. A couple of times, I have made the mistake of having more than one date with someone, where we didn't strongly "connect" on the first date. Those never went anywhere. It sounds like you were in one of those, in which case, you were just seeing her, cuz there wasn't any strong connection going on in your life right then.
So, for me, first meets either have a lot of chemistry, or I usually just let things go. If there is a strong sense of chemistry, it's not going to develop, if either of us is simultanously be seeing others.
That's what works for me, though, OP. Others will see it differently. I just know that I won't participate, if she's seeing other men, and I won't see other women, if I feel chemistry with someone I've met. | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/21/2009 8:56:10 PM | So tell me, am I doing this right? Did I do the right thing?
I don't think 90% of men on dating sites put as much thought into such things as you have and sounds to me you've done nothing "wrong." I don't know if there is a "right" in that kind of situation but you certainly went above and beyond what many seem to do and that is, really care about what you're doing and how it will affect others. Best of luck to you.
...I agree with Leona, you were quite honest and up front the way you handled the situation and plus, there has been no commitment from either of you. And I am sure the lady appreciated that fact, I know I would have.
As a matter of fact, I recently went out with a fellow from this site a few times, he told me right off he bat that he had another female friend that he sees ocassionally. I have no problem with that, as far as I'm concerned we are still in the 'friends zone'
...maeflowers
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/21/2009 9:14:38 PM | | I think you did the right thing. You wanted someone closer to home and actually had more chemistry with her. You were honest with the other woman. You can't ask for much more than that. Sometimes decisions hurt. After a couple of dates, I think the pain would be a lot less than it would be if you strung her along for months. | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/21/2009 9:51:50 PM | Even when there is a hope of a relationship, chances are someone will be disappointed.
There is just no way to avoid it, as rejection hurts. You were honest and upfront about your actions, and did everything the right way imho. | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/21/2009 11:14:49 PM | OP I can't see more than one at a time. I always felt dating one person at a time was the right way to do it because I gave this person my best shot. I always emailed and talked on the phone to make sure I was on the same page with the man I would go out with. If he was seeing someone else, he could let me know when he wasn't. I don't compete and I feel like dating someone that is seeing others is like competing. Other people date more than one person and don't get them confused and don't feel guilt etc. That is how they do it. I think you need to be true to your feelings and do what you are comfortable with. It sounds like you are communicating well, so you shouldn't have any problems. Have fun | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 7:07:23 AM | gent said: Since dating the recent woman and enjoying getting to know each other, we have talked about when and if we will be exclusive.
First off I love this thread.. I think it is a subject that has to be addressed when you are casually dating someone. I recently dated a gentleman and I was upfront that this was only our first date and that I had no problem if he dated others.. You cannot possibly know that this person is one you might want to pursue an intimate relationship with in the future after one date???????
I see nothing wrong with being upfront and dating a few different people, as long as it is kept casual. Like you if I ever become involved in an intimate relationship with someone they would no longer have their profile on a dating site..
Making assumptions about being exclusive is always a mistake.. You are not exclusive until both of you have discussed this. I also do not think it is something you want to decide on very fast..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 7:24:52 AM |
Making assumptions about being exclusive is always a mistake.. You are not exclusive until both of you have discussed this. I also do not think it is something you want to decide on very fast..
I've never had a "talk" about "exclusivity", since I was 16, and asked a girl to "go steady". I've never needed to. When there is a strong connection, there's a lot of communication that is going on at different times of day, and usually, you are either with each other most nights, or talking on the phone. You don't have to "snoop" to "figure it out", if she isn't available on Saturday night, or isn't answering the phone or text messages at night.
Of course, I don't often continue to see someone, if there isn't strong chemistry on a first meeting, and chemistry is only there, when it's flowing in both directions. When there is that sort of chemistry, I have no desire to see anyone else, and I haven't ever had a new relationship, where she did either.
Some people date "casually", and think that they can develop a strong connections "eventually" over time. That's never worked for me, but it may for others. It sounds like the OP, and a number of other posters, are more like I am, which is to give it your all with one person at a time. If it doesn't work out, the "others" are always "out there". | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 7:27:11 AM | Maybe I should have had this talk with the first lady I dated. As the catsmeoww said, "never make assumptions about being exclusive." Perhaps it's time to talk about it is as soon as you see a mutual attraction at any level.
But I also think if a guy tells a woman he is... or "might" be dating others, he will come off as a player. The percentage of men who are make it difficult for those of us that are not.
Like I said, I hate this whole dating process for fear of hurting a woman or even being hurt myself. Let's face it, no one likes rejection or being played or used.
Thanks to all of you, for all the insight on the modern rules of dating.
Like my profile says about why I'm here at POF, " I'm only here to get out of here"
But in the mean time, I do enjoy the Forums. | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 7:35:50 AM | Ren said :I 've never had a "talk" about "exclusivity", since I was 16, and asked a girl to "go steady". I've never needed to. When there is a strong connection, there's a lot of communication that is going on at different times of day, and usually, you are either with each other most nights, or talking on the phone. You don't have to "snoop" to "figure it out", if she isn't available on Saturday night, or isn't answering the phone or text messages at night.
Oh usually when casually dating you do not have this intense a communication, or see them all that often at all. It may well be 9 or 10 days before you see them again.. You might drop them an email once a day a line or two but no chatting on the phone for hours either..
It is less intense than what you are describing..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 7:36:37 AM |
OP I can't see more than one at a time. I always felt dating one person at a time was the right way to do it because I gave this person my best shot. I always emailed and talked on the phone to make sure I was on the same page with the man I would go out with. If he was seeing someone else, he could let me know when he wasn't.
My feeling exactly. I've said before, as far as I'm concerned dating now, whether meeting someone on line or off, my rules are the same. Once I've done the "meet and greet," and agreed to a date, since I'm not a multi-tasker, I state that to anyone else I'm communicating with. If they want to check back to see if it worked out, that's ok.
Before it gets to considering intimacy, it's already established that I want exclusivity. If that's not ok, then we'll be parting ways. No harm no foul.
 
. | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 7:37:37 AM | gent said: But I also think if a guy tells a woman he is... or "might" be dating others, he will come off as a player.
Not unless he is sleeping with these women. A player is one that beds many women at the same time.. What I am speaking about is casual dating no going to bed with anyone.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 8:27:20 AM |
Oh usually when casually dating you do not have this intense a communication, or see them all that often at all. It may well be 9 or 10 days before you see them again.. You might drop them an email once a day a line or two but no chatting on the phone for hours either..
It is less intense than what you are describing..
Different strokes for different folks, I guess. I've tried the sort of "casual" dating that you choose for your dating style, and it's been about as much "fun" as going to the dentist. My "comfort" zone in dating is to only date, when there is a strong sense of "connection" one on one. I sense that the OP prefers that also. | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 8:29:07 AM | Wow......
Lucky you! You found more than one woman to date 
Remember, the ladies that you meet may also be "multitasking"! 
I believe the rule should include being upfront, asking the right questions and being clear about your position. | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 8:30:44 AM | Hi I am Ginny said: Once I've done the "meet and greet," and agreed to a date, since I'm not a multi-tasker, I state that to anyone else I'm communicating with.
So basically what you are saying is you are making a commitment to be exclusively dating just this person after the first cup of coffee??
thecatsmeoww | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 8:33:48 AM | getting your heart ripped out musta been kinda messy, but seems you are doing ok now. to me you need to communicate up front what you want to do. if you were planning on meeting a local gal you should have told your long distance friend first and then seen her reaction. most likely you were right in stating that it was a hurtful thing for her. i had a similar situation here in the pond with a gal with whom i hit it off but her ties to her family are keeping her where she is, 120 miles (odd) away and about 800 from where i want to live. its tough. thats why you should be careful with long distance stuff. but the big deal is communicate. dont play like its going one way when its not. also if you are trying to make it work make the effort. just because something new and closer comes along im not so sure its the right thing to do to walk away. i did, and sometimes regret it now. but hey the big thing is just be honest with everyone and that includes talking about things like "what happens if a local person comes out during the course of our long and possibly not working out due to distance relationship.  | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 8:52:44 AM | Hi ,
I like your depth of character to be concerned how ur actions will affect another, its shows character and class.
Wat I do find interesting is that it too often happens that when people meet for the first couple of times, things sometimes get too serious with one person rating the other as a potential relationship,getting clingy etc. Exclusivity is something that comes after a time of getting to know each other.
I like the concept of dating... where u spend time with someone as a friend, for company , and if that means more than one person at a time, its ok by me, because I approach people as friends. If anything else develops then let the Magic happen. At that point when there is that mutual want to spend more and more time with them , then is the time to talk about exclusivity, making a committment. Dating more than one person ( I and do mean dating not playing ), is a mature way to see what king of connection u want and what suits you.
So hun dont worry... all that happened was that you found a connection the second time with someone who suited you more.... the first lady touched your life for a brief moment ... for her to be hurt meant she invested too much too soon.
Relax explore and enjoy
Cheers | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 9:00:45 AM |
Not unless he is sleeping with these women. A player is one that beds many women at the same time.. What I am speaking about is casual dating no going to bed with anyone.
I agree, but like I said, I don't want to be percieved as a player. The operative word is "perceived".
I'm not about to jump in bed with a casual date. many years ago, I would not be saying this. But maturity, lessons learned and maybe even lower homones makes me want to sleep only with one special woman.
Clarification in the word "casual" I am not into casual dates at all.
So if you mean those awkward first and second dates as you look for that thing called chemistry,then I understand what you mean by "casual"
A date to me has one goal and purpose in mind for me, and hopefuilly for the ones I choose to date, That is to hopefully find that one and only. A date for any other reason is a waste of my time and does not serves what the purpose of dating is to me.
There was a time in my life that sex was a purpose. Been there done that...got the tee shirt.
I love sex, can't get enough of it. But now it's only when making love. And that to me is very spiritual saved for just that one special woman in my life. Why would I ruin it and settle for anything less? Sheesh! I am begining to sound like a high school girl saving herself for her wedding! At least the way most high school girls were back in the 60's. lol | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 9:43:57 AM | I love sex, can't get enough of it. But now it's only when making love. And that to me is very spiritual saved for just that one special woman in my life. Why would I ruin it and settle for anything less? Sheesh! I am begining to sound like a high school girl saving herself for her wedding! At least the way most high school girls were back in the 60's. lol
By now you have probably already resolved this inner conflict, but I had to take the opportunity to respond to that last statement. This is how I also feel. I try to explain it to my "young" adult kids and I get the "deer in the headlights" look. We can't go back to our virginity, but we sure can "save" ourselves for the right person.
I am finding this dating thing to be completely overwhelming. If I could make the rules, I'd go back to early Biblical times. I didn't know this, but when a man had his eye on a woman, he had to go to her father and ask permission for her "hand". A dinner was arranged wherein the lovely young woman was asked if she wanted to be this man's wife. She actually had the right to say "no". That must not have worked out too well, because shortly thereafter, pre-arranged marriages came into place. Anyway, it is confusing.
I was "seeing" a man who I actually "met" on a phone chat line over a year ago. I was also dating a couple of men who, after one or two dates, we both agreed weren't working. I never told any of them that I was exclusive with them, and vice versa. It never got to intimacy with the two I was actually seeing, so I didn't feel creepy about that. But this telephone guy kept making plans to see me, and then something would come up. I was in a car wreck last December and sort of "lost" some memory. He kept calling and leaving messages and I didn't remember him. Finally, I got the nerve to answer my phone and tell him I didn't remember him. He was patient and "refreshed" my memory. I felt at a definite disadvantage, as he KNEW things about me and I didn't know as much about him.
Long story short, I finally got to meet him in person because I had to fly from Mpls. to go to my mom's funeral in CA. I needed a place to stay overnight. He put me up in a Motel 6 and when I got back, he took me to a very nice restaurant and then paid for two nights at a Country Inn. He was a perfect gentleman. We enjoyed each others' company and had that missing piece, so to speak. Now, sort of on his encouragement, I gave up everything to move closer to him. I live with my son and his girlfriend and two other younger couples and it's pretty cool. BUT, I am not seeing this man anymore because there are just pieces about him that don't make sense.
The irony is that he doesn't get that I don't want to see him anymore. I am too kind and tender-hearted to confront him on things that don't make sense. So, I suppose, I am sort of in a relationship, but am I really? I don't answer his calls and I am afraid to hurt his feelings or worse, maybe that my suspicions are true and he really was just playing me. So, do I share this with every man I make initial contact with or wait and see?
I agree that you can usually tell after a couple phone conversations and one meeting whether there is a connection. I think you are a very caring individual, and that's so refreshing because the generation coming up behind us is so jaded and tainted that they are scared stiff to consider commitment, love, etc. It makes my heart so sad. We have given our children a legacy of distrust, deceit, and despair. Anyway, I think it's a situation by situation deal.
I encouraged my teenage children to date more than one person at a time and do group dating. (Yeah, right, a bunch of over-40 folks group dating). Friendships need to be developed first before all the rest that complicates things (at least that's what I think). And that word intimacy is clearly misunderstood. I have a couple of male friends who I have an intimacy level of communication and love that goes way beyond anything of a physical context. (And they're not GAY). Too many people think sex is intimacy.
Intimacy is when you see two old people, so bent and weathered they can barely walk, sitting on the front porch, letting the sun warm their tired old bones, hands held together as they smile at each other once in awhile and speak with their eyes and nod in understanding. Intimacy is when two people can be in the same room, listening to music, each doing their own "thing", not needing to speak or touch, just feeling the presence of each other, glancing at each other, and feeling more fulfilled than they do when having sex. It's that level of understanding that happens when they can't have sex much any more and they have to sleep in separate beds (usually for medical reasons), but you know they love each other more than words can say because you just know it when you see them together. "Shadowlands" and "The Notebook" are two very good movie examples of this kind of intimacy.
OK, went off on a tangent. Probably shouldn't have, but I did. Blessings to you and for your sensitivity.
Kathryn | |
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| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 9:46:07 AM | Wow. I knew there were men like you out there!
The way I see it you were thoughtful, honest, and sincere. What more could any gal ask for? See this isn't really that hard if everybody plays it straight.
You may feel a little guilty because you traded a ldr for a local but anyone who has been at this for any amount of time knows it just makes more sense to do that.
I hope this lady and you can make it work. That's your new task at hand, concentrate on that. | |
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