| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/21/2009 7:23:36 PM | Random advice from random people sounds good for this situation because I am not the greatest at giving it.
A buddy of mine broke up with his ex close to a year ago thinking he knew what he was doing but recently told me that he regrets doing it and he may have made the biggest mistake of his life.
He's 25, she's 24. They we're together for 4 years, they lived together for 3 of them. He says now he knows he left because he was freaked about the whole forever-ness and knows now that that's what he wants and would do anything for it back. He said a lot of bad things to her and broke it off on rough terms. He says they haven't really talked since and she has been with someone for about 7 of those months.
He wants to pour his heart out to her and tell her everything and anything on his mind because he says it's really doing a number on him and at least she would know how he feels and where he is at.
I told him maybe he should just try talking to her first and getting back to a friend level before anything but he doesn't really know if that could work for him.
Has anybody ever dealt with this before? What should I tell him to do? Thank you! | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/21/2009 8:08:49 PM | Hey OP,
First of all, if you want to remain his friend you won't tell him to do anything. You will ask him some questions that make him think and come up with his own solutions. That's what friends do.
Questions to consider:
1) What does he hope to accomplish by telling her how he feels?
2) What exactly is his motivation for doing so?
3) What is the worst that could happen?
4) Is there something else he could do instead? (write a letter and burn it?)
5) Can he make an appointment with an objective third party to discuss this?
6) What tools and strategies can he develop to help him deal with similar situations in the future?
7) What is it that he has to offer her?
Good luck friend!  | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/21/2009 8:15:21 PM | Be honest and straightforward...don't come on too strong and don't seem half assed about it.
If she's a keeper she's worth the fight | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/21/2009 8:20:13 PM | | Its tough when you realize you still have feelings for an ex.. even tougher once this person has moved on...The fact that it ended on bad terms and he was mean to her.. may not work to his advantage..On one hand he should leave her alone.. maybe she is happy now and has moved on ...he really has no right to try and interfer with her new relationship.. especially since he is the one that ended it...there is now two peoples feelings to consider..well 3 if you count his..It is sad that he is now hurting .. and came to realize how much he does care...but he should date and try to move on.. maybe someday she will be single and he will get the chance to set things right....but he doesn't have the right to inter or cause problems in her new relationship ...he owes her that much.. since he chose to end it .. | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/21/2009 9:25:58 PM | OP:
Allow me to be blunt and don't take offense. Your friend is an idiot. He deserves what he gets. That's what he NEEDS to hear. The truth. He had a great woman who obviously loved and cared for him and he repays that with some idiotic fear of committment.
He doesn't deserve her back. He had his chance and he blew it. I'd tell him it's time to move on and learn from his stupidity.
Sugar coating things wont make it easier the next time he is in this situation. He really needs to hear that he was an idiot for what he did and deserves to never get her back. | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/22/2009 9:02:34 AM | He should give it a shot. She may be happy with the new guy, she may not. He should be prepared either way. If he really just wants to smooth things over and not leave things on bad terms then he should go for it. If it's going to "kill" him to find out she's moved on, then he should too and not worry about it.
If it's true love, wouldn't it be romantic if he learned a lesson and got her back? AWWWW! Just like in the movies! I would only call him a jerk if he hasn't learned a lesson and does the same to her again. I hope not. | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/22/2009 9:16:31 AM | Let me take a guess: Your friend hasn't gone out with anyone since dumping his ex?
He's just missing what he had. He shouldn't go back to her, however. After a break-up, it's easy to miss the relationship, especially if you were the dumper. You go from being with someone, to being totally alone, of your own volition. But the thing is... he probably had valid reasons for breaking off, and if he goes back, those reasons will merely resurface. | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/22/2009 12:33:23 PM | Shes moved on tell your mate to do the same and save himself any embarrassment when she rejects him as l`m sure she will.
He was a mug now hes got to pay the price.
realtalk. | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/22/2009 4:22:38 PM | | I doubt if she'll take him back. He must have really hurt her, behaving the way he did. What kind of things did he say to her? If what you say is true, he didn't just split up with her but said bad things about her too. Sounds as if it must have been an awful experience for her. If she still has some feelings for him and hasn't completely wiped him out of her mind, then he might have a chance. He'd need to be subtle about how he makes contact and apologise sincerely for hurting her. Even then, if I was her I would have to have really loved him to even contemplate taking him back. Then there's the problem of whether I'd ever be able to trust him again. I don't think so. I'd probably think he just wanted what he couldn't have and that it didn't mean he cared about me. I'd assume that if he was prepared to hurt me like that once, he'd do it again. If he's not sincere, he'll shoot himself in the foot anyway. | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/22/2009 5:15:39 PM | | She's moved on, that's all there is to it. We all make decisions we regret, some more than others, but when someone makes a decision then they have to live with the consequences. You can't just say "Oh shit! I ****ed up!" and push the reset button. She's obviously moved on with her life so if your friend has any respect for her then he will do the same and let her enjoy her life with her new boyfriend. Honestly, if a girl broke up with me and then came back a year later telling me that she actually did love me I would be pissed that she was trying to interfere in my life and I would have nothing to do with her. | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/23/2009 8:22:12 AM | The best thing for him to do is to make contact with her. I don't think that he should initially pour his heart out to her. It will freak her out. He just needs to be honest.
Summary:
1. I made a mistake.
2. I was scared about "forever"
3. I wasn't mature enough to handle the relationship then.
4. I didn't know what I wanted then.
5. Time away has cleared my vision.
Etc, etc, etc.
Granted, this doesn't mean she is going to take him back. It will take her some time to get over being tossed aside and taken for granted. If she has a strong sense of self-worth she may not listen to him at all.
The thing about second chances is, once you put someone aside, there is always going to be a lack of trust. "Will he/she do this again?!" Some of us don't want to deal with those questions (myself included) and it's one of the reasons that only under exceptional circumstances would I say a second chance is warranted and will succeed.
If there was any cheating going on, then I'd just say walk away. Once someone cheats on you, that is the ultimate display of disrespect and though I will forgive, I will never forget. | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/23/2009 10:00:14 AM | If he does contact her, he needs to take it show. Just ask her how she's doing, say he was a jerk and made a mistake with her, and have a little small talk before he hangs up.
Pouring his heart out will end it forever.
He needs to date others or at least look for others, and come back to her from a position of strength, not as a sad puppy dog. She'll be making a decision between her current boyfriend and him (if it gets to that point) and if he's a sad sack, then he's done.
He blew it, and she's knocking it with someone else. So he has to move on and come to her at a later time by staying in her life from afar and being the catch that she thought he was when they were together, only changed for the better.
I did the same thing long ago, and never got her back...so it might work it might not. He needs to be ok with that possibility. | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/23/2009 11:26:34 AM | | Let her know how you feel. I've been in the exact same position. Treating someone you love poorly, not physically abusive mind you, because you're afraid of committment is not uncommon. One of the few regrets I have in my life is not being able to tell her how I felt; regardless of the outcome. Now she lives a thousand miles away and will never know how truly sorry I am. | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/23/2009 11:57:57 AM | | Shoot Southknox -- call her! Tell her -- makes her and you feel so much better. Zero risk if she's that far away... | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/23/2009 6:07:57 PM | I agree 110% with cinsav---he made a bad choice and now he must live with the consequences. She will undoubtedly seize upon the opportunity to make him feel worse....and that's what he should get if he decides to contact her. She'll throw his apology right back at him, possibly with the help of her new boyfriend.
I was in your friend's shoes once. When I was 20 I had a girlfriend I was with a few months, then broke up with her. A few more months went by, realized I missed her and we went out to dinner & a movie. There I told her how I felt, and her words were "I've gone on!" Later I'd find out she had met a guy in the Navy, he was at sea but she was completely faithful to him. There was not even a snowball's chance of reuniting.
By breaking up with her, a decision that I & I alone made, I went from being her possible fiance to her "friend." And that was under IDEAL conditions----no hurtful words during the breakup.
Tell your friend to save himself the embarassment. I guarantee he'll be lucky if he even gets the time of day before the door is slammed right in his face. | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/24/2009 12:03:59 AM | Dude, your buddy kinda ****ed up. But thats not what your asking about.
On the question of shoudl he tell her- I say yes. I recently went through a similar deal except we ended on good terms. I still had ALOT of deep feelings for her and it was driving me crazy. I tried to keep them to myself and get over it but- somethings you just cant let go of if you feel theres a chance. So I told her- and low and behold she responds with "I still love you too-". So its worth a shot. If anything he will get a solid answer either way it goes... | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/24/2009 12:12:06 AM | | he needs to give a go, or he will regret it the rest of his life | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/24/2009 11:51:36 AM | | he needs to give it a try...he will always ask himself what if otherwise | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/24/2009 5:17:02 PM | | ewacat....not all women will jump on the oppertunity to make him feel worse he made a mistake yes but does he deserve to go through life woundering what if? | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/24/2009 8:43:04 PM | | He should go out and date other women. His ex had the right idea. | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/24/2009 10:51:16 PM | I agree with Cinsav. Why would she take him back after he screwed up so bad? He should learn his lesson better this way
it's sad  but that's what happens when you make choices in life, you have to live the consequences.
that and he's probably still single like what other ppl have been saying, so he is just missing what he had... he should go   | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:50:09 AM | | I have to agree with cinsav on this one. Maybe next time he'll think twice before he hurts someone else. | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:51:46 AM | | He has to know that he will accept consquences after pouring everything out to her. She may stomp on his heart further or she may take it gracefully....there are a million scenarios but he has to be totally prepared for that. | |
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| He broke his own heart.
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:27:27 AM | Well, I did the same thing myself and now i regret it and am moving on. I even went as far as buying a book on how to win your ex back. The 1st thing you have to do is establish contact then apologize without saying the word sorry and really mean it. You have to play it cool like your are happy go lucky. No one wants to be with at feel sorry for myself moping person. Theese are the 1st rules of the book get your ex back. then it said to make them a little jealous without being to extreme. Even if you don't have a date and maybe your on the phone with her act like you got to go because you have plans. Everyone is attracted to someone a little more when they see they are in demand. and of course if the person asks you to do something for them - you need to do it with a smile on your face.
good luck | |
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