| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/21/2009 10:21:31 PM | As most of us are here because our life hasn't turned out exactly as we'd wanted...when you're first communicating with someone...
...After the "Party Manners"
...After the initial "Hmmmm, this could get interesting"
...What do you do/say/ask/expect to hear to help you best understand if the other person and yourself are on the same wavelength?
It seems after seeing hundreds of fora-denizens wailing how they were "wronged", the overwhelming impression I get is "their 'picker' is broken". And as many of us like to toss our armchair psychology sheepskin on the floor, I'm wondering, what three questions would you want to hear how they respond before you go to the next phase? And I thought I like to toss out the ones I like to weave into an early conversation...
So tell me, what happened to your marriage/(relationship) that you are no longer together? This is an open-ended question but it let's you know if (a) they can talk about it, (b) if they express depression or hostility or blame or disconnection, and (c) if they cares enough about you to reflect the same question back.
...And what is important is not just the answer, but how they sound...how they look when they say it. You will have many opportunities to revisit it...you're a new element in a lifetime of memories they already have. If they can't talk openly...comfortably...and you have to walk on eggshells...maybe they're not ready to be dating (me). IOW, how much of yourself are you willing to give up?
What have you specifically researched, planned for and did to help yourself since the last relationship ended? IOW, find out if the person perceives any changes were necessary and what they did about it. Dig in...ask about this...are they BS'ing you with a weak story or whether they just don't see the need to make any changes in who they are...and why.
What are some of the most influential materials (books, videos, counseling, etc., etc.) you found to help you really be the person you want to be found by others? Again...dig in...this is important to help you understand what approaches/philosophies they consider his guideposts in the journey we're all taking. Are these "guideposts" something you're comfortable in basing the direction of your life? Can you contribute to this as a partner?
To me, the beauty of these questions is this...if we're done talking about it in 3-5 minutes, I know it's a pass...we didn't talk. And if it lasts more than 20-30 minutes, then I worry either it's way more drama than I'm open to...or worse, they're hiding something behind a lot of rationalizations.
My bottom line...if this conversation doesn't flow easily, let them go.
What about you? Comments? What are your critical "Three Questions"?
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/21/2009 10:34:16 PM | What was your proudest moment?
What was your most shameful moment?
Can I borrow $5?
For the first two it's just to see how genuine they are, or if they try to offer up some kind of B.S. answer... the last one is just to screw with their heads  | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/21/2009 10:54:53 PM | My first question, after the initial bs-ing, is tell me about where you went to school. I want to know how important education is in a man's life. This tells me about his intelligence, his goals, his ambitions, and where his head is. I like men who are forward thinking and know where they are going in this world. I am not prejudiced against a man who perhaps had to choose to work instead of finishing a degree, but I find that a man with secondary education provides me with a better conversation and usually fits in with my values and goals much better than one who chose to drop out of high school at sixteen to go work in a factory and get his GED.
The second question is how is your relationship with your family, good or bad. Then tell me about them. Where you come from gives me an idea of what your morals and core values are. You can be raised in a ghetto, but love your family because they raised you with love and affection with good discipline, and that means you will know how to treat me and treat your friends and my daughter. I have no problems with single parent homes, nor divorced families, what I care about it how you feel about your parents and siblings NOW. If you had a rough childhood, are you still carrying baggage? Or have you worked through it? Is this something that I will need to help you work through? These are important things in a person's life and I want to know what to expect.
Third, tell me about your ex.I want to see how you talk about her, how did your relationship end, what happened, did you cheat? Did she? Are you still harboring grudges that you are going to have to work through? If so, I am willing to help. Was there any abuse? If so, what kind? This is EXTREMELY important to me. If I find out that a man I am dating has ever raised his hand to a woman, I will break it off immediately. I will never go through that again, and I am a true believer that once a man hits a woman, no matter what the reason, he is succeptible to do it again, and I am not willing to take that chance.
Those are three basic things that I try to research about a man before I get truly involved with him, for my own peace of mind, as well as the safety of my daughter. Until I know beyond a reasonable doubt that he is a good, honest man, I do not inroduce him to my family.
Beth | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/21/2009 10:57:43 PM | Way too interview-y, OP. I would leave 1/2 way through the 2nd question because I would give you the benefit of the doubt that something fun was coming after the 1st one. You know, like a punch line or something.
As question 2 manifested itself with still no punch line and I realized that you did indeed intend to interview me, I would be disappointed and realize my usually fail-safe screening technique had actually failed, and failed dismally, and would require some revision.
I don't like something witty's questions, either, but if I had to pick, I'd pick his. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/21/2009 11:12:12 PM |
Way too interview-y, OP.
Sooooo...I'm guessing you completely missed the part about weaving these types of thoughts into the conversation?
Yeah...usually happens with shortsighted people.
There are a million things I can (and do) talk about...but getting a read on somebody is more than listening to them talk about their job, their kids and how much they love life.
It takes from a few weeks to six months for the masks...the "party manners" to come off...having a few tuned concepts that help discover how another person thinks...not just reciting memories about themself...helps not spend weeks or months discovering someone isn't on the same wavelength as you. And no, we're not talking players...just normal people wanting the other person to be as real the first week of a relationship as they are a year into a relationship.
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/21/2009 11:22:18 PM | | Yeah I would never ask about past relationships until way further on, they aren't the first questions I'd pop out. I would ask his views on other cultures/people/strangers/animals, his relationship with his mother, and what sort of friends he has and what they do together. I realize this makes me sound young, but whatever. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 12:49:36 AM | I don't need three questions to tell me what I want to know about the person.
I just listen very carefully to what they are saying within the conversation. It's amazing what you can learn about a person without them even realising it. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 1:24:50 AM | Who needs three questions? I simply refer them to the song "do you take it" by The Wet Spots.
Video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WoQQ-mAQeE
After that I generally know if we're a match or not. :) | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 1:31:41 AM |
My three are somewhat less somber:
(1) Do you kiss well?
(2) If not, are you willing to practice?
(3) What color panties are you wearing?
I can see where you're going with this. If I may expand:
(1) What is your favorite position?
(2) Missionary? Are you willing to practice other positions?
(3) Do you like to dine in or eat out? | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 1:57:12 AM | Op , my first question to you would be, Do you always talk that way , such long words, your vocabulary is very good admitadly, would drive me a little nuts tho.
1. When we getting married
2. Should I come off the pill
3.How are you with a lawn mower
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 2:40:09 AM | if that's how dating goes nowadays, can i just drop off a resume and references and she can call whenever she's made a hiring decision?
god forbid we actually have a fun conversation or something !!!
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 3:56:15 AM | Actually, I honestly do have one question that I like to ask a girl when I'm trying to get to know her.
What are you passionate about?
Honestly, this question is more about how they answer it, than what the actual answer is. It's really a loaded question, and difficult to answer. But somebody who is genuinely interested and interesting, will usually try to break it down into things that they enjoy doing, or feel really strongly about doing. Everybody else is usually content with a simple "I don't know." | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 5:13:29 AM | Being asked those three questions would tell me what I needed to know.
Guess what? When you just listen, and let people talk, they will tell you exactly who they are, what they need and what they offer. If people aren't talking to you it's because you aren't listening. Listening is a provocative act that compels people to reveal themselves. It's usually in the questions people ask that they tell you the most about themselves. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 5:38:23 AM | | I don't need my own questions. The fact someone asked me three questions like a date was some kind of job interview tells me they're too cynical and judgemental for a second date. I'm speaking from experience because almost every woman does this without offering ANY info about her own situation. These people focus on all that is negative and ALWAYS find a fault with everyone. I find it arrogant and highly annoying. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 6:41:21 AM | WOW! Way to kill a mood or a chance of even getting past the nerves. I hate interviews and only will go thru one for a paycheck. Do you bring a notepad w/ you? If they answer sucessfully will they be recieving regular pay to be w/ you?
"My bottom line...if this conversation doesn't flow easily, let them go"
See your 3 questions would mean a stilted conversation. I personally think it's bad form to dicuss exes on initial meets/dates. If the conversaton can't roll along w/ humor, personality, and wit, there is already something missing.
OP your questions would be a red flag that would send me to the land of "Lost in the Lady's Room". | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 7:24:22 AM | | Yeah I agree with the last poster - your questions - no matter how they find there way into the conversation would have me turning down another date! I like general chit chat with a date and if we want a second one then thats fine - the big questions can come later. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 7:55:11 AM | 97 percent of all communication is non verbal.. you can read more if you pay attention to what isn't being said!!!
I can tell if a guy is attracted in seconds and if he is invested elsewhere in his emotional framework.. it is easy to read once you practise seeing .. guys actually find it frightening that I can figure them out pretty quickly...!!! Photos tell alot about who you are inside.. you can put on a smile but you can't fool the retina of life.. inside everyone has a life and I can see clearly therefore I see... what is. I can go out and read people like a book, ,.... finding maturity, decency .. common sense and dignity in a face in my vicinity is like plucking eye lashes with a weed eater... !!
body language can tell you some amazing things as does intense eye contact.. you can read emotional investment elsewhere if you pay attention ... when someone is engaged in the world they are environmentally present .. it means they are living in the moment.. how they respond to your energy and presence is critical and how they respond to others is also .. a very tell tale sign of who they are, if their energy is distanced with others.. then they are already providing transparency of who they are .. smug doesn't go away... .. social masks cannot cover up the track record of the past,if you pay attention you can see without words who someone really is.. if the people in their familial zone approach them you can get a great insite into their personal character thru others.. it is in how others respond to them as to who they are.. you can learn so much more about someone by the energies around them then chat will ever evoke. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 9:02:21 AM | ^^ It is said that as far as face to face communication is concerned, over 90% of it is non-verbal, or with body language. So yes, asking some good questions can let you see how the person responds. In the manner in which you get the response is where you can find out many things through the person's posture, tone, etc., as already mentioned; mood, emotions, detachment, indifference, whether the person looks at you while speaking, or seems to be nervous, or appears to be rambling on.
<--- BTW what do you read in that corny smile? :P | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 9:15:12 AM | Pikachu~...in regards to "Op , my first question to you would be, Do you always talk that way , "...uhhh, noooo...with the right person there is a lot more grunting and moaning...but yeah, words have a purpose.
1. Kinda depends on what passports are already owned.
2. Sure...no problem.
3. I'm great with them...even better at hiring teenagers to push them.
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Kriss7
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Joined: 6/18/2009
Msg: 23 | |
| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 9:46:51 AM | Interesting subject...
I'm not sure I have such 3 questions. I like to observe people as they are talking and agree that non verbal communication can provide a lot of information once you know what to look for.
I would also dare to say that each side will know in the first 5 minutes of the first meeting whether they like their date or not. But once you do like your date it is nice to find out what makes them tick. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 9:51:10 AM | We are what we do , not what we say we are.
It takes time to really learn who someone is, that is why we date and not get married after knowing someone for two weeks.
I really dislike telling people about my past relationships. What happened between me and a previous boyfriend will be discussed in the more generic terms. I feel anything else is a betrayal of trust. More importantly, all you'd get is my perspective of the relationship. That is really only half the story at best.
Rather than having a list of questions about the past I am more concerned about where someone plans on going in the future. I find most people are so focused on what they have done before that they might be missing out on what is happening right now. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 10:03:39 AM | I assume you mean after you've gone out on many dates and have established some sort of relationship, and just are thinking about the future. Hm, yes, I'm not very "interviewy", but things I want to know, eventually:
1) How well you get on with your family. Not necessarily that you DO get along well, just how you do. If this turns into something long-term, your family problems are MY family problems, you know?
2) Are you a picky or boring eater? I am an adventurous eater. Not as much as that crazy Zimmern guy, but I watch the show, you know? I also find that people who eat a very structured diet are rigid in other ways as well--I am anti-rigid (no snarky commentary, please!). Those guys who have to have 2 eggs and a piece of dry toast every morning, yoghurt at 10 am, tuna samich at noon, and meatloaf every Tuesday drive me NUTS! Those men who refuse to taste it cuz it's unusual drive me nuts, too. What do you MEAN you've never TASTED saag? TASTE IT! These same guys often go to bed precisely at 10:37 pm each and every night and wake up (without an alarm clock, they are quick to tell you) at 6:40 am. EVERY DAY OF THEIR LIVES. I cannot imagine going on vacation with these guys, when their routine is broken.
3) How do you feel about responsibility? I think there are far too many men out there who "hate shopping". Yeah? I don't exactly love it, either, but it's something that needs to be done, and WE will do it as a team (I'm thinking food and clothing necessities). Same for cleaning the house, or taking the car in for repairs. I KNOW it's not fun to do that stuff--but too bad, suck it up and git 'er done. THEN you can have fun. Too many men want to abdicate responsibility because it's "not fun". I refuse to be the "responsible one" when we're talking about TWO adults, here. I have a co-worker who puts her husband's clothes out every morning (which she has laundered, and which she irons each and every day because he prefers Chinos). She calls the for the drs/hair appts/etc for him. I don't want THAT--if I'd wanted THAT, I'd have had a kid. | |
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