|
|
|
|
|
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 8:20:50 AM | I've been reading and participating in the forums on POF for nearly 4 years. Prior to that time, I managed to make it through the majority of my life with the innocence of not knowing all the rules, laws, red flags, labels and principles that need to be heeded in order to successfully live my life and interact with other human beings.
In my younger years, I honestly don't recall so much, if any, emphasis being put on how we should act, react, label, red flag or make rules for situations and people as is currently in vogue in these forums. What ever happened to not over-analyzing every person, situation, scenario, character trait and so on? Have we become so jaded in our advancing years that we aren't capable of just "being" anymore or has it become a battle that must be fought on with no one winning the war? | |
|
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 8:23:15 AM | unfortunately tink many are just that jaded. I am open personally to talking with anyone about anything. i keep my flag at yellow (deepening to orange or fading towards gree depending on how some contacts go) but saying to someone without knowing them without good reason (such as an 18 year old looking for a father figure) just seems sad.  | |
|
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 8:31:27 AM | Four years on the forums, God bless you.
In my younger years, I honestly don't recall so much, if any, emphasis being put on how we should act, react, label, red flag or make rules for situations and people as is currently in vogue in these forums.
In my younger years, I didn't analyze things as much as I do now, I didn't even really make choices, things presented themself to me and I usually just went with the flow. I never even thought much about it (not a good thing it turned out). I think as we learn and mature we realize some analyzing is a good thing.
What ever happened to not over-analyzing every person, situation, scenario, character trait and so on? Have we become so jaded in our advancing years that we aren't capable of just "being" anymore or has it become a battle that must be fought on with no one winning the war?
I don't think it's being jaded, I think it's being aware and responsible for your own safety and well-being, knowing yourself and the world better and making better choices. That's not to say you can't "just be". I don't look at self-responsibility as a battle or a war. It just is the way it is. Nobody's going to look after my own best interests but me. | |
|
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 8:35:28 AM | Me Leona said: In my younger years, I didn't analyze things as much as I do now, I didn't even really make choices, things presented themself to me and I usually just went with the flow. I never even thought much about it (not a good thing it turned out). I think as we learn and mature we realize some analyzing is a good thing.
I did this one in my early 50's went with the flow.. Not a wise decision either for me.. Indeed who better to look after your best interests but yourself..
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 8:36:25 AM | All the TALK/discussion of "rules, laws, red flags, labels " is here in the forums.
Otherwise... out there in the world... it is just our own personal common sense that leads us,
and we don' stick little colorful post'em labels here and there on our common sense. | |
|
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 9:06:56 AM | "Have we become so jaded in our advancing years that we aren't capable of just "being" anymore"
Some may be jaded, but many have been innocent and over the years learned what works for them and what does.
I can certainly just "be" with my long term friends. The main reason being I have known their characters for so long that I know that I want them in my life. New friends have a trial period before I know if they are keepers or not.
No more drama zones, if we don't let drama zones into our space. | |
|
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 9:10:38 AM | | It's helpful to have a set of ideas and a matching vocabulary for focusing on the unsuitability of the other person, and to explain events and outcomes generally as being determined by things outside yourself. It helps because seeing your own hand in things can cause the onset of chagrin, which is to the ego as Kryptonite is to Superman. | |
|
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 9:27:02 AM | What ever happened to not over-analyzing every person, situation, scenario, character trait and so on? Have we become so jaded in our advancing years that we aren't capable of just "being" anymore or has it become a battle that must be fought on with no one winning the war?
AWW! The illustrious "Battle of the Sexes"!!!! Rules and regs, etc. do seem to be all-too-present, in the on-line dating venue. And especially here in the forums, as you well know......Ms. Tink.
Like you, I also don't recall putting people under a magnifying glass, " in the real world", in order to be their friend. ............. I still don't. But, on line is a whole 'nuther ballgame. Resumes (profiles) and a person's forum posts have a tendency to make us eliminate people based on "surface criteria".
Thank goodness, this isn't the only means I have, for meeting people........... | |
|
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 11:30:34 AM | I don't think we have all become jaded as much as we've opened our eyes to things that are important for a relationship to work. I know that I no longer try to 'fix' broken men as I did in my youth. Not all men need to be fixed and the ones that do have to do it themselves. That's not being jaded. It's being honest and realistic.
I've never been into playing mind games and I still don't. I pay no attention to the so-called 'rules of dating'. I will approach a man first. If I am very attracted to him, I will have sex on the first date. I don't worry about the 'three day rule' nor do I worry about expressing how I feel about the man. If a man cannot deal with my honesty and feelings, then he isn't the man for me.
I'm still the same honest, sincere woman I've always been, but now I'm making much better choices due to the fact that I've learned from past mistakes. It's taken me many years, but I've finally found a man I can trust implicitly, one who knows who he is and what he wants out of life and both of us are working for a common goal... spending the rest of our lives together. The only labels we are looking to place on each other is husband and wife. | |
|
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 11:42:49 AM | I think that the older we get the more we learn about people and so called flags. I am still open to talking, im'ing and chatting with anyone, but as as the BS radar gets tripped, i start looking for flags.
I have met many amazing people on here, and have more friends than I would like, (as they all time time an effort). There are also quite a lot of people that have been kicked to the kurb (per say), due to the fact they overly complicate their lives with lies, and drama.
People that increase their activities in life with gossipping, and second guessing another are way too complicated for me. I would rather someone be upfront and honest. Back to the original question, i dont think its rules, red flags etc. Merely that we get smarter at protecting ourselves as we make our way through life and avoid some of the past pains by letting people that dont have our best interests in mind go. | |
|
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 1:08:31 PM | For me, it's about having learned what does and doesn't work for me. The "red flags" I pay attention to are specific to me, not necessarily "rules" for all those out there dating. It's part of becoming a healthier person... learning from your mistakes... etc. etc. Trial and error :-)
I think the difference is, pre-internet and message boards, people *TALKED* about those things, instead of posting about them.. and they talked with a smaller group of people, instead of having 100s of people read and respond on a public forum. | |
|
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 1:41:37 PM | In my younger years I was too naive to recognize and stay away from people who were liars, abusers, controlling, dishonest, and worse. I suffered some serious damage as a result. With time, I learned to recognize those traits in people. I also learned to recognize those who were trustworthy, compassionate, honest, and caring.
Having rules keeps me safe to enjoy the wonderful people I meet. Just like on the road, our agreement to stop on red & go on green keeps us from running into and hurting each other & keeps the traffic moving so we can get to where we want to go, having rules about how I expect to be treated (with respect) and how I treat others leaves me free to relax and enjoy the company of the people I'm with.
If you think that's a problem, whatever. I don't make up the rules for your life. You get to make them up for yourself. It hasn't held me back, it's liberated me. Friends who have known me all these years will verify that I'm much more open & playful & much less fearful than I was back before I had any rules. I have a lot more fun because I don't have to worry about the people around me hurting me. I don't let those kinds of people into my life any more. That's my rule: no azzholes.
| |
|
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 2:25:09 PM |
I don't make up the rules for your life.
You are correct. You don't.
You get to make them up for yourself.
Once again, you are correct and I thank you for that insight.
I appreciate the responses of those who "got" what this topic was about.
To spend one's life imposing rules such as the "3 date rule" or attempting to micro-minutely define the meaning of "Friends with Benefits" or red flagging someone because they put the silverware in the drawer the wrong way and so on becomes just plain exhausting to read about let alone participate in. Does all of this need to be done in order to live one's life? What ever happened to "be and let be" and some things in life just "are", taking something at face value until it is proven we should do otherwise ?
~Breath~, I do believe you are correct - this is mainly on the POF forums and not in real life. Gawd, could you imagine extending it into real life? Let's see - it's date number 4, there was no sex so that's a big red flag but then again maybe this is a FWB relationship without the benefit of a clear definition with a NBM so I shouldn't expect him to stick around the house and line the silverware up in my cutlery drawer the way I think it should be lined up. Oh dopey me! Whatever was I thinking!
Life just doesn't need to be as complicated as some might suggest it to be. I think I will continue to enjoy people and situations as they present themselves in my life without the benefit of all of these rigid relationship rules, laws, red flags, labels. | |
|
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 3:44:04 PM | I agree, Tink - life shouldn't be that difficult. I've always depended on my gut instincts where people are concerned. The only times I've gotten into trouble are the times when I didn't listen to the inner voice. Even so, I do give people the benefit of the doubt. I agree, too, that some of the red flags I've read about are downright ludicrous. I really don't care how the cutlery goes in the drawer or now the toilet paper goes on the roll or if the towels are folded to my style or how the bottom sheet is folded or if a guy wants to wear socks with his sandals.
Another thing I see on here is having the "exclusive" talk and the "where is this relationship going" talk. I just cringe when I read that stuff. I don't recall ever in my life having those kinds of talks. At my age, if I can't tell if someone is very interested in me, I shouldn't be dating. If I have to ask, it ain't happening. All these "dating rules" give me a migraine. This rebel will break every rule in the book. I don't have a map drawn for the rest of my life. The old "que sera, sera" still works pretty damn good for me. | |
|
| |
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 4:32:55 PM | Tink, good post.
Before there was the net and forums, there were neighborhood bars where people hashed out this sort of stuff. I think that was more fun.
As for me, I'll do what I feel is right in a relationship and to hell with the rules! | |
|
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 4:44:11 PM | But....but....but......
Without all of these rules, labels and red flags, whatever would we have to share on the forums? I mean, if you just meet someone, find you like them, and see where the flow takes you, whatever would there be to talk about?
I think that we did that in the 60's and the 70's. It was loads of fun, lots of adventure, full of optimism, and creative on a minute by minute basis. Who wants to live like that? | |
|
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 5:07:35 PM | I agree that there are a hell of a lot of people doing Adventures in Modern Dating who are never going to be able to see the forest for the trees.
Obviously, when it comes to meeting people thru an online site, you do have to exercise some caution and common sense.
But beyond that, date for whatever reason YOU want. Use your head for something other than a bottle opener, but don't conduct yourself as if you just KNOW there's a devil behind every tree. If something goes awry(other than you or yours being a victim of crime or fraud) deal with it and move on. Don't presume that just because one guy or one situation turned out badly, any future guys or situations that have mild similarities will also turn out badly.
But also do realize that we all have choices. If you are not finding the partner/relationship you want, don't get defensive. But don't wait for the exactly perfect situation to come riding down your road on a white pony with a red apple in his hand. Decide what your big picture looks like. But don't buy into the subtle(or sometimes not so subtle!) pressures to be in a couple if you just ain't findin' him or her. There ARE worse things than being alone.
There is nothing wrong with serial dating, FwB, noncohabiting relationships, just casual/social dating, taking a break from dating/relationships, or saying that it will take a VERY special feeling to relinquish being single.
Cindy O | |
|
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 5:13:13 PM | There is nothing wrong with serial dating, FwB, noncohabiting relationships, just casual/social dating, taking a break from dating/relationships, or saying that it will take a VERY special feeling to relinquish being single.
I agree, as long as you're honest and state your preference. Some are so hostile if you're not looking for exactly the same thing they are, or ready for what they are, or respond to them the way they want you to. Those people need to really chill. | |
|
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 5:18:57 PM | Until recently I wasn't aware we had gone to war, I've been wandering around on the battlefield all this time, dancing ignorantly thru the minefield without my combat boots, flak jacket, and pith helmet, but I have seen the bombursts in air and I've come to kikk butt and chew bubblegum and I'm all out of bubblegum  | |
|
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 5:24:15 PM |
I've come to kikk butt and chew bubblegum and I'm all out of bubblegum
You can kikk butt and chew bubblegum at the same time? Well, I'll say if that isn't a red flag, I don't know what is. It's probably in everyone's best interests that you are all out of gubblebum. | |
|
| |
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 7:32:53 PM |
What ever happened to not over-analyzing every person, situation, scenario, character trait and so on?
Experience and hard knocks. Not too long ago, I trusted everyone and everything. Today, I tread carefully. | |
|
| |
| Life Without Rules, Laws, Red Flags, Labels et al
Posted: 6/22/2009 7:44:49 PM | | i believe so many are very protective of their hearts, they dont want to be hurt again, they dont want to feel the pain they felt before, so yes, they look for more, good thing? maybe/maybe not , either way they are who they are due to the roads they walked, and not one can fully understand, unless we were in their shoes... | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
