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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 6/22/2009 12:31:01 PM | I know this is long and confusing, but nothing else it helping.
We broke up 6 weeks ago. She was 18 and I was 22 when first met. Been almost 4 years now. Birthdays are June 30 and July 1 and our anniversary was same days. I supported her for 4 years while she was making no money as LNA and in school as a nurse. Once she graduated this past December we were going to move in when she passed nurses license and she could afford to help pay rent(we both live with parents). She failed test, then failed it again 2 months later. We have broken up about a year ago, because I needed to straighten up my act. I did and we were perfect again, but my act didn't last. She took the test again 2 weeks ago. About 8 weeks ago(2 weeks before she broke up with me) she said told me that when she passes test and we move out together on our own she wanted to start trying to have a kid and be pregnant by end of the year. I said a comment I shouldn't have, not that bad. Just a comment because I'm scared, that's all. Then 2 weeks after that she calls me and says it's over. She never really loved me, was just scared to be alone, last 4 years were a mistake. Never should have gave me more than one chance, don't see us in future cause I'm only a cook making so much money and don't want to better myself. A week later we hung out as friends, cause I said it be easier that way, she wanted to just not talk again for a month or so. I tried to get her back, I sold my jet skis to pay off some bills to show I'm serious about getting my life together for her and for me. I told her I was so depressed and thinking about suicide. She got upset called a friend so they could find me some help. He friend called me and freaked out on me and convinced her that I was just saying it to get her to take me back. She said she would call me next week, we needed some time away from each other to calm down. She never called. I have her email and facebook passwords, she doesn't know. I found out she has a new boyfriend(so she really is just afraid of being lonely) and passed her nurses test and ready to start her life how she's always wanted it. I can't stop thinking about her and check her facebook just so see if anything for hope for me and her to be together again. I need to stop thinking about her only way is to either delete her account, changed password, so she can't get into it or email her tell her to change it. If I delete it or lock her out she will know it's me and hate me forever even more. If I let her know I have it she hate me even more forever for having it this whole time and not chaning it. Ive almost killed myself, went to hospital for depression, saw therapist. Have no health insurance either. No one I see can prescribe medication, they keep sending me to someone who can, but they can't. they all say I need the medication and help. I have no friends left, literally none. She has been my only real friend for the past 4 years. I feel useless, betrayed and heartbroken. I've tried to hang out with new people. Called suicide hotline, hospital did nothing. Tried to meet new girls to get mind off of her. I barely eaten and slept in past 6 weeks. Hate my job and ready to quit and stay home and do nothing, but that make my problems with money even worse.
I was ready to finally start my life with her and she was too, now nothing. How can this be? Can she really not care about me at all or I was such a mistake that if I killed myself she wouldn't care? She did care until her friend convinced her I was faking it all.
Can anyone suggest to me what do I do? I'm going crazy, you can probally tell by how much I wrote on this. I feel like dieing just for seeking help on here. | |
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 6/22/2009 1:03:32 PM | Hi. You sound depressed. I was too, until very recently, and know what it's like to want to kill yourself 24/7.
Priority one for you, and I mean get on this yesterday:
Find a competent doctor. Tell him what you just typed here, vis a vis the depression. Obtain a prescription for a mild mood elevator/anxiety reliever. Don't wait for the doctor to recommend it, ask for it. If you don't have insurance, just stomach the bill and pay it off later.
I know there's stigma associated with going on pills, and a lot of (stupid, ugly) women will rag on you for seeking help - but I did one three-month course of Cipralex and it literally turned my life around. I went from deciding whether to blow my brains out in the garden shed or in the bathroom, to deciding which sunny country I'm going to take an early retirement in.
The problems you're facing now, feel suffocating, crushing, like you can't get out. Your mind races, dwells, constantly conjures worst-case-scenarios, and re-hashes the things you did wrong in the past. But rest assured, they seem that way because of a simple, easily correctable chemical imbalance in your noggin. Boiled down, that's all human emotions are - a series of neurotransmitters, little chemical bundles that can be tweaked and adjusted. Try antidepressants, and suddenly your problems cease to matter. | |
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 6/22/2009 2:30:08 PM | Sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time.
A woman is never worth killing yourself over. I know it sucks right now and it doesn't look like there is a way out but maybe what happened is an oppportunity to do or start something new? How about trying something new like maybe moving to a new city or taking up a new activity. Even better, why not reconnect with an old activity that maybe was put on the back burner while you were with your ex?
Oh, and one more thing, stop logging into her facebook account. No good can come from it and it will only delay the healing process. Fondly remember the good times you had together, be thankful for them, and look forward to the future.
Good luck, man! | |
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 6/22/2009 3:42:49 PM | Just think "Next" and find someone else to love.
I think a lot of guys get hung up in analysing every detail of ''what went wrong''.
Do you want to spend the next few years torturing yourself about this one woman as many guys do, or do you want to find someone who is worth your time.?
Why else did you join this site if not to keep on moving on..?
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 6/22/2009 4:51:43 PM | Sorry OP, you have to go through this.. eventually in time and alot of healing, and of course, support is what you need right now.
Suicide is not the answer, trying to escape from your problems. Your ex is not worth dying for.
I know what it feels like to be betrayed. Just like with Robert Quest, 2 years ago, it was hell for me. My mom undergone 2 types of cancer (breast and kidney), my grandmother passed away, I was fighting with my 2 ex close friends and breaking up with my first boyfriend.
It wasn't easy, I felt like my whole world just crushed beneath me. I had to stand up again. Of course, I had my spirituality and praying did alot for me, attending a support group helped me alot.
You will get through this again.
Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
Love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy.
They just promised it would be worth it. | |
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 6/22/2009 5:01:43 PM | Suicide is not the answer, trying to escape from your problems.
Never say this to someone suffering from depression or suicidal thoughts. The whole problem is that suicide seems like the perfect answer. When you're this miserable, and 99% of your mental traffic is devoted to negative thinking, offing yourself seems like the most logical way to escape.
When you're depressed, you're convinced you'll be depressed forever. You have zero hope in your situation improving. Your thoughts are devoted entirely to imagining the future, and coming up with the worst possible scenario for that future. Faced with that scenario, suicide becomes - in a twisted way - a source of relief.
Address the problem at the root. Elevate your mood, adjust your thought processes. "Working through it" works sometimes, but pharmaceuticals work great. | |
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 6/22/2009 5:22:31 PM | | She can't be the only thing you enjoyed in life. My suggestion is to enjoy yourself and have fun, however you want to. Have a few one-night stands maybe. Show yourself that you can have fun and enjoy yourself without her. And to be honest, there's nothing wrong with being single. I'm single and I quite enjoy it | |
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 6/22/2009 5:24:31 PM | | sorry OP for my lack of emphatizing, i need to think clearly first what i to post and do a research more on understanding suicidal/depression. | |
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 6/24/2009 10:42:15 AM | Thanks everyone I appreciate it. My problem is that I have been on here, been on other dating sites and no one will even answer my first email back. Once someone gets to know me and gets past the first few times of hanging out and dealing with my personality, they pretty much like me for the most part. I just can't get anyone to even email me or talk to me back, let alone go on a date with or anything at that matter.
I am slowly looking back and seeing that maybe I wasn't happy. We always got into fights about her not wanting to have sex with me or do anything. She always had an excuse for it and of course I believed her. Now I look back and she was just making those excuses cause she really didn't love me or for whatever reason, so it wasn't just my fault. She tried to make it work and love me again, only did it on her own. She should have told me how she was feeling and WE could have worked it out. But she didn't, so I"m starting to not blame myself completely anymore.
My problem is the girl I was with for 4 years before this girl, I broke up with her to go out with my current ex. I hated the girl before this one. But yet I still would think about what if we were still together and so on. It's been 4 years since her and I never really got over her. This time around I was the one dumped, betrayed, heartbroken, told was a 4 year mistake. If I couldn't get over someone I broke up with and hated, how in the world can I get over this girl?
I was about to move out of parents house and start a life and family with her, took me 26 yeears, my whole life to finally want to do this, cause I was scared or immature. I finally put myself out there and was told I was a mistake and everything. That kills me and my self esteem. How in the world can I get over that. I'm afraid that I will eventually do something stupid to myself or whatever. Just a matter of when. If I get into a real bad depressed mood, weather it be cause I find out she is moving in with this guy, pregnant or anything or just anything that makes me depressed that bad again, I'm afraid I will do it. | |
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 6/24/2009 3:41:48 PM | | The same thing happened to me and it has been 2 years and I am still messed up. I feel your pain man. I have dated different girls but nothing compares to my ex. I don't know what to tell you but I know exactly what your going thru. Goodluck and Take Care. | |
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:59:38 AM | | Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Minako 79 is correct, It is NOT the answer. And there is no harm in saying it. This coming from one who has tried it. | |
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 6/26/2009 12:48:35 PM | | So how do I get over her? It's just after everything we have been through and one day says can't wait to move out with you next month and want to be pregnant by the end of the year and then 2 weeks later says 4 years were mistake, never really loved you, was just scared to be alone only reason I was with you. How do I get over that? My whole life scared of commitment and being with same girl for rest of my life. I finally realized it to myself that it is what I want and with her and then this happens. How do I get over that, call it low self-esteem, betrayal whatever. How do I stop thinking about her and everything. I wonder if she will ever call me in 4 years even just to see how I'm doing, weather she is married or single or whatever. I just can't stop thinking about it all and driving me crazy. | |
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 6/26/2009 1:56:01 PM | Because Matt, she is a little girl that has no clue what she wants. Teenage relationship rarely last as long as your did and in retrospect even you can admit it was far from perfect. The only thing that will heal this situation is time. Do not rush into a new relationship right away.
To be 25 years old and had 2 really loooong relationships is a sign that you do not like change and are willing to put up with just about any level of crap a girl hands you so you are not alone. Try being single for a while if you are unhappy with other aspects of your life then make a plan and change them.
But never consider hurting yourslef over a person who could care less. SHE and any other woman is not worth taking you away from a family that loves you.
Ten years from now you will barely be able to remember this bimbos name. | |
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 7/8/2009 3:40:19 PM | | Thanks everyone for the replies and help. My problem is I have felt depressed and hated my job and life for past year or so, even when we were together and it was all perfect. But I always had her to keep me going, now don't have anything. I just spent all of 4th of July weekend at home by myself after work. Parents went away to see family, I had to work(wouldn't go anyways). So I am really alone and wanted nothing but life with her. I'm afraid I will never get over her, ever. I know myself better than anyone and I will never get over her. It's been 2 months and I was still crying about it today and couldn't sleep at all last night thinking about it all. This sucks. | |
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 7/8/2009 7:24:48 PM | Hi Matt,
Was just flicking through this section and this thread and your post in particular caught my eye.I felt compelled to write to you after having similar experiences. Matt, there is nothing wrong with you, the emotions you are feeling are perfectly natural and the points raised on all of the posts here are valid ones. There are a lot of people here and around the world who have been where you are now. It's a kind of grieving process that you are going through just as if someone close to you has died. I experienced the same thing personaly when I was your age with my first love at the tender age of 23yrs and thought the world had finished for me. I felt alone, isolated and that there was something wrong with me, that it was in a lot of ways my fault too name just a few. But here is the thing my friend'. After a while things did get better at that time. Years later you could say things up'ed a gear, when after being married for 13yrs and with three children my marriage collapsed. Again I found myself back where I was when I was 23. This time it was worse (or so I thought at the time) i considered ending it all at one point. I sought councelling, anti depressants. I hit the booze briefly. My ex made me believe I was crazy until I believed it, only to be told after assessment there was nothing wrong with me.
For me at the time I had one of those epithany things, you know a moment of clarity. to end it all would cheat myself out of all the wonderful things that might happen the rest of my life. Keep family and friends near, dont be afraid to tell them how you are feeling most if not all will do all they can to support you mate! If they dont then they are not worth knowing. I know it seems everybody is giving you all this wonderful advise and nothing is helping right now. This is because you were obviously very in love with this person and relied on them for support. They have gone so it seems and so has your support, but nothing could be further from the truth. You will find one morning that there are alot of people around you that care for you probably more than you know right now. From what I have read from your post's my friend, this woman' was not right for you at all. Crying is normal, its how we as humans grieve when we hurt, but it will stop and you will smile and be happy again, as sure as the sky is blue, you will. The healer is time my friend pure and simple. These experiences change you in subtle ways and everytime you bounce back a little stronger emotionaly than before. Matt, you are a good guy!! dont waste yourself over someone like that. You have already done something positive by joining this site mate! who knows who you might meet, she (the ideal person) may be here all the time. In the meantime you can make a lot of friends here. Just look at the response you have had already. We all care otherwise we wouldnt be writing to you!
In your own time mate there really is no rush, find what is best for you. Explore all the different options. By all means grieve, but dont let it take over your life. Everyday try to do something different for you! go out with friends occasionaly, enjoy yourself, try not to dwell on things ( I know easier said than done) try joining some clubs in your spare time. The bottom line..... live your life the way you think it really should be and dont be afraid to reach out if you need too. Mate! I once stood on a beach in the dark considering whether to end it all. I phoned a friend, that turned me around. Yes the next day I still felt the same so I phoned other friends. I told my family how I was feeling, it helps to get it out. I used anti depressent tablets. They do help big time but the down side is they take time to work. In my case they made me feel worse before they made it better. If you decide to go that way, discuss this in detail with your doctor and in any case talk to a doctor. If your doctor is not very sypathetic to your present condition, get another who is.
In closing Matt, DO NOT' give in to it. Heck if you want to I will give you my email or whatever so you can off load when you need too. Life is precious mate! you have so much to give and experience and enjoy dont waste it.
All the very best and keep your head up mate!
Steve (UK) | |
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 7/9/2009 7:22:31 AM | | Thanks man. My problem is I have no friends left really, like literally. Have no family near me but parents I live with and they are no help. I have felt depressed and this way for past year or even more. But always had her. I would stay home on my days off and not even eat or get dressed or do anything, just wait for her to get out of work and come over, then I would be a little better. We would get into a fight once in a while how she said I was so lazy. I told her I think it was because I was depressed. I was in denial and thought nothing was wrong, because I always had her. Then it ends this way about to move out and start a family and 2 weeks later she says it's over and 4 years was a mistake and never really loved me. How do I mentally and emotionally get over that? I still sit around and do nothing and be depressed just like before, but now have no one and just think about it over and over again and what she said to me. | |
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 7/9/2009 4:45:46 PM | I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Sounds like you are going thru the normal grieving process as if someone had died, like another poster said. You are not alone, many has been thru this ordeal including me.
I promise in time you will get better. It might sound foreign now but in another year you will feel different. When one door closes another opens. You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. Please...don't commit suicide. As a mother who has lost a son in infancy I must say the grief is nearly unbearable. Think of the pain the ones who love you will suffer, your mother for instance. I hope no parent suffers such a loss and heartache like I have.
Surely there is a doctor or clinic to help you, check with your local hospital for references. Some may even have special programs for those without insurance.
Best of luck and prayers for you.
 You deserve much better than this. | |
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 7/9/2009 10:47:54 PM | Matt,
I have just gone through alot of depression myself from losing a really good friend.
This friend walked out of my life and never looked back and left me with a feelings
of loneliness, depression and desperation. I believed that he was my solid rock to lean on and when he was gone, I couldn't manage life on my own. I decided to turn all of my inner demons that kept me from having a happy fulfilling life over to God and really prayed that he would intercede in my life and take away the hurt. I truly believe that God works in ways we can't see because I look back now and realize that I am a much stronger person today then I was a year ago and that friend that was in my life wasn't God's Plan for my life. If you give yourself some healing time and get involved with things that distract your mind from thinking about your past like a a church ministry, community service, new hobby, take a walk while listening to upbeat music , continously say positive affirmations to yourself you will soon find out that you don't need someone else in your life right now to make you happy. Believe in yourself and work on yourself and you will find in time that when you do meet that special someone that you will spend the rest of your life, you will realize why the other relationships didn't work out. | |
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 7/10/2009 12:21:40 PM | | Thanks but I'm not religious at all and thinking about god doesn't help me at all and won't help. Just not for me. I need a new job or something to keep mind off of her, being lonely and just everything. I'm going to a conert tomorrow, hopefully that will help, even if just for one day. | |
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 7/10/2009 5:26:45 PM | Hi Matt,
I have just read the replies to your original post and your own. Matt It does seem to me that at the point where you are at the moment, without sounding harsh you do need to prioritise. This unfortunately you cant do as nor could I when I was in that position. Depression which to me is plainly the emotion you are experiencing right now, does not by it's nature allow a person to be objective, hence the number of people who have been in the same position allowing themselves to think thoughts of self harming. To me this should be your number one priority. Sort this out first. Consult a good doctor explain your circumstances and you can then begin a course of anti depressants. Like I mentioned in my previous post they will make you feel better in a month or two, but your feelings in the short term temporarily may get worse. This whole process is not easy, but day by day things will start to improve.
Combining this treatment with exercise sometimes helps. If your so tired from running or working out, you will not have the energy to sit and think to much on things you will just want to sleep, plus the hormonal response from exercise releases what some call feel good chemicals into the body post workout. This did help for me at the time. for me the worst times was first thing in the morning when full awake and refreshed your mind is then yet again allowed to wander and analyse and re analyse things. Here is where you need to keep finding things to occupy you mind, or your time what ever it may be for you that is. a lot of people have mentioned religion and yes for an awful lot of people that was an answer for what ever they call God. This said however it does not help everybody in your position. When things have settled some what emotionaly, when the treatment kicks in there will inevitably be a time when you will go through a number of processes. I know this because I know I'm not the only one to have experienced these. This will be the healing process. Lack of confidence, anger, lethargy, self doubt you will experience them all. This is the stage where councilling may assist. The needs you are experiencing appears to be because you based your world around someone who has pulled the rug out from under you. Just ask yourself one question through all this though. Do you think she is feeling the same way... I would hasten a guess here, again not wishing to sound harsh' but probably not. She may one day though, but right now that should not be your concern.
Keep a diary, each day try new things.. see if it helps. If it doesnt discard it. convert your feelings to paper in your diary, it sometimes helps to right things down. In the Uk we have an organisation called the Samaritan's which is a 24hrs hotline for people who are in this position and also in others. They are trained councillors on the end of the phone. They can help, if you have an equivelent service in the US you may consider using that. You mentioned trying for a new job. That my friend is the first positive thing you have said so far and proves to me you are aleady showing strong signs of wanting to make things better for you. A lot of people may tell you to cowboy up' or toughen up, but that doesnt help you right now i know, nor may resorting to religion if it's not your way. I have my beliefs but wouldnt ram them down someones throat, if it obviously wouldnt help them. If you still need proof there is life after a relationship my friend, read the replies to your post's.These people have obviously been when your at, including me and we are still here. It is possible my friend is all im saying, but it will not be painless or easy, but on the flip side is it wont be forever either. You can do it mate and I suspect deep down you, in yourself know you can do it.
By all means try some of the above things, but i really recommend early treatment from a doctor for what seems to be right now acute depression. They are professional's and will be better able to determine what is right for you. Friends you can be make even if it's just at work when you go' for that new job. Enjoy the concert mate! keep your head up, believe in tomorrow and try to keep smiling.
Steve (UK) | |
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| How Do I Get Over Her and Everything
Posted: 7/10/2009 5:34:32 PM | h,i matt, been there where u are now few years ago after 12 yrs together, and im in my 40s, she left me 4 sum1 else and left me with 2 young kids, the emotions u feel can change several times a day, and u think of nothin else only her and what went wrong,,,
believe me time will heal, sounds crap now, did 2 me as well, but as time goes on ull see, so do hang in there,
what ur going thru is grief, and u have to grieve, i dont mean this to sound nasty, cos i do understand what ur goin thru, but u gotta get off ur ass, stop feelin sorry 4 yourself, your worth more than she'll ever be, in 2yrs time ull be wonderin why u wasted this part of ur life tryin 2 change somethin that u cant, so chin up chest out, and start livin again,, enjoy ur life, do thing u always dreamed of doin on ur own,, be it holiday, run a marathon,, whatever, just get out there and DO it,, all de best,,pal. | |
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