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Posted: 6/23/2009 11:31:05 AM | I have a problem with my 8 year old. This little problem started about the last month or so at school (maybe sooner or later than that). Anyway, whenever she gets into trouble she will say "it's not my fault". It just bugs the begeezus outta me. For instance, she has chores everyday,certain chores she does everyday with an extra chore added on each day. Like, she has to make her bed and feed her cat everyday plus an extra chore (mondays - clean room, tuesdays - wash dishes, etc.) I come home last night from work and saw no food in the cat's dish. I asked,
"Did you feed your cat today?"
She said, "no".
"Well, why not?"
"Gaw, it's not my fault, you didnt remind me."
I told her she knows what her chores are that day. In case she forgets, it is also written on the chore list on the refridgerator.
That's just an instance, this has become a habit whenever she forgets or gets in trouble. It is never her fault, it is always someone else's. I have talked and talked to her about responsibility, threaten to take the cat away if she cant remember to feed it, I have grounded her, I dont know how to break her of this. Anyone have any advise? Do you think this is just a faze? | |
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Posted: 6/23/2009 11:41:40 AM | If she isn't held accountable for her actions nothing will ever be her fault.
Grounding doesn't do much as a punishment, talk to her and ASK her what punishment she thinks would be acceptable for not doing such and such.
Don't threaten unless you are 100% willing to follow through.
When she asks you tonight whats for dinner, I'd tell her it isn't your fault supper isn't made...because she forgot to tell you.
but yea...it could just be a faze she is going through | |
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Posted: 6/23/2009 11:49:16 AM | Q: I dont know how to break her of this. Anyone have any advise?
A: The kid is not the problem, you are. My girls have had friends just like this over to visit. I don't have to tell the girls to hang the towels up after they get out of the pool, my girls tell them. They tell them my dad has rules and one is hanging up your own towel. I am amazed that these kids do what I tell them to do, but when their own parents come to pick them up and go "let go time to leave" they just sit there looking at the TV. When I say "did you hear what your mom/dad just said" they jump. They do this because they know I mean it. Getting away with stuff is learned; to make them learn that they can't get away with stuff takes back bone. Grow one. | |
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Posted: 6/23/2009 11:49:32 AM | I agree with above poster's advice about not threatening on something you won't follow through on. If you're not prepared to take away her pet, then don't threaten it because by 8 years old, she knows that won't happen therefore doesn't take you seriously.
Instead of saying "you're grounded", how about trying it almost in reverse. Take away a privilege, for example TV or computer use, and make an agreement that if she consistently does her chores for two days (or whatever amount you agree on), then she will be permitted an allotted time on the computer, playing outside, etc. Once she shows she is trustworthy enough to continue her responsibilities, add more time until she has earned back completely what she had before. And keep on doing it every time she slacks.
Advice only, and I wish you luck in finding something that works for you. | |
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Posted: 6/23/2009 11:51:38 AM | Thanks,
I am dead serious about getting rid of the cat. I made the threat about if she didnt clean up after her cat, it was going outside. She didnt clean up after the cat so the cat went outside. I have no problems following thru with my threat. But considering she still feeds the cat (with a little prodding from me) I dont feel I can take the cat away. I could not remind her to feed the cat I guess... maybe i will stop reminding her to feed the cat.
She is also paid an allowance for doing her chores. However, the stipulation is that she has to do her chore without being reminded 50 million times and has to do it without whining about it. If she whines about her chores, she still has to do them, she just wont get paid for them. She has gone 2 weeks without her allowance.
Yesterday, I told her before I left for work, what her chore was that day and that she had to do it before I got home. It was her responsibility. If she wanted allowance money to go on vacation with, she needs to do her chore without complaining. I told the babysitter that she had chores that day, and my child knew what she had to do before I got home. I think the babysitter reminded her once about her chores and my daughter told her it would be done before I got home. To her credit, she did make her bed but she didnt clean her room and didnt feed her cat. | |
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Posted: 6/23/2009 12:03:33 PM | Freetime,
I might be inclined to agree that I might be the problem had this problem been a recurring one. But, it is a new problem that has popped up within the last month or so. I do ground her, take away privileges, I have even taken away toys, I make her go to bed without dinner if she throws a fit about what I fixed and refuses to eat it. She still does her chores but the last 2 weeks she wasnt paid her allowance because she whined about doing her chores.
Her favorite toys are her horses. When this problem started I threatened if she didnt accept her responsibility, do her chores, and stop throwing fits about it, I was going to remove all her horses from her room and she can "earn" them back. She decided to push me, so that is exactly what I did. I have all her horses. In the two weeks I took them, she has "earned" like 5 back, but had to return 3 of them for throwing her tantrums. At first, I thought she was doing this for attention, like maybe I wasnt spending enough time with her. Even though we take walks every nite, just her and I, I still made a point to spend more time with her. She helps me bake cookies, we go for bike rides, read, play games, whatever she wants to do. She is doing better but instances like yesterday are still happening. | |
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Posted: 6/23/2009 12:17:28 PM | That is very frustrating. I hope it is just a phase. I don't know if this will help, but I would ask her whose fault it is, and then if she says it was your fault for not reminding her, I would tell her that wasn't the deal.
Some children claim the "It's not my fault" line when they are afraid of the repercussions. In the beginning I would make sure there weren't any repercussions more than a gentle reminder.
For example:
"Suzy, you forget to clean the littler box."
"It's not my fault. you forgot to remind me."
"Suzy, it is your fault, and until you acknowledge that it is your job to clean the littler box and it is NOT my job to remind you to do so, we will just sit here quietly."
"In other words Suzy, all I want to hear you say is, "Sorry mom, you are right. I did forget to clean the litter box and I will try harder to remember the next time."
Good luck. | |
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Posted: 6/23/2009 12:24:22 PM |
"In other words Suzy, all I want to hear you say is, "Sorry dad, you are right. I did forget to clean the litter box and I will try harder to remember the next time."
Since this OP is a woman, not a man....Sorry Mom, you are right. I did forget to clean the litter box and I will try harder to remember the next time.
~ponders whether or not future truly is a Man or a Woman.....freudian slip or perhaps future thought the OP was a man.....
OP - good advice given so far but you know, if this is a recent change in her behaviour, perhaps there is something going on in her life that is raising her level of stress, which in turn is making her forget things she never used to forget. Is there? Have you asked her? | |
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Posted: 6/23/2009 12:25:49 PM | | Sorry, I thought the op was a man. If the op were a man and I had used the word "mom", I'm sure I would have gotten flack for assuming all single parents are mothers. | |
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Posted: 6/23/2009 12:31:36 PM | ^^^^^^ probably.... You just can't catch a break these days....these waters are getting pretty hostile for you to be in.....
edit: P.S. I still love ya.....feel better? | |
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Posted: 6/23/2009 12:37:25 PM | itsallinthesoul,
I have too wondered if something has happened in her life. The only major upheaval is her dad. He has been back in her life for over a year (he left soon after her birth). If that was bothering her, I would think problems would have started last summer. I have talked to her about her dad and she always tells me that she is glad he's around. She mentioned a time or two about us getting remarried, but that was just a fading question when he first came back and hasnt brought it up since last summer. When she did bring up the question of remarriage, I told her that her dad and I love her very much and we are friends but we wouldnt be getting remarried. That sufficed her. They get along fairly well and she is always glad to see him and him her.
As far as the chore thing, the chores were something I implemented about 6 months ago (well, she has been making her bed, cleaning her room, picking up after herself since she was about 5, but the wash dishes, feeding her cat (got the cat last year), dusting, etc are new (six months). | |
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Posted: 6/23/2009 12:39:47 PM |
^^^^^ probably.... You just can't catch a break these days....these waters are getting pretty hostile for you to be in.....
I consider the source. | |
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Posted: 6/23/2009 12:54:38 PM | | Try a walk back. Put her in the car drive a few blocks from the house take her shoes and tell her to walk back. Each time go a bit further. This worked on me when I was a kid, but my dad had to make me do a walk back from southern Mexico, before I learned it was better just to take care of the stuff on the list. Once you walk a 1000 miles with home made shoes, you learn lol. Sounds like your doing some of it right, increasing levels of pain. Knowing it is just easier to do the work right the first time. Peer presure works well to, but with one kid group punishment is hard. When there is more then one both get the walk back (or what ever) and then the other one pushes to get the work done too. Same way we train people in the army, increase the pain, if that does not work every gets to do push-ups for one mans mess up. Before long everyone takes care of the problem for you. Why I don't have to tell my kids friends to do stuff, my kids tell them to. Then reward the good days, not with gifts, but with the "hey good job today". Everyone likes to hear when they did something right and it makes them want to do it again. | |
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Posted: 6/23/2009 1:38:59 PM |
As far as the chore thing, the chores were something I implemented about 6 months ago (well, she has been making her bed, cleaning her room, picking up after herself since she was about 5, but the wash dishes, feeding her cat (got the cat last year), dusting, etc are new (six months).
It sounds like this stuff is just new to her, and not ingrained as a true habit or part of her day. So rather than all the punishment and consequences and power struggles, back up and think of how you can help her take ownership of these new responsibilities. Maybe if her routine chores are tied to your routine chores, then you can remind her every day without it being a hassle for both of you. If you start getting dinner ready every day at 5, then at 5 you can say "ok, time for me to start dinner and you to take care of kitty." Or you walk in the door after work and say "hi sweetie, come on into the kitchen with me to feed kitty and tell me about your day." Chores are a child's first "job" -- if they're seen as drudgery then how is the child going to view "work" as she grows up? Chores are things we all need to do to make a home run smoothly; they should be done cheerfully (& preferably with loud music on in the background)!
I have learned too, that a list on the fridge is basically invisible after about the third day. A couple of summers ago, I used a spiral notebook to write my boys a new chore list every day. On each page were "daily chores" (feed dog a.m., make bed, feed dog p.m., feed cat, scoop litter box, etc.) with a space for them to check each one off, "today's chores" (put away clean clothes, strip sheets off beds, vacuum living room carpet, etc.) that they would strike through as they finished them, and any notes relevant to the day. It was repetitive for me to write some of the chores over and over again, but for them it was a new page every day so they didn't overlook it.
I have no problem punishing a child for not doing what he's supposed to do (my son's job at age 7 was cleaning the toilets because he refused to aim!), but I think it's only fair that we're sure we've really taught them, before we punish them for not learning. | |
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Posted: 6/23/2009 2:07:57 PM |
I have no problem punishing a child for not doing what he's supposed to do (my son's job at age 7 was cleaning the toilets because he refused to aim!), but I think it's only fair that we're sure we've really taught them, before we punish them for not learning.
Exactly. 8 is a little young to be expected to not forget chores, especially new chores. Please don't take the cat away. | |
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Posted: 6/23/2009 4:26:27 PM | She probably picked up "it's not my fault" from someone and saw them get away with it. Maybe a fellow school mate or even someone closer in her life.
I'd remind her nicely that she's old enough to remember and that you feel she's capable of doing chores as she's getting older.
I always tell my boys how grown up they're getting and how proud I am that they help me out. After they help me I hug them and tell them how happy I am that they are my wonderful helpers. The look on their face is of pride and happiness.
This gives them the incentive to help out more. When they do, I reward them with a special treat - telling them that they are so helpful that they deserve a treat (like a special dvd or even a trip to the movies).
This might help your daughter. | |
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Posted: 6/23/2009 5:08:25 PM | im not in a typing mood tonight and im about to sleep, will check back on thread tomorrow................
but........
next time she doesnt feed the cat - get rid! tell her it got hungry and left! | |
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Posted: 6/23/2009 7:52:07 PM | next time she doesnt feed the cat - get rid! tell her it got hungry and left!
Throw out an innocent animal because the child is a brat?
Oh, you westerners and your quaint refusal to beat your children. If I tried to mouth off to my folks like that back when I was a wee tyke, I'd get a boot thrown at my head. 'course, where I come from, that's par for the course.
No wonder your youth are world-famous for their delinquency :p | |
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Posted: 6/23/2009 8:08:39 PM |
Throw out an innocent animal because the child is a brat?
Oh, you westerners and your quaint refusal to beat your children. If I tried to mouth off to my folks like that back when I was a wee tyke, I'd get a boot thrown at my head. 'course, where I come from, that's par for the course.
No wonder your youth are world-famous for their delinquency :p
I agree, it's a crime to throw out an animal. Where are you from? | |
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Posted: 6/23/2009 9:22:05 PM | I think you should focus more on positive renforcement when she does good things, (rewards and praise) and generally when she does bad things alot of times its not nessary to punish her, because alot of bad things have natural consequences. For example if she dosent feed the cat it might run away etc. If she's supposed to wash her clothes for school and she dosent then she will end up not having any clean clothes, it only really has to happen once and she will be making sure her clothes are washed.
I would also like to point out i think its very important to value her opinion. You are the adult and she is a helpless child, but she is still human and her opinion is very important, its important to talk and discuss things with your kids.
Ive noticed in the grocery store before a mother and her kid talking and the kid responds to her mother with " yes ma'am" but i also notice that the mother responds to the child as "ma'am " as well. If you treat her like an adult she will act like one. You also might want to question some of the things your having her do as well... making her bed sounds like something you probably care about but im sure she really dosent care about her bed being made in the least. Is it really necessary for her to make her bed just to please you? I think giving a kid chores can be a nice thing but if its not something that really needs to be done it can fall on deaf ears.
Another route you can go is, Lets say your kid wants to go to the park then when you get there she wont leave when you say its time to leave. In this case before you go to the park you make a pact with her, you tell her hey we can go to the park but we have to leave as such and such a time. Might even help to remind her once it gets close to time to go that the time is approaching. This way they arent supprised and they know "time to go" is comming and know to expect it. Now i know you arent having trouble with that particular issue but it can be applied to other things.
Now ive never been a parent but it wasent long ago i was a teen and my dad tried to micromanage everything we did. He had to push me every inch of the way at least till i was 16-17... untill one day i started doing it not because my dad said so but simply because i wanted to help out.
Im not sure how many of these things apply for you but maby if they dont apply now they can be applied in the future etc. I would also like to stress again... positive enforcement and natural consequences
This is not particularly to you but to all parents... if you push your kids to do stuff their entire life and never let them figure anything out on their own or do anything because they want to. They will never learn to do anything on their own and really be screwed when it becomes time to move out. | |
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Posted: 6/24/2009 12:11:30 AM | | Everyone is for positive reinforcement. Thats all well and good. Your daughter gets an allowance. I'd put a price by each chore she has and a total at the bottom. On a separate sheet the total at the top. Explain to her its up to her if she does her chores or not. But everytime she doesn't do a chore the price for that chore will be taken off her allowance. So it'll be up to her how much money she gets. | |
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Posted: 6/24/2009 12:14:02 AM |
Bialystok, Poland.
I have some relatives (ancestors, really) from Sierpce, back when it was considered part of Russia. | |
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Posted: 6/24/2009 12:17:57 AM | question is did you give her all these chores at once, or one by one. you should go back to basics.
do you leave her alone while you're at work? if so, perhaps you should get a family member to stop in to supervise and encourage her to do some activies and chores.
do the chores while you're there. tell her you'd like a fun activity to do but because she hasn't done her chores, you have to supervise. and perhaps next time if she does some, you'll have more time to play together. why can't you call once in awhile to talk and ask her to do a chore. i'm sure she doesn't do them for attention.
I alos think giving her 3 chores a day is a bit much for her age, while feeding her cat would be a priority, her bed or doing an extra chore isn't. if she does them, praise her. change it around, so it's something different and she'll not get bored with the same routine. | |
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