| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/24/2009 7:25:20 PM | | I am 26 years old. I have been in a few serious relationships and nothing seems to work out. But my problem is not even known. All the guys Ive been with always say that I am the best girlfriend they have ever had. I am not pushy, clingy, I never want to change anyone....Guys get close and the relationsips are always fun and easy, it seems. But around month 7 or so they seem to pull away. Most go back to their old girlfriends...I just dont get it. The part that I really dont get is....once they leave, they always try to come back and say how much they miss me or a how big of a mistake they had made. Stating that they were confused and didnt think they were good enough for me. I still get emails, calls and so on from exs saying they love me and how sorry they are...I am nice and will be there but I cant take someone back that has hurt me like that. Why am I not worth it while they have me? Why do they pull away and then try to get me back once I am over everything? Why cant a guy just be happy that he is happy? Its like I am the guy in the relationships and they are the ones causing drama. What is wrong with this picture? | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/24/2009 7:36:37 PM | A couple of things may be going on....it may be that your picker is in need of repair. But I do sympathize with your plight. Sometimes it seems like 30 is the new 14.....kind of like it's said 50 is the new 30, and think that may be a GOOD thing! lol
People seem to take longer and longer to grow up. It could be hard to find someone in your age range who has emotionally evolved enough to be committed to you. I wouldn't suggest going too much older either, there are so many problems there....
You may want to take your time and evaluate the character of your next partner before you become too attached......skip the re-bounders.....and good luck!
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/24/2009 7:38:24 PM | 1st, you look amazing with your hair down. Second, Thanks for your service to our country.
What reasons were these guys breaking up with their ex, how long were they with their ex before you,and how many times has this happened (you use plural tense)? you state by about month 7, what is their communication like with their ex? Were they still trying to remain "friends" with their ex. Do you rule out the possibility they are seeing both of you at the same time, then decide to spring for the longer term one then realize they cant handle commitment to one person and want back what they had?
I dont mean to sound harsh in any of these thoughts but just trying to get more information on the situation, most guys dont just up and split back to their ex's did the ex dump them? I am at about 8 months in my relationship and I wouldn't dream of taking my Ex back.
Assuming these are not all @sses just using you, perhaps your attempts to be the ideal girlfriend, maybe you try to hard and push them away? sorry I havnet answered yoru question, just thinking out loud | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/24/2009 8:42:39 PM | A guy does not leave a girl because he honestly thinks the girl is too good for them. The hidden meaning of this is the guy is bored after 7 months because you are the Nice Girl who never gives the guy any problems or has any demands. This is all great for the guy for the first few months but after 1/2 a year he won't be happy because there is no challenge for him ...and... so he reverts back to someone not so nice. After 6 months of hell with the not so nice gf, of course they will miss you again and thnk they made a mistake. More commonly called the Nice guy/girl syndrome which happens alot for the 20's to early 30's age bracket.
Once you get into the late 30s age bracket things change as there are more people who enjoy being with the nice guy/girl after many years of being in a relationship with a jerk. | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/24/2009 8:47:37 PM | If you are in the military, are you sure that possibly it wasn't your job that got in the way? were you going to be deployed at some point? Were you currently out of the country? Look for the easiest solution. Distance relationships are difficult, they may have decided at 6-7 months that they didn't want to be faithful to a girlfriend that might be gone for the next 15 months
just a thought... | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/24/2009 9:25:19 PM | Now, here's a twist. Have you ever thought about the fact that maybe its not the guys, but in fact the fault lies with you? I mean, women are natural nurturers, so we tend to be very giving. In the beginning a new relationship the passion and newness keep it exciting. But have you ever noticed that you start changing your routine to accommodate his? Skip your time at the gym or going to the beach with your friends, not intentionally feeling clingy, just lovin' to spend time with your guy. (but this gives the impression that you're needy). Or you go out of your way to prepare a nice meal or establish a regular routine of doing so, again giving of yourself to invest in a meaningful relationship. But again, it comes across to your guy that you're trying to reel him in. Don't get me wrong, I've been down that road myself. It can be extremely painful. But let's face facts, guys are not looking for a mother. The best thing you can do for yourself is to realize you own worth. Save and use that energy on yourself. Take care of you, splurge for yourself. Be all that you can be, if he can be flexible enough to fit into your schedule Great! But if you want to be Happy you have to choose to be and not depend on someone else to make it happen. And guys will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Step two is to ease into a relationship, fast and furious is Great, but burns out quickly. Get to know the guy, before the intimacy starts. Great friends are hard to find and its a wonderful place to start. Good Luck! | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/24/2009 10:04:40 PM | I will probably get a lot of guff about this but sometimes the wine needs to age before it becomes smooth.
If you are having guys call you for a second chance I would at least ponder the thought unless you feel no interest at all.
Sometimes it takes people a while to grow up and it may have been bad timing on the first go round.
As far as the 7 month thing maybe you are revealing a more dominant side of yourself by then and they are confused.
I have a freind who I truly love and have know for 35 years that always acted like MS. Stepford (all incompassing and satisfying) for the first 4 months of a relationship so much sometimes that I often was totally bewilderd at who this person was.
Then she got sick of her own behavior didn't recognise herself and would revert back to the real person who was totally lovable in the beginning but just could not see that.
This has ended well once the last time because they both dropped their gaurd took stock and began working on the reality show. | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/25/2009 7:57:40 AM | I'm gonna go with Bigbadmike on this one. One of the worst beliefs perpetuated throughout the dating world is that you somehow need to be a "problem person" in order to have someone be interested in you. If this is a commonly-held belief (and if these forums are any reliable indicator as a general cross-section representation of the singles out there, and I think they would be), it's no surprise to me that divorce rates skyrocket, relationship "gurus" (shysters) profligate like home theft during a depression, and people no longer treat Valentine's Day as a reason to celebrate love, but as a reason to be so emo that even the goth kids want to smack them up one side and down the other.
Be mature. Be an adult. Get past silly high school notions of "He/She has to look this way, have this career option available, be this tall" ad infinitum. I'm not accusing you of these beliefs, OP, I'm saying this is good advice that should be taken by everyone who wants to be a worthwhile contribution to a dating pool. One shouldn't come to a personals site because it's the only seeming option they feel they have left. One ought only to come to such a place because it's yet one more option available to them, and they want to expand their horizons.
If a woman believes a guy has to be problematic to be interesting, or if a guy believes the same about a woman, there is an abundantly obvious contradiction there, so recognizable that even the lowest of attempted critical thinkers expresses confusion over such a perspective, and immediately comes to these forums in the vain hope that there's logic attached to it which they just haven't somehow grasped yet, logic to validate the perspective. Here's news for you: there's no logic to such a belief, and for that reason alone, the belief ought to be stamped out like the basest of****oaches.
Ayn Rand said in "Atlas Shrugged" "If there's a contradiction, check your premises, and you'll find one of them is wrong." Contradiction solved. Use logic. :) | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:31:16 AM |
But have you ever noticed that you start changing your routine to accommodate his? Skip your time at the gym or going to the beach with your friends, not intentionally feeling clingy, just lovin' to spend time with your guy. (but this gives the impression that you're needy). Or you go out of your way to prepare a nice meal or establish a regular routine of doing so, again giving of yourself to invest in a meaningful relationship
Why cant I meet a woman like this LOL | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:31:54 PM |
I'm gonna go with Bigbadmike on this one. One of the worst beliefs perpetuated throughout the dating world is that you somehow need to be a "problem person" in order to have someone be interested in you.
I was referring specific to OP's situation and the type of men she had dated who seem to not be stable (indecisive). You don't say "you're the best" and then leave..unless you're lying.
And I should have not used "problem person" but "problematic relationship" as the guy could be going back to a relationship that previously failed with neither guy or girl being a problem person individually. | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/25/2009 3:41:41 PM |
She has a boyfriend who's gonna get mad and threaten you - You'll come off as a creep in front of everyone, and no woman will want to talk to you the whole night - Your friends will make fun of you - She'll scream and call you a stalker and the guards will throw you out of the building - She's got a really nasty put-down lined up for you that will make you feel like crap for the rest of the night - You'll end up falling for her, and then have to endure the agony we all do, watching her go home with another guy Why cant I meet a woman like this LOL Funny, I was thinking the exact same thing, how refreshing it would be to find someone like this for a change. Hang in there OP, you're a very attractive women and a great guy WILL come along soon enough. | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/25/2009 4:43:40 PM | It sounds like they are confused and dont know what they really want out of a long term partner. There are pheromones released in the brain when you first begin a relationship that only last so long. This will actually help to keep a couple together for a while but they eventually dissapate over time as you get used to each other. Then they may notice some little things they may not like about you and it could build up, they begin having thoughts that the grass might be greener on the other side.
Just remember its their loss! I think you should just take the lessons of how they were and learn from that and dont repeat the same mistake of picking up another man that you think might repeat that. Yes, some of us do actually know what we want and who the keepers are. | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:08:56 PM | Hello Zsaoosh777....Tell ya what Dollface, I have Grand Babies your age and your plight is no different now than it was back when your mama and daddy were debating your existance from the comfort of a back seat of a car....men are pigs, plain and simple, we love a woman that gives us no difficulties and we bail cause there is no contention....we need to fight, we need our azzes kicked, we need to be put up wet...you wanna keep me, kick me in the balz...show me your worth....
You sound like shelter to me when it is a storm I'm needing | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/25/2009 7:07:20 PM | Zsa I have the same problem. I always have guys come crawling back and blah blah blah. I think it's been said in this forum already in a nicer way but I'm going to be blunt and maybe a little controversial but oh well....
Men love ****es. Straight up. They want the challenge, the hunt. They say they want a drama free, smart, non clingy girl but actions speak louder than words right? I bet you have friends who you know are evil as hell but have the most devoted boyfriends ever in life right?
Same goes for women. We like bad boys. We like the challenge of trying to change them, and tame them.
Bottom line all you can do is be yourself hun and hopefully someone will come along and appreciate what a wonderful girl you are. So what you've gotten passed over by a bunch of douches. All you need is one prince. He's coming girl. Have faith! | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:26:45 PM | I do not know how to tell you this........but I will, since I have this need to do so......
Most times if a man leaves, it has to do with sex, family, money, control, or that ever decisive ****iness.......
So, let me guess, you are good in bed but not great.......your family means more to you, thea your relationship, or they like to control you......you want more than what he can give or is willing to offer.........you like your independence, but you do not like his...........or you prefer to complain over just enjoying?
Pulling away IS NOT a one sided activity, and takes both to make it happen, one way or another.
Just my opinion.......   | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/25/2009 9:40:11 PM | It sounds like you attract the guys that are looking for that warm, cozy fire to rest beside until they're ready to go again. That must be very hurtful for you...
When you are in this situation with a guy, you need to know that a lot of guys really NEED to know where the walls are and that it isn't wise to bounce against them. As they leave your life, you need to make it clear that the break is final and then, quit stumbling over what is behind you.
The challenge in this life is always to remain the person YOU want to be and if that's being a loving, comforting or compassionate type of lady, then be that but make sure the people you share that with, deserve you. Not everybody does. | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/25/2009 9:49:17 PM |
Men love ****es. Straight up. They want the challenge, the hunt. They say they want a drama free, smart, non clingy girl
And this statement is based on? Hello, not every guy wants a b**ch, I was married to one, never again. So it's quite unfair to claim "men" love b**ches when we ALL do not. That is like saying ALL women love and want the proverbial "bad boy, azzhole" type of guy, which I do not think to be entirely true, so generalizations are off here. Granted, some of each sex might be looking for those things, but not ALL of each sex. | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/26/2009 6:10:51 AM | Men just don't feel hot for strong women OP.
Every now and again there is a rare gem in the pile.
Problem is the pile is made of shit till you find the gem.
Feign the damsel in distress signal? Fake that you're weak? Let his ego think he's your hero?
If all that doesn't work...I understand great sex is supposed to keep them around "for a while" (sort of like male dogs that hover around the female in heat) and if THAT doesn't work...I'm out of smart a$$ed suggestions.
Keep in mind that most of the men here will probably say it's something about you. Of course it's not remotely possible that the men might have something to do with it.
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/26/2009 7:04:01 AM | This happens around month 7th? Mmmmmm. Two things. One, could be the commitment thing, either you want more or they want more and neither one is getting what they want. Second, it could be the sex thing. By the time you are in a relationship that long, you have done all the normal things, sex wise, but it's time to bring it up a notch. If you don't, the relationship goes into missionary, boring and dull. So, it's time to hit Victoria's Secret and buy some interesting things, or get a cool looking dress and wear it with no underwear and do something.
So, what it sounds is that you may be too "apple pie" nice, when it's time to be naughty. | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/26/2009 8:35:43 AM | Hmm, I have been the guy you are describing in this situation a few times. With a great girl who I adore that treats me right. Absolutely fantastic girlfriends, but after a while I drift away from them, and occasionally back into the arms of a b1tchy crazy ex.
The reason boils down to sex. These 'good girls' just don't know how to rock my world in bed like the psycho ones do. As far as everything else in the relationship, they are great, but when it comes to getting down & dirty, they just don't have the passion, excitement, and intensity of the girls with issues. Granted when I leave I miss having them as girlfriends, because they were really good to me, but I don't miss the boring mediocre sex.
Plenty of guys know about this. Hell, Buck Cherry even wrote a song about it. Guys are just looking for a woman who can be a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets. | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/26/2009 6:44:49 PM | | Actually lol its the opposite. The guys say love....I dont until I feel it. I go to the guy all the time. I do my own thing all the time. Sat nights is girls night out and he can have guys night out. They are the ones that cling...so its not that. But thanks | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/26/2009 6:47:41 PM | | Not this either. I dont deploy and I am not looking for someone to take care of my child. I do that and her father is there as well...and her father and I dont have drama. I am a very happy person. I do great on my own...I work out alot and love my job and have great friends. So this cant be it either. But thanks | |
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| Why do they all pull away?
Posted: 6/26/2009 6:55:33 PM | | LOL...Yeah that is my problem....even after they break my heart ... even though I wont take them back, I am still their shoulder to cry on. But I just cant be a b***h...I need lessons lol...I dont know. Thank you though | |
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