| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/24/2009 9:48:27 PM | Hello, I'm a first-time caller.
I am wondering how ladies who have had bad experiences with men can get around the trust issues. For example, if an honest man says he doesn't lie or that he has never cheated on a woman, can a woman believe the truth? Is such a man really that rare? Or can a woman not ever really trust a man?
Do anybody think some decent men may be getting rejected over misplaced distrust? | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/24/2009 11:32:49 PM | I'll back you up on this subject.
It's happened many times to me. Women will sometimes regard a man's kindness as a debt paid for a boyfriend who did them wrong- not a compliment.
P.S.- you're not alone. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/24/2009 11:38:06 PM | | Trust issues can be very distressing and can make an otherwise healthy relationship very tough to hold together. Ladies with trust issues have been burned at some point in the past and those feelings of betrayal and anxiety may still linger. An honest man may take this as insulting especially if he feels as though he spends most of his time reassuring her after a distrustful episode occurs. If a man is patient and proactive about reassuring her about things that may make her upset ahead of time it could help ease her anxiety. This may seem like a tall order but it may be something as simple as giving her a call to say you'll be late or disarm her distrust by grabbing her and kissing her deeply and hold her when she's feeling insecure. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/24/2009 11:49:28 PM | The thing about trust is that is shouldn't be given instantly, it should be earned.
Talk is cheap and people can say whatever they wish. But only time will prove if their words are true or not.
Bad experiences with people (in relationships, in business, etc.) are a part of life and mean one must learn to be more astute and discerning as they gain experience.
Choosing to trust "bad" people isn't about the other person, it's about the picker. Most all people, unless they are sociopaths, will drop clues and red flags. It's up to the individual to note them and heed them-- or not.
Many people don't recover from their poor judgment and rather than learn to be more discerning and take responsibility for their choices, they simply develop the ubiquitous "trust issues". These are the people I tend to stay away from: people who decide not to trust rather than grow in their level of social acumen. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:08:57 AM | | Its not just the ladies.I been burned pretty bad a few times.I try to give everyone new a chance.Its always in the back of your mind. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:14:05 AM | My experience has been, it's a problem if "the lady (or the man) doth protest too much."
A person who is trustworthy and has integrity has no need to go around proclaiming it; they simply behave in a way that their words and deeds are coherent, and that forges trust within a relationship.
Naturally, there are people who have been hurt and find it difficult or impossible to get past that experience, but those people (and I have been one once) are not ready for a relationship, no matter how wonderful you may be. M | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:14:54 AM | | It all depends on the confidence of that individual. If that hurt individual has overcome their situation or not. It takes time to heal the pain from being betrayed. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:21:08 AM | I agree trust, like respect is earned, it is not a given.
As for people with trust issues, yes they do have a problem. No one wants to engage in a relationship with someone who is harping on about what happened in their past, then accusing their new partner of misdeeds that havent taken place. Whatever happened to sitting back and letting people show you who they really are.
I take people as they come, if someone says that they are going to do something, I expect that they will do it. If they dont, then they are unreliable. I dont believe that we should hang our hats on every little utterance of someone else.
Personally I believe that its too easy to call everyone a liar, not to mention immature. People let other people down, lifes like that, it happens all the time. The 'trust issue' club really need to build a bridge and get over it. They should stop tarring everyone with the same brush, if you cant get over lifes disappointments and move on, you need therapy, not a new partner that you emotionally abuse by inferring they are liars and cheats. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:28:16 AM | Smart ladies know that whatever bad experiences they've had with guys who cheat or lie were about that particular guy or guys OP. You can't see someone's value system when you are initially getting to know them but the older and more experienced one becomes, the easier dishonest people are to spot.
There are some things that will make most of us leery of a guy such as a guy talking too much about how honest and trustworthy he is. As Landra said above... trust is something we need to accept having to earn. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:46:58 AM | Bad experiences only lead to trust issues if the person feels that they can't trust themselves or their own judgment. There is nothing another person can do to alleviate it.
Saying that one is honest, doesn't lie and has never cheated is fine if one only says it once. From there either the acts that follow will prove that to be true or false.
No, such a man is not rare. There are many wonderful, decent and honest men out there.
If a woman says that she can not ever really trust a man what she is really saying is that she hasn't developed the social skills and intuition to trust herself to make a good decision. Is this really a woman you want to date?
If these decent men are getting rejected over misplaced distrust I think they should consider themselves very, very lucky and move on to someone who is healthy and whole.
You can gender switch the entire thing and it will still be true. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:50:46 AM | Trust what's that? I lost all my trust for guys looooong ago. Why? Cause I been nothing but hurt and betrayed all my life. But you know wat, I'm still STUPID enough to keep trying!
Who do I trust? Me... lol
Sorry just having a really bad day.... | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 1:04:15 AM | Untrustworthy people do not trust! Just one of the many basic facts of life.
Many people have made some very bad choices in life and whether they realise it or not, their trust issue is actually with themselves.
Trust, Love, and Respect are three things I do give away at no charge.
All because I trust myself, I Love myself, and I also Respect myself.
I'm not afraid I will be lied to or disrespected. I count on it to happen. It's happened to people since the beginning of time. So what, I'm going to think I'm so fecking special that it shouldn't happen to me?
People really need to look inside and figure out why they are so closed off to the world. It's not something anyone else can fix, it's completely an inside job.
If someone ripped your heart out, you were co dependent. You were not 100%. That person somehow fulfilled your missing pieces. So when they left, those pieces went with them. Wa wa wa. That's the price you pay when you play adult before your done growing the hell up!
Fecking earn trust and respect! And what the feck do you do in the mean time to earn their respect and trust? Sounds to me like a blind man screaming, asking his deaf brother where his glasses are! | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 1:06:28 AM | Uhm..Im jaded, but no I really don't trust most men..
Or women... | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 2:44:25 AM | | I start out at 100% trust. Then there are demerit points from that time on, and they can be added back over time. But once you hit zero, I'm gone. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 3:01:30 AM | hi
if anything i am probably guilty of trusting right from the start and then maybe being dissapointed... its hard to keep bouncing back from these things but i dont want to spend my life being suspicious of mens motives ... thats negative.. i think decent men probably do get rejected because of the behavious or other men ... but thats life! the trick is not too take things too much to heart and if you really like someone then you should be able to understand and try maybe to help them not by telling them but by showing them ..actions speak louder etc etc | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 3:07:20 AM | Trust is not dead. The number of untrustworthy people may have grown along with the growth of the the world's population, but so has the number of trustworthy people. So the point is to go out and find that person. No one, and nothing should ever discourage you from finding your happiness.
I was burned in my last relationship, but I don't for one moment believe that every woman I meet is just like my ex. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 3:24:31 AM | Just because you consider yourself to be a decent man does not mean you’re a desirable man. If you’re not a desirable man or one whom women find compelling all the decency in the world will get you no where in life. Decency is seldom a selling point there are more elements of a persons persona than that. A decent person will loose out to a person who is let’s say decent and exciting or interesting or entertaining or intriguing or mysterious or successful. It is only one flower in a vase and you need a bouquet to sell the vase.
Quite often we have seen trust issues in relationships are actual rooted in low self-esteem. Now while we tend to say a woman’s self-esteem is based largely on the relationship she had with her father while in her developmental years. Self-esteem is really about the relationship you have with yourself. I had a person come to the office once and say their self-esteem was through the roof because of a compliment that was paid them. But compliments are not a basis for your relationship with yourself. It is wrong to tie possessions too promiscuously to your self-esteem also, as they don’t speak of self-esteem but of pride. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 3:35:16 AM | Trust is something that is built up over a period of time and it isn't about what someone tells us about themselves, it's what we learn about them.
Untrustworthiness isn't confined to men. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 3:50:12 AM | Bad experiences only lead to trust issues if the person feels that they can't trust themselves or their own judgment.
I like this quote. A person who has been burned, especially over a long time or repeatedly probably become conditioned and therefore probably do not trust their own judgment. Or they find that they become much too fine tuned to it and that warning bells are going off at the first white lie or skeptical event. Some of course run when they can't find anything because the fear of dealing with someone who is honest and upfront is terrifying as they are the ones who could hurt you most if and when they betray you. Of course these are inner things that need to be dealt with but many don't even know its there at first or what to change. Self introspection is not an easy thing and even when you do identify your own problem its not so easy to restructure yourself.
My moto on this has always been 'I trust you till I don't' | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 3:54:54 AM | Trust isn't dead, but I don't take it personally when it's not given. You have to realize most trust issues do not result because the person doesn't trust you, but because they don't trust themselves to make good decisions.
Personally, I'm quite trusting. When I look around me and realize how much trust I put in other people... from the people who provide me with food that hasn't killed me, to those who make vehicles that have provided me with safe transportation, and so on, it's hard to say there is no trust left. It's not so much that there's no trust, it's that some people just lack the ability to properly gauge it in others. I can't say I'm 100% perfect at it, but I trust my ability to figure out who can and cannot be trusted in a relatively short period of time. Sometimes I will be wrong, but that happens less often as I get older. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 4:05:32 AM | I am a trusting person, because I myself believe in fidelity and honesty. If the person I am dating starts throwing up red flags or showing me signs that they are being dishonest, I call them out on it immediately. I don't beat around the bush, I ask for the truth immediately, I am too old to be pulled into drama and insecurity about a relationship. If the man I am with is not happy with me, then he needs to move on. I do not have the time or the energy for a man who is not trustworthy.
Thank God I have a good man I can trust and who trusts me. I will never give him reason not to trust me, and I pray he never does anything to cause me to distrust him.
We are honest with one another, communication is the key to a great relationship.
Beth | |
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Dagaz!
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Joined: 5/11/2009
Msg: 23 | |
| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 5:08:49 AM | It takes time getting over trust issues. Relationships can be very complex or flow smoothly. If you feel you are not at the point of trusting someone yet in a relationship, don't try to push yourself beyond what you can't do yet. One day you will find the trust you lost. It just takes time. So go slowly, it will come back.  | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 5:46:16 AM | It appears to me that everyone has a psychological standard of their own behavior from which they will rarely if ever deviate. Once you understand a person's standard you can pretty much predict how a person is going to act, because it is unlikely they would be able to break it. A person with OCD for example can't control what he does anymore that a congenital liar. So the issue may not even be about trusting honesty, but trusting that people invariably will act within their own profile. So you allow other people to profile you psychologically and hope for the best.
Or something. | |
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