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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 10:20:21 AM | So here's my tale- hopefully I can get some clearer idea(s) about what's going on, and some suggestions on what to do. Let me preface this with the understanding that I realize not everything is black/white in life, rather- life is one big gray area.
So I met someone off here, and it was rather difficult to see if she was into me or not on the first meeting, but she definitely wanted to see me again. She claims to not have dated in a year (which I can believe, easily, knowing people like this). Anyway, we go on the 2nd date, talk for hours, have drinks, movie, more drinks, and...things happened. She was very excited to see me again the next day, so we met up for dinner.
4th date was so-so, laid back, and 5th date was interesting- my friends didn't think she was interested in me at all (keeping distance, no pda, etc).
She doesn't give the "usual" signs of interest either- I didn't get a phone number from her till the day of the 2nd date. I broke the "touch barrier", and she still has yet to. She seems aloof, or really rather *shy* towards me. Yet, when she comes to kissing (or more) she's all-in, and extremely passionate- yet I know that fun in bed does not = interest/romance these days.
This last week she didn't contact me for 2 days to get together (we've been taking turns setting up dates), and I, instead of waiting beck/call, made plans with some friends. Her week was filled so we agreed to see each other this weekend.
So we go from excited/making time to waiting a week. To be fair she did cancel on one of her 'plans' earlier this week and asked to see me, but I explained I had already committed to my outing.
Rarely communicates much via email, and txting is foreign as well. Very opposite any other dating experience I've had.
Part of me wants to believe she's not accustomed to dating/showing interest, the other part says she has lost interest/someone else. She is someone I can see starting something more with, she's a very interesting person: very bright, well adjusted, and with a complimentary demeanor for my own, and in many ways we'd make an easy/good match- we just need to get over this...barrier if that's what this is.
She's rather strong willed, which goes against her playing a game with me, or stringing me along, however, all my experiences dating before her suggest this is exactly what she's doing. Why would she keep going out with me (It's either interest/string/friend-zoned)?
Thoughts? Questions? Mixed signals driving me nuts. | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 10:53:16 AM | wow, that is definetly a lot to saok in. I dont have any thoughts on her intentions as Im not you and havent spent the time with her. Two things come to mind however.
1. have you told her how your feeling and asked what is going on in her head?? If your answer is no then do exactly that. Find out, ask her. If she acts like your overstepping then i think your answer is clear.
2. Maybe she wa a little mad at the fact that she cancelled plans for you and you wouldnt do the same? This is is just an assumption so you might not want to assume this as we all know what happens when you assume.
Hope this helped, best of luck and hope things go well with you 2. Sounds like you're haveing a blast together | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 10:57:11 AM | Thanks!
Well no, I haven't told her how I feel, but then it's been 3 weeks. I wouldn't say "feel" is right at this point, and now with the mixed signals it's throwing me for a loop.
She didn't cancel any plans for me- she canceled her plans then asked if I wanted to see her: so I was the back-up for her original plans that particular day.
You think she's just real slow n' shy, or done with me and maybe doesn't know how to say it? | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:01:25 AM | If she's not dated in a year, that indicates to me that she's also not used to the emotions that can flood your body when dating someone new and interesting. She may just need space to figure it all out.
Also, she was probably VERY uncomfortable with you and your friends. She was the new one in the group, she was unsure where she stood with you, and she probably felt a little overwhelmed. I wouldn't read too much into that situation. | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:03:23 AM | Theres only one way to find out. I know its only been 3 weeks but if you feeling that way then I dont see why expressing it should be a problem. If its a problem for her then maybe your not right for each other.
On a side note.. if she hasnt dated in a year then maybe shes being cautious. maybe shes having the same feelings and instead of letting them lose she is holding back to not scare you away. I think a nice talk would do the both of you justice. Go get'em tiger!! | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:08:47 AM | Well she seemed stand-offish prior to my friends being around. I had met some of hers the week before, so I understand, but sitting max distance, etc. I don't know.
Yes, I probably do need to speak with her, ask her what's going on. I don't think I'll mingle anything about 'feelings' in it though. I'm at a bit of a loss how to approach the subject given it's regarding her interest/not in me.
Should I just say I've noticed somethings in how you/I interact, and would like some clarification (not to stiffly, of course)?
Thanks again guys! | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:24:07 AM | You should approach her however you feel comfortable doing. Lets be honest tho Severin. You are FEELING that way correct? There should be no reason to sugarcoat it.
If you must... Ask her where you see this going. I mean there is no real way to ask this other than flat out asking her.
"You know we've had some great times together and I was just wondering where you think this is going?"
Let her answer, then if she returns the question. Tell her how you feel.. or "think" | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:24:27 AM | | No way to know for sure, but I'm going to guess that she's shy/unused to dating, then again I'm a bit of an optimist. If she isn't interested then it won't work out no matter what you do, if she is interested but just shy then it can work if you make a bit of an effort and are understanding. So you lose nothing you wouldn't have lost anyways by trying, and you have a chance of gaining a relationship with someone you like, so I suggest giving it more of a chance. You said she doesn't seem like the game player type, if that's true then having a direct talk with her probably isn't a bad idea. | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:32:22 AM | | Right on, good advice all around. I'll let you know how all this works out soon :) | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 4:37:09 PM | | Sounds to me like you are dating in the classic sense. She's probably dating other people and simply enjoying the experience. Why get all hung up on one person when she hasn't been in the dating scene for a while. Classic dating. | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 4:57:12 PM | | It sounds like she's not sure what she wants, likes the physical attention and spending time with you but doesn't want to feel 'possessed' in public. Also, she can't assume that you would like her to be overly possessive in public either: some men really hate that. She might be seeing others or might not be as interested as you, but my feeling is that she doesn't know how she feels yet and is just trying to keep it casual until she does. If she's not sure how you feel about her, then I think she's likely to remain casual and not show any deeper feelings. I can't guarantee any of the above but that's just my guess. If I'm right and you ask her how she feels, she won't know and will probably feel pressured too soon. If you show her you like her and want to see more of her, the worst she can do is to back off. If she doesn't back off but just seems to accept it and go along with it, that would suggest to me that things are going OK for her. She's just going with the flow until it all makes more sense. I suppose I've been there and done that myself which is why it seems familiar. | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 5:00:30 PM | Because I like to believe that the people I date aren't playing a game, and dating more than 1 person at a time is, for as much as people want to believe/justify/rationalize to the contrary, still a game.
If you can't devote the time to figure out if you like 1 person and move on to another, then what good is it to split your attention/emotion/time between 2?
Hope that one is better than the other, thus keeping one on the side? Game.
Afraid that by letting one go you might not meet another who is better? Game.
I have no interest in people playing them, and especially with me.
I'm "hung up", to answer your question, because I find her to be quite interesting, and would like to believe that if she had no interest she wouldn't keep seeing me. | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 5:10:23 PM |
If you show her you like her and want to see more of her, the worst she can do is to back off. If she doesn't back off but just seems to accept it and go along with it, that would suggest to me that things are going OK for her. She's just going with the flow until it all makes more sense. I suppose I've been there and done that myself which is why it seems familiar.
That's similar to what I've figured so far, too. She doesn't do anything she doesn't want to, she's been fairly straight forward thus far. Still, I can't say I 'feel' anything yet myself, beyond interest in her and wanting to spend more time in her.
I'm simply curious why the hot/cold, what I consider lack of communication (which was like that when it was 'hot'), etc. I think maybe she doesn't know how to react, maybe she's intimidated by me, or in the negative- maybe she's just using me for dating practice? hehe
I think our first few weeks we saw more of each other, then this last week where I didn't hear from her in 2 days, and not seeing her for a week just struck me as an odd change of pace- normally I gauge interest by how often someone wants to go out: I've found that when a woman is interested in me, she'll do whatever it takes to make time to see me.
Mysteriosa- you say you've been there/done that, so tell me, how do you think I should approach it? Just let it slide, don't ask anything, and see how it all unfolds? Start a conversation regarding 'are you actually interested in seeing me?' | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 5:19:12 PM | I think she's interested, but maybe a little scared. If she hasn't dated in a year then she's rusty and probably needs a some time. I'd say be a patient, it might be worth it.
I think 3 weeks is a little soon to have a discussion as to where "its going", but you can say "hey - I really like spending time with you and would like to see you more".
All in all, I think you need to trust your instincts. | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 5:27:11 PM | Wow, wow, wow.
First - take her as she comes to you - not based on what other women and your track record with other women. Taking people as they come and not assuming their style is neither good nor bad.
Two days between calls is still very frequent contact. A week between dates is not a big deal. I happen to think that is common.
Personally - from the few things you wrote about her dating behavior in an extremely short period of dating time - three weeks and five dates - she sounds like a dream girl, not needy or assuming. Because she is not acting in the way the women of your past have, does not make her any less interested. It also doesn't make her more interested. It simply makes her different than what you are used too.
This has a little ring of familiarity to me. The last man I went out with I considered clingy because that man called me every single day, wanted to be exclusive off the bat and felt funny if I took more than six hours to return his calls. I had a talk with him, asking him what all that was about without judgment because his behavior was unfamiliar to me. It turns out that in his "past" relationships, that is what they did....seeing one at a time, seeing each other often, calling a lot, etc. Okay. I told him that was great - for them. I was not that way. That did not make me less interested in seeing him or less interested in getting to know him. This was a matter of style, though he was awfully questioning of himself based on how I was - because it was out of his "normal" zone. What bothered me is that I could tell early on he was confused about some things, then found out he'd talk to his friends instead of me. That right there told me a great deal about his level of insecurity.
Simply - if a person wants to be with you, they will say "Yes." and show up. Period.
Truely, how else is there to see where something goes until it is actually unfolding? It's not. I believe the biggest mistake people make is they live in the future, assuming, questioning, doubting and NOT communicating with the person they should be. | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 5:29:19 PM | My instincts aren't good, for once, in this situation. I work, in part, off observing the other person, a little empathy, and voila- happy times. Her lack of communication (outside from in person, mind you), and her typical distancing throw me for a loop.
Oh well, you have a good point as well, and something I've considered- too soon. Nice advice on what to say: sometimes the simplest words are lost to me :) | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 5:34:00 PM | Respited Heart- Hmmm, maybe, but I'm not in contact with her every day. Usually we'll bounce an email-chain back and forth, maybe 1-2 replies a day. Nothing serious. It's just...different for me, which you acknowledged.
But, while I am resigned to your final thoughts, and see some of the light therein, I do question one thing- the communication. After reading your your response I feel foolish for even seeking advice, for you are correct- I should just let things unfold, what will be will be.
Thanks for the kick in the head :) | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 5:48:05 PM | No foolishness.
Just go state your discomfort - if she's mature, she'll listen without judgment.
Good luck. | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:00:25 PM | | Ah, but won't that have the effect, quite possibly, of pushing her away? I'd rather just let things play out naturally, and enjoy myself. | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:26:34 PM | | Hmm ... don't know. I think make it clear you like her and want to see more of her, but not in a pressurising kind of way, just in an 'it would be great if we could get together soon' way, then be sure to follow up. I think because of the way I've behaved in the past (just like her, in fact, and for the reasons I've mentioned), men have responded by becoming less certain about me than they seemed before. Sometimes they've even got suspicious and assumed the worst, when I was just unsure and drifting really. I found their reaction confusing after an initial display of interest and became wary and less affectionate with them. It was downhill from then onwards. When the man was consistent and positive, despite how I was feeling, things went much better. I guess I just need them to be more confident about it all first in order for me to feel the same. Not fair, I know. Good luck. | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:36:22 PM | I get what you both are saying, the thing is that interest is a two way street, and both people need to show some of it. I work off the other persons reactions, or have traditionally. So while not at all trying to be clingy, I'm thrown for a loop simply because this particular person simply doesn't react much...
You stated that you found their reactions confusing after their initial display of interest- did you not feel you should have shown some reaction as well? So yes, it's not fair to leave us groping blindly in the dark, and expect us to be "on" all the time. And that's where I'm at now.
What could have these fellows done or said, Mysteriosa, which would've helped the situation? I'm curious due to my own situation, though I can almost 100% assure you that if you had reacted favorably to whatever attention they were giving you they would have been more confident in their interactions with you: It's a 2 way street, give/take and then grow.
For now I'm, as stated, going to go with the flow, enjoy it for what it is. | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:40:35 PM | Okay, technically, none of us could have 100% technically correct advice because we weren't there, and not able to read her... but assuming what you said was basically true...
Yeah, it sounds like she has interest, but wavering interest. She doesn't want to get too close. She could underneath it all be really into you, especially if she's immaturely minded underneath it all... but PROBABLY not. She has mild interest at least.
You are operating on different gears than her in the "pace" of things. Sounds like you're trying to be boyfriend/girlfriend awfully quick. "But we slept together!" you may say... but no, that doesn't mean commitment, it usually means "if I wasn't too drunk, I'm attracted to you", if they hang out with you again. It does draw you two closer, by default, but it you shouldn't let it speed things up too quickly -- that's not a good move.
Anyway, her interest is mild, but wavering it SOUNDS like. Relax and don't worry about it too much. Go out on one more date, and if you notice an -increase- in distance (or just too much), at the end of the night, bring it up in a not-too-serious tone. Just ask her what pace she likes when dating, and if she's comfortable, etc.
Don't let it pester you too much, you'll end up overreacting if too much builds up. Just relax if your next date doesn't go really well.
And you shouldn't think "distance" if there's no pda. She's taking it slow, you may just be trying to move too fast. | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:48:08 PM | Possibly, except that would mean that she's the one who slowed it down- remember, she's the one who kicked up it by letting me in her bed multiple times.
But yes, that's my intent: have fun, enjoy the date for what it is, and simply not worry. | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:58:56 PM | I must confess you are making me think very hard here. But firstly, we must not assume that this woman is behaving the way she is for the same reasons as me. That might be a red herring and I'm only offering my thoughts on it. She's a different person.
You are right in that it should be two way. I'd prefer to continue any discussion of my reasons off the forums, so if you'd like, then please email me and I'll respond.
I think humour, being light-hearted and continuing to show warm interest would have been most helpful. | |
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| Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 7:16:41 PM | My apologies Severin... I didn't mean to imply you were "hung up", I really meant to say it appears to me that she doesn't want to stick to one person for the time being. You have every right to date only one person at a time. But you are dating to find a long term person in the near future. Not everyone dates for that reason. I make it quite clear in my profile, and to those I date, that I am not looking for that ONE person right now. I just want to date, some call it casual dating. That is not playing games. Not being open about it IS playing games. Stringing people along IS playing games.
Why can't I like, and date two people at a time? I'm not hoping one is better, or that a better one will come along.
When I do decide to date for long term reasons, then my dating habits will change.
Perhaps you should simply ask her. | |
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