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 TheFunnyGuy71
Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 1
When should the woman offer to pay?Page 1 of 21    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21)
Guys, but mainly girls, at what point in the dating cycle (IE: first date, second date, etc.) should a woman at least offer to pay?

This is 2009, not 1946, and the last girl I dated offered one time - not paid, but just OFFERED - once, in maybe 13 or 14 dates. After a while, spending $50 every go of it just got, well, irritating, when there wasn't even a $5 footlong offer back.

I'm not a cheap guy, I just care a hell of a lot about courtesy, and quite frankly, I think that showed a lack of it.
 purpleberet
Joined: 6/7/2009
Msg: 2
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:32:33 AM
I never offer, I just do it. I split everything with my date.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 3
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:34:59 AM
I think it depends. I had a boyfriend years ago that flat out refused to let me pay for anything for the first 6 months of us being together. He wouldn't let me buy him a cup of coffee, or pay for a DVD rental...nothing. He wouldn't even let me pay for him on his own birthday...
 TheFunnyGuy71
Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 4
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:37:38 AM
I would absolutely refuse for at least the first couple months, which I did the one time she offered, but I guess it's the offer that at least counts for me...
 purpleberet
Joined: 6/7/2009
Msg: 5
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:48:03 AM
Why do guys refuse to let me pay? It starts so much conflict which I hate but I can't feel comfortable letting him pay for it. I believe its just something fathers teach their boys. I don't think guys mean it, they just do it because they have to.
 TheFunnyGuy71
Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 6
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:51:03 AM
I don't know why, in particular, but I believe that a man should act chivalrous and generous. Perhaps it's old fashioned. Gradually, it begins to even out, and there's even a bit of excitement when a girl flat-out puts your card away and throws her's down.
 Abbicci
Joined: 11/17/2008
Msg: 7
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When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:51:46 AM

I would absolutely refuse for at least the first couple months, which I did the one time she offered, but I guess it's the offer that at least counts for me...


I might be missing something. Do you want her to pay or just offer to pay? Based on your first post you want her to pay at least some of the time. Based on your second post it looks like you just want the offer to pay. And they say women send mixed signals.

I offer, some guys accept some don't.

If they act offended when I offer, I rarely offer a second time.
 .Selena.
Joined: 9/3/2007
Msg: 8
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:55:11 AM

I think it depends. I had a boyfriend years ago that flat out refused to let me pay for anything for the first 6 months of us being together. He wouldn't let me buy him a cup of coffee, or pay for a DVD rental...nothing. He wouldn't even let me pay for him on his own birthday...


I dated a guy exactly like this a few years ago. I tried, in vain, to pay for things but he refused every single time. Wouldn't even let me pay for pizza or a simple DVD rental. It was also the same with his birthday. We broke up before then, but a couple months prior I'd been talking about what I wanted to do for him and he said if we go anywhere, he's paying. He wasn't all macho about it, he was just.. I don't know, he acted like it was unheard of for a woman to pay, it was second nature to him, and that it was the gentlemanly thing to do. I didn't necessarily agree, but he was so sweet and I thanked him every time and never took it for granted.
You're in Jersey, and he is around your age - maybe it's the same guy lol.
 blondie900
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 9
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:59:04 AM
I always offer to pay. I try to pay the first time I meet them. Then we usually take turns I think everything should be balanced and equal.
 TheFunnyGuy71
Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 10
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:01:22 PM
Initially, AB, I just want an offer. Something that says, I understand that you're a 25-year-old guy and probably not rich, so after a couple dates, I'll get this. But then I can say no that's awesome, but it's my treat. Eventually, I'll cave, she'll offer, I'll accept. Then it becomes somewhat 50/50, a few months down the line.

Initially, though, I meant that this girl I'm referring to only offered once.
 mrwutzizname
Joined: 10/26/2006
Msg: 11
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When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:01:31 PM
I don't know if this helps or not but I once had a woman ask me out to dinner. While we were waiting at the bar for a table I paid for all of our drinks. At the end of dinner I went to the men's room and when I returned she had already paid for the dinner. I felt a little bad about it but there was nothing I could do at that point.
 mrwutzizname
Joined: 10/26/2006
Msg: 12
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When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:09:21 PM
We're getting dangerously close to having this thread deleted and I'd really like to see what others have to say. I hope we can get a couple more votes to keep this thread.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 13
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:18:18 PM

You're in Jersey, and he is around your age - maybe it's the same guy lol.


LOL - wouldn't that be funny?
 902dwayne
Joined: 6/5/2009
Msg: 14
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When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:20:50 PM
i think it would be super cool of the girl to pay for a date, every other time! becuase this way the girl gets to choose what she wants to do on the date. This allows the guy to take notice what she likes to do on a date. this way us guys can switch the dates up on the girls. so we dont become the guy who takes me on boring dates!

also i think when a guy wants to pay for everything, they dont feel confident about themelf. so they then have to show you how much money they have to impress you. i think that if u can allow the girl to pay for the date then it shows that u respect the girl and u want to be around her.

Cheers MAXIMUS902
 prurire
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 15
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:21:52 PM
I'm most comfortable on a first date if we each pay for our own.

This something I used to give a lot of thought to and worry over. It's easier if the first meet is just that and not an actual date.

Now I just get there a little early, find a table and tell the waitress that my guest and I will have separate checks. So it's taken care of before he even shows up and no discussion needs to take place.

Although, I have had men take my check from me at the end. Surprised and somewhat offended that I had already handled the details. I can be honest and say that there is a small part of me that likes when that happens.

As far as continuing to date, it really just depends on the personality mix. In most of my relationships, whoever had money was the one to pay. Sometimes me, sometimes him and for the most part after several months we were doing things together that really didn't cost that much money. Then again, I tend to date guys that are adrenaline/activity junkies so their idea of a good date would be spending the afternoon on a 20 mile hike and stopping to have a picnic at the end.
 .Selena.
Joined: 9/3/2007
Msg: 16
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:21:53 PM


LOL - wouldn't that be funny?


If your guy lives in the same city as I do, we might be on to something here..
 902dwayne
Joined: 6/5/2009
Msg: 17
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When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:29:14 PM
** so we dont become the guy " who takes girls on boring dates" sorry for the typo enjoy let me know what u think!

Cheers MAXIMUS902
 e*Musing
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 18
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:41:30 PM
Gawd...another guy that simply has never learned that his role is to be the leader in a relationship.

OK Skippy, here's the easy formula...

READY??? Now write this down...

1. If you ask her out...YOU PAY.

2. If she asks you out...SHE PAYS.

3. If you can't afford to pay, don't ask her out. Quit dating.




PS: Dates don't have to cost to be fun...especially first dates. I've been on over 100 first dates and my typical cost is $5 - $8...if that...and almost universally their feedback was "Wow, what a great first date" (maybe 2/100 didn't volunteer something like that). Dating is easy and fun if you just learn to focus on having fun.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 19
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:47:17 PM
She can offer to pay the check any time, so long as she doesn't expect me to put out.
 Severin78
Joined: 6/20/2009
Msg: 20
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:47:44 PM
Eh, if I'm dating someone we just sort of end up taking turns picking the venue for the date, and that person ends up paying. I mean, sometimes I'll pay, or she'll pay when it's not our turn, and there are cute little fights over who is paying, but it's not that big a deal is it?

I'm rather egalitarian in my dating beliefs and act accordingly. The people I date more than twice are hip to the vibe.
 artist_48
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 21
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 1:16:07 PM

She can offer to pay the check any time, so long as she doesn't expect me to put out.


Good one, abelian; and rich, considering your previous posts (which I always enjoy) and your profile statements.

OP, always communicate your expectations before going on a date if you are doing the asking, etc. I'm from the school that if you do the inviting, you pay. A bit of a conundrum, because men do the asking. (not strictly by choice, it just happens)I have paid a fair share of meals, concert tickets, etc. I just don't give it another thought.
On one date, I bought the symphony tickets and he bought dinner and then later on drinks, etc. The symphony tickets were fairly expensive. The dinner wasn't- who cares?? We had a great time. Whatever works. Having said that, she can't read your mind,. Could it just be possible that when she offered the first time that, you sent off signals of having her offer, and/or may have also sent signals that she shouldn't have?
Like the lady above stated, some men do not want the woman to pay, offer to pay, etc., and maybe she got that from you. Easily understood since you did not communicate this to her.
 pirateheaven
Joined: 5/11/2008
Msg: 22
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When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 1:55:03 PM
This thread has been done more times than Joan Rivers face and that is just this week!

Thread search is your friend
 tina7578
Joined: 2/2/2009
Msg: 23
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 1:58:00 PM
I believe there should be a offer every time, until it's clear there's no need to offer any longer ... i.e. a relationship has begun and there's a steady give-and-take, like he pays to go out to dinner and she makes dinner or he pays for the movie while she pays for the popcorn, etc. Until that point, however, I belive it's appropriate to offer your share each time you go out. I'll offer even if it seems to make the man uncomfortable, and stop once he tells me it's not necessary to offer any longer.

I think it's very considerate for the man to pay, but I offer with the full expectation to contribute in some way, but I rarely have a man take me up on that offer.
 e*Musing
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 24
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 2:07:26 PM

I KNOW what MY role is in a relationship. I've been playing captain, general, leader, whatever word that fits since day one. But dating is NOT a relationship.

Somehow...I don't think so. Dating is the first step in developing a relationship. And a first date should set the tone...and it's not about "playing" those roles, that's what jerks do...it's about being that role, that's what men do.

Every moment...from the first 'hello', till whenever it's over, you are painting the mural of how your potential relationship will unfold. Yep...weakazzed guys will let girls call all the shots...and the girls will get like it at first...but after a while, you will become the guy they abhor because you're not the obviously comfortable and confident male who they hoped and fantasized about meeting.


Furthermore, I would like to know what kind of "date" your going on for as you said "$5-$8 dollars". You must be one cheap boogger. Unless your springing for a "suitcase" of White Castle kangaroo burgers , you aren't do much more than coffee and leaving a tip for 5 to 8 dollars.

Yes...I have jokingly said on numerous occasions that I am the "Master of the Cheap First Date". When you take the attitude that dates need to cost money, you are painting the background of the mural. You took her out for a combined $100 dinner and drinks...spent 2 hours over food...was interrupted several times by servers...and the whole time she's thinking "I hope he doesn't expect he's getting laid just because he sprung for dinner"...and afterward you're thinking "What can I do to make it better next time?"

OK...here's a clue...dates don't have to be dinner and/or drinks...or coffee bars...or whatever.
Here's the bigger clue...GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN. Sitting praying for two hours you don't have something amiss while you pass the interview questions isn't it.

My typical first date...first off...spontaneous...while we may have tentatively agreed that we'd be interested in meeting...and may have even confirmed that Wed/Thu/Fri after work we were both free, I never set up anything until the day of...that eliminates anybody stressing for days ahead of time. I'll call in the morning if the day looks good for me...and if it works for her, great...if not, we push till later.

We'll meet somewhere that is reasonably good for walking and talking...outdoor shopping villages are good...malls are OK but only when the weather sucks. The goal is to meet, grab something to drink or an ice cream cone, then stroll around to the shops. Watch what catches her eye...lead her into those stores...FIND OUT WHAT SHE LIKES. Talk about things and people that you see TOGETHER...generate some shared energy stuff...neither of you know each other well enough to care much about the real history of the decades of life stuff that has happened before. Discover tastes (you're a Colonial type and she's a Modernist...might be a poor fit). Take her to places you like (no...not Victoria's Secret), but maybe a BOSE store or Z-Gallerie...IDK, you need to know your turf.

I don't talk...nor ask...about jobs, houses, cars, etc., until at least the 3rd date...and if they start it, I change the subject (pick up 4,000 Questions for Getting to Know Everything about Anyone). Ask questions about what she says...don't just act interested...be interested.

Look of IOI's...is she touching her hair a lot (when she doesn't need to), is she demuring her eye contact, when you touch hands does she let it linger, hold her hand or offer your arm while walking but don't be manic about it...let her hand go before she pulls it away when she needs both hands to look a purse in the new Coach store...walk away from her when you're in a shop and she's engrossed in something and find something interesting of your own...she'll find you quick if she's interested.

The key Key KEY thing is communication...that's two-way communication. Listen, think, respond. Be clear, be definitive.

And keep it short...a first date should be 30-60 minutes max...a lot less if right off there's no chemistry (just saved you a $100 dinner). And a fun thing to do if things are going great...as you're winding up that first hour together, turn to her and say "Hey, too bad this first date is ending...I've had a really great time"...and if she kinda looks bummed that it's ending you can follow up a moment later with "Want to go on a second date............like,,,,,,now?" And then you can lead her off to a cafe and get some drinks and an appetizer to split...you're not looking to get drunk or dine...just some more time to discover her.


Where I live it costs that much just to PARK the car...BEFORE we eat.

Yeah, sucks for you...I work in that neck of the woods occasionally...too much traffic, too many people, and everybody wants your money. But you can't tell me that you can't apply the above and have really great first dates for a few bucks. And BTW...I did go out with a few girls in the Morristown area when I was in NJ long term...same approach...and remember, to you it seems like a formula...to them it's the first time they've gone on a low pressure, fun first date.

And frankly, if you're not willing to put in the time figuring out this kinda stuff before you start dating, you're going to play the game like a pinball in a Pachinko machine...be a man, establish your presence, have fun.

 katt_411
Joined: 3/22/2008
Msg: 25
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 3:12:57 PM
A woman should always offer to pay, so she doesn't lose her soul LOL
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