| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/26/2009 9:35:53 AM | Although i am obviously on here to meet someone, there's a nagging doubt in my mind that IF i do meet "The One" will i be able to trust that they actually come off of dating websites for good/or however long the relationship lasts? Am i being paranoid?  | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/26/2009 9:57:24 AM | Paranoid?
Yes. :)
I think it's always good policy with whomever you meet to give that person a clean slate. Don't weigh the new guy against all the deadbeats of your past or you're probably doomed for failure before you've even gotten to know him. That's not to say, "trust blindly" but... give the guy some rope. He may hang himself and he may not but he deserves the chance to earn your trust.
Might as well accept the fact that, in the beginning you're both probably going to be feeling out the market. If you decide that you want to be exclusive... just talk it over and let him know. Then you can go from there. | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/26/2009 9:58:48 AM | probably not for a while until the guy feels secure in the relationship. you also have to remember this isn't just a dating site some people do have friends on these site and asking someone to give that up is unfair. if its something that's going to bother you then don't date off the internet.
no your not being paranoid. its a reasonable question and a reasonable concern. | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/26/2009 8:52:33 PM | | Yes, you are being paranoid, to some extent. Turn it around; don't you think a guy might wonder the same sorts of things about you once you two get involved? And don't you think it would be somewhat unfair of him to think that, without any evidence to indicate that should be a concern? Haven't you ever heard the saying that if all you ever look for and expect is the worst, that is all you'll ever find? The truth is, whenever you put yourself out there in a situation where you open up your heart and take the chance on trusting someone, there is always the possibility of getting screwed over. But if you never open yourself up enough to let someone in, you'll never really know the benefits of real friendship and real love. Sometimes it comes down to a leap of faith; sure, you might get hurt, but if you're so scared of getting hurt that you don't take the chance, you'll never know what might be. Your heart will always heal, so take the leap! | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/27/2009 9:23:58 AM | Yes, you are being paranoid. I met my last LTR off a dating site and also met my current SO off a dating site. Both are good men.
Dating sites are simply just another tool or avenue to meet someone. Back before internet was invented you had social functions such as church, community activities, bars, etc. to meet people. The internet has simply expanded that for us.
Just as in real life, you'll meet people who aren't who they say they are, same is true for the internet. | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/27/2009 10:14:41 AM | Few people know the meaning of the words they use.
Amazing if you think about it!
They talk and write - and have no clue the meaning of what they communicate!
A paranoia is an irrational fear.
Read around the forums and you'll find that your concern is not irrational - many experience the situation you describe.
What you doubt is fact and truth for others.
Still some responders say YOU are being Paranoid... are they fools or insincere?
I think they don't know the meaning the words - choosing to define according to their feelings and experiences.
The crux of your post reveals that you have doubts about "The One" as you put it.
Faith is only as good as what its object is - where is your faith? ( In What?)
Maybe your problem is misplaced faith and your doubts are clarity & insight masquerading as fear...
Wasn't the father of your child/children "The One"?
Aren't you looking for "Another One"? | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/29/2009 6:26:44 AM | i guess i am looking for "Another One" lol, and i guess to an extent i am a little paranoid, or maybe just over cautious!! i guess, IF i meet someone who i think maybe my next "One" i will have to push whatever fears i have to the side and have some "Faith" oh, we'll see !! well, good luck everyone on ere!!! xxx | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/29/2009 7:23:01 AM | Your concerns are valid, not meaning you are paranoid, just cautious. Because there are a handful that do activate and deactivate their accounts and move on from one site to the next claiming to want to find someone but only meaning a temporary fling and go back and forth.
Though the internet has given us a wider range of meeting people and for those of us who are serious about it, it has been a great venue for some successful ones.. But for the truly brave, nothing beats the age old meeting people before the WWW. | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/29/2009 7:57:31 AM | | OP just because you meet someone on a dating site doesn't mean they are any less trustworthy than someone you meet in a bar, at work or anywhere else. | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/29/2009 8:01:02 AM | | You aren't paranoid nor insecure. Those two words are used by people who go behind other people's back and then get caught. Basically there's no reason ever to trust what someone tells you. It's a process and to build trust takes time. Obviously it gets tougher if you've been hurt in the past. That makes you more cautious, maybe overly so. It really doesn't matter as long as you don't give someone a hard time and let things "flow" naturally. In the beginning one often has to close one's eyes to a lot of stuff and again, the more bad things that you've been through the harder it gets. | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/29/2009 8:04:39 AM | Totally agree with the above post that being on here doesnt make you less credible than someone you meet anywhere else. Trust issues will always be there if you are insecure with yourself and you project them onto your partner.
Time spent together, confidence in each other and your own self-confidence are the only way to alleviate doubts you may have. Be wary at first by all means, take time to know your partner but dont let paranoia paralyse you or it will kill any good relationship you start. We all doubt at first, this is natural. | |
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| Trust issues
Posted: 6/29/2009 8:30:48 AM | I think you're putting the cart ahead of the horse, OP, because you haven't even glimpsed what your next relationship's dynamic will be like.
When you meet your Another One (lol - good one!) all your fears will pale in comparison to your feelings.
You will get over commitment phobia, mistrusts, suspicions etc, because he will inspire you to do so with his presence, actions, words..
Until then be as paranoid as you want, it will all die a natural death when a right man enters the picture.
Relax, let it be, make room for good things to come. | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/29/2009 8:35:05 AM | | My belief is trust is giving in the beginning. I don't judge my past with my future, but I do learn from my past. I look for red flags and if something doesnt read right I will be very cautious. | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/29/2009 9:11:30 AM | | good point about the "Red Flags" i must admit, my last relationship felt as though he were either hiding something as it wasn't quite right. i think everyone has valid points as we have all had different experiences. i think i will do as some of you have said and obviously wait and see and not push him away by being over-cautious, as that is a possibility! trust is earnt and built up so, i will have an open mind and not panic that he'll find someone else he is more attracted to, i suppose you could say that i have a lack of self confidence and that maybe my problem!!! i will endeavour to sort my own misgivings out and then maybe i will have the confidence to not be a panic-pants and let things just.....Flow.......! x | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/29/2009 11:40:29 AM | I have thought about that. . . We can't expect someone to delete their profile after the first date, or first 10 dates. . . maybe it would be a sign that he is really into you if he decided to delete his profile on his own. Maybe I have high expectations for men  | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/30/2009 3:32:10 AM | | i met my last boyfriend on here and he wanted us both to delete our profiles after we met so i guess that was good......x | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/30/2009 4:46:27 AM | I think were all a little paranoid but that comes from past relationships. Website or not, you can find insecurity from the person you meet at the supermarket. There are little warning signs with everyone, I myself went three years with someone and I never felt secure but she was such a mystery it was hard not to be paranoid. I guess we can all tend to over think and if your emotion like me, the worries are there.
I'm sure things will be fine :) | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/30/2009 10:17:21 AM | I just simply reply to any emails by saying that I am currently seeing someone and I am not entertaining the idea of seeing anyone else at the time.
I feel it is fair to the person I am seeing and it is fair to the person who might have sent me a message. | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/30/2009 12:44:38 PM | I have met the love of my life and she knows I am on here, only for the forums. I have encouraged her to view my posts. The more we grow closer together, the more free each of us are to do what we want because trust is becoming a non-issue. Just lucky I guess... | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/30/2009 1:35:25 PM | Perhaps that's a sign that you're not ready to be with another person? To share your life?
You need more confidence, more experience in trusting yourself first.
There is zero difference in the mentality of people you meet online vs. offline. These are the same people whom you could meet in bars, shops, school, etc.
So, as I said, personally I'm not sure you're really ready to date. I don't believe dating as practice is healthy either- it's a game, with someone usually getting burned. | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/30/2009 6:32:30 PM | | You will know when you can trust someone. Its a feeling, not a period of time or anything else. | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/30/2009 6:54:44 PM | Gavin de Becker, "The Gift of Fear"- covers all kinds of dating self-defense stuff, not just the full-blown dangerous scenarios- there is stuff in there about people's motives & behavior, how to predict various kinds of undesirables with reasonable probability, etc., highly recommended for all women. | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/30/2009 10:43:42 PM | OP - one of the hardest things to do in life is learn from your past experience and apply that knowledge to future experiences without turning it into baggage as they call it.
I mean if you were burned in the past (for example) you might have an issue trusting in the future because that is where you may figure you made your mistake the first time around. We would be idiots if we completely ignored knowledge we have gained through trial and error - but - that doesnt mean that everyone we meet is going to be the same, not by a long shot. I find its best to give someone trust until they give you grounds not to. If they do - act on it - dont just hang around and try to make them trustworthy, they either are or arent - once you know they arent - move on.
In direct response to your original question - you dont know if a man will stop going on dating sites - you dont have a crystal ball. All you can do is discuss it with him, give him the opportunity to agree to stop if that is what he wants , and if you ever have the misfortune of discovering he lied and has continued meeting people despite your agreement - dump him.
We cant know everything about a person in the first few months of interacting with them. People are constantly changing, and as life throws things our way you will see their responses to different situations and issues etc. Every time you see a new partner respond to something, act on something, fail to do something, or do something special that you hadnt expected - they are all things which change the picture of who they were the day you met them. You are learning about them as you go along - and this is the way it must be.
Expecting every relationship we have to be perfect, and right, is putting very high expectations on human beings in general. People lie, people cheat, people suffer their own issues with low self esteem and want to turn it into your responsibility. But then there are others who are exactly who they appear to be, and each day of knowing them will be better then the one before - and they wont disappoint, they wont lie, and they certainly wont deceive - worrying about the possibility of a train wreck just ruins the beauty of the ride.
Have a good time - trust him, if the person meets your initial criteria for a great person - until such time as they give you a valid reason not to. If he/she does give you a reason not to - then move on.
Its that simple.
Good luck.
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 6/30/2009 10:51:26 PM | My bad - something else I meant to say to you I left out -
If I, for example, were in a relationship of any type, and I had the bad luck of feeling like that person shouldnt be trusted, or that person is lying, or I want to snoop, search, pull private investigative manouvers, or just cling on to him for fear of whatever - its time for me to be on my own.
Now those feelings might be because the guy is a dog - or they could be because I really need to boost my own self image and self esteem - either way - its time for a time out from whatever relationship I would be in.
I cant imagine enjoying any time spent with a single person, while feeling like that.
If you feel these feelings, in any relationship, dont panic or turn into a clingy psycho, take a step back - or even a leap back - and get the clarity you need to solve the issue whether it be his or yours. Either way - if any woman or man feels like that in a relationship its not the right time for that relationship no matter the reason for those feelings. | |
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| Trust issues.
Posted: 7/1/2009 1:27:39 AM | Paranoid....I would not go that far, however you do seem to be acting a bit hiporitical. In the computer age that we find ourselves in today, internet dating is not unusual.
Ask yourself this: Could somone trust that you are sincere because you are on a dating site? Do you see a connection there? | |
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