| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 10:16:29 AM | so I have been sleeping with my friend for about a month and I thought it was the perfect situation for both parties, no harm in a little safe fun between friends . It is just that sometimes I feel he is unclear about our arrangement, he comes over, fixes things around my house, comes over for dinner, watch movies, etc. Don't get me wrong, it is not that I don't appreciate the things he does or the time we spend together as "friends" but he sometimes just comes over to actually watch a movie and that's it. He said to me recently that he had more to offer than just sex, and asked if that is all I wanted from him. Have I lost my seduction skills or do guys really have to be in the mood. I find the latter hard to believe as I could be planting a garden and be in the mood. The sex is great, the sleepovers are fun, but now he wants to go golfing with me this weekend and I want to go because I really think it will be fun, but I am a little worried that I will just end up leading him on... maybe I am thinking too hard, but it feels like his intentions are more. Or maybe he is just not that into me, and I will find myself in an awkward situation blurting out something stupid when those were not his intentions at all
I love these forums, it is like advice for the insane without buying a stupid self-help book | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 10:20:20 AM | | He likes you and wants more, deal with that info as you will. | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 10:26:33 AM | | Wow, What do u really want?? Do want white fence and more or do you want candy on call ?? Sounds like he may want real deal white fence and more. Me being a guy once I get to have sweet candy I want more and more , So look into yourself and go with your gut feeling , it usually is best for the heart.....haze gray and underway again,,, | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 10:27:03 AM | | yup he is looking for more than just a FWB relationship with you at this point. Decide what you want and tell him so he can make a decision as well. | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 10:34:43 AM | Why don't you want to be with him? You get along with him, have a great time when he is around, and the sex sounds incredible so what could be the problem?
Could the problem be that he makes things too easy for you? It seems that people appreciate more what they work hard to get as opposed to appreciating less what is so easy to come by. How would you react if he stopped coming over, inviting you places, and started doing this with another girl who you know that is into him the way he was into you?
Do him a favor, don't lead him on by keeping him around as a fwb. Like I always say, this kind of 'arrangement' is bad for the simple reason is that eventually one of you will 'catch' feelings and want something else. In this case, it sounds like him. | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 11:05:17 AM |
Have I lost my seduction skills or do guys really have to be in the mood.
If you're waiting for him to make the move and he doesn't, then who knows? Maybe he's tired, maybe he has a lot on his mind. Maybe he really, really wants to watch the movie. On the other hand, if you have made your carnal desires very clear and he turns you down, then you might start to worry. Keeping a woman satisfied is, for a man, a duty (and a pleasure); he had better have a good reason for not rising to the occasion.
From what you've said, I think he really likes you but can't figure out how to break through the friends-with-benefits barrier. He is trying to steer you toward non-s*xual activities to see if the two of you might work out in a more substantial relationship. If you don't want this, then you can try to steer the relationship back into more familiar territory. If he doesn't take the hint, then you have to take more direct and decisive action. If you are unsure, then go along with it for now, but don't wait too long to cut him loose. You've only been sleeping with him for a month, so it's still early. By the end of, say, three months, you really should make a decision. | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 11:21:49 AM | He said to me recently that he had more to offer than just sex, and asked if that is all I wanted from him
how hard is it to get he wants to b more than ur FWB when he said this^^^?.... wow
if all u want is sex from him then u need to tell him that, bcuz doing more things w/out restating u don't want more than a FWB, then u ARE leading him on.
good luck figuring out what u want | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 11:22:00 AM | | He wants more from you then sex. Which it sounds like you guys already have more than just sex. If you tell him all you want is sex don't be surprised if some of the extra stuff stops. If the sex is good he will still come around for that. Once he finds someone who will give him what he is looking for your relationship might be in trouble. | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 12:59:36 PM | | Thank you guys for all your advice, I know the only reason I care to get advice on this is because he does mean something to me and I would never want to intentionally hurt him, but I have to look out for my heart too. I don't deal well with broken hearts, and I am especially afraid if I am reading into this wrong and he is perfectly content with the way things are, I'll end up looking like a retard. I used to think FWB was the easy way out, but I guess just like everything else, it's so more complicated than that | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 1:05:24 PM | | Sounds to me like the two of you need to sit down and lay it all out on the table. It sounds like he wants more (as others have said) but without hearing his side of it or anything, how are we to know for sure? He asked you if all you wanted from him was sex... I think that he was trying to open that communication gate and figure out where he stands and where you stand. Best thing at this point (before the golf outing) is to do just that. Let him know exactly what it is you want from him and don't want from him and find out what he wants/doesn't want. If the two of you are no longer matching up, then it's time to end it before someone gets hurt. | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 1:13:59 PM | | This can be complicated, or it can be simple. It could be that he doesn't want you to think he's only doing stuff for you for the sex, or it could be that he's worried you are only sleeping with him because he's doing stuff for you. He could want more than FWB status, or he could be afraid you do. The only hope you have of clearing this up, it to talk to him and hope you can get an honest answer. That means you'll have to be honest with him, too. | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 1:15:34 PM |
so I have been sleeping with my friend for about a month
He's not really your friend.
Friends don't sleep with each other. Friend is a self imposed label with associated behaviors that someone chooses to live up to. If they can't then their character is extremely weak, or were never really there for friendship.
Certain behaviors have other behaviors associated with it.
Most are taught that sex has greater meaning to it.
Your "friend" is doing what he thinks he is supposed to do (what he thinks you want) in order to adequately socially compensate you for sleeping with him. And more than likely he has convinced himself it's what he wants.
In simpler words he is simply attempting to work the "relationship" into the "labels" he is comfortable with. Because the "friend" label mixing with perceived "girlfriend" behavior is confusing and uncertain. Therefore risky, and likely to change.
He wants the absolute of a label. Probably without you putting it on him.
And it seems (IMO) you are starting to feel he is placing you into his defined "label" and don't want the responsibility that implies(of living up to his expectations of your behavior).
All this is usually handled by actual communication where each of you acknowledge your own limits and expectations of your own behavior, and then constantly reinforce them. | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 1:20:21 PM | It sounds to me that you have a FWB but you really want a F*** Buddy.
I watch movies with my friends, I play golf with my friends. (although for some reason after one round they never want to play with me again )
My point is, if you like him and he likes you, so what?
Wouldn't it be terrible if your relationship grew into something long term?!
Yes, your heart may become broken and his may also. Welcome to life.
I think that FWB relationships are perfect for finding friends, enjoying sex and looking for a long term relationship. You just have to be mature enough to handle it.
You better believe that my next long term relationship will be with someone I consider a friend 1st. | |
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Posted: 6/26/2009 1:36:29 PM | | Yes, we are "friends" we have been friends for 12 years, not that I feel deemed to justify our friendship. This was something that just happened, it wasn't planned or calculated, I am just trying to handle it in the most amicable way. My decision to continue does not shape my maturity level, nor make me a woman unacceptable to the ethical norms and guidelines of today's culture. I was asking for advice not a quote out of a human behavior 101 textbook. | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 1:38:11 PM |
He said to me recently that he had more to offer than just sex, and asked if that is all I wanted from him.
He wants more.
What do YOU want? | |
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Jim978
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Joined: 7/15/2008
Msg: 16 | |
| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 2:54:25 PM | Let me see if I have this right:
You've known this guy for 12 years and were "friends" all that time.
You two have been sleeping together for the last month.
He, on occasion, wants to do something other than have sex.
What did you two do for the first 11 years and 11 months of your friendship? Didn't he ever just come over to watch a movie with you or for dinner then? It sounds to me like he is just trying to keep the friendship side of things alive while you seem to want to back up to just a FB.
Perhaps he does want more - he's the only one that knows. If you've been friends for 12 years and are sleeping together I'd think you'd be comfortable enough to discuss it with him. | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 5:06:21 PM | I'd recommend communicating with him about this to make sure you're both on the same wavelength.
My FWB and I hang out without sex pretty regularly, like we did before we started sleeping together. We've spent a couple nights just sleeping together without sex (though we were cuddle buddies many months before we got sexual together). Since you and your FWB were friends for so many years before you started sleeping together, it may be that he sees this as part of your friendship, and not anything more than that. Bottom line is, he knows how he sees this and you'd probably do well to ask him so you're not leading him on, or second-guessing his motives if he really is just being friendly. | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 6:16:05 PM | Wow the guy really likes you and wants to spend more time with you and you're questioning it?
OMG isn't this what we want? Unless YOU are only looking for a FWB but it didn't sound like that. | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 6:48:43 PM | | Sounds like you are enjoying using him until something better comes along! Problem is - he's probably the best thing for you - he will find someone else and then it will be too late for you - because you wasted so much time being selfish! | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 7:12:27 PM | You have a good sense of humour . . . mais.....
Why do you toss around the phrase du jour "He is just not that into me"?
Sounds to me as if you really may been watching one too many chick flicks as of late and are now trying to apply the horrid plotlines of those films to your own life.
Surprise ~ Surprise ~ Bienvenue to 2009 where males have to be IN THE MOOD if they want to GET IT UP AND GET IT ON!
How would this concept be hard for you to comprehend and grasp?
Tell me; does inhaling fumes from the oil industry render someone into becoming totally inept at understanding the opposite sex? | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 10:48:14 PM | shes right u are a wise woman | |
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Romny
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Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 22 | |
| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/26/2009 11:09:52 PM | Curiosity,
You like him more than you are admitting... you like him sooooooooo much that all you want to do is to have sex with this guy! Cuz, unlike men, when a woman loves a man... she totally just wants to get between the sheets....on the couch.... the floor...the garden...ANYWHERE...
When a man loves a woman, he usually wants to take her places: golfing... to the movies... blah blah blah..
Get the picture? You are not leading anyone 'on'... you are just not being honest with yourself.
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/27/2009 12:12:29 AM | He is acting like someone who is proving what a good man he is -he's doing stuff. You better ask yourself if you want to be his lady and him if that's what he wants. It's great that you want to bang him like an unlatched gate in a hurricane but he's SAID he's more than a screwbuddy. Take the hint.    | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/27/2009 7:14:57 AM | 12:
Friends don't sleep with each other. Friend is a self imposed label with associated behaviors that someone chooses to live up to. If they can't then their character is extremely weak, or were never really there for friendship.
This is patently untrue. I've slept with a few of my friends. I have a FWB now, and we're friends first, and sexual partners second. I have no doubt that we'll continue our friendship long after we stop sleeping together--it's fun and intimate, but it's not the most important facet of the way we relate to each other. Most friends may not sleep with each other, but the fact of sleeping with a friend does not mean that person isn't a friend anymore.
22:
You like him more than you are admitting... you like him sooooooooo much that all you want to do is to have sex with this guy! Cuz, unlike men, when a woman loves a man... she totally just wants to get between the sheets....on the couch.... the floor...the garden...ANYWHERE...
Gee, it's nice that you know how all women work! I'm sure the OP is glad that you can explain to her how she really feels about this situation.
The OP seems to have a pretty good handle on what she wants with this guy, from what she's said here, and she seems pretty sure that she's not interested in a relationship with him. The fact that they have chemistry and great sex doesn't necessarily change any of that, at least not on her end. If this guy wants a relationship and she isn't interested in that, then it's time for a serious talk to make sure that either they're on the same page, or they call it off due to a mismatched set of hopes and expectations that would result in one of them getting seriously hurt by the situation. | |
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| Sex and Candy
Posted: 6/27/2009 7:40:15 AM | I keep laughing when I read the original post. So...
- You've been friends for years
- You have great sex
- He comes over and fixes things around the house
- He likes spending time with you outside of your bedroom
Friends with benefits? You guys are practically married. | |
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