| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 2:16:32 PM | Hi all,
I meet this wonderful woman off here about 2 months ago. I was entirely smitten by her right away, and her with me. We dated a few dates and then decided that we were pretty much exclusive. We hit it off real well. I mean we were both saying it was like we knew each other a lot longer.
One day she came over crying because she got a letter from her doctor saying they found some "cells" on her last pap test and wanted to look into it further. Here we go......she got really depressed.....I tried to be there for her every chance I got. Flowers, cooked for her, took her out..... Turns out that was a bad, bad thing to do.....at least for her. She saw it as smothering......I saw it as I am here for you because I know you are scared and maybe you should know that someone cares and is here for you.....
To say the least she came over one night to have "the talk" I apologized for being to smothering and explained my reasoning. She said she didn't want a boyfriend right now, that she didn't want to drag a boyfriend through her dying, chemo, no hair....etc......keep in mind they didn't say she has cancer they just wanted to take a look. She told me there were no deal breakers between us, if this wasn't happening to her all would be great as before.
So we had sex, she stayed the night and I thought that was that.....until the next night where she emailed me 4 times, I of course responded saying I wanted to give her, her space and I understood. The next night she calls me at 11:30 (she works shifts) asking me if I want company. Of course I wanted her company. Sex happened and she ended up staying the night and we hung out the next day.
Wasn't sure what to think so I left it alone....we emailed, talked on the phone etc.....until a few days later she takes me out and then comes back to my place. Sex happened, she stayed the night, and we spent the next day together.......keep in mind things didn't really feel liked they changed I just backed way the hell off.
So within a week of breaking up I never called her or emailed her first.........we ended up spending lots of time together and sleeping together lots. With all the affectionate stuff too, but not in public.
One night she picks me up for ice cream and when she drops me off, I go for a kiss........she totally rejects me.......I decided that's it.......I gave her her space and she came back less than two days later, nothing felt liked it changed except we could be affectionate and have sex only when she feels like it. Huh? I thought she didn't want to be with me while she was dealing with this problem.......yet she gave me signs that she did, and then she didn't.......
I finally decided to talk about it and asked her if she had any other feelings for me other than just friends......I understood she didn't want a boyfriend right now, until this problem was dealt with but I wanted to know if I meant something to her.....she wouldn't give me an answer.....refused......just told me she didn't want a boyfriend right now. She yelled at me "I have never shared my feelings with anybody, I am not about to start right now" All I wanted was a yes or a no.....she would give me neither.......of course I got angry and called her a f'n **** because she was drilling me when I was trying to tell her how I felt (not good at expressing my feelings in words)
We kinda started talking a little that night and I apologized for calling her a name and she said she was being pretty mean too. She said she didn't want to say anything because there was nothing to say....huh?? Yes or no, easy enough.
Keeping in mind I gave her tons of space.....never called or never emailed and she contacted me all the time seeing how I was doing or to hang out. Things didn't feel like they changed all that much after the break up and I wouldn't consider coming by a couple of nights later and staying over after a break up a break up......nor would spending days together and still having sex and staying over.
She said people have sex after they break up.....it happens.....okay maybe it does....but with in a week she slept with me 5 times since breaking up not mention the hours cuddling on the couch and hanging out together. I could see a couple of weeks down the road or even a month but 2 days later and then again and again?
I put an end to it in the end.....I could no longer take the mixed messages and the highs and lows......of course I miss her. I am angry that this problem happened but felt like she was way over reacting......I mean.....dying? Come on.......
She wrote me the other day apologizing for not calling back that night...and she call later.....I wrote her back and told her that I am causing her grief and I should go, that I cared about her, wished her luck, and then I drove over and dropped her stuff off by her car. I left the door open for her though.......telling her if things got better, she changes her mind.....do not hesitate to call........I am not holding my breath obviously....because I am here looking for some one new.......
Did I handle this right.....or should I of stayed her friend and taken what I could get from her for the time being in hopes that things would work itself out with her problem and things would be fine again.
Am I crazy? Do people break up and be just friends and have sex all the time.......or would it be more likely she had no clue what she wants right now but didn't want to let me totally go. She said she really like being around me.
Was I right to just go away?........I am not waiting, just wondering if I handled this situation correctly or not.
Thanks | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 2:56:18 PM | Thanks for your input Robert.
It wasn't like I didn't take any steps to seeing her....I always asked her if she felt like doing something when she called......she told me she needed "me" time and space so I left it in her hands as to when she felt like being around me......I didn't want to push. I wouldn't describe it as pulling back entirely.....I just wanted her to be less stressed and have the freedom of deciding whether or not she wanted to see me........she was increasingly moody and I didn't want to stress her more.....I told her how I felt about her constantly......love would of been a little strong considering we knew each other for only 2 months.......
......not to mention she told me to date other people, and reminded me all the time that I wasn't her boyfriend. Of course after she flits and have sex with me.....and then shuts right down again.
I understand her better than she knows....she told me that the only two men in her life that ever treated her really great is her Grandfather and me......says a lot I thought. Every boyfriend has treated her like total crap until me.......she said she wasn't used to it. I think she was entirely afraid of it as well yet wanted it deep down inside......but it was a roller coaster ride for me........
I moved on becasue she said I was seeing a glimmer of hope where there was none.
But do you think I should give it a few days and try talking to her? | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 3:04:14 PM | It's a game young fella. Get used to it, enjoy what you can get out of it and keep looking for a lifetime partner ... it;s just NOT her. No matter how much you want it to be her ... it's not.
Do you remember ... no you wouldn't, too young ... do you know the Cyndi Lauper song "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" ... The idea is to have a bit of fun while the girls are having fun. Eventually she will see you having fun and leave. Because you havin fun isn't what turns her on. She gets off on your misery. Feel sorry for her ... but not too sorry. This is all the power she thinks she has. | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 3:11:39 PM | I can sympathize with you. A similar thing happened to me about 25 years ago. We were both 28, and when she found out she had breast cancer - everything changed. Fortunately, she survived, and is still alive today. Unfortunately, the relationship didn't survive.
Remember, her world and priorities have just been completely turned upside down. Her priority is now on survival and recovery, and apparently feels that she needs to focus all her energy on that. She may also be feeling that she doesn't want to drag you down with this if it doesn't go well. Some people cling to those closest - others isolate themselves.
Either way, she is likely to be easily upset, and have severe mood swings - nothing to do with being female - just the nature of dealing with the disease. Just be prepared for it. If you do end up remaining friends or lovers - be ready for the roller coaster and be strong. Listening and saying nothing may be the best thing you could do - which is hard for a male, because we like to solve problems.
Good Luck | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 3:16:08 PM | | PS - If the tests come back negative, and this continues - then I will agree with the horseman - time to bail | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 3:22:15 PM | | When it comes to a placebo girlfriend there is no right or wrong way to handle a situation. | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 3:27:02 PM | | women do have abnormal paps tho... ive never had a normal one.. been for the 'special tests ' every few years... nothing to freak about untill the results are in... i do think shes over reacting and using it as an excuse to keep you as just a friend.... with benifits when she sees fit.... you did the right thing.... just stick by it...if theyres a problem.. couples deal with them together... they dont push away... if you had a problem.. and needed the support.. would she leave you because she couldnt handle it? you did you best being a sweetie.. and trying to be there for her.. which most women would apreciate!!!! | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 3:33:10 PM | I think you are right to walk away, if she isn't willing to open up to you on an emotional level but is willing to have casual sex with you that would concern me. Also, just an FYI...the percentage of women that have pre-cancerous cells is stagering. Majority of the time it's a one time episode that is easily curable and does not lead to chemo, hair loss or dying. She is over reacting to some degree or has a doctor that is not giving her enough info. Also, you should know that these type of cells are usually caused by an HPV virus.
Here is a link to some info on the subject...
http://womenshealth.about.com/cs/stds/a/hpvcervcncrconn.htm | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 3:35:00 PM | | Yeah, I don't get freaking out over a few abnormal cells, that's pretty darn common and usually the next test comes back as fine and not a big deal. So right off you know she over reacts and also likes a lot of drama in relationships. You got caught in the hysteria. I hope she does not have cancer. But I wouldn't put up with someone who acts like that. | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 3:35:27 PM | I didn't think it was great because I still wanted to be with her.....I had feelings for her........she wasn't a piece of meat to me just to get off on......I wanted it to go somewhere......fwb never works because someone always gets hurt......getting laid is not an issue for me, I wanted an emotional connection (sex is better in my mind with one)
Wussy complex.....??? Get real. I want a partner not a whore.....that does me when it suits her. | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 4:12:39 PM | Thanks all,
Sometimes I second guess myself, I have been feeling like perhaps I might of let her down, after saying that I would be here for her. Promising actually. Then getting angry because she wouldn't give me a straight answer on how she feels about me. Then I bolt.......makes me feel like I am going against my own principals. Going against my word to her......
Robert,
I dated a Borderline Personality Disordered person and was actually engaged to her after nearly four years......what a god damn hell ride that was.......this situation is vaguely familiar.............she constantly complains and stress about everything, describes how crappy she feels, depressed, how much weight she's lost over all this stress etc......how she hates her work, life, the world.....how all her past boyfriends treated her like dirt......feel sorry for me......push, pull, push, pull. It started to feel like that and that's maybe the reason I went off on her in the end.....I promised myself I wouldn't do that ride again. It was giving me anxiety.
Being a hopeless romantic (huge fault apparently) I still believe. I left the door open by saying that if things get better, she misses me, she wants to see me, or changes her mind to not hesitate and call.............it's only been a few days........but maybe she knows she can no longer do this without something on her part....even just a tiny bit til this is all over.....and the gig is up.........sad thing is....besides me, she only knows people from work and doesn't really know anybody in town at all.......she must be awful lonely right now considering I spent all of her days off with her.
It may sound bad but I hope she is............ | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 4:19:28 PM | | WOW, that was long. well i think you are right, she is overreacting a GREAT deal but she sounds like she's scared. sometimes an abnormal pap means nothing, she should get another one done because it could come out normal. she most likely has HPV which can cause an abnormal pap and you will not die from it, however, sometimes it can progress to cervical cancer but that type of cancer is very treatable especially if caught early and it's also very slow growing. she really needs to discuss this with her doctor and research it online. that should put most of her fears to rest. | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 4:25:25 PM | Can you say Drama Queen?
Jeebus...
She automatically assumes its Cancer? I have had that situation happen to me 5x's already and it never ended up being Cancer..and trust me I had reason to worry as my mother, grandmother, aunts and cousins had it.
She is too confused..you were right to go away, but it seems like she is using you..don't fall for it. | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 4:38:07 PM | Robert,
You're right I am little perturbed..........because it seems little she had very little appreciation to the fact that I made myself available to her, knowing that getting her out and getting her mind off of it made her happy, and telling her I was there for her.....so ya I guess I was being used just enough for her to think about something else for a bit, but returned none of the same compassion.
Funny things is when I told her I felt like I was being used she snapped at me, "How am I using you?" , "I told you I didn't want a boyfriend." In a way, she's right.
Kendra,
I feel the same way you do, she is way over reacting.....she has reason to worry, but really why destroy everything around you that is good in your life over something that may not be.......
I was so very tempted to call and see how's she's doing today.......it's the longest we have gone without talking since we meet.......so I came here instead to talk it through with you guys......thanks | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 4:39:25 PM | | Oh good grief, all this drama over an abnormal pap smear. Do you know how often they come back with "false positives?" A LOT. I've had it happen a million times, and I go back and everything is fine. She got a very possibly "false abnormal" and already she's going through chemo and dying? Can you imagine what she'd be like if something really bad happened? She needs to get back to her doctor and be retested with a more in-depth test that they do. If she's young, it will probably show that there's nothing wrong with her at all, and she's put both of you through all this crap for nothing. | |
|
MizAnj
|
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 16 | |
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 5:26:26 PM | Saw your other thread, but since it is capped at 21 posts and one of them will be deleted (no double posts) might as well stick to the answers in this one...
I think it smart to just walk away and focus your energies elswhere. Perhaps in figuring out why you are attracted to women like a leech on a cut that are prone to bringing drama and angst into their lives and rolling around in it like a pig in mud... and perhaps if you figure out why that is, it will help you out in the long run in your dating experiences. | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 6:40:40 PM | MizAnj,
I didn't fall for her during this time....no no no...before.....I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt because I believed she was stress and scared...which I am sure she is......I started bucking when I started feeling used..........not attractive at all.......thus why I left.....just wasn't sure if I made the right decision is all....thanks for your input. | |
|
Romny
|
Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 18 | |
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 6:58:57 PM | Sex is often used like a drink.... people who are addicted to sex (even if its bad sex) are usually not even aware of their addiction... they just think they are doing what adults do...
However... this girl only came to you to have sex during stressful times... her emotions then were raw... because her whole point was to avoid... avoid..avoid..
She got 'raw' with you when you discussed emotions, feelings, and meaningfulness---- signs that intimacy avoidance was being practiced.
Funny how sex ...one of the most intimate acts possible... is used to avoid intimacy. It happens. It happened to you.
Chalk it up to experience. Just because you're a man ... please don't think you can't be used for sex.
Move on. | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 7:43:04 PM |
I'm not saying you should tolerate feeling used, but anytime someone afraid of love begins to approach that point, the detour sign pops up and they run off.
Its like a panic attack. Irrational.
That's why they cannot be helped unless they choose to help themselves.
Even recognizing the problem isn't enough. The lady I knew could be very good at talking herself into believing just about anything she needed to believe to provide the excuse to run.
Kudos Robert... You are one hellufa kind, wise man... I wish you Much luck in your quest... | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 7:44:53 PM | Moving on is something I must, and will do at this point......thanks for talking it through with me.
The more I have been away from it the more I see how she avoids getting close to someone. She couldn't find anything wrong with the way I was to her or how I treated her so she seems to have used this problem as an excuse to avoid a real commitment. I didn't do anything wrong, so she tried real hard to make it hard on me. ( and oh I felt like everything was my fault.)
I should of known when her best friend meet me, really liked me, and told her not to find something wrong with me.......it apparently is a habit.......unless the guy treats her like crap, then she seems more willing to try harder or stay longer. I guess it easier and safer with someone who treats you badly then you don't have to commit emotionally.
Another red flag should of been the fact that she never talks to her Father, Mom packed her up at 6 and she rarely seen him since. He's a real drunk apparently. Won't talk to Sister either.....wow......the baggage that got dumped on me so soon........I know so much about her life in less than 2 months.........geez.......I don't envy me either......I should of known when UPS showed up at my door with a baggage delivery from to me....lol...
My friends have been telling me that I was her only emotional connection and I shouldn't be surprised if she started coming around again soon when she needs it......and I should be wary.
But alas it was short lived.....so it should be easy to move forward.
Thanks again | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 8:39:41 PM | Hi Jamie,
I read everything you and everyone else wrote. After your last entry it seems she displayed a lot of this irratic behavior even before the questionable culture test. So, what I am about to add might be null and void but I will say it anyway, just to give you one more possible explanation of her behavior.
It's possible she feels a strong sense of loss of control. Suddenly she 'might' be sick, might be the big 'C' word. In her effort to feel like she has some control over something, she has turned on you, the nice guy, something she can easily control.
Honestly though, I think the girl has some way more serious issues. She sounds a bit immature in some regards. Drama surrounds her. We all say we don't like drama but it does seem to sucker us in doesn't it? I mean, it can be exciting afterall, it's drama!
You sound like you really care, have a good heart, and were well intentioned. Protect your good heart and save it for someone worthy.
All the best and good luck~ | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/26/2009 8:57:56 PM | She's playing feel sorry for me control.
Changed cells are caused by genital warts - so strap it up son 
And umm if it was remotly what she claims a biopsy would have been booked by the doctor that day.
Strap it up and on ya knees to control and hpv sonny | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/27/2009 4:55:59 AM | Better luck next time. I hope you and she find happiness. | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/27/2009 6:12:48 AM | I finally decided to talk about it and asked her if she had any other feelings for me other than just friends......I understood she didn't want a boyfriend right now, until this problem was dealt with but I wanted to know if I meant something to her.....she wouldn't give me an answer.....refused......just told me she didn't want a boyfriend right now. She yelled at me "I have never shared my feelings with anybody, I am not about to start right now" All I wanted was a yes or a no.....she would give me neither.......of course I got angry and called her a f'n **** because she was drilling me when I was trying to tell her how I felt (not good at expressing my feelings in words)
Wow....I'm surprised no one else zoomed in on this huge red flag waving. How can one possibly build a relationship with another who refuses to share their feelings. Lack of communication is a major factor in why many relationships deteriorate.
I'm sorry for your situation Jamie as it is obvious you have genuine feelings for this person, but like a majority of the women have posted, abnormal cells in a pap smear is quite common and not necessarily cancer. Your girlfriend is creating unnecssary drama for herself and you. Take a good look at the statement I have bolded. I believe there is more to her than just an abnormal pap smear. It appears there are greater things she is hiding. I certainly hope that she does not have cancer, but to create such drama BEFORE having concrete results is not right. Stepping back and cutting ties with this woman is NOT a sign that you are an uncaring person, but rather shows that you respect yourself enough to not allow yourself to be an emotional tampon.
Again, I'm truly sorry for what you are going through right now and wish you the best.
AJ | |
|
| What Happened?
Posted: 6/27/2009 7:37:45 AM | Sounds like a drama-ridden mess to me. I've had abnormal pap smears (though not lately), and it's not really that big a deal unless it's discovered to be cancerous. It's routine to run a biopsy to make sure there's no cancer present, but other than that, you just keep an eye on it, with or without cryocautery to freeze off the abnormal cells.
As for her--do you really want to be with someone so drama-prone and unwilling to communicate, even if she does get over this particular situation? There will always be things that come up in her life, and now you know how she reacts to them. This is not the recipe for a healthy, stable relationship. Run away. | |
|
Home
login 
