| Is flirting the right thing to do?
Posted: 6/27/2009 12:33:12 AM | | I have a pretty out there sense of humour and light hearted approach to life, so my flirtatious nature is mostly in fun and with the best intentions to try to get who I'm with to relax and realize I'm not out to find them, marry them and take half there worldly possessions (see that's just an example right there of my humour albeit not flirtation). In fact, everything you read out there is how to successfully flirt. The problem is the minute I infuse any flirtation at all into the conversation, I sense a shift in the man's perception, and everything after that, that is said is geared to the physical side of any attraction that is there, and the emphasis thereefter goes from trying to learn and get to know ME, to how to get me to sleep with me. When I try to go back to our initial 'get to know each other' position, inevitably, the man loses interest and I am left feeling like I'm only attractive on one level. Believe me, this is not hard-core bedroon eyes, licking my lips flirting. This is the occassional smile or giggle at something said with accidental sexual implications sort of thing. I can't hide my sense of humour and open personality, but I certainly could use some advice on what goes through a man's mind when a woman is flirtatious. | |
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| Is flirting the right thing to do?
Posted: 6/27/2009 12:58:58 AM | I can't speak for all men of course, but it's a fair bet that if a woman is flirting with a man... And said man finds the woman, let’s say, very attractive... Well "ego" man may kick in and he's going to think "I'm in here!".
As I said, this is only a hypothetical but I think a lot of men would agree with this sentiment.
It's a tricky situation but perhaps you should concentrate flirtatious behaviour on men you really like? Especially as you appear to be having some negative feedback.
Personally, I tend to only flirt with women I'm attracted to, because, unfortunately women sometimes misread flirtatious behaviour for something else also. | |
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| Is flirting the right thing to do?
Posted: 6/27/2009 1:06:10 AM | Yes, it is indeed sad that you ladies can’t even smile at someone without them taking it as a come on of some sort. It’s funny that men complain of women who walk around with “chips on their shoulders” accusing them of being b****y or thinking too highly of themselves; when the fact of the matter is she is just sick of being hit on every time she turns a corner.
OP: you might have a natural built in “radar detector” to weed out the shmucks looking for one thing from those that are genuinely interested in you! Harness that power and use it wisely ; -) | |
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| Is flirting the right thing to do?
Posted: 6/27/2009 9:29:07 AM | | Oh my natural flirtiness would never 'kick in' if I wasn't genuinely interested in a man. I'm in the business world, so I'm quite capable of 'reining it in'. LOL Just because I find a man attractive physically, I'm not always turned on by him intellectually or emotionally and there is NO flirting at all. So by the time I'm batting my eyes and twirling my hair, it means I really like you, but not just physically and I'm hoping the guy feels the same about me. Egos aside, I think men are geared physiologically to respond to their physical signals, which is fine because nothing turns a woman on more than to feel they're attractive to the man she's attracted to, but when women like myself put 'looking for long-term' (which is bogus by the way, as I'm looking for permanent - none of this long-term nonsense) shouldn't a man take that as a sign that flirting means genuine interest in them as a whole person. I believe the dating process is very important in determining who you'll be able to go the distance with, but I won't even put 'dating' as my preference, as this seems to be an open ended term that alot of men translate in many ways. Okay I think I'm going to go the no-flirting route for a bit and see if I can't make things last more than a first coffee. I'm thinking maybe, the flirting is starting too soon on my part and I should at least wait until the second or third date. Does anyone agree? | |
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| Is flirting the right thing to do?
Posted: 6/27/2009 9:42:08 AM | Flirting is sexual. It's never not sexual, and at the same time, it always is sexual. So, you can think of it as being about sex.
It's OK to be sexual by flirting when you don't want to actually have sex. Just realize that you are having sexual banter. It's how people handle their sexual interests when those won't fit into a busy schedule. Sexual tension is there whenever at least one person is attracted. In many situations where you're with people who want you, flirtation is an opportunity to see whether they can have you. To begin flirting is to take things to a staging area for sexual activity of other kinds. You have invited the man to nestle into your foothills and contemplate scaling your heights.
If you suck at flirting then you will say this or that for effect but have no game plan overall and no idea of where along the path your steps are taken. The man will sense your aimlessness as a call to take the lead, since you are obviously being sexual but it's not going anywhere. He'll lean towards the bedroom since that room has a bed. You'll balk, and sputter, and squirm because you didn't want to go to bed yet.
Quick, forget I flirted. Let's talk about something else.
To flirt without a good understanding of seduction will be hit or miss. It works best when you have the possibility of actual sex clearly scheduled in your expectation of proper relationship development. Then you can gently adjust more or less according to plan, without alternately stomping on the gas and slamming on the brakes until you veer off the road, bust through a fence and wind up stuck in mud on some farm where cows come gathering around to see what made the ruckus. | |
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| Is flirting the right thing to do?
Posted: 6/27/2009 10:29:25 AM | ^^^^
Agreed that flirtation is a sexual act... But I view it as an act that doesn't necessarily have to lead onto sex.
We all know that there are plenty of people, in very stable relationships, that like to flirt with others, assured in their mindset that nothing is going to happen thank you very much!
Flirting should be all based around fun and having a laugh... But it can all go slightly awry if someone really wants the other person. Be it emotionally or physically. | |
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| Is flirting the right thing to do?
Posted: 6/27/2009 10:39:22 AM | Flirting is called attention without intention. I disagree that it's "sexual" in nature
Flirting is about charming not seducing. It's not about spouting a come on or laughing at a sexual innuendo. Flirting says "I find you very interesting." Sounds like the message you're sending is "I'll sleep with you". That's more of a tease than a flirt.
If you want to learn to be charming and "flirt" properly, try to flirt with everyone, not just men you're interested in. That way you get used to being engaged and interested.
If your sense of humour and open personality are sending the wrong message, then you might consider what you're broadcasting. | |
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| Is flirting the right thing to do?
Posted: 6/27/2009 5:47:13 PM | My guess, based on what I've felt in similar situations:
You're very pretty and most men you talk to will have some sort of physical attraction to you. When you start the flirting they believe you're feeling the same thing and start getting really interested. When you suddenly turn it off they believe they've just been manipulated - and its likely they've been manipulated several times in the past - so all the good feelings flush down the toilet. | |
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| Is flirting the right thing to do?
Posted: 7/2/2009 3:28:37 PM | | I only 'flirt' if I feel that there is a mutual attraction, and only in a limited 'fun' oriented way. Like I said, there is nothing overt. I don't suck on my spoon and run my finger up and down my tall latte cup. And I don't just 'turn it off' suddenly. My intention is to say, "Yes, I sense your attraction on more than a platonic level, and I am returning the sentiment'. Like I said, my problem is as soon as there is any sort of non-platonic interest shown on my part, the focus is turned toward the topic of sex, and I'm faced with the unfortunate act of diffusing graphic questions and trying to get it back to a less overly intimate discussion. When I'm in a relationship open communication about intimacy is not only important, it's welcome, but so early in the game, I feel it's inappropriate, and from what I'm hearing from alot of you I guess flirting in any degree seems to be inappropriate too. I'm not sure what to do now. First I get complaints thay I don't show honestly when I'm interested in someone, now I get that I show too much that I'm interested. I'm sorry, but I need both and intellectual AND a physical connection with someone, so I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck with EITHER/OR. Siiiiiggghhh. Maybe I should forget about dating and take up crocheting...except I SUCK at crocheting. | |
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| Is flirting the right thing to do?
Posted: 7/2/2009 3:53:51 PM | OK, nothing wrong in flirting.
More experienced well rounded guys take it as is and carry on.
Less so guys zero in on that, cus they are only one dimensional.
If you keep getting the one note guys do more recon before the date.
Cus you're not hitting your match.
good Luck! | |
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| Is flirting the right thing to do?
Posted: 7/3/2009 2:16:44 AM | What's wrong with your statement is this:
Men are trying to sleep with you from the beginning. Sex is a subtext in every interaction men have with women they are dating. Its what we do. The woman engaging in sexual flirting is an escalation of interest and can mean a green, or at least yellow, light on progressing to the next step on the flow chart that starts with meeting and ends with knocking boots.
But more mature and experienced men understand that sometimes flirting is just flirting and done for its own stake because its fun, like water-skiing. | |
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| Is flirting the right thing to do?
Posted: 7/3/2009 9:41:50 PM | | I'm going to take Stray Cat's advice and chat online or on the phone a lot more before I meet someone in person. But I'm not going to suppress my own natural fun loving nature. I'll just be able to weed out the ones that can't take it facetiously until we are both at the stage where we are both serious enough to take it further. I'm not inundated with scads of sophisticated men where I live, but that's okay, because I'm very easy going and want to meet someone who can laugh at life right along with me. So I guess my quest won't be easy, but now that I have heard from 'the other side' I feel alot more informed. Thanks all who have replied to this thread. | |
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| Is flirting the right thing to do?
Posted: 7/4/2009 11:53:59 AM | MsIntrepid, you are absolutely gorgeous, and you seem to have a brilliant mind. Would that infer that a little flirtation leads to the bedroom? Of couse not! I use flirtation all the time in real life situations as it let's the woman know that she is desireable, and I find her attractive, and it should be construed as a compliment, not as a come-on.
Of course, on the other hand, I find that most of the male gender will reveal their true nature when flirted with. If you are not using the bedroom eyes, nor handing him the keys to your apartment, an honest, upright man will see flirting as a compliment and enjoy the moment without thinking that the horizontal mambo is the next step.
Now, how do you feel about an over the hill gent that would like to make whoopie with you?   | |
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