| From a guy with custody of his kid
Posted: 6/27/2009 12:50:37 PM | I was wondering about a statement I heard/read about a week ago:
"It's ok if a guy has kids, just don't tell me that they're the most important thing in the world to you. Who wants to be 2nd best all the time?"
The quote is paraphrased, but it hits closly enough to the original for me to make my point.
Here's my question: Is it a sign of incompatability between the two people if one has kids and openly states that they value the kid more than any other person they're ever going to meet? Because I'm like that. Women may or may not be forever, but my daughter will always be the apple of my eye.
I didn't know what love really meant until I had my daughter. Whenever I meet a woman, I ask myself if I think it would be possible to love that woman like I do my daughter. Does this make me potentially uncaring in a relationship, that I put first families first? Does the fact that I will look after my child no matter what (or more importantly for this site, no matter who) comes along means that I am not capable of being an acceptable partner in a relationship?
And I think it's fair to say up front that the answers (if any) to this question won't change my position on my kid! She'll always be number one to me.
Personally, I wouldn't want to date a woman with kids who *didn't* have them placed as their life's highest priority, but I have always been unusual in my outlook on life, so who knows? Is the "My kids come first" line in a profile a warning sign that this person will not be a good person to try and start a relationship with? | |
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| From a guy with custody of his kid
Posted: 6/27/2009 12:56:36 PM | I'm with you and I give you the utmost respect.
Your children while they are young NEED you.
A woman should not , she should bring you joy.
I see men/woman that throw their kids under the bus for romance. It's wrong.
I also see the backlash and wreckage from years of workinig with kids that have
been made to feel they need to compete with Daddy's new gf. It's not pretty.
Keep doing what your doing. Don't forsake those kids for anybody.
If someone objects to your choice, F&Ck em. | |
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| From a guy with custody of his kid
Posted: 6/27/2009 1:02:11 PM | Any woman who would write that, is not a woman you want your children around.
Yes, kids come first. Always. Especially being raised by single parents. When married they should be an important part of the family, but the marriage must also be given top priority as well. | |
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| From a guy with custody of his kid
Posted: 6/27/2009 1:04:40 PM | Thank you Chill for your support. It makes me feel better.
I totally agree that my child needs me, where as a woman should not. I am looking for a woman who wants me, not one who needs me. The feelings of want are what makes a person willing to work towards a goal (which is what a relationship is all about: teamwork), where as the feeling of need often makes a person angry over time. Everyone wants to be independent and in control of their own life, they don't want to feel beholden to anyone. It just generates resentment.
Besides, my daughter is a very loving child. If no other woman on Earth wants to be seen with me, I don't care, because I already have the love of a beautiful girl. 
But you still, over time and with enough rejection, come to feel as though you are doing something wrong. Thank you for your comment! | |
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| From a guy with custody of his kid
Posted: 6/27/2009 1:15:39 PM | I heard a story just a couple of days ago. Guy and girl have shotgun wedding after a couple of months. They have a couple of children. Girl starts runnin around on the guy. Sleepin with everyone. Leavin the kids, one of which is still a 6 month old baby, the other who's maybe 2, home alone while she meets with them. Child services step in and take the kids away. Instead of fighting for his children back, the guy decides he'd rather stick it out with his wife instead.
That story made me sick. I can't believe that shit happens but it does apparently. Putting that your children come first in a profile should never be a turnoff but it is kind of redundant. It should ALWAYS be assumed. Any woman that doesn't take on that assumption is no better than a deadbeat dad and shouldn't be given any consideration to begin with.It doesn't mean that time can't be made to spend together alone and with the kids eventually down the line. It doesn't mean that you can't find the type of love you're looking for. It'll just take a bit more time and understanding on both sides, especially if she doesn't have kids herself. But no, it's not a warning sign at all, unless that person just isn't ready for that kind of situation. And in that case, it hopefully serves its purpose. | |
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| From a guy with custody of his kid
Posted: 6/27/2009 1:20:05 PM | yeah.. Well how horrible would it feel if your daughter rejected you because she came to an age where she felt neglected by her father because he put the woman he desired ahead of her.
I don't know why you would feel like you were doing something wrong for a minute. Don't ever second guess your devotion as a father.
Yes, a single parent can sometimes feel lonely, don't confuse that with feeling like you have done something wrong by prioritizing your child. I cancelled a lot of dates or just couldn't make them because my children and what I needed to do for them was most important. Yes, some men dropped off and didn't understand my need to be an effective parent outweighed my desire to be in an romantic relationship. So it was there loss, not mine or my kids. I don't want a man that is so self absorbed that he thinks he should be more important to me than my kid. F*CK him.
You can create a healthy balance and have the best of both worlds. Your daughter will come to an age where she can respect that her Father wants someone as his companion. Hell, my kids right now keep telling me to get a bf so I will get out of the house once in awhile. I didn't know it, but apparently I'm cramping there style by being home so often.
You are doing the right thing. My oldest is thirty. Before you know it your gonna turn around one day and they will be grown. The unfortunate truth is they won't need you the same way they do now. Don't let any obstacle get in the way of the precious memories you can make now with your child. Not the love of money, woman or anything. Just keep doing what your doing. Kudos. | |
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| From a guy with custody of his kid
Posted: 6/27/2009 1:28:08 PM | You're doing what a lot of men refuse to do. Too many men don't put their children first. Too many deadbeat dads out there who are not taking care of their children. And many of those children grow up messed up.
I remember a guy posting here saying he didn't want to have kids because it messes up the relationship and he would have to compete for the mother's affections.
Chill is right. My dad left my mom and me, he allowed my stepfather to adopt me. Later I tried and failed to establish a relationship with him. It really couldn't be done. He just was not my ''father''. | |
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| From a guy with custody of his kid
Posted: 6/27/2009 1:38:59 PM | | Your children come first...period. You will always have your child, partners may come and go. A good woman would respect and admire that your daughter is first. | |
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| From a guy with custody of his kid
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:37:57 PM | Agree with Chill.
I wouldn't want to date a guy who didn't make his kids #1. Shows what kind of man he really is. | |
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| From a guy with custody of his kid
Posted: 6/27/2009 4:50:26 PM |
'm with you and I give you the utmost respect.
Your children while they are young NEED you.
A woman should not , she should bring you joy.
I see men/woman that throw their kids under the bus for romance. It's wrong.
I also see the backlash and wreckage from years of workinig with kids that have
been made to feel they need to compete with Daddy's new gf. It's not pretty.
Keep doing what your doing. Don't forsake those kids for anybody.
If someone objects to your choice, F&Ck em.
I agree however actions speak louder than words an we have to be prepared for people who have no experience of kids to not understand the context in which parents can say things.
There really is no need to say your kids come first.. It is obvious to a parent (certainly any worth the title of parent) it is understood but not understood by people that dont have kids.
So why say it ? You find out soon enough if people have odd views , are dangerous , unwilling to learn , or not the "raw" material to learn.
Someone saying they put their kids first means next to nothing in reality. It proves nothing , it demonstrates little. | |
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| From a guy with custody of his kid
Posted: 6/27/2009 4:53:01 PM | | Tried to PM you after someone whined about a guy posting in this section and was unable to due to your filter, but I think that if a Female cannot accept that you value your children more than her, you should move on. She sounds selfish and like a lot of trouble. +1 to you | |
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| From a guy with custody of his kid
Posted: 6/27/2009 4:55:32 PM | funkymonkee said:
"Someone saying they put their kids first means next to nothing in reality. It proves nothing , it demonstrates little."
I have had women get upset with me, and I mean really upset, because of my kid.
I had a date planned with this girl I knew, and the day of the date, my kid got sick. I called her up to tell her what was up, and that I would have to cancel the date. She flipped out, and told me that I was just saying that because I didn't want to go out with her, and that I wasn't being fair to "her needs".
And that was the end of that.
So I still feel it is necessary to set the ground rules from the word go. | |
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| From a guy with custody of his kid
Posted: 6/27/2009 7:29:39 PM |
I had a date planned with this girl I knew, and the day of the date, my kid got sick. I called her up to tell her what was up, and that I would have to cancel the date. She flipped out, and told me that I was just saying that because I didn't want to go out with her, and that I wasn't being fair to "her needs".
 Thank your daughter, she did you a huge favor that day... saved you time, and trouble.
I dated a great, wonderful, super sexy single- fulltime dad who had to cancel alot, his girl was really having a bad few months.. she had serious viral infection and could not kick it for awhile.
I kept in constant contact with him and on nights she felt well enough to stay with her Mom we got together. I even picked up some homeopathic remedy stuff, and gathered as much info as I could on her symptoms to help ease his mind.
I could never respect anyone that would ignore their child or cast them off to date, I could never imagine feeling any attraction to a guy that could.
There's a great, secure loving woman out there who will love that about you! | |
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| From a guy with custody of his kid
Posted: 6/27/2009 8:00:36 PM | Everyone's kids mean the world to them, everyone loves and nurtures and protects their kids above all else.
That isn't the same as them "always coming first" or "being my number one priority". I think this attitude that the sun should always rise and set on our kids' butts is largely to blame for the spoiled rotten, self-centred, entitled teens & young adults we see so often.
My priorities change , sometimes very quickly. I think most people's do. My kids are often at the top, especially when they were very young. But sometimes my job has to come first, my sister, my house, *gasp* sometimes I am! Or OMG, yes I'm going to say it...sometimes my relationship needs to take priority over everything else.
Part of raising kids responsibly is to teach them to be self-reliant, to be aware of others, that the universe does not revolve around them, and they will not always be the priority.
Learning those things helps them to learn to prioritize in their own lives, to solve their own problems,and to see themselves realistically in the context of something bigger. A family, a team, a school, a workplace.
I would not date a man who felt that his kids should always come first. Not because I'm selfish or not a good parent myself, but because I wouldn't agree with his lifestyle. | |
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| From a guy with custody of his kid
Posted: 6/27/2009 8:18:02 PM | If your kids come first, why date at all?
It would make more sense to divide your time and attention among your responsibilities (child-rearing, work, maintaining a home) and not divide it even further by pursuing romantic relationships.
Few women should want the crumbs you might have left over after devoting yourself to your full-time parenting responsibilities.
Personally, I wouldn't want to date a man with kids in the same way that you wouldn't want to date a woman with kids who *didn't* have them placed as their life's highest priority. Right? | |
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| From a guy with custody of his kid
Posted: 6/27/2009 8:58:37 PM | Yes, kids come first. Always.
That's not really true, is it?
While overall, the child should be your no. 1 priority, in individual instances, it's just not healthy for the children to think the world revolves around them. They need to trust dad, but they also need to understand that they need to wait their turn, right?
Your kid probably wants to spend more time with dad, but dad's work comes first in that instance.
Dad probably works out or plays softball or golf or something--why doesn't the kid come first then?
If dad chooses to date, he needs to be prepared to take time away from the kid and spend time with the girlfriend. AND THAT'S OK.
I think teaching your kids proper priorities is EXTREMELY important. I think teaching your children how to have successful and healthy relationships (by showing them how to do it) is EXTREMELY important--more important than teaching your kid that she is always no. 1. She needs to learn she isn't, actually. always no. 1. Do not be helicopter parents. | |
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| From a guy with custody of his kid
Posted: 6/27/2009 9:04:13 PM | | My child is Number 1 and will always be. Sorry, but your blood should always come first and anyone who persued a relationship with you should know that. | |
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| From a guy with custody of his kid
Posted: 6/27/2009 9:15:33 PM | Don't you think you'd be a much happy person if you found someone that you could love more than anything or anyone in the world?
That would definately rub off on your daughter making her a happier person. And then when she hits 14 she wouldn't feel as guilty about ditching you to hang out with her friends.
Or else give up dating until she's old enough to date. | |
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