| I'm really finding it hard to not turn bitter..
Posted: 6/28/2009 12:53:44 AM | It's kinda long but there really is a point so please read.
I am a recently divorced 28 year old woman with a infant son whom I have been taking care of alone for the past 6 months or so since my husband ended up thinking it was a good idea to beat me up one night while he was drinking and I threw him in jail. Up until 2 weeks ago I had not had any contact with him until recently when he called me from jail and pretty much tried everything he could to try and talk me into comming back to him. I still very much love this man despite what he put me through, but I know it is not fair to not only me but to my son if I took him back.
I thought I was able to move on and meet some new people and try to at least make friends, but I am finding it really hard to let anyone in. I have become rather bitter and immediatly find flaws in a person before I ever really give them a fair chance. I am not desperate for love, but I would at least like to meet a decent companion to share my life with and who knows, maybe even blow my mind and fall for him.
I guess what I am worried about and do not understand how to change is my attitude towards people who are trying to get me to let them in. I have become extremely picky of who I even talk to now. I feel my heart grow bitter and cold day by day and just don't really have hope of meeting anyone I can even TALK on a face to face basis..how do I stop this trainwreck before it happens?
Sincerely,
Kendra  | |
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| I'm really finding it hard to not turn bitter..
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:10:48 AM | Kendra, congratulations, you are NORMAL and ON TRACK...
This is YOUR coping mechanism, because you are NOT ready to move forward, but rather figure out what it is you want in your life. Figure out where things went wrong, how to deal with what went wrong, AND if you can really stick to your guns by keeping mr abuser out of your life for you and your sons' own good...
I know sounds pretty weird, but it is the truth...
Shug, sometimes we have to find out how to really truly love ourselves so that we can heed the red flags when it comes to bringing in the right person for you.... Right now you probably have lost your confidence in men, AND may even secretly resent yourself for loving someone who abused you, and put you into the position of starting all over again...
This isn't the plans you had for your life, for you sons' life, and in particular you to the marriage you put your heart and soul into... The other complication is the fact that despite all things you are still in love with this man, and his chatter probably confuses you even more.
Some times the best thing you can do is get off the dating merry go round, and look for ways to improve YOUR own real estate... If you have a good job, volunteer, join groups that you share in hobbies, and maybe even learn something new... If you need to, go to school and get a degree, or training that can help you progress..
This is a hard time in your life, and being able to accept that life isn't the way you had planned it, IS disappointing, your heart will once again soften JUST ENOUGH to let in those that you are willing to explore a little further to see if they are worth giving a chance... Until then, love yourself, and don't forget that YOU are a wonderful person, and a good mum for taking a stand to NOT allowing yourself, or your son to see the ugly side of abuse... | |
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| I'm really finding it hard to not turn bitter..
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:18:10 AM | Wow, you said some pretty powerful stuff there. Thank you for that.. I was beginning to feel myself fall into a dark place but when you said that what I was feeling was normal and I should take time to improve myself you really got me. That is what I really and truely want to do.
His words do confuse me and it is hard just to turn off the old me which kept believing he would change and stop the abuse, however there is a new piece to this puzzle being my son, and I will be damned if I let him get hurt because his mommy wasn't strong enough to choose his well being over her own.
Thank you for saying I am a good mom..I doubt that sometimes.
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| I'm really finding it hard to not turn bitter..
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:29:06 AM | You are welcome...
You will have at least a thousand times to wonder if the choice you made for your son is the right one... Part of the time it is going to be ok, and sometimes welllllll perhaps you might have had a better option...
No matter what, as long as you have FULL love in your heart for him, and remember you are always trying to do right by him, he will love you, and see that from you...
Your ex. he has to far away to go to be a good person, and love like he should... I too have walked a road similar to yours, it is hard, but when you reach that moment of being OK, you will realize you made it through the worst...
Namaste' Kate | |
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| I'm really finding it hard to not turn bitter..
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:46:57 AM | It's only been 6 months, you gotta give it some time!
And don't even think about letting that scumbag back into your life. That would be the stupidest possible move for you and your child now | |
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| I'm really finding it hard to not turn bitter..
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:52:14 AM | | Yeah, I know Studioguy29. That really isn't a thought but it IS hard. I can't help that I still have feelings for him. Trust me, I am ashamed that I even do after what he has put me and our son through. You are right though time is what I have to let heal my wounds. | |
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| I'm really finding it hard to not turn bitter..
Posted: 6/28/2009 4:31:21 AM | I myself am "Bitter" as you put it. You may be "Bitter" but that's not a bad thing neccisarily
You are just becoming a different person. Don't trust anybody but don't find faults with them either. Approach cautiously like a lion approaching a man with an AK-47. Find out what the person is really like. See if they really do have faults and overlook the less horrible one's. There isnt a perfect person out there. So stop looking. | |
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| I'm really finding it hard to not turn bitter..
Posted: 6/28/2009 5:14:00 AM | You are going to school?
And raising a son?
Well, right there, that is a full plate for anyone.
Now throw in divorce recovery plus trauma recovery from being beaten by someone you love. Probably some kind of job to pay some bills.
Your plate overfloweth.
If you can allow some people to get a bit closer, that is great, but you are not Hercules.
Be prepared to tell people when you are not up to it, when you don't have the time, or the physical or emotional strength. A good person would accept that. Don't TRY or STRIVE to let people in. It will happen naturally, when you are ready. | |
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| I'm really finding it hard to not turn bitter..
Posted: 6/28/2009 6:14:36 AM | Kendra,
If you are finding flaws in others too quickly and are self sabotaging potential friendships, you should strongly consider seeing a therapist.
It is normal to be leery and "on guard" going into new relationships but it sounds like you are taking it to the extreme and that is not normal.
Find a professional to talk it out with. They'll be able to help you distinguish between being on guard and being completely closed off.
Good luck and don't try to force something you are not ready to handle. | |
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| I'm really finding it hard to not turn bitter..
Posted: 6/28/2009 6:18:09 AM | | I think being bitter right now is the most normal thing you can go through. In time this will fall into place and you will be able to move on. There isn't a calendar or clock to go by ... so its just until you feel it inside. I agree about the counseling. If he abused you one night - what about all the other times you blocked out - verbally or physically. Thank God you saved your child! You are an inspiration and a great person! | |
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| I'm really finding it hard to not turn bitter..
Posted: 6/28/2009 11:28:18 AM | Hey Kendra;
If I can add a different viewpoint. I've recently met someone here on POF who is in a similar situation , as far as the trust issues.I was lucky enough for her to let down her guard just a little, and take a chance on me. We had a meet & greet that ended up lasting 4 hrs (after e-mailing, and finally , phone calls for a week prior). Turns out we had a lot in common. We've been in touch pretty much every day, and have gone out to dinner.
My point is, even as good as that sounds, she is still very cautious about me, and we are moving very slowly. It's understandable, considering how the trust is so hard to re-claim. I've told her time and again that I will respect any boundaries she has, until she is ready to get closer, and will prove it by my actions.
I know there are a lot of guys out there who would consider this to be too much maintenance, and move on. Those are not for you, anyways, so nothing lost. Keep listening to your heart, tread softly, and most importantly, keep the a-hole radar fine-tuned. But don't paint every man with the same brushstroke, or you might miss a good one. Good luck. | |
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| I'm really finding it hard to not turn bitter..
Posted: 6/28/2009 4:30:51 PM | Readyornot57: Yeah, I am going to school part time. I attend a few classes here and there when I can squeeze them in. You are right, I do have alot on my plate lol.
If you can allow some people to get a bit closer, that is great, but you are not Hercules.
Be prepared to tell people when you are not up to it, when you don't have the time, or the physical or emotional strength. A good person would accept that. Don't TRY or STRIVE to let people in. It will happen naturally, when you are ready
You are right..and I have been doing that, which I feel is off putting to most of my friends and such. They understand, but they are hurt. I do WANT to meet new people but I have a son..I can't just run out to a nightclub and meet some random guy who may want to take me out later and most nights I will have to say "No" as I am raising him practically alone. People don't understand that.. | |
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| I'm really finding it hard to not turn bitter..
Posted: 7/8/2009 10:09:08 AM | Whatever you do, please god don't try to get back with him. Abuse is something that should never be tolerated, and certainly not condoned.
Anyway, onto the main topic, I think this is something that anyone can relate to. Myself during my last break-up, whilst I certainly never suffered anything that severe, the betrayal of trust can put you in a very weird head space. I ended up with the same frustrated cynicism - you just get deflated, I guess.
But like everything in life, you just need to get past it. Force yourself to notice the good in things every chance you get. Go out of your way to be surrounded by things that make you happy, and get rid of the things that make you sad.
Eventually, it'll become a natural process again. | |
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| I'm really finding it hard to not turn bitter..
Posted: 7/8/2009 11:59:14 AM | | Bitterness is only one option. You might have better luck turning sour. Bitter is angry, while sour is just mildly unpleasant. Many people find that becoming sour allows them to maintain some social ties while bitterness cuts those off completely. | |
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| I'm really finding it hard to not turn bitter..
Posted: 7/8/2009 12:52:16 PM | | Kendra, I was divorced after 23 years of marriage....it takes time and you have to go thru a grieving period. After all you did have a child by him. I wouldn't reccomend going out looking for another man until your feelings for him are gone.Not fair to you or anyone else you may meet. I survived this period of time and so can you! | |
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| I'm really finding it hard to not turn bitter..
Posted: 7/8/2009 11:58:56 PM | Luthion:
I most definatly will not take him back, but I do harbor those icky feelings of regret. I don't miss HIM but I miss the partnership. I am in a lonely place right now and it is hard. The last 2 months have been extremely hard and going through it alone SUCKS!
You said "Force yourself to notice the good in things every chance you get." I am really really trying. It's kind of funny you said that because I read something that basically said if you want to change your perception of life simply do it. Catch yourself being negative and instead find a positive...keep doing so. Repeated behavior is reinforced behavior. =) Pretty much what you just said too lol!
Thanks for the reply. | |
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| I'm really finding it hard to not turn bitter..
Posted: 7/9/2009 12:00:30 AM | Icsvortex:
You are right. I am not "Looking" but I am keeping my options open. I don't want to absolutely close out my options right now but I am most definatly not scowering the town looking for love interests. I do however love the forums here and they help me vent. I have also met quite a few interesting people and am happy I decided to put a profile up here. | |
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| I'm really finding it hard to not turn bitter..
Posted: 7/9/2009 4:54:33 PM | you are absolutely correct NOT to let just any one in, or near you, or near your child!
you have too big a responsibility, for moving on with your life and making a life for your child. do NOT let your ex back in your life - unless he has proven, without any doubt whatsoever, that he has 100% fully and completely changed - that is, counseling, a regular program and being willing to stay away until you and your child are safe.
you have got to be the strong one. and, that does not mean bitterness. it just means keeping yourself and your child safe and protected. you can be open to those people that can be trusted to genuinely support and help you. another relationship is probably not the best option. you need a break, some distance and perspective.
please, please do not fall for the nonsense that is commonly known as "love from jail". this includes all the phone calls and letters that promise love and repentance, etc., etc. every man (?person) in jail goes through this. and as soon as they're out, they go right back to their old ways, old friends, old habits. don't be fooled, because that is the fastest way to real bitterness. | |
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| I'm really finding it hard to not turn bitter..
Posted: 7/9/2009 5:54:11 PM | | Yeah, I fell for that already once desert, and I will not do that again. You were absolutely right when you said they never change and just do the same stuff over and over again even when they promise you they "have had time to think" and "will appreciate you more now". It's like they have an abuser handbook they all get this stuff from or something. | |
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