| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:29:46 AM | I have gone out now with a total of 9 men. All but one has revealed...thank GOD before I went to bed with them, that they had a wife or a SO and they were still living in the same house together but they were out of town.
Some of these men I talked to for weeks at a time. I always ask if they are married. Get the answer NO but reveal the truth when we actually meet. Tonights adventure took this to an all new level.
Initial contact for one week via e-mail here. Moved forward to iming then to texting,talking on the phone. His profile says single. He tells me he has been married once before and then in a long term relationship for ten years but never married. He then decided he didn't want to be alone and joined POF.
I was excited to talk to him. He made me laugh and we spent hours on the phone for almost a week straight before finally deciding to meet. We go out and have a great time. He is wonderful and Good looking, fits my style and my life. He invites me to his home, a two bedroom condo looking over the redriver the next day. He cooks a wonderful meal. I ask him about his furniture. It looks like he had a great decorator. He then informs me that just about everthing in his house belongs to his roomate...a woman. He tells me the picture on the wall of the little girl is her child. I ask where they are. He says she is in Texas visiting family. I ask if the little girl lives with her father. He says no she lives with them. I cringe. It is a two bedroom condo. I ask if they are intimate. He says they once were but found themselves to be incompatible. I think maybe the mother shares her room with her daughter..at least I hope. I tell him, as long as she is OK with meeting me then I guess in todays world I can accept that. He then explains they have a rule not to bring home anyone......and yet....here he is...breaking the rules.
I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I had been betrayed yet again. But this time....he was good. I was fooled completely. I was ready to become intimate and had even planned for tonight.
All I can think about is how close I came to sleeping in another womans bed and having sex with her man while she was on vacation. My stomach hurts. I feel so bad for her. I vocally apologized aloud as I walked out the door and told him to never call me again. He disgusted me.
He is the 9th man I have met off of here whose profile said he was divorced or single and yet.....they are not.
What questions can I ask to prevent this kind of situation. How can I get these men to be upfront before I invest time and "thoughts" about them. All I want to do is make sure that I am clear as they are that we are free to explore life together and not only when their partners arn't looking. | |
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:34:56 AM | I think your down fall, or what makes you a "am married Magnet" is that the fact that you are "separated" yourself... Probably what is good for the goose, is good for the gander, therefore they MAY be thinking what is the big deal...
It is good that you don't want to be a home wrecker, but as I said, perhaps the issue is that you aren't divorced yet yourself... Just a thought... | |
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:37:47 AM | How funny you would post on this subject when you are "separated" and you went on a date with these men in that category?!
What in the world were you thinking?
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:39:25 AM | o..m...GGG!! Wowwww.. that really sucks ... you certainly have had a bad run of luck. I have very little constructive to say to you, I can't imagine how to weed out the players, especially when you are able to call them and even go for dinner at their place. My radar wouldn't have picked up anything suss at all. Other than stalking these guys... driving by their houses... I suppose you could try googling them? If you know where they have lived, maybe access births /marriages info? But really- you shouldn't have to. Poor you- and major huggggs for your concern for the duped woman in this sorry tale. Human beings can really act like baboons at times. (Apologies to all baboons out there!!) 
^^^^^ BTW.. to the above posters; being separated isn't necessarily a problem. I have been separated... 12 years. Do you think I am somehow not ready to move on???? You are blaming the OP for the bad behaviour of others.
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:45:16 AM | well, I am not divorced yet but only because the judge is taking his time. We have been split apart for years.He has his own life and is going to marry his ex-secretary once the divorce is final.
I just don't want to say Divorced until I am then have to explain that I lied on my profile.
I never thought that may be the reason why I am pulling these men. Hmmm, maybe I should explain it in my profile.
Thanks for that but any suggestions as to how to get to the truth when a man contacts me whether he has a SO or not?
I have a friend whose wife split on him over ten years ago. They are still married but he has not even seen her in over five years. To me that is not a deal breaker. I am only talking about men who are currently living with their SO and trying to cheat.
I can't spot them so I just want to ask the right questions. | |
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:56:27 AM | jojoaus..12 years to get a divorce? That time period might suggest there might be elements in your character that only attracts the losers.
Legally the term "separated" denotes you are still attached. So why should it be odd that unprincipled men are attracted to the OP?
There is no acceptable excuse for waiting until divorce proceedings are complete before seeking to date. (Patience is still a virtue)
Smart people refuse to make irrational decisions based on a physical need, that may have detrimental consequences.
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 2:04:36 AM | OP, 8 in a row .. thats amazing. I run across married/attached here as well, but so far as I know, I haven't gotten past email exchange with them. But some people are darn good at running cons, so I don't imagine I'm immune.
I doubt that your run of bad luck has much to do with being separated, to be honest, other than discouraging some truly unattached men from contacting you, but I would agree that there may be something in your approach that allows you to be conned a little bit.
With that in mind, I notice a couple of things ... first, you state on your first date portion that you "like to be schmoozed", you mention in your OP that he was "wonderful and Good looking, fits my style and my life" and you indicate that you are impressed by his home. These suggest to me that you are perhaps looking at the presentation a little too much, giving it more credence than it deserves and so miss hints or signs that things aren't quite right.
This is just something for you to consider, because other than a few words on an internet site, I have no idea how you operate in the real world. | |
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 2:14:30 AM | Ok pro-filer...updated....put the old boring coffee for the first meet...lol
and I don't know about being impressed with his furnishings...it kinda made me a little nervous because it was so well put together...the first thought I had was if my gay-dar was broken. Definitely a womans touch going on, that is why I had hoped it was a decorator that came in.
Nah! I have my own stuff so I don't need anyone else's but a man who does have his life together and takes care of his own tells me that I am not looking at a wasteful man.
I don't want to date someone who cares less about his way of life then I do. If he drives his motorcycle into his living room to fix it...he isn't for me. | |
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 2:43:32 AM |
He tells me he has been married once before and then in a long term relationship for ten years but never married.
What? Once married or never married?
And just curious, did he ever verbalize during or after your date that he had a SO or was married? | |
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 3:09:22 AM | I've said this before ...
For so many people online, "divorced" means 'the word came up once in a fight between us,' and "separated" means 'we're in separate rooms, and she'll kill me if she catches me online with you.'
You just need to ask really direct, pointed questions and not be satisfied til you get real answers. There are people out there who will rationalize any degree of weird situation just to get the experience of fresh intimacy. | |
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 3:43:15 AM | | OMG... just get off of POF and stop dating until you're single. If you're going to complain about guys in your own category of not yet fully single, trying to get it on, then just put on a chastity belt until you get some sense! | |
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 4:27:11 AM | | One way to decrease the odds of this happening again would be to contact guys who have had profiles up for a while. If the profile is only two weeks old, maybe he learned of an upcoming vacation and threw one up in haste. | |
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 5:33:50 AM | Good suggestion, ReadyOrNot.
Forumnite, I know your post wasn't about whether you're separated or divorced - you were asking for a better screening process to keep away the married jerks who keep lying about their marital status.
I've given the same speech to every guy I've met from POF - when we first meet face to face, I tell them that if I find out they're married or in a committed relationship, I will find their wife/significant other and I WILL tell her. Then I'll hunt him down, rip off his arm, and beat him with the bloody stump. I tell them this in a joking manner, but I get my message across.
Jerks that pull this crap - with the innocent women on dating sites and on their wives/girlfriends - are going to the special Hell. | |
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 5:47:30 AM | | im sorry this happened to you... but. i dont belive being separated signifies and attachement.... could be that financially.. for the mortgage.. (she might not qualify) so he keeps his name on is.. and they dont divorce.. or... for her benifit to say on his medical dental.. there are some nice guys around.... doesn tmean the womans still attached to him tho...theyre are ways to tell tho.. if you cant fone him at certain hours.. or.. he always has to call you...thats a big clue | |
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 5:53:41 AM | Either you have some really bad luck in dating or you believe everything people tell you.
Ask questions, pointed ones. Sounds to me like you date and talk with these people and nothing substantial gets discussed, its easy for them to avoid telling you the truth. Not that I grill people I date but seems to me asking about what they do, where they live, who is important in their life, are they dating others, do they have a roommate, kids, pets etc is all part of learning about the other person.
You should re-evaluate what your looking for and brush up on some simple "get to know you" conversation. I'd also rethink the "sleep with everyone I date" mentality. Sounds like you are tired of being alone and are "settling" for the first thing that comes along who, kinda, sorta fits......
And OP, as others have pointed out, you are "separated", so if I were looking at your profile I'd read that you feel dating while separated is clearly OK with you. Why, then, is it ok for you to date while separated, yet the guy who does so it scum? You said he told you when asked, that he and his roommate were intimate but they realized they were "incompatible", so that doesn't sound like he has a SO or a wife. I know several people who get along just fine with someone they once slept with. I wasn't there, so I don't know if he was lying but you seem to be judging others harder than yourself. | |
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 7:20:15 AM |
I think your down fall, or what makes you a "am married Magnet" is that the fact that you are "separated" yourself... Probably what is good for the goose, is good for the gander, therefore they MAY be thinking what is the big deal...
I agree with nexthyme. Separated = married. So, that is who married men are most likely to find interesting, those who are, themselves, interested in an adulterous relationship.
Beyond that, there are telltale signs, early on in talking with someone, that "give away" that he/she might be "involved", either married or living with. If phone calls are never spontaneous, and you can't call him on a whim, there might be an issue. If email seems to "drop off" over weekends, and is mostly sent during the day, those could be indicators.
I've always been a proponent of waiting 2-3 weeks to meet someone IRL from online. There have been several times, where I sensed something was "off", mostly having to do with strict restrictions of when to call, or response time to email, etc.. and just let things go.
In any case, OP, your 9 oout of 10 number is extraordinarily high, probably for the reason nexthyme mentioned. I've dated quite a bit, since divorcing over 10 years ago, and for every one I met from online, there were 2-3 that became online connections for a week or two. So, out of all of those, there's only been one I found out was married, and so far as I know, I've never gotten to the point of meeting a married woman IRL. | |
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 10:00:45 AM |
I was ready to become intimate and had even planned for tonight.
I'm really surprised no one else picked up on this statement. You mentioned you had been emailing/talking for a week, then a meet, then the next day at his home. This would make day 8 and you're ready to give yourself to this man.
While I definitely don't believe he was completely honest with you, I do think 8 days is a bit quick, but then again maybe I'm old school. The term 'intimate' really does envelope more than just a sexual encounter.
If what you were looking for was a little sex, than 8 days is probably just fine. If true intimacy is what you're looking for, it won't happen after 8 days. I think you might find yourself getting hurt a lot less if you explore that difference a little bit. | |
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 10:39:10 AM |
All I want to do is make sure that I am clear as they are that we are free to explore life together
Well, obviously if you're attracting and attractive to men (9!) who are in some sense, you need to start dating men you're not attracting and are not attracted to.
Or, you need to get one of those GPS tracking devices on the ones you do attract, like they use on polar bears or bengal tigers. Then you can see where they're really going, and eventually you'll know all you need to know about them. Then perhaps you can start dating. | |
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 10:54:08 AM |
.updated....put the old boring coffee for the first meet...lol
Well, doesn't have to be boring old coffee. :) There are lots of other options out there. Take a risk - have a date, not an interview! :) | |
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 11:17:13 AM | | Just take it with a grain of salt, dust yourself off and move on. Your why me attitude with the idea of over analyzing everything might be the key. | |
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 12:59:38 PM | I had similar experiences when I first re-entered the "dating scene". I could have become very discouraged by the apparent indications that the majority of men who wish to date at this stage in life are all lying losers. However, I prefer to remain optimistic that only a few men, are lying losers.
My recommendation to avoid disappointment in dating is to be blunt about questioning those you're interested in:
How current are your photos?
Do you have any taken this week?
Please send them to me.
Could we web cam so that I may see you in person before meeting at a new place?
When did your last relationship end - completely? (no clinging calls, or texting)
Where does your ex live?
If he has room mates who are they, how many are they, what are their sexes, and ages, who sleeps where, etc.,
It pays to be nosey, snoopy and investigate thoroughly the person you're considering meeting off the internet.
It also pays to not be willing to consider sex the same moment in time as the 1st meeting - no matter how spectacular your lead up experiences have been. | |
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:03:29 PM |
My recommendation to avoid disappointment in dating is to be blunt about questioning those you're interested in:
How current are your photos?
Do you have any taken this week?
Please send them to me.
Could we web cam so that I may see you in person before meeting at a new place?
When did your last relationship end - completely? (no clinging calls, or texting)
Where does your ex live?
If he has room mates who are they, how many are they, what are there sexes, and ages, who sleeps where, etc.,
If a woman subjected me to that sort of hard line questioning, I'd politely tell her to buzz off. My mind reels imagining what she'd be like on an actual date.  | |
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:05:51 PM | What she would be is safe from a lying loser unless you're a really GOOD lying loser.
Which may be the case if those questions would offend, it's entirely within a woman's right to ask a complete and total stranger off the internet those questions BEFORE meeting him and having intercourse with him.
Anything less than that is asking for not only disappointment but the infamous one fyck and he's gone.
A man who finds that form of questioning offensive? Must have something to hide.
And any man not willing to inform his date of those things? Isn't much a man when it comes to making a woman feel safe and comfortable with getting to know him.
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| having a SO or a Wife but not at home
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:09:41 PM | Wonders what % of women ask anywhere near those type questions..
Now..back to reality. Some of those questions concerning the ex are simply inappropriate.
Millions of couples meet everyday without subjecting a potential date to gestapo techniques, so you are clearly off your freaking rocker.
That's your criteria, but not every woman needs to follow that mess to establish whether or not a man is safe.
unreal. | |
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