| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 9:45:27 AM | I have noticed in reading profiles of men between the ages of 30 and 45 that they continually say "woman with no drama or baggage" "a woman who is drama free" etc etc etc. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN AND WHY DO THESE MEN FEAR IT SO?
When I have inquired with a couple of men individually looking to find out what they meant I got a different answer from each of them which, in my own words, translated into the following:
1. A no strings attached relationship - no rules no expectations (low maintenance sex?}
2. A woman who doesnt have a psycho baby daddy just released from the penitentiary shacked up at the bottom of her driveway (this one I can understand haha)
3. A woman who can pay her own bills, has money in the bank, and no hungry mouths to feed ie. no children (how are children drama - this guy is an idiot possibly)
4. A woman who knows her place and doest talk back (ummm ok .. sure buddy)
So all that being said - WHAT DOES THIS DRAMA REALLY MEAN? Does each man who says it mean something different or is there a norm for what it "usually" means? Further more --- how much "drama" have these guys already been through to feel the need to post that on their profiles and even more importantly WHY have they been through all o that?
I posted on my profile that I dont want horny dudes sending me email - they should visit the adult entertainment section of the yellow pages and not waste my time - but that is beacause 90% of the email I receive here is a cry for sexual release (ugh). But I dont have NO DRAMA NO DRAMA hahaha. Help me with this people please!
Any thoughts anyone? | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 9:53:05 AM | | Some of these guys who want "drama free"..seems like they want cardboard woman with no past, present or future. | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 9:56:27 AM | Every man's answer will be different but for me... it goes without saying, I watch and listen and try to do so with an open-mind but if I detect that she's still attached to someone and just needs a shoulder to cry on. She can cry on mine but there won't be anything else to it.
"Drama" could be anything... being emotionally attached to someone you can't stop talking about... constantly talking about exes and how they wronged you... just general flakiness where you're constantly making excuses why you don't stay in contact, why you don't know what you want, etc., etc., ad nauseum.
As for you're list, I think you got #1 right... NSA is pretty self-explanatory. Beck and call girl?
#3... you're right. Guys who don't want children just don't want children, it's not a "drama" issue. I'd be careful of anyone you get involved with and certainly make sure they're with you because they like the package... you + the child(ren).
#4... lol, at least you didn't waste your time on him. :)
GL | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 10:05:31 AM | ( being emotionally attached to someone you can't stop talking about... constantly talking about exes and how they wronged you...)
Bonspeed - great answer thank you - funny too! But I have to ask if I may - does speaking FONDLY of an ex interpret as being still hung up on him? Allow me to illustrate .. .if we are on a date talking about childhood, or school, or funny things that happened in life - and some of my memories include my former husband/lover - and I only had ONE man my whole life until now ... would that interpret to the man I am dating that I am still in love with the dude - or that I am actually cool enough about the separation to still look back on past memories with a clear mind and happy heart?
Just curious - because I do that from time to time - no matter who is part of the picture or memory I am sharing - I dont leave the detail of their presence out - I just carry on .. but it doesnt mean anything. I wonder if it sounds like it does even though its always GOOD recollections? | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 10:15:36 AM | | If every woman could keep the level of reminiscence on "good recollections" it would not be drama. But unfortunately that's rarely the case. | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 10:20:57 AM | What drama means to me.When a girl goes on all about how much she hates drama usually means shes the number on cause of it.My last long term relationship my ex was the drama queen.It took me a while to figure it out because she was never honest and that where all the drama came from.She lied to me,her friends and her family about anything and everything.From the big to to the small it was always a lie.and when she was caught in the lie she would try turning it all around to make the victim the bad guy.I started witnessing the behavior when she let her gaurd down and got sloppy. Then I realized I was being lied to also.It was way worse than I could of imagined what Icaught her lying about to me.I won't go into pointless detail, but people that cause drama tend to be liars and do other multiple bad behavior on top of it.They usually tend to blame others and turn others against each other.
Drama is life so you have to expect some things are not always perfect.The normal type of drama usually doesnt last long and can be figured out.Its the habitual offenders that most men and women refer to and worry about. | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 10:23:24 AM | Well, for ME, talking about an ex wouldn't be an issue. I've found that I can learn a great deal about a person... how she's dealt with issues etc., from listening to her talk about past relationships. I always ask someone up front if they mind discussing their past... some are fine with it and others would rather not but I think there's a great deal to learn from that discussion.
When I say that there may be "drama" in it... what I'm looking for is hard to explain (never tried to before) but having been in a relationship with a woman whom I was the rebound for... I tend to be a bit careful. Not that I'm going to dump her on the first date if I sense a little flakiness but it's going to take me a little more time to open up to her. I need to know that she is emotionally available because I'm one of those guys that has no trouble committing myself to a woman. I think it's important to protect yourself emotionally when you're attracted to someone and that attraction (mental/physical/emotional) is growing. Some of us fall hard and fast and me personally, I have no fear of commitment, just want to make sure the commitment is well placed, if that makes any sense.
But yes... when you've loved someone there's always a little piece of you that cares for them. Anyone who can't understand that has never been in love. If I didn't see that in a potential partner... I'd be worried. | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 10:26:14 AM | | Guys who put "NO DRAMA!" on their profile probably had a bad experience in the past, though they're being foolish because saying no drama doesn't actually keep drama away. It's the same thing as all the women who put "NO CHEATERS OR LIARS!", do they really think that someone reading it will think Oh, I'm a liar and a cheater (or drama queen), I'd best not contact them.? It's foolish and naive to put those sorts of things on the profile, but some people are just foolish and naive. | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 10:32:00 AM | Passionate Gent - I want to quote your response BUT IT JUST ISNT WORKING for me! Clearly Im not doing it correctly - sorry for that.
However - thanks for visiting - if you happen to come back around - and have time - please elaborate further on what you started to say if you dont mind.
Do most women who date pine away for a lost love or something? If that is the case, why are they even on a date? That may not be what you were implying - hopefully I shall soon find out.
Thanks again. | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 10:34:07 AM | Monty - sounds like you dated my sister! (terrible thing to say I know - but honest at least lol)
She had a knack for starting trouble and blaming the victim --- I hated that about her very much.
So most drama queens are liars --- well that may be true - and I know this much - they surely cannot be trusted with a secret or confidence --- which means they would be useless to me as well. | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 10:35:30 AM | Bonspeed --- thank you for coming back -- I appreciate your response and respect your point of view... you seem like you really have it together in your head .. truly. I wish all men thought the way you do - without a doubt.
Ummm so why was it that you said you are single??? (just kidding)
Thanks again.
Hugz
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 10:38:29 AM | AWP - 10 POINTS! HAHAH good point you make --- you are correct - love the sarcasm too (Oh Im a liar and a cheater I better not contact them)  hahah too funny.
Thanks for stoppin by! | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 10:40:06 AM | | Roguesoul - I have been mulling your comment over in my head - you might be onto something there, I have heard men speak as if they didnt want us to exist before we met them as well. To ad to that - if we learn from our mistakes, in past dating or relationships etc - and then apply what we have learned to a new someone .... its called baggage - not knowledge and experience .. ever notice that? hahaha | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 10:58:01 AM | | drama means i dont want to deal your exs or your girlfriends exs, you crying if i tell you im working in the yard and cant talk, or trying to guilting me because i want to hang out with my friends . | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 12:24:14 PM | Drama means, leading the kind of life, that would make a soap opera's main character shake her head in disbelief.
This doesn't mean she has to be perfect, and there is nothing wrong with the occasional misheaps or tragedies. But on a daily basis, such things can get quite tiredsome, especially, it they can be avoided.
Some women seem to bask in attracting negativity and hardship into their lives. And yes, so can some men. | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 12:51:44 PM | Urban Flavour I think I understand. I have several friends and two guys that I have dated state they are looking for an effortless relationship. They have some magical idea that when they are really in love with someone it will be effortless.
I always remind them that this is most likely the reason they are divorced.
When most men say drama they mean crazy energy spent on imaginary things. Take a look through the threads of women who go through email and cell phones, set up tests of loyalty and fidelity and question every single thing a man does as an insult to them or some kind of disrespect. | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:08:27 PM | For me drama free means she's not running through life trying to keep up with a lot of unresolved problems with no resolution in sight.
I differentiate everyday trials and tribulations from recurrent BS that many woman allow into their lives, such as:
A close relative or friend that is always trying to get emotional support because they will not make the tough choices that life involves. They are constantly pulling her into their issues.
Family members that cannot allow her to live her own life.
Exes that she doesn't have the courage to cut loose. Exes who she allows to control her life beyond common interests like children. The kind of guy who will not show up to pick up the kids because she has a date.
At some point, we need to take possession of our own lives in order to be truly available to a new romantic interest. | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:27:56 PM | I can only speak from experience, but my take on "drama" is constant fights over bulls**t.
Fights, disagreements, conflict etc, are all part and parcel of Life. I think most if not all men and women would accept this. But there is such a thing as over playing issues that are:
a) Trivial.
b) Cannot be changed (at least not over night).
c) Did I mention trivial?
Again, speaking from experience, I have to say that some people out there seem to have this belief that they can have anything they want. And that if they don't get it, then screaming, shouting and basically being a drama king or queen will enable them to get it. The exact behaviour of say, a small child, that doesn’t know any better.
Such behaviour is what I would classify as "drama" when it comes to us adults.
To clarify my position, let me give you a simplified example:
I met this woman several years ago that lived 200 miles away in another city. Even though I spent a lot of time, money and effort to see her as often as I could, you can bet that on EVERY weekend when I was not with her, she would insist on having a fight with me.
Reasons? Because I wasn't there with her. Because she was afraid I might be having affairs with other women. Because she felt lonely and needed some company. Because her Life was shit and she was unhappy with it all...
Maybe this was all a cry for help... But it was drama. Her issues were becoming MY issues, all within a space of a month or so and, consequently, I had to call it a day after month 6... It was all starting to really get me down.
There's no such thing as a perfect relationship, but I think some people out there generate unnecessary conflicts because of deeper underlying issues they may have with themselves or their lives... And in my mind, that constitutes "drama". | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 5:44:16 PM | | The drama men don't want is stuff that are irrelevant problems that prevent that relationship from being a happy one. No one wants a relationship with a woman that belongs on Jerry Springer, no man wants any more problems in a relationship than he has being single, the whole idea behind finding someone with no added drama is that life is hard enough without adding to it with personal problems of baggage from past relationships or hardships in your life. Sad but true | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 6:17:21 PM | To me it means this:
I don't want a woman in my life that is going to complicate it and make it more difficult than before I started having a relationship with her. When the relationship becomes unbalanced ( ie, there is more downside than upside) I seriously consider an exit strategy. | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 7:03:01 PM | Female here. For some reason I felt the need to rally for the men.
When a man says he doesnt want any drama...Thats exactly what he means.
Women are notorious for acting ridiculous and playing games. Unfortunately being in our 30's doesnt always equate maturity.
These are just a few of the silly things Ive seen my gal pals do/say.
1. He made me angry therefore I will sleep with his friend.
2. He made me angry therefore I will stay out and party all night giving him the impression im doing something wrong so he will *chase* me.
3. He made me angry therefore I will not answer my phone for days at a time and cause him undo worry, over something ridiculous as him not picking up his underwear.
4. He made me angry therefore I will stomp my foot and pout acting 4 years old.
5. I just met him and I want him to love and adore my children when they are screaming and yelling in a restaurant. How DARE he even THINK of asking my children to be civil.
6. We slept together twice, I want him to meet my entire family.
7. He didnt text me back right away OMG he is cheating.
8. How DARE he even consider going out without me. He must be cheating and doesnt love me anymore.
9. How dare he even fathom the thought of taking up a recreational activity without me. You mean he likes his own friends too? The NERVE!
10. He hates talking to me about makeup and cute lil nightgowns. Why does he ignore me after 45 minutes of this? How RUDE of him.
The list goes on. All drama. All garbage men do not want to deal with.
Personally, I cant say I blame them. | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 8:09:57 PM | Urban, I can't speak for every guy but I can speak for me.
Let me give you an example of no Drama.
To me no drama means not blowing something that is small into something big so you get attention. Case in point: I work for an ISP as a Help Desk guy. A 37 year old women I met on my-space asked me for my Cell phone number. We spoke for a few days on the phone and was planing our first date. On the day I was to confirm plans we had an outage at work.
350 inbound calls in 3 hours we were swamped. I missed lunch and never called her to confirm anything. When my shift was done I walked out from work turned on my cell and had 3 nasty text messages saying don't contact her again...This is what I mean by drama.
As for the Shy thing it comes in waves. Sometimes I am really too direct for some people and other times there will be this one girl and I mam very shy around her...It happens and I can't explain it.
I hope this helps ? | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 8:10:02 PM |
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN AND WHY DO THESE MEN FEAR IT SO?
Because it usually means the guy is getting used. Kind of like women complaining about men using them for sex? "Drama" usually translates into the guy being used for emotional validation (as opposed to physical).
1. A no strings attached relationship - no rules no expectations (low maintenance sex?}
Really means "I don't want you to put expectations of behavior on me. I don't want to live up to how you define 'boyfriend' behavior. I want to live up to my own definitions. I will decide which strings I place upon myself.
I want you to either accept, or completely reject, how I behave. Not accept some now to keep me around, and then try and change it in the future. Nor take my behavior as implying something relevant to your past, take it at face value or what I am trying to say."
2. A woman who doesnt have a psycho baby daddy just released from the penitentiary shacked up at the bottom of her driveway
Means "I don't want your past to affect my life. I don't want to find out that you are using me as a way to 'improve' or 'better' your life. I don't want to be used as a 'savior,' or an escape. Because that usually means there will come a point where you are 'saved' and can go forward...leaving me behind. Or you go back to your past...leaving me ahead. Or you've escaped far enough to go on your own. Leaving me in any case. So there is no security in a relationship with you.
I also don't want to have our relationship or feelings tested. Because that is risky. And I was never good at competition or tests."
3. A woman who can pay her own bills, has money in the bank, and no hungry mouths to feed ie. no children
Means "I don't want to be used as a 'provider.' In this day and age that type of relationship is looked down upon. So has negative connotations. I want a good relationship. Not a negative one.
If I am being used to provide, then what does that mean when the next guy comes along that has a greater ability to provide?
I also don't want your children. They are a constant reminder that I may simply be being used as a daddy figure (no matter what you say to the contrary), or to care for another persons children. They are a constant reminder that I was not your first choice. That I am second best. You pair bonded with a guy and had kids. Now I may be used to clean up your past mess. That you don't see me as me, but as a good father figure or provider.
So there is great potential that you are using me for what I have, not accepted or respected for who I am."
4. A woman who knows her place and doest talk back
Means "I have been taught my role, and have accepted it. Accept yours that I place upon you. I am placing expectations of behavior on you based on your gender role. Accept that. If you don't accept yours, then that calls into question mine...and I am really insecure that I don't ever want to have to question myself. I need constraints and something to follow so I don't have to take responsibility for decisions. If we follow the plan, then we (and I) are good people."
WHAT DOES THIS DRAMA REALLY MEAN?
It generally means don't use me as an extension of you.
Same as women saying no "games," no "one night stands," no "intimate encounters."
Women don't want to be valued as just a means for physical validation. Men don't want to simply be used for emotional validation.
Any thoughts anyone?
It shows that men and women are pretty much the same. They don't want to be used as the means to another persons end. That men and women want to be treated as an individual person. They are just trained to communicate, and view the other person, differently. | |
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| Why Are Men Over 30 Drama Shy?
Posted: 6/28/2009 8:43:13 PM | ^^I agree with the majority of your explanation. The only thing that is a little off is the kids comments. I mean, I'm not really looking to swoop in and save the day either, honestly. But unless she met you at the same time as the guy who knocked her up, it seems weird to think:
"They are a constant reminder that I was not your first choice. That I am second best. "
Now I'm going to get out of the way because I think there is a mob forming and torches are being lit.... | |
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