| The brave barbarian
Posted: 6/28/2009 10:57:43 AM | Before I begin I must say that I am a first time writer. Ive been toying with the thought of writing a story but never ran with that thought until now. I also wanted to ask if anyone would be interested in a message board based RPG I figured we could put our charecters on our profiles. OK without further distraction I give you my story. Feedback is very much wanted. Be it good or *Gulp* bad. hope you like it.
One bright and sunny day in the small village of barbaria there stood a young boy. He was of average height say 5ft 3. He wore the loin cloth over his mid section. and of course a large sword he had recently gotten from his father as a gift for his intiation into manhood. He had one more thing he had to do to become a man. That was to go out to Grey ghost hill, past the dark forest,through the valley of no return and of course the amazon village would need to be passed through as well. The reason for his going to grey ghost mountain was to find and steal one piece of gold from the seven headed beheameth known only as Bloodtooth because of the red stain on his teeth from past victims.
Now he had just woken up and headed for the dinner table where his mother and father now sat.
His father was the first to speak, "Son today is the day of your leaving. Have you made the provisions?" "Yes father I have." His mother now placed a plate of fried eggs and burned bread before him. "I know you can only take your sword and one days worth of food with you. But I thought you should have this" His father slid a large red pendant accross the table towads him now. Attached to it was a string. "It's a neclace. A magic neclace to keep you out of trouble. If your ever in danger just say help me and the neclace will destroy any enimies in your path. It may only be used once so use it wisely!" The boy only took it and tied the end before slipping it around his neck. "Thank you father. I will cherish this item" The father nodded and took a mouthfull of food "Be carefull my son"
Soon the barbarian boy finished his meal and walked out the door.
The cool morning air felt good on his face and the sky looked clear and blue. The three suns shown brightly over the land promising to make it all hotter later in the day. The boy decided to say good bye to his friends who had come by his house to meet him and bid him farewell.
"Later champ!" Said his good friend tom whom he had known for some time "Look out for gremlins!" The other two only laughed and patted him on the back. "I will see you all upon my return!" and that said he took up his bag and left town.
It would be several hours of walking before he reached the dark forest.
The canopy of trees and branches blocked out the bright sun light or the triple suns. The boy was glad for the shade but he also feared for his life as the manny creatures that roamed the woods could swallow a man whole.
He walked down the dirt path, his eyes roaming to and fro. Not seeing anything as of yet save for the occasional chip munk or bull frog he breathed a sigh of relief and kept walking. After manny hours he could see the exit and stopped to rest his tired legs. He opened his cloth which held his food inside and ate a small bit of cheese along with a large bottle of blood wine. His father had told him to drink much of it as it would put hair on his chest. The boy did so and packed up the meal. He did not want to eat all his provisions at once. He got up to leave but noticed his feet would not lift. Looking down it seemed he had been stick in a glue plant. The long gree vine slowly but surley was begining to curl up towards him. If he did not act fast he would be caught and digested. Pulling his sword free he hacked away at the plant making small dents in its tough outside. It continued to curl however threatening to devour him. Hacking again and again not much seemed to be going right and the vine was nearly to him. Thinking fast he threw his sword to the side and grabbed hold of the vine. Holding it back with all his might he started to push and moan. "Damn you demon plant! I will not be food for you!" His hands were stuck and the plant was begining to overpower him. "Arrge!" Bearing down on his body it forced him to his knees. He had to think quickly now and think he did. Pulling upwards he pulled at the plant making the dents he had made with his sword into tears. Soon the tears would expand making bigger tears. Before long he had torn the vine off and freed himself. Pulling at his feet he managed to get them free as well as his hands.
He exited the woods happy to be free of the deadly vines and dangerous animals.
His next trek was in the valley. Soft grass was below him and the clear blue sky was above him. A smile on his face the boy hiked through with no problems. The day was looking good so far. Soon night would come.
He noticed the triple suns begining to set and could see the village of the amazons in the distance. He found some amazons working in the fields. They looked to him and smiled. It was rare a man or a boy came through these parts. And it was always a treat to have one in the village. Other amazons raised sheep or cows. Nearing the gate he noticed the two amazon women. Their stares were straight and they did not look any other way. "What is your buissnes here?" one of them said. "I seek only shelter and the pleasure of your company" They thought for a minute before opening the gate "Proceed" The boy walked in now noticing shops and huts. All manner of women. Some tall some short. Thin and fat. All kinds. All women.
He noticed a large building which read "Inn" Entering the inn the boy walked up to the counter. "Yes?" said the clerk "I require a room for the night" The woman looked over a small piece of parchment "We have one room it costs eight gold coins" The boy handed over his coins and proceeded to one of the tables. "You can sit here" Said a young amazon woman. "I am called clara" The boy sat down now. "Good to meet you clara" They talked and ate thier fill of food. "So your on a mission of manhood?" clara asked. The boy looked her over briefly She had long blond hair which extended to her shoulders and baby blue eyes. Down further was her bust. A nice pair of full round breasts shown there coverd only by a thin layer of animal skin. "Yes I am on this mission to become like my father. A true man." He thought for a bit "Perhaps you would like to share my blood wine? In my room?" -To be continued
Feed back? Suggestions? Feel free to write! | |
|
| The brave barbarian
Posted: 6/29/2009 3:04:05 PM | What!? no feed back? OK well you came here for part two so here it is..
The young amazon girl blushed. She was'nt much older than the barbarian boy who was sixteen. Looking over to him she smiled and replied "Sure" He took her hand in his and led her to his room. Closing the door behind him He pulled the cork out of the bottle and took a long drink. He savored the taste of blood and wine. In his culture it was customary to mix the blood of your enemies with your wine as a way of remembering them and the battle.
He passed the bottle to her now and she to took a swig but insead of swallowing it she grabbed the boy and kissed him passionatley on the lips. Thier tounges danced in each others mouths as the wine flowed back and fourth adding to the expierience.
He was shocked at first but soon went with the kiss and touched her cheek savoring the wine and swallowing it bit by bit. He could taste her in his mouth now as she moved to remove his loin cloth slowly with her small delicate hands. He felt his raging****fling upward as the cloth freed his manhood. Breaking the kiss the girl stepped back and smiled.
She started by removing her own coverings starting with the breast covers. Slowly she pulled them off reavealing her perfect supple breasts which seemed to wait for the boy asking to be sucked. Next she disrobed her bottome and approached once more.
She stooped to her knees and took his****in her mouth. Going slowly at first but then quicker and quicker. He could feel her wet mouth envelop his shaft fully, her tounge twirling around his manhood and licking underneath to add to his pleasure.
The boy slowly placed his hand on the back of her head to stop her before he plunged his raging rod deep inter her mouth. There was a gag and then acceptance. He pulled back before plunging into her again this time not as deep. She could only sit and wait while he thrust his throbbing member into her mouth. Sometimes she had trouble breathing other times he would push against her cheek. Finnally he pulled out all but the head and blew a massive load right into her mouth. She stroked his large barbarian balls to prolong the rush for the boy. Her free hand rapidly stroked his****to get to any leftovers he may be holding back.
She pulled back swallowing all of his load. Savoring it she looked up to him and he handed her the bottle to wash down any more of his load.
"What shall we do now barbarian boy?" He regarded her coldly. "We sleep" That said the two climbed into the warm bed and slumbered. They woke up during the night to make passionate love before falling back asleep.
The suns rose the next day and the****rice song woke up the brave barbarian from his sleep. "Awake my dear it is time to depart" He shook her until she rolled over, her eyes fluttered open. "Your leaving already?" "Yes" She rolled over and went back to sleep and the boy walked out the door and out of the inn. His stay in the amozon village had gone well. He had slept and was now ready for the last leg of his journey. The stealing of the gold from the seven headed beheamoth.
It would be three more hours before he arrived at the entrance to the mountain. A noise could be heard coming from inside. Bravley the barbarian boy walked in his sword at the ready. There were manny plants growing here and there. Paying them no mind he walked further.
The tunnel opened up into a large room. It had mountains of gold and jewels. He thought about taking all he could carry but this was not about money this was about becoming a man. Walking up to the pile of gold he bent down and took a single coin. There was no sighn of the beast who was said to live in the cave. Thinking nothing of it the boy turned to go only to be struck with a large object. He flew several feet back to the way he had come in. Looking back he noticed the beast.
It was a large black dragon with a white under side. Its seven heads roared as the peered down at him. "Have you any last words boy?" The boy had none but drew his sword and got up to run at the beast in order to stab him. But no good the dragon breathed a mighty blast of flame which engulfed the boys body and sent him back. Now suffering from the burns he felt as though he would die here. "Foolish as you are I will make a fine dish from your flesh" The dragon trotted closer to the boy and moved to pick him up. Grabbing hold of what he thought was the grass. he was lifted up. What he pulled from the ground was not grass but the deadly root. A little face shown there and screamed an ear piericing scream. The dragon dropped the boy and wailed but the scream conitnued. Piercing the boys ears he thought he would die from the sound but his head was strong enough to take it. The dragon threw his heads to the roof of the cave and with a great sound all seven of his heads exploded sending guts evrewhere. The boy was coverd and the plant buried once more in dragon organs. The boy took his gold home to his father who told him he was a true man. "Why did the dragon die?" he asked. "It was the root" His father said. "No creature can stand its voice and live. You are lucky"
He went back to the amazon he had loved for a night and continued to date her for manny months.
THE END | |
|
| The brave barbarian
Posted: 6/29/2009 5:59:15 PM | | I'm sorry. I couldn't read it although it may be very good. I can't read that much text without paragraphs. That's my first suggestion. | |
|
| The brave barbarian
Posted: 6/29/2009 6:00:15 PM | | And don't start out with it was a bright and sunny day, it's the same as starting out with "it was a dark and stormy night." | |
|
| The brave barbarian
Posted: 6/29/2009 7:09:48 PM | OK.
I read the first post however you have too GRAB the reader within the first few paragraphs. For example: What? Where? Why? When?
Perhaps, and let me say I 'm not telling you how to write, but introduce the story as to why the boy has to go on a quest in the first place! Initiation into manhood? Explain why. Explain what. Explain when. Explain where. But not exactly, guide the reader as to what "could or might happen" and to why this could or might happen. Draw them in so they can't stop because they have to know what will happen.
Good Luck, write me back.
 | |
|
| The brave barbarian
Posted: 6/30/2009 3:37:29 AM | Ah OK I had not thought of that!
This bieng my first story I just made it up as I went along. So thanks. | |
|
| The brave barbarian
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:26:21 AM | Everyone has to start someplace.
Was the boy a prince or a pauper? Did he have a love interest that he was dealing with before his rites that may have conflicted with the ritual itself? What was the state of Barbaria, at war, peace? Was Barbaria a nice place to live and who created this ritual into manhood? These are things that could be used to draw your reader in.
Writing is not math, 2+2=4, we both would come to that conclusion, however if we both wrote about the same tree in a field we would also both be correct in spite of our words.
best of luck to you,
Randy
| |
|
| |
| The brave barbarian
Posted: 7/4/2009 3:43:32 PM | When Ben Frankin taught himself how to write,( in a way people would want to read), he did so by reading other peoples writing and taking it apart sentence by sentence and then reconstructing them. One of my favorite writers is David Gemmell, you might want to pick up one of his novels, or your favorite author, and just break down thier writing.
Just remember that a few well placed adjectives can really ad to the story.
{Jenffer starred down the mountains.} paints one picture.
{Jenffer starred from the shadows of grove down the mountains} paints another picture, and emotions
{Jenffer starred from the shadows of grove down the moon lit mountains upon the snow filled valleys}
Iv'e had more than one rum at this point, but I hope you see the differnce of the three examples and how they may set the scene.
If she is in the shadows of the grove, it paints the emotion of hiding.
Moon lit gives you the time of the day while snow paints the time of the year. Most people have a very vivid imagination so you need not set the entire scene, just give the important info and let the readers mind work for you.
Set your writing aside for a few weeks to a month, write something inbetween. Then come back with a fresh view.
Great luck | |
|
Home
login 
