| Do Men in their 40's Want a relationship, YES A RELATIONSHIP ? A real One !!!
Posted: 6/28/2009 10:44:03 PM | Ok firstly I want to point out that this is not a “woe is me” thread…this is a genuine observation of which I do hope to get a lot of response from our male posters out there and also some great feedback from our lady posters as well…but in order to do so, I must share my own experience.
After almost 18 months of mourning my last relationship (read weeping, wailing, rocking backwards and forwards and making voodoo dolls of HIM,,, oh yeah I’m not bitter, ) with great reluctance and also because I got a good ass kicking by my bestie…I have re-entered the world of dating……..now I’ve had a profile on this site for quite a while, I hoped to have met someone but alas that has not happened…..and in all honesty, I have given up on ever being messaged by someone DECENT…(having said that my g/f just got engaged to her b/f and they met on here so there is always that small smidgen of hope !!!)
On this site I seem to attract 30 and under – I must have that Cougar glint in my eye, or men over 60 who are obviously looking for a nurse, or guys who um ah like um er MARRIED/ATTACHED…..guys do you really think we want to go down that path strewn with broken hearts and promises ???…no sorry, some of us would just like to meet someone nice and maybe build on that …………….ANYWAY
So I ve started dating……I’ve met real men in real life in like real places..I have met men via the internet and thru friends and work ..so my options are open…I’ve yet to met any man doing any of the classes that all the single/lonely hearts psychologists recommend…and I do really want my new guy to salsa better than me ??………………ANYWAY
So I’ve done the “lets meet for drinks” thing..Nope not coffee, I don’t drink it…and I figure I do need a stiff drink to get me thru some of these dates, plus I work and only around at nites, …………….. ….. ANYWAY
Now I want to point out..I’ve actually haven’t had a bad date….all these men have been quite lovely…smart, intelligent, witty, (smell nice) interesting jobs, fascinating stories to tell, so I can honestly say I’ve enjoyed myself and I believe the nite has been reasonably successful and yes I’ve gone to like fourth base with 2 of them- yes home runs have been hit..But I’m a big girl and if I wish to sleep with someone after a first date I can and will (damn those hormones) and I’ve not been sorry…….ANYWAY
But this is what I have noticed………………..the story is all the same…………I’ve been dating guys in my age bracket……in their 40’s and even before we meet and then “ITS” reiterated at the ‘MEET”, that they are not interested in a relationship – unless SOMETHING happens (not sure what that “SOMETIHING ” is. Is it like a world wide warning that a gigantic meteor is on its way to Earth to like wipe us out and therefore we must have a “relationship” , is it like the Biggest Meanest Tsunami ever ????) ..Im not sure what this SOMETHING is….it is yet to be defined…………….but apparently that SOMETHING is not happening to men in their 40’s…so they reiterate that they aren’t after ANY relationship, they just want fun, casual sex etc etc etc….in other words…a bootey call, a Friend with Benefits etc unless SOMETHING happens (whatever that is..)
Ok that’s fine………………..their prerogative….as you chat to these men over endless glasses of bourbon..(an expensive issue when you live in Perth – 9 bucks for bourbon over here) ….these men will tell you about their lives, which includes how much he hates the ex whose ripped him off in the divorce settlement, how pissed he is with CSA agency, how the new blokes in the exes life is a tosser…..etc etc etc
I sit there nodding my head in all appropriate places and then subtly or bluntly as the evening wears on I will be hit upon for sex…………..and yes to a degree it is flattering or is it? I then have like ooo’d and aaahged for like 34 nano seconds to decide if I’m “up for it” or not…ok twice I was…I’m human ok !!! and the rejection of these men, well there is a whole other thread in that but …ANYWAY
Now I tell this story not for sympathy but so you get a feel for what my observation is…am I the only one who is noticing this ?
I’m 44, been married, widowed and no kids. I’m financially secure, I have a career and I’m not bad on the eye, can string more than like 18 words together …so not a total looser!!! (am today in dressed in like trackies and looking like I could give Amy Winehouse a run)
I reckon – my observation - that guys in their 40s are reverting back to when they were in their 20’s and trying to get laid as many times as possible – their last Hurrah before prostate cancer kicks in….to prove something to themselves and their exes (like she gives a toss)….no man APPEARS to really want a relationship (yeah I know I had to look it up in the dictionary too to remind myself what one was too) …they basically just want a Fcuk buddy !! which is fine………….but I ask you then what hope for us girls ? Do we like just not “date” for like another 6 years or so and then hold our breathe cause the guy that we liked NOW wants a RELATIONSHIP ?
Guys in their 30’s well I’m not going there…and guys in their 50’s – getting in to their 60’s they appear to want a relationship but its gonna involve a woman in their 40’s more than likely nursing them as the years go on (statically speaking guys….you are far more likely to get sick at these ages, than we are) so these guys in their age range appear quite happy to commit (read – stay over on a Sat nite) than their counterparts in their 40’s
Am I being jaded and cynical ?……………………..could it just be I’m meeting all the wrong guys alas…..their common denominator (apart from me) is that there in their 40’s, but I’ve “dated” from all social backgrounds and different careers etc…..or I am more than happy to admit……that indeed it could just be me (however real life besties and women in the same age brackets assure me its not) …ANYWAY
So I’m not asking for comments on my own experience….I wrote that so you could understand why I now pose this question.
Do Men in their 40’s REALLY want a RELATIONSHIP? …..you know…a RELATIONSHIP ?
Or do you just want to play tiddly winks for a couple of years and then we can like check back with them when their like 55 and we can take it from there ? and yes guys out there, I know it’s a broad question and I’m sure not ALL of you think like that…however where is that one, that doesn’t ?
Please posters ..be grateful if you address the actual question……………..I’m already facing self esteem issues….don’t need you to reinforce that there is no hope for me…..I already know this as I chose to stay home last Sat nite and watch a MJ special rather than face another nite/ followed by a Sunday of “will he, wont he call/sms/email me?”
Cheers
Pookie | |
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| Do Men in their 40's Want a relationship, YES A RELATIONSHIP ? A real One !!!
Posted: 6/28/2009 11:02:43 PM | Doesn't it come back to whether we're really in the head space to move on from the last relationship? Men and women both?
I know myself that its taking me forever to work out what I want. I've read enough forum posts over the last couple of years to see that there are lots of people that are still in the middle of the process of moving on from the last relationship. So they're lonely and looking but still scared and hurt.
There are also many people that seem to appear on the forums for a short time, with clear goals and presumably clear heads, and find a partner in no time.
That cosmic 'Something'? I think its a sense of connection they're looking for. In some cases it might be a spark of recognition if you have some of the characteristics of their last love.
I haven't got any opinion on the age thing. I can't see that it matters whether you're 40 or whatever, although someone else might have more experience and insight. | |
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| Do Men in their 40's Want a relationship, YES A RELATIONSHIP ? A real One !!!
Posted: 6/29/2009 2:06:42 AM | I spent my late 30's/ early 40's establishing a house to live in up the coast here..... my girlfriend at the time who was working in Bris... broke it off around that time as she wanted to stay on her career path in the city... not interested in the nest?...
so I got on with life.. spent the next 10+ yrs being sociable in the community , had jobs and good wide circle of friends,etc.... a solid relationship would have been good to forge during my 40's... have a few kids even,,,, sigh..
I found a lot of "sisters" that are still my friends.... one consolation I suppose....
I've often asked myself what are women looking for?.... | |
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| Do Men in their 40's Want a relationship, YES A RELATIONSHIP ? A real One !!!
Posted: 6/29/2009 2:30:36 AM | What I've noticed is that men around my age bracket - say 40 to 50 are in the mindset that they don't really want long term, but a girlfriend for good times - company, sex, someone to talk to but without real committment.
I guess it's the ones who were in a marriage, their kids are grown, so now they find themselves free and don't want the ties that they had when married.
I can understand in a way.
Just keep fishing I suppose. | |
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| Do Men in their 40's Want a relationship, YES A RELATIONSHIP ? A real One !!!
Posted: 6/29/2009 3:11:48 AM | Well I don't think I can contribute to this thread,
according to 'pookums' the OP My age group is
at deaths door. Not that I'm looking for a woman in
her forties, I couldn't Imagine one of my daughters
calling someone around their age 'Mum'.
So back back to the strip poker here at the old folks
home. 'How come these old shielas keep gettin 5 aces'?
'Nurse! Nurse! I need a pan! Damn whipper snipper
nurses.........Nurse!!
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| Do Men in their 40's Want a relationship, YES A RELATIONSHIP ? A real One !!!
Posted: 6/29/2009 3:22:41 AM | Crist Pookie...you have entirerly too much going though your mind. Sorry mate,reading your post i can see how frustrating it must be for you.
Unfortunatly,i'm not going to be much help to you.
No...i don't want a relationship at this point in my life.Now i could go on a poor me spiel...i don't want to...even though it could appear that way.
I wont try and give you reasons about what other 40's men are thinking,i'll leave that for them.For me,its a confidence thing.My confidence is down at the moment and i've heard women say"they like a confident man"...not me.As far as the "tiddly winks",no i'm not looking for that.As far as looking for a nurse,well i need that now. There's only so much extreme sports you can do in your 20's before it comes back to haunt you in your 40's.
When i used to date,what struck me about a lot of the women i dated,was,they seemed to be judging you on if you were relationship material on the first meet.I'm more of a kick back,enjoy the company and let a relationship if any develop naturally without preconcieved ideas of if"there the one".
So my apologies Pookie,i said i wont be much help to you and i wasn't.For me as i've said,i don't want a relationship cos of a confidence issue with myself and i wont burden a woman with these issues till i sort them out for myself first.If that means i spend the rest of my life alone...so be it.I suppose confidence could be the issue with a lot of men,the way they handle it will vary greatly i suppose.
Pookie,your a beautifull woman,i'm sure there's a man out there who will be a man and want a relationship.So keep your self esteme up,from what you wrote it appears its the men who have the esteme issues and not you. | |
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| Do Men in their 40's Want a relationship, YES A RELATIONSHIP ? A real One !!!
Posted: 6/29/2009 3:57:30 AM | Oh Bucky...yet again another beautiful and very honest , very honest post and thankyou for your compliments...(Iwasnt seeking any..and I really do look like a Amy Winehouse impersonator this evening) but by you posting you have given me (and hopefully others ) another insight into "What in the hell is going on with you blokes"...chapter 19.......
Nah Im a tosser....accept now that I probably wont have a 'RELATIONSHIP' now till Im in my late 50s' menopausal and all my sexual peak energy will have looooong gone !!!
Yeah too much does go on in this messy bedhair head of mine !!!
as Stated below by Beach Chippy
do we do it too ?..do we figure out in the first 30 seconds whether we will bonk you or not....not me Im at least 4 bourbons and three hours into the conversation before I consider it...oh and hormones play a bit of part too....hey Im at my sexual peak rite now !!!
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| Do Men in their 40's Want a relationship, YES A RELATIONSHIP ? A real One !!!
Posted: 6/29/2009 3:58:29 AM | I've always had the feeling that girls work out in the first 30 secs/few minutes whether they might choose to "bonk" you at some later point or not ....
if you don't "pass" you become "friend" status.... to see how that goes....
no matter how much you wish otherwise, most times.......
then you have to choose whether they are indeed friend material.... through further actions and deeds etc.... which isn't a short term thing... there has to be mutual attraction there, eh?
when you already have a lot of friends .. though seeking a partner... where do you fit these "new" friends into your life?....
it might be interesting if they are trying to line you up with their girlfriends.... as a friend might.... ... and not just want to hang out with you or suss out your male friends....... enjoy your space... but are not interested in your love, etc...
I'm getting used to it.... it's more likely my female friends that turn up unannounced, late, with a bottle for a catch up.... or early.. bearing a bacon and egg sanga .... mmmmmmmm... take aways for breaky in the country...mmmmmmmm
got to love your "sistas"... bearing gifts..... and never try to break the bubble their in..... | |
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| Do Men in their 40's Want a relationship, YES A RELATIONSHIP ? A real One !!!
Posted: 6/29/2009 3:41:56 PM | | I do think that men arond and about this age are somewhat puzzled because the gels aren't jumping when they should be and laugh at things they don't themselves find funny . As I'm only here for the forums , it isn't a major concern , however I do watch with pity for you Pookie and others . BUT , never give up is also a maxim I live by ! | |
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| Do Men in their 40's Want a relationship, YES A RELATIONSHIP ? A real One !!!
Posted: 6/29/2009 5:54:24 PM | I actually think we all want a relationship at the end of the day. Some of us are not prepared to settle for just anyone who happens our way or can not be bothered to actively pursue a relationship.But I think if the right person, who totally knocked our socks off and blew us away came stumbling into our lives, none of us would turn them away and claim we didnt want a relationship.
I actually think its some kind of code for "Dont get your hopes up about me cos unless you are the one im not interested". | |
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| Do Men in their 40's Want a relationship, YES A RELATIONSHIP ? A real One !!!
Posted: 6/29/2009 6:55:10 PM | Aside from joining Grey at the card table , I think (sometimes) to find the "one" you can't be looking . Here and other dating sites are just catalog shopping for a partner. If the stars
are in perfect alignment and the wind blowing the right way at high tide, the right catch just might flounder at your doorstep. Till then ya gotta keep trolling thru the sea weed and avoid the crab and sharks till your angel fish is hooked.
dustin | |
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| Do Men in their 40's Want a relationship, YES A RELATIONSHIP ? A real One !!!
Posted: 6/29/2009 8:07:55 PM | You are right dustin2009, I found my love when I wasn't looking for anyone.... she made some effort to contact me so I felt obliged to return the favour, called her and the rest is history.
What I do find amusing is how she would tell me how other girls consider me to be good looking, but when I was single I struggled on every aspect.... amusing to reflect on that. | |
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| Do Men in their 40's Want a relationship, YES A RELATIONSHIP ? A real One !!!
Posted: 6/30/2009 12:24:30 AM |
OK.. so *slap me....
who is "that" Steve Harvey..... should I know?... have I missed something?...
did he do something..?...
best be slapping me too cause I've never heard oh him either....
I had lots of thoughts on this thread when I read the OP's first paragraph but, then as I read through the next one and the next one and the next one............... I figured you covered all of my thoughts and any additional ones that I may have had .
IMO Yes, I believe they want a relationship but, some aren't as ready as they would like to be and I think sometimes it takes a date or two before they figure this out. If nothing else dating has helped me to finely tune my listening skills... I'm sure I have "Dear Dorothy" tattooed on my forehead. Some guys just want to talk and talk and talk about any thing and everything pertaining to their ex .... others just want to have "fun", no commitment and will probably continue to look for (and enjoy) this until they enter the pearly gates of Jurassic Park. And of course there are those who are searching for the real deal, commitment and all.... just gotta find the right one :-)
As for the "until something happens" question ... I have no idea...When you prove to me that you are a good cook? When you fall pregnant? Until something better comes along ... If you ever hear it again be sure to ask what they mean because, I am curious.........
Found this in another POF thread......
Relationships rarely exceed beyond ones expectations and commitment
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| Do Men in their 40's Want a relationship, YES A RELATIONSHIP ? A real One !!!
Posted: 6/30/2009 3:20:12 AM | Good for you Pookie at least you managed to get an itch scratched a couple of times, I have to scratch my own
Im in the "age" group and hadnt really given it a lot of thought . Would I like a relationship?? I guess, do I feel the need to get serious and tie the knot again???
Mmmm not so much. Happy as is, dont need to be fulfilled by being with some one. A girl friend would be fine, and one that has her own place all the better
Kinda of used to living alone so if it aint broke then dont fix it.
Like anything in life things change and I guess this will one day. Untill then, will just hang out and have fun and try to be nice to the people I meet. | |
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| Do Men in their 40's Want a relationship, YES A RELATIONSHIP ? A real One !!!
Posted: 6/30/2009 6:54:08 AM | Steve Harvey, the host of the nationally syndicated Steve Harvey Morning Show, can't count the number of impressive women he's met over the years, whether it's through the "Strawberry Letters" segment of his program or while on tour for his comedy shows.
some joker from the states? perhaps altered states............ | |
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| Do Men in their 40's Want a relationship, YES A RELATIONSHIP ? A real One !!!
Posted: 6/30/2009 7:06:27 AM | from the look of most of the profiles of 40ish women on this site they are all looking for handsom, tall, latin dancers with a big 4wd that needs a woman that "loves" fishin n campin?????????? but also loves to cuddle on the couch between mountain climbing and crampons, when not cafe crawling they may like the odd whine while staring off into the sunset ......
i love commitment, since splitting with my ex 3 yrs ago inve had one 18 month relationship and it was great........
yes this site would be deemed a visual shopping zone, perhaps you should go and shag a few 30ish guys? chance would be a fine thing to meet some 30ish women... | |
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