| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 6/29/2009 12:52:52 AM | I used to be overweight myself and I came across this post on another website. A lot of it hit home with me and I believe it answers questions why some guys don't date bbw and shows why being put in the friends zone isn't always bad. I just thought i'd share it.
Over the past few years I have noticed a pattern. I'll met a guy, he'll be smart and funny and cute and just a great guy all around. Then it happens I get the "I just want to be friends." Without fail this happens every time I'm truly interested in someone. One day I met a guy. He was pretty close to the ideal guy to me. We had so much in common. We even went on a few dates and we were hitting it off really well. Then it happened. One day we were texting each other and I got the text. "I don't see us as being more than friends." This time getting told I just want to be friends hit me a little harder because I didn't see it coming. I thought things were going so well. Thankfully before our dates we had realised that we did like each other as friends and decided that if things didn't work out in the romance department we would still hang out and talk. So we kept talking and after a month it was still bothering me. Obviously we get along so whats stopping that "click" on his part? Finally one day I just asked him, why wasn't I good enough for him? I want to say his answer was a surprise but deep down inside it wasn't. He's 27, works out 5 days a week, can bench press well over 300lbs and takes care of himself. I am 27, 5 ft 2 and I weigh 230lbs. Not exactly a match for him in terms of lifestyle. I haven't even been in the parking lot of a gym in at least 2 years.
Looking back on it now I'm shocked I even got one date with him. This was like a brick to the face for me. My weight has always been a little nag in the back of my mind. Usually I just ignore it and hit the drive thru because I'm too lazy to cook or tell myself that someone will want to be with me even if I am fat and will love me for me. Its all bull. If I am really truly honest with myself I know that my weight has kept me from getting the things I want. Its hurt me when it came to work, as a parent, in my health and its hurt me in relationships. I have made the decision that enough is enough.
I have my ten year reunion next year and I want to go there and weigh less than I did in school. I want to be able to chase after my son on the playground and let him play for as long as he wants and not decide to go home because I'm tired. I want to met a guy and get along great with him and not have my weight be the one reason he doesn't want to be with me. Most importantly I want to be healthy and happy.
I have set a goal for myself that by this time next year I will have lost 100lbs or more. I know I can do this and there isn't anything or anyone in the world stopping me except for me. Lucky for me in my quest to become a better me I have the support and help of a really good friend who was honest with me even when he knew it would hurt. He has helped me realise that there really are nice honest guys out there. The secret to getting them is you have to be honest with yourself and realistic in your expectations in order for things to work out for the best. | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 6/29/2009 1:21:14 AM | If your weight is a barrier, being friends with guys is better for now. Develop the bond without romantic pressure. In the meantime, work on losing the weight (I'm practicing what I am preaching, btw).
If you're cheery in spite of your shape, your bubbly energy will distract people from focusing on the weight, tho' meanwhile you're dealing with it.
Tip: it's so much easier to lose the pounds when you concentrate on something that makes you happy. This can be volunteer work, or an artistic outlet .. whatever lights your eyes. Somebody special will notice the sparkle inside you, and the weight will just not be as crippling.
Getting back to the difficulty about it, that to me says maybe a relationship is the wrong thing to pursue, because it too often represents what seems like a fantasy; a soothing escape. | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 6/29/2009 3:06:54 AM | Your weight should have been a lot more than a little nag in the back of your mind. Often there is a food addiction. It becomes a habit to make ourselves feel good by eating junk. Exercise is only 20% of the equation. I have gone to the gym six days a week for over a year and not lost a pound until I started watching every bite.
Exercise is the easy fun part. Its limiting what you are eating that works.
I recommend weight watchers, and hypnosis to break the junk food addiction, along with a high protein diet to control the cravings and hunger. | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 6/29/2009 7:41:00 AM |
I am 27, 5 ft 2 and I weigh 230lbs.
Your profile says you are "Athletic"
I wonder... are you lying on your profile? ... or is this post for real? This post just smells a little fishy to me 
I have the support and help of a really good friend who was honest with me
Great! You have a friend who is honest with you. Now it's time for you to start being honest with yourself. You can start by telling the truth on your profile.
I work out daily, I CAN lift the weights. I am not going to put anything other than what my body type is on my profile. I can't wait for the day I CAN put "athletic"... it's just not going to be today.
Usually I just ignore it and hit the drive thru because I'm too lazy to cook or tell myself that someone will want to be with me even if I am fat and will love me for me. Its all bull. If I am really truly honest with myself I know that my weight has kept me from getting the things I want.
This is why I think your post may be a little bs itself. You are quoting things I read fat bashers say all the time. The "hit the drive thru because you are too lazy to cook" and the "weight stopping you from the things you want".
However, on the off chance you are being honest in your post....
You did not "ignore" what this man said. You used it as an excuse to go to the "drive thru". If you ignored what he said, you would have had no need to self medicate. No need to suppress the hurt.
Your weight never stopped you from anything. YOU stopped yourself. There are thousands of fat women in the world living a happy productive life. Even before I started losing my weight, I never let it stop me from life. And not that I am losing it... life IS different... but getting into the gym has shown me a whole other world to life that I never thought I'd enjoy. It's like a whole new parallel universe I have discovered. One that LOTS of large people live without just fine. But to me, this whole life of working out, lifting weights, caring about what I eat.... it was awesome to me. Now I look at the other life I lived in and wonder why I thought that was okay for me. If they are happy that way, more power to them. If you are happy being fat... more power to you. If you are not... get off this forum and get into that gym.
Ask your friend if he will train you?
Finally one day I just asked him, why wasn't I good enough for him? .... Not exactly a match for him in terms of lifestyle. I haven't even been in the parking lot of a gym in at least 2 years.
Soooo..... He never replied by saying you weren't good enough for him? Did he say the words "You are not good enough for me because you are too fat?"
You live two different lifestyles. That's part of the parallel universe I am talking about. It's not that you are not good enough for him.... it's that you are not on the same planet as him... and therefor.... brace yourself.... not his type.
You WANT to be his type? Change planets. Park in that lot and walk into the gym!
Again, ask your friend if he will train you. Help you learn what to eat, how to work out that is best for fat burning. If he can't help you there, ask him to guide you to someone who can.
But before you do any of that, again, be honest with yourself, and everyone on POF, and change your profile to reflect the truth! | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 6/29/2009 8:29:11 AM | It's funny, but I think one of the leading causes of obesity is sitting in most people's kitchens... the microwave ...
Seriously, when we didn't have microwaves we actually put effort into making meals, ate less and cooked less often... a piece of fruit or a sandwich made do until the next mealtime...
Now people toss stuff in the microwave on a whim... and most of the microwaveable food is not good for you... plus it's expensive... | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 6/29/2009 9:09:11 AM | Speaking of someone who has always been big. I noticed something from my recent weight loss of 70lbs; so far. Its not just the weight loss that is the issue it is the mind. It is how you feel about yourself. That includes working out (however you chose), eating right, accepting yourself now and realizing how you can change your life, as well as loving yourself.
The one thing I have noticed even though I'm still a bigger woman, that I am attracting men that I would not have at the same weight years ago. I believe for me its my mind that has changed and my confidence.
Just my 2 cents. | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 6/29/2009 10:05:44 AM |
I wonder... are you lying on your profile? ... or is this post for real?
Did you read the first sentence?
I used to be overweight myself and I came across this post on another website.
It's not about her, it's a paste of what someone else said elsewhere. She was just able to relate because she was once overweight. | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 6/29/2009 10:20:41 AM |
Did you read the first sentence?
That's just it. The first sentence in combination with the line I quoted
Usually I just ignore it and hit the drive thru because I'm too lazy to cook or tell myself that someone will want to be with me even if I am fat and will love me for me. Its all bull. If I am really truly honest with myself I know that my weight has kept me from getting the things I want.
Also the line "I asked why I am not good enough for him".
Just makes me wonder if it IS a story about someone else or something someone who's never been overweight made up thinking it will be helpful those who are.
These just aren't things I hear a lot of fat people say.
I hear them say "The drive thru helped me forget he wasn't into me". Or blame a million things other than their weight for getting in the way of what they want.
Not sure... just seemed odd.
I could be wrong. I would like to be wrong. | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 6/29/2009 10:27:13 AM | | I see what you're saying now. Maybe I'm naive, but I think the paste was originally written by someone overweight, but since that person lost the weight they are able to be more honest with themselves about what their problem used to be. It's a lot harder to admit to a current problem than a former one. | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 6/29/2009 1:22:55 PM | This post isn't about me, I found it when I was looking thru some friends blogs and thought i'd share it. I can totally relate to it because my weight problem I USED to have was because of me, not because i was mad at some guy and had to eat. I USED to be one of those girls who never really admited they were big. I do have an great build now, but I also go to the gym 5 days a week and bust my ass to keep it that way. This wasn't always the case for me. I'm not lying in my profile because the post isn't about me.
There are a lot of people on here wanting to know why guys don't like big girls and people who just assume that a guy wanting to be just friends is a bad thing. Things in life tend to work out out the way they should, not the way you want them to.
I know the girl who wrote this, and she just recently had her wake up call and has stopped dating to focus on herself, which is something I think some of the women on here would benefit from. | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 6/29/2009 1:42:13 PM |
These just aren't things I hear a lot of fat people say.
I hear them say "The drive thru helped me forget he wasn't into me". Or blame a million things other than their weight for getting in the way of what they want.
This is why I wanted to put this out there. Too many people blame other things. They'll blame McDonalds because they put an ad on tv that just made them have to have that 1000 calorie burger. Or they'll blame thier parents because they didn't get hugged enough when they were a child and food was their only friend. Yes things happen in life but causing one problem to deal with another is never the right thing to do and gaining 100 lbs or hanging on to it isn't going to help anyone with any problem they have. They need to make changed to make life happen the way they want it to and very often the changes need to start with the person who wants them.
In reality a lot of times, not always but many times, a person who is over weight has to deal with barriers that wouldn't be there if they weren't over weight. I personally have gotten passed over for a promotion that I was very qualifed for because I didnt set a good example. I can't tell someone that they need to work hard and set goals and be the best that they can be then go by and pick up a burger on my way home and sit in front of the couch and watch tv all night while my ass got larger. It took someone pointing this out to me to make me realise that I really was too big and it wasn't good for me or for those I try to lead by example. That is another way I related to the person who wrote this. | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 6/29/2009 2:12:06 PM |
she just recently had her wake up call and has stopped dating to focus on herself, which is something I think some of the women on here would benefit from.
But women aren't the only overweight people looking to date on this site.
very often the changes need to start with the person who wants them.
Exactly... but no matter how many "fat people need help" threads that are posted on here... they will not help anyone change... unless that person is ready and open TO change. Lots of them don't even WANT to change. Until they do want to change ... this is just another thread telling fat people they are undatable.
P.S. There is a weight loss support thread going on in the Health and Wellness forum that several of us who ARE changing things find inspiring. | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 6/29/2009 2:27:57 PM | Even women and men who aren't overweight would benefit from talking a good look at themselves when they want others to look at them also.
I'm not saying fat people are undatable, if your fat and happy then thats great. Whatever makes you happy. But if your on here wondering why no one wants to date an overweight person (which is what so many of the bbw post on here are about) then its time to step back, put yourself in someone elses shoes and look at it from another perspective. It doesnt mean that you won't get a date if your are big. It just means that maybe you're not seeing things from all the sides you need to see them from.
It takes different things to make people get inspired. People can be inspired to put themselves first and make changes that are good for them without weight being involved. You have your thread on the health and wellness forum, good for you. Others may want or need something else to inspire them. It may be a fourm on here or a friend at the gym or it just may be someone or something unexpected and out of place. | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 6/29/2009 3:23:51 PM | | POSTERS...the OP posted what she found on another site. It is not about her. VERY first sentence. READ IT> She is not saying heavy people are not dateable, I think what she is saying, is that maybe some people do not really think it is an issue when in fact it may be! OP, congrats on your weight loss. Maybe some people can read this and take it for how you meant to have it read. It probably is a more real issue these days that people do not find as a real problem. And yes OP you are right, people have more excuses for it than I think I even care to repeat. Weight and fat loss requires dicipline, commitment, dedication and education. Blame seems to be a popular things these days. Most gym memberships are cheaper than a one or two day binge on crap people eat. Most gyms offer child care. Some gyms are open 24 hours. Doctors and the internet offer FREE nutritional advice. It is all about what people really want to do. bottom line. Bash me for it any of you who want to, but you know I am right. | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 6/29/2009 4:13:37 PM | | If anyone wants to lose weight, stop making excuses and just do it. There are excuses for everything. People need to get right with themselves and not let another day go by. | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 6/29/2009 5:05:56 PM | | Weight has nothing to do with dating. The real root is what you are seeking to attract. And honestly if you dont like yourself then no one else will. | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 6/30/2009 11:32:09 AM | ........................................................................... Huge shock...... many people, especially people who take pride in their appearance, don't find over weight people attractive...... I'm speechless....
I'm not really into the anorexic look even though I've dated a few, , but the other extreme isn't exactly attractive either. A healthy woman with a little meat to her is what does it. I have over weight friends who happen to be girls, but when it comes down to it I do not find overweight attractive. I exercise while they do not. I do not ever eat while they do. And frankly I'm tired of the term BBW. Simply because you're big doesn't make you beautiful. And no I'm not being a prick.... are fat guys going to come up with a term to assume that they're attractive simply because they're men? How long would that last before women ripped that apart? | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 7/2/2009 7:18:42 AM | | Dude what you said is not true. I work out, I do not over eat (anymore), and working on myself. So don't assume that everyone overweight is in your classification. You shouldn't assume. | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 7/2/2009 10:50:55 AM |
If anyone wants to lose weight, stop making excuses and just do it
I think a lot of the problem is that people just have troube grasping the amount of time it takes to lose weight (and keep it off).... so they go for fad diets that don't work, excercise equipment that appears on late night informercials... sign up for Gyms on January 2nd, and give it up by Feb 2nd because they only lost 1 pound...
When I decided to drop a few pounds, I started walking everywhere...(saved a fortune in Gas!) I cut my meals in half... I dropped bar foods... and fast-food restaurants....I don't do junk food. I also allowed myself 2 years to do it. I actually lost more than I planned... People unrealistically expect a lifetime of overeating to go away in 30 days.... it's not happening... | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 7/2/2009 11:46:43 AM |
are fat guys going to come up with a term to assume that they're attractive simply because they're men? How long would that last before women ripped that apart?
They already have one. It's called Big Handsome Men (BHM). | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 7/2/2009 1:06:15 PM |
If you're cheery in spite of your shape, your bubbly energy will distract people from focusing on the weight, tho' meanwhile you're dealing with it.
ummm... there are limits to that. | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 7/2/2009 1:58:12 PM | It is not just women but men that are over weight also having problems dating. I have a male friend that weighs about 300lbs and he has many women friends but nothing serious. I think the world of him and have told him and he is my best friend but I have no love interest in him, never did. We have known each other since high school over 30 years ago. I am also over weight and have lost 50lbs and still need to lose more and
I hope if or when I lose weight I am not so vain as to judge people by how much they weigh like a lot of people do on dating sites. I would hope I would consider their personality and how well we got along together. | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 7/2/2009 10:16:35 PM | I am a BBW, and always will be. I exersize and eat really well, have lost over 100lbs. Ive spent my whole youth hearing ud b so pretty if u wern't so fat. I'm all grown up now, don't have to buy into that BS anymore. I am fit and active, and I am beautiful just the way I am inside and out. I try to post an honest pic of myself because I understand that physical attraction is as important as emotional connection. But am I regulated to dating the guy who doesn't leave his couch becuase of my size. Haven't I earned the "curvy" tag instead of BBW through all my hard work. Really just lookin for the guy who gets and loves me inside and out,,, Dont know what ur missin, lol  | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 7/2/2009 10:58:44 PM | As a man who has been overweight for quite a number of years I wonder how many people have considered gastric bypass surgery or the "lap band"? This option, which only a few years ago was considered "last resort" can now, in many cases, be performed laporoscopically (spelling ?) and only requires a one or two day hospital stay. Additionally, many insurance plans cover it.
Not to suggest that this is a "cure all" for everyone but it might be a viable option for many. | |
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| dating, bbw and the friends zone.
Posted: 7/2/2009 11:18:47 PM | whenwillthiswork26 I find that simply amazing. There are several cardio routines where you can eat whatever you like, and still lose weight. Most folks doing exercise alone don't push themselves enough to make a difference, or their progress is so slow they give up before reaching their ideal weight.
Everyone loses weight when they use a personal trainer, because she/he has an incentive, their pay and another satisfied customer to share word-of-mouth advertising to garner business.
They are trained to push you to your limit, each and every time, which exponentially reduces the time it takes to lose those 40 to 50 llbs. Most importantly they will also help to improve your self esteem, as they are always using some form of NLP technigues to help their clients. Never could understand why more people don't use a trainer. | |
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