| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 6/30/2009 7:47:27 PM | So many people talk about finding Mr. or Ms. Right and they will not "settle" until they find that person. Others speak about acceptance and working with what you have in order to make things work.
My question relates to two opposing schools of thought about relationships. For those who won't "settle" and for those who love the one they're with, how much actual staying power to you have to work things out in a relationship when certain red flags alert you to pay attention to what needs to be worked out.
Do you have staying power?
Which begs the inevitable question: When do you know it's time to go? | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 6/30/2009 7:54:16 PM | Staying power is cool, but there are things that definitely can't be worked out.
Like if she cuts off all her hair with a knife. Then throws out all the lampshades and puts in those clear lightbulbs.
Definitely time to bail...
If she buys some horrid little Boston Terrier and never bothers to house train it.
Time to bail... | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 6/30/2009 7:55:37 PM | Good question!
There are things that can be worked out or worked on and then there's incompatability.
Sometimes it's a finer line between what many call compromise or meeting halfway and doing something that goes against your nature.
I know that for me, personally, I don't get along with needy, clingy men or controlling, jealous men. Once I sense that someone is like that, it's the beginning of the end for me. This has always happened subtly over time, no man I've ever dated exhibited those characteristics or tendencies until after we were involved. That's something for me that can't be worked out or worked on because it's what or how they are. Also, I don't expect, demand or even want someone to try to change themselves for me.
I've never broken up with someone suddenly or on a whim. It's always been after the situation has been mentioned and discussed, it's something they're aware of. Not always something that can be any different, however. I've also never broken up with anyone that has been surprised, rather sadly resolved and I'm firm about it. I've never tried again with anyone a break up for me it always final. | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 6/30/2009 7:58:20 PM | At my age, if I chose to commit to someone it is not to waste my time. I feel I have less staying power as time goes by, having invested years and tears in the wrong people. I used to see these red flags and think to myself "am I seeing what I think I am seeing?" only to have the person confirm what I was thinking all along.
Now, if I see something that isn't right, I say what I feel and leave. No need to hang around for the person do it a second time. I have learned that not wearing my heart on my sleeve is working better than ****ing about something until I am blue in the face and my SO is claiming that I am too sensitive which for them later turns out to be psychotic as time goes by. Acceptance for me means enabling. If the issue wasn't there when you met, why would anyone put up with it after they have invested emotions and care later on? | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 6/30/2009 7:59:31 PM | I thought this thread would be about sex ha ha.
Sorry everbody. Ignore me as I back shamefully out of this thread. | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:01:20 PM | I think you can use the sinking ship analogy. It is admirable to stay with the ship but at some point, if you don't let go, you're gonna drown.
I had a friend who called me intermittently during the first couple of years of her marriage specifically because she knew I would ask her whether the stuff that was driving her batshit was really issues or were they irritants that really weren't that big a deal juxtaposed against the good qualities about her husband.
When someone has things you cannot really live with, like a totally negative attitude about everything. Maybe they prove to be jealous and a managed to hide it until you were in pretty deep. Maybe they are a touchy feely person who shows a lot of affection and you are a person that needs a substantial amount of space. Maybe that time when he would spend more time at home instead of work never came. Maybe he or she stopped doing any of the chores and left you shouldering the entire load. These things can create a pretty miserable existence.
This is much different from he has a retarded way of doing this. Or, maybe he isn't great with the chores but is willing to run all of the errands. Perhaps the chore thing would be irritating but that is give and take like some other things that could change over time and wouldn't spell infinite misery. If a relationship is basically good, you love the person, like them most of the time, then working on whatever your stuff is is more intelligent than walking away from the relationship.
I think you balance how you feel now against how you will likely feel in the future. If your happiness is not over the moon, are there things that will level out so that you will be generally more happy without requiring the other person to change or to make huge accomodations? The square peg round hole thing is just stupid and I don't think it ever works, there will always be something new that you disagree about because your approach to life is nearly polar opposites. | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:06:25 PM | When any relationships becomes a burden rather then something that is good in your life.. it's time to go.
So many people stay in relationships way too long .. some as long as 20 years and if you talk to them they always say .. god I should have left her/ him years ago.
I know this from my own personal experience was in one myself for 17 years and for sure should have left many many years prior to that but you always think things will get better or a famous one " I wanted my kids to have both there parents" There are many reasons why people stay too long but the bottom line is you cant make anyone change or anyone do something they want to do.. we can only control ourself and what we willing to except or not.
At this point in my life my "staying power" has diminished once I see any " Red Flags" .. this chicka is out.. | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:15:42 PM | OP,
I have the staying power of an oyster, yet I have evolved to the point where I want complete clarity about a potential SO's: past relationships (i.e., do the 'get' why they didn't work); who they are as an individual; where they are at in their life in regard to 'timing'-are they just out of a relationship, etc. I could go on.
Once the big issues are faced up front, and the point is reached where you both decide to give it a try, I have complete staying power.
I personally never consider the term 'settling' in regard to a relationship. If two people really give it a go, and have the maturity to turn inwardly to each other when the times get tough, and to work through issues together, they will forge such a formidable bond that that bond alone will carry them through many a hardship. Once you commit to making a relationship work, accepting them for who they are is key.
You know when it's time to go when the bond (commitment) is severed by one and that they show no interest in getting back on track, and all means to reconcile the situation have been exhausted. If they aren't willing to participate-over. | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:43:21 PM | Gotta even this out a little bit.
Married 37 years, the last 10 she had MS, and died of Cancer. Is that staying power?
I've only been in one relationship since...we broke up and went back together 6 times trying to work it out before it failed. Is that staying power...or stupid?
I refuse to settle for less than I want. I'm willing to work on somethings...others are just impossible. | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:58:31 PM | Does it really matter if I have "staying power" or not? It takes two to make that happen. If he doesn't, it won't matter how much gusto I've got for the long haul.
But I'm not a masochist. So if he treats me like chit...I'm outtie. | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:07:47 PM | I love this topic, did you ever watch scrubs? friends ?sex and the city or anyshow where there is 2 ppl like each other but never get together until the end of the show eventhough they liked each other from the first season. they break up for many reasons , he/she got different issues. but eventually thet learn to accept each other and they get together in the end.
my question is do you think all that runnin around for years is time wasted? should they have tried to accept each other then and not lose all that time running through a closed circle?
we tend to think of accepting ppls flaws as settling down , she got man hands, he snores bla bla bla but really who is perfect and are we flawless ,,, no we are not
I think all need to take a look at things from the outside sometimes and seek a different view.try to stick around and work things out , but also know there is a time when walking out is the only fix. | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:13:53 PM | | In every relationship, there's bound to be an unseen item or two that eventually gets your goat in a big way. At that point "staying power" is a decision. And I'm not talking about those little things like farting or leaving the cap off the toothpaste tube, nor is it the obvious deal breakers like violence or drug abuse; it's those in-between things that ache the most where companionship has to be weighed against its absence. | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:17:34 PM | | I stayed even when it hurt, but that doesn't mean that I let her walk on me. There were a couple of issues with my first wife that she decided were deal breakers. (one being that I wouldn't change religious beliefs when she did.) When she didn't get her way she quit, that is how I new it was over. I don't care how perfect you may think you are, there are going to be problems in any relationship, a perfect relationship isn't one where there are no problems, it is when both parties are able to work together to solve them. | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 6/30/2009 10:09:22 PM | | I believe in compatibility & commitment. I look for somone who I think I could be somewhat compatible with & try to start a relationship based on that but I also believe the most perfect person is an imperfect one. Relationships take a lot of effort & people should be willing to adapt. If I was with someone, I'd do what I can to make a relationship work till I realize I've done everything I could. Then if I know my partner is better off without me or is just using me; it's time to leave that sinking ship | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 6/30/2009 10:29:47 PM | I have lots of staying power....
When it's time to go?
1. Settlin'...without the passion for each other.....then seeing that you can have the passion that you are missing with him... with another person...OUCH!
2. When there is substance abuse that is endangering you and yours...
3. When you know that rebound relationship of seven plus years has had it's day. You are ready to cut loose and find out what it is to be single. The ties the bind are now confining.
4. When there is a trust that is completely broken. It broke everything that was "him and you" in half. Never to be fixed...no matter what....
I believe a person should give their all to a loving and caring relationship. It has safe parameters and boundaries.
When it becomes an angst with drama .....Hurt, mistrust, abuse and depression rules the relationship, then it's time to pack up the trunks and orange garbage bags and say goodbye. Keep looking forward...don't turn back. | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 7/1/2009 12:17:01 AM |
At my age, if I choose to commit to someone it is not to waste my time.
Since s.n.marin is only 21, it would be time for us fellas to find out how young and sexy we like 'em  ......
....oh, Hey, You! I didn't see you there! 
Actualizing, staying power comes from the rememberence of the desire you have to be with the other person. The desire to take away their pain, and accentuate their joy. You truly find out the meaning of the word "love", when you're in the fight of your life to keep the same warm and desire strong 5 years down the line and beyond.
After you've gotten through to lengthening your relationship...you've started developing staying power. The key is losing your heart to the same joy your SO provided from day one.
Danz | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 7/1/2009 4:07:37 AM | I would have to say that my son and his gf have way more staying power than me...at such young ages they have weathered way more than I would have to stay together. From day one they have had one obstacle after another and not just little ones but yet they always manage to work it out.
Both my marriages ended and I can honestly say that I did everything I could and did not leave until I saw both effect my kids in a negative way. Both times my children were the deciding factor. I can put up with a lot but I have no tolerance when it comes to my children. | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:10:23 AM | | I have pretty derned good staying power. In this day and age, I know there are going to be rocky times and I know there are going to be arguments and I already know he's going to piss me off on occasion (and vice versa). However, I know I'm in it for the long haul. And I know it's hard work and i"m ok with that. The only thing that I could think of that would ever get me to leave and never come back is if he were to start cheating or became some pedophile or criminal or something. Then yeah..sorry,... but you made your bed.... I'm out. | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:47:25 AM | At what point do you consider you're committed and what is it you've committed to?
At what point do you move from exploring each other and getting to know each other to deciding "this is it, we've in for the long haul"?
Is the problem with some people, some of the time, not one of staying power, but one of making premature and uninformed commitments?
People seem to see each other about 6 months to a year; it takes that long for people to relax and really reveal themselves. The honeymoon phase seems to last a couple of years - after that there is a shift in gears and your love for each other either deepens and matures or dwindles out. | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 7/1/2009 7:12:13 AM | Lol, you are too kind, Danz.
Actually, I don't run away from the problem but when problems arise from petty nonsense I chose not to dignify the argument with anymore than my point of view and that is that. There are men who are drama kings and continually state that they hate drama.
I respect the other person's feelings and point of view but it becomes a headache when they keep 'beating' up the issue instead of making their point or talking about a specific problem just to be right. Then if you let them say what they are going to say, let them get it off their chest what it is that is bothering them and then end the discussion because you've made your point and he has made his point, they want to keep it going just so that they are convinced that you know that they are right. My ending a discussion is in no way admitting defeat, just me hearing what the other person has to say, taking it to heart and respecting their feelings. | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 7/1/2009 9:27:24 AM | You've Got to Know When to Hold em,
Know When to Fold em,
Know when to walk away....
and know when to RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 7/1/2009 10:03:21 AM | | It's time to go when you realize that the love you thought you had was not of the unconditional type. | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 7/1/2009 10:07:59 AM | What's staying power got to do with it??
Being in a relationship out of obligation and not desire, is not a relationship worth being in. | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 7/1/2009 10:27:05 AM | Everything is relative. Let's say you never settled for anything less than awesome. You meet that person. Does that person has issues? I am yet to know a person in this planet that unless was a useless beggar did not have issues. Do that person has red flags? We all do. So that person that was first awesome, absolutely good looking, a great entertainer, fantastic in bed, turns out to have issues like everyone else? Maybe it's insecurities, maybe is whatever, but at one point you have to address each and everyone of those issues and define if they are deal breakers or not. Sometimes you compromise, sometimes you do not.
An example is that I have a very head strong gf. She got laid off 6 months ago, then couldn't find work. Had to cancel a particular physical and mammogram, now it turns out that she has Breast Cancer. This is some serious stuff where I've have had to learn to humble myself to this reality and be there for her during the pain, the throwing up, the bad temper, the losing of hair, the days with anemia, lack of desire and even the days when she absolutely hates me.
Staying power? All I know is that you deal with it one day at the time. | |
|
| Do you have staying power?
Posted: 7/1/2009 10:27:07 AM | | First of all, we need to be clear and realize that there is a difference being staying in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and staying in a marriage. A marriage is a commitment while a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is just something outta your mouth and you can leave whenever you feel like it. If you're not going to settle then the relationship stage is the best time not to do so, if a guy is iresponsible, abusive, lazy, and dishonest or if a girl is inconsiderate, dishonest, shady, lazy, and triffling, then I'd advise anybody to walk away before you get stuck. But once you get married, then you should have a pretty good idea what you got so you've got to stick it out and work out any differences you may have. | |
|
Home
login 
