| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:12:39 PM | This is mostly for the guys around here, but hey, girls if you have any good advise bring it on.
Ok, here is my situation. Started dating this guy. Things are more than awesome. He is so cool. Very open, fun to be around, just a very interesting person. A guy with an edge:) Just what I am looking for. We had a lot of fun. We met and started seeing each other every day. We just clicked. Well, as you might guess by now, not everything can be perfect. The sex wasn't good. I just don't like it when a guy jumps on me and humps away like a little rabbit. Doesn't do anything for me. I need a little foreplay (did I spell that right?) and just becasue you came doesn't mean sex is over. Hello!!! I am here too. I consulted my girl friends and they don't like that either. We were talking and came to the conclusion that no women can like that kind of sex. Prostitutes might want it that way. The guy cumes fast and she can move on to the next customer. I am talking about the guy just humping away; no kissing no touching no anything. I just didn't get it; how can a guy show much affection when we are hanging out but when it comes to sex there is nothing there. Anyway, so I decided to talk to him about it. I was very respectful and very careful not to hurt his feelings. I asked him: Are we just uncompatible in this part of the relationship or can we work on this? I asked him if I hurt his feelings by bringing up this subject and he said no, I didn't hurt his feelings. Well, ever since this conversation I have not heard from him. WTF? We are old and mature enough to discuss these kind of things. If I wouldn't care about him , I would have not even brought it up, I would have just moved on, loose his number and never answer his call again. But I made it a point to talk about it in a sensitive way. It wasn't easy to bring up this subject but he was and still is important enough that I want to work on this. Now I am dumped for speaking my mind? When is it ok to talk about sex? Do men's ego's get bruised that easily? If I was with somebody that I really liked and he would ask me to change something than I would be all over that. More for me to learn! That's how I look at this.
Any thoughts? | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:22:41 PM | I hate to be so personal but I have a couple of questions. Was this the first time for the both of you? LoL, not as in virgins but first time for you TWO together? Was it a hurried type situation?
Maybe it felt to him like a moment of passion (think scene from movie) instead of a true evening of romance leading up to the finale. Maybe he mistakenly thought you wanted it 'fast and dirty' as opposed to more 'lovemaking' type?
Just curious~ | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:23:30 PM | Yes, I have thoughts.
You weren't dumped for speaking your mind. He chose not to respond to your desires because for some reason he is uncomfortable. It has nothing to do with you.
Don't spend a lot of time what-iffing, living in the past or assuming. Think of it this way...aren't you glad you spoke your feelings and aren't you glad you aren't with someone that wasn't compatible with them.
To think he "should" be otherwise could be thought of as wasted energy.
Personally - I'm happy for you. Good for you. And I don't even know you. Do you know how many people can't broach the conversation of working on a healthy sexual relationship? Lots. You know one personally. | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:26:34 PM | ok not a guy but .. just so you know I would have brought it up as well, sex is important in a relationship and both parties have to be satisfied.
A man that is not into foreplay is definitely a man I would not be with. I think anyones feelings would be hurt if there partner told them they were not satisfying them sexually, but most I would think would be mature about it and work on it if everything else was
there, maybe his ego is bruised a bit maybe he will decide to call you and work on it. | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:31:35 PM | | Thanks for the kind response. I just feel that sex should be discussed freeley just like everything else. Let's keep things real. We are too mature to behave like little teenager and keep guessing about things like that. I don't want to play the guessing game. If everything else works why not make this part work too? And I believe the only way you can make this work is to talk about it. | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:33:03 PM | First, let me say that I think you did the right thing by talking to him about it. Regardless of the outcome, if you can't talk about intimate things and work together to better them, then what's the sense of being together. Of course not knowing exactly how the conversation went, I'm only getting one side of the story. Even if he took it wrong, you did it with the right intentions and he should see that.
From reading how "the event" went, I'd have thought he was in his early 20s. That, however doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe he's just not experienced or mature enough to realize the REAL pleasures that can be attained when with a partner who can open up physically, mentally, AND emotionally. Some of us it has taken longer to learn this. Sometimes at the expence of others, but ALWAYS WITH the help of others. I would say, don't close the door on him yet, maybe he'll be willing to talk once he's settled down. If not, then he needs to grow up and you might not want to wait for that.
Good luck. | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:34:50 PM | NINE TIMES lol and you just now talk to him about his poor performance? You are a trooper aren't you. ;)
Honestly you're more patient than I would have been. I am sure this attest to just how much you liked him. So it was this way each and every time the two of you were together?
Some might say you're partly to blame for not having spoke up sooner. Guy thinks probably he was doing a great job and after 9 times you drop the bomb and he got well, shell-shocked.
All I can say is maybe if you want, try and write to him once, give it your best shot, but if he's not willing to listen to reason then you're going to have to let it go. In the future perhaps not wait so long before suggesting to that special 'him' what your preferences are. | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:37:46 PM | | Thank you. I am really hoping that he will realize that I didn't mean to offend him. Like I said, I just wanted to work things out. I saw so much potential in him and that's the only reason I brought it up. He is a good guy. I just thought it would be great to talk about it since we seem to be able to talk about everything else. | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:38:56 PM | | No. You were right....Intimacy is 50% of any relationship. You showed patience, and good communication skills. He showed insecurity and immaturity. Let it go. It could be he was not very experienced, or skilled. Or, just not very good. Or selfish. Either way, what spoke volumes is how he reacted to your needs. Sounds like the guy needs a few years to go before he gets it. If he ever does. Move on. | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:42:33 PM | | My thought is that the I want to make the guy feel comfortable with me before I bring up anything negative. I like him and that's why I had sex whith him nine times before I brought it up. Like I said before; I had bad sex before and I usually just walk away and loose his number. I am just really sad that we couldn't work this out. | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:43:38 PM | You are patient my dear. He wouldn't have made it to round two with me. Sounds like a pretty inexperienced man. How old was he?
I'm all for having open discussions around ways to improve our sex life but if a guy hasn't figured out that foreplay is part of sex yet...well, I just don't have the patience to be teaching him that.
Sounds like you shook one off the line that was just stuck on that last barb for a bit.
He's the type you just kind of wriggle off the hook and hope he falls off on his own. Hate to cut some good line up. | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:44:53 PM | Do men's ego's get bruised that easily?
No, of course not. Did this particular man's ego get bruised that easily? Possibly, yes. Give it some time and maybe he'll catch on to what you were really trying to say.
OP, I give you kudos here for doing the honorable and adult thing. You met someone you really cared about and clicked with, but when it progressed to intimacy, it wasn't exactly what you had hoped it would be. You gave it several more tries, just to be sure it wasn't a case of first time awkwardness. When you realized it still wasn't working sexually, but that you really did like this guy and wanted to make every effort for it to succeed, instead of doing a slow fade on him or just blowing him off, you chose to communicate with him (unlike so many threads you see here where the obvious solution is to talk to your partner). Now I'm sure it must be a blow to anyone's ego to have their sexual prowess and technique described as unsatisfactory. But maybe when he gets over having his feelings hurt, he'll realize that you are trying to help him, and that you cared enough to tell him, in the hopes of salvaging your relationship. You did absolutely nothing wrong, and you should go right on honestly communicating with people you care about. If he can't handle that, or a woman who speaks up about her desires, sexual and otherwise, well, that is his loss. | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:45:20 PM | | Sorry hun, but bad sex and selfish lovers go hand in hand... You should be glad he's gone. I can't believe he got that much rope to begin with. Looks like he chose to hang himself with it. His problem, now it's his loss. | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:46:33 PM | I just feel that sex should be discussed freeley just like everything else
If everything else works why not make this part work too?
First of all, he may have simply intended for you to be a notch on the bedpost. Or he has other female distractions. Or you worry him because he interprets 'deep-&-meaningful' as a commitment. Who really knows? There are a multitude of possible reasons.
The bottom line is that you should be happy in the knowledge that you've behaved exactly as a mature adult should.
As far as bad sex is concerned: be relieved. While sexual style can be varied, chances are that if you're a selfish lover or you're clueless about sensuality & emotional entwinement then the peak of your prowess will always be mediocrity. | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:57:24 PM | | No you shouldn't have kept your mouth shut but instead of putting him on the defensive and critiqueing his lovemaking you probably should have suggested things that turn you on in the bedroom. You basically told him he's a lousy lover & maybe he is but that would just give you the opportunity to give him the experience he needs without suggesting he is inexperienced. | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:08:33 PM | | During our conversation I did tell him what I liked that he did. I also told him what I would like for him to do. I really tried to be sensitive and caring. I would never bash anyone who has sex with me. I have much respect for a guy who takes the time to get to know me and decides to have sex with me. I do not take that for granted. | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:11:16 PM | x2 on the guy post above me. You could have skirted around the fact and told him what you liked instead of how terrible he was at it.
Personally, I'd never tell a woman she was not good. Id just try and tell her what i wanted. But everyone makes mistakes with words. I personally want to be told if im not doing good or not. You never get any better if you dont. But when you say something like this, be prepared to hear his side on how bad you do things too. I've never slept with a woman that did or was as good as i wanted. And im sure they have thought the same about me. I'm seriously suprised he took it without saying a word about your abilities.
I think u can work it out though. You prob. just really killed his ego. The first time i had someone say something about me like that it was a rough hit. I got over it though. She actually wanted it the way you described him doing it lol. Go figure. | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:17:09 PM | Maybe you could have phrased your question better?
One fact which is clear from your statement is that you view the problem as a "guy" issue, rather than a "people" issue. This shows you associate various actions/emotional responses as being gender specific, and it is a huge flaw in character.
I would've explained what it is you *enjoy* in bed rather than call him out like that. Did that cross your mind? A good partner in bed is one who will teach the other what they enjoy- not everyone (yes, that means both, gasp, men and women) is the same. We all enjoy different things, and our sexual (and in some cases emotional) experience(s) are not always on par with our partners.
I doubt you'll read this, but good luck next time. I suggest thinking of different ways to broach a topic. | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:28:28 PM |
Do men's ego's get bruised that easily?
The bad news is, you were attracted to a man with an edge...that means he's probably running a step above the crowd in confidence, ability to manage well in situations...etc.
And yes, you did bruise his ego...at your age range he's pretty much about how he is perceived, not about how he actually is. AND, to be fair, he may have already been having a question or two about you, so this just gave him a chance to jump ship.
So, quit calling him a man, call him a guy...or a jerk, because men would have be honest with you, not just left you hanging.
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Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 21 | |
| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:29:38 PM | You did the right thing.He was probably embaressed but,if he really cared the way you did.He wouldve been all over that.
My problem is,I have nerve and spinal cord damage.I am not always able to orgasm and she had a problem with it.We talked about it and I did explian it to her.Thought she understood.I always asked her,are you satisfied?She responded "yes" multiples.I always loved the foreplay.It was great times since this is the first time I feel in love since my divorce.My diovrce was in 86.Sure I dated and had sex but,when I mean I feel in love.I ment it.It seems like now a days,sex is everything in a relationship.Actually its not but it sure makes it better.Loyalty,honesty and faithfulness has everything to do with it.needless to say,our relationship ended and I moved out because she let her ex control her mind.Very sad but true. | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:37:00 PM | | Hold on a sec. You mentioned he wasn't into foreplay but what about you? What did you do to turn him on? If you are the type that just lays there maybe he got bored with you and didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you that you didn't do it for him. Maybe he's thinking the exact same thing about you but doesn't want to "hurt" you like you did him. Its amazing how people dont communicate well in this area. Not saying you were bad in bed but you haven't eliminated the possibility with what you've said so far. | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:37:01 PM | | I did read your post. I asked him if I could do anything different and he said he liked everthing I did. Maybe you didn't pay much attention to my previous post, but I did say that if a guy would ask me to make changes I would be all over that. I want to learn. It will make me better in the bedroom:) | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:37:22 PM | | I wasn't there, and I didn't hear the conversation so I'm not going to tell you if you did anything wrong, but I can answer you question about when it is ok to talk about sex. The answer is anytime, is the right time. I personally like to talk about these thing before the first time so that I know what my partner enjoys, and turns her on, and what she doesn't like. The first and biggest rule for good sex is communication, all of us are different and anyone that thinks they know what another person likes without asking is a fool. The real failure here was on his part for not talking to you about things before hand so that it would be great for both of you. | |
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| Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:44:55 PM | | I made it a point to ask what he likes. That's just the way I roll. I just assumed that he knows what I liked. That's when we should pay attention to the work assume .... ASS U Me. I guess that's what you get when you assume; you make an ass out of you and me LOL | |
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