| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:02:53 PM | It's been so long since I have posted here. I hope I chose the right section.
I'm not sure if it's my age or life experience or what my friends are going through, BUT, I am beginning to understand why people cheat. Any way you slice it, it isn't justifiable, however, is there any validity in this scenerio...
Oh, as an FYI, I am single, never married and am not involved with any married men.
Man has worked very hard for many years, nice house, kids, material possessions, etc, but has no intimacy at home. Chooses to stay in the marriage as he knows the alimony will crush him, she stays home, raises kids, and he will lose half of everything he has worked so hard for. So he seeks intimacy outside the marriage.
I am hearing this so often, as a single person, I ask, why do u stay? The above reply is what I hear.
I absolutely hate admitting this...BUT...I can actually see their point? Any opinions would be appreciated. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:08:01 PM | For me it's a catch 22. My last ex's father was a philanderer, but the only reason they were staying married was because she had an illness, and he was the one providing health insurance. (And he had good insurance.)
One one hand, I had a hard time respecting him because of the obvious damage his behavior was doing to his family... on the other hand, he was staying in a relationship that he didn't want to be in in order to make someone else medically comfortable.
I never liked him. But I eventually grew to respect him. Still... wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:08:03 PM | So the reason they give is money. Where's that emoticon. Ah yes, here it is.  | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:09:37 PM | You call it cheating, I call it enabling someone to use another, and hurt yet another.
No, if someone is serious about wanting an emotional connection with another person then they wouldn't cheat.
I think people who cheat are garbage. I don't believe people who have cheated in the past are habitual cheaters, but I think it shows a distinct lack of self-knowledge/lying/and maybe even a bit of self-loathing on the part of the cheater. I know if they could break the cycle and be truly happy they would.
So ask yourself, if you're involved with one of these people- do you think they really want to be happy, to be free? What would they do to be this happy and free? | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:11:55 PM | | Well not JUST the money but all the years of working so hard to gain all they have obtained in life, although material possessions, they represent a solid foundation...that would be a hard thing to give up...Again, not saying I agree or it's right but I am seeing where they are coming from. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:12:25 PM | We are humans...we can justify anything, including murder...that still doesn't make it right.
Using your above scenario...what happened to the intimacy? Most of the time, my belief is the guys snuff it out of the marriage. Women are custodians of the intimacy, and as long as their man contributes just enough oxygen to allow her to keep the flame alive.
So the guys stop contributing, the girls shut down, and now he's managed to "create" the excuse he needs...he doesn't need to worry about his vows to love...to honor...to cherish...he scratched those off his list long ago.
Sorry...I don't buy it...I mean, the justification...if you want to cheat because you're horny and don't care how your partner feels, that's your call...but let's not make excuses for it.
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:13:10 PM | | please if this is redundant, lead me to a thread that poses the same inquiry. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:17:17 PM | Been there, and have the T shirt. I stayed married in a marriage with no sexual intimacy for the last 10 years. My motivation was placing a higher priority on my children't best interests, rather than fear of alimony, although, post divorce, I was paying $1800/mo in alimony and child support, which was over 50% of my income.
Would that have "justified" cheating? I don't know. It wasn't an option that I saw as leading to anything good, but I know how difficult that can be, when you are living for a "higher purpose", but life is devoid of any of the normal human needs in a relationship.
I certainly "understand" why some men, or women, would make that choice. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:19:18 PM | | I have met people where it wasnt "cheating" . They wanted it that way and both knew about it. Not sure I could ever understand or relate to that.Wouldnt want to be involved in a part time oe heartless relatinonship myself. It seemed cold and calculated.But it works for them | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:20:25 PM | | Wow, hats off to you...Why do men get burned so badly? I can see child support, but alimony as well?? Perhaps I am a neive soul...I hafta say, if it were me, I am not sure how I would handle it. Never walked a mile in the shoe, can't say. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:25:17 PM |
Why do men get burned so badly? I can see child support, but alimony as well??
When I got divorced, my younger daughter was just starting high school. My ex hadn't worked outside the home for many years. I didn't want my daughters lifestyle to change, due to the divorce, so I was fine with living in a small apartment, and having my ex maintain the "homestead" for our daughters, while my ex went back to school.
Kids come first, and I didn't divorce my daughters, so I have no "resentments". | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:28:01 PM | I think it is usually an excuse for someone that didn't bother to work on their marriage.
I have a friend, wife is an alcoholic but no one, not even the rest of the family or even the kids know of the extent of the problem because she tends to do the majority of her hard core drinking when they are asleep. He won't leave because he will not leave the children alone with a mother he would have a problem proving is unfit. He also chooses not to have an affair because it is wrong.
I feel for him hanging in until the children are gone because he is truly in a catch 22 but it isn't the money. If you made money once you can make it again and instead of being honest and honorable, sucking it up an giving up half of what you earned (presumably she did something over the years that warrant not leaving her penniless like raising his children, being the appropriate wife at business events, etc.) you are yes, willing to use another person so that you can keep your money and have some fun.
Yup, that's impressive. I know a lot of people that walked away from everything, not even getting half, to get out of a bad situation so while there might be a tiny part of my that has some sympathy for the situation, the greater part of me thinks, what a douche.
that would be a hard thing to give up...
Maybe they should appreciate that they have gained so much that they still have more than the vast majority of people when they walk away with their half. Someone once lamented about losing his Harley, Mercedes, etc. because of the machinations of the ex. My comment was I'm sure that was hard for you but I have never been able to afford to buy them in order to lose them. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:29:23 PM | First of all, you can't believe half of what a cheater is telling you, and the other half is a lie. They ALL say "my wife won't give it up, so I'm getting it elsewhere." So no, I can't see their point as they don't have one.
And if the wife has given up her LIFE to stay home and raise HIS kids, then SORRY, but what is HIS is also HERS. There is not "his" money or "his" stuff. As far as I am concerned, she's worked just as hard as he has for all those years, so again, nope, not seeing any justification for cheating. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:33:44 PM | | I do get a chuckle how some people think they are an authortiy on everything. These forums are worse than ebay's for goodness sake! lol Have fun chatting and bashing. Thanks for the laugh's. Live your life with a google search. That's one of the best ones I heard today! | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:34:47 PM | I could have gone for alimony but I didn't. My ex had talked me into quitting a good job with a major airline to stay home and raise our kids. I was out of the workforce for 8 or 9 years, and I lost the pension that I was working towards building at the airline and everything.
So you tell me why he should have been able to just waltz away with the income that I'd had no choice but to depend on, AND the retirement plan (his) that I had the good faith to believe I was going to be living on with him in our old age? HE was the one who wanted me to quit my job. I didn't go after any of it, but I was advised that I could have. And now, given his recent behavior of shirking his responsibilities to his own kids, I wish I had. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:38:35 PM | Ebay has forums? I can't imagine even knowing that. Let alone knowing them well enough to know that another forum was "worse" than them. Now that's the best laugh I've had all day!
making this longer so it'll post making this longer so it'll post making this longer so it'll post making this longer so it'll post making this longer so it'll post making this longer so it'll post making this longer so it'll post making this longer so it'll post making this longer so it'll post | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:42:51 PM | Not for me- I've given up everything more than once in my life. And by everything I mean everything short of the clothing on my back. Everything.
Things are transient, they're a temporary amusement at best. I could, and would, gladly give up everything (my house, my cars, my whatever) for emotional contentment...a lasting serenity.
So, while I can understand you sympathizing with these men, I don't agree. Further, I feel they're weak spirited people, spiritually degenerate human shells. And I feel that by allowing them to cheat, if you're the other woman, are enabling this, and so by proxy you are the same as these men. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:48:00 PM | Amazing points of view. Thank you so much for enlightening me. It truly is a sit'n where one can't possibly understand fully unless having lived it.
Again, I am not involved with married men and I will never be. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:51:02 PM | I've been there- I've been the cheater. I was a hollow person gratifying base needs. I'm not saying I don't understand, only that I finally grew beyond it and out of it.
Spread the word- don't enable emotionally failed people (men and women) by being the Other Person. Help them in some other way. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 10:16:43 PM | | When the kids are grown, he can decide if he wants intimacy or to keep his money. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 10:17:00 PM | We are humans...we can justify anything, including murder...that still doesn't make it right.
Using your above scenario...what happened to the intimacy? Most of the time, my belief is the guys snuff it out of the marriage. Women are custodians of the intimacy, and as long as their man contributes just enough oxygen to allow her to keep the flame alive.
So the guys stop contributing, the girls shut down, and now he's managed to "create" the excuse he needs...he doesn't need to worry about his vows to love...to honor...to cherish...he scratched those off his list long ago.
Sorry...I don't buy it...I mean, the justification...if you want to cheat because you're horny and don't care how your partner feels, that's your call...but let's not make excuses for it. Wow great clartiy. I want to say upfront, that I know not all men are like this, but the ones in my life have been:) I'm very impressed j!dub by your awareness. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 10:24:41 PM | If there is no intimacy in the marriage it is just as much his responsibility as it is hers to maintain the connection.
It is called being responsible to your spouse.
Still cheating regardless of the excuse. Gray areas exist for those who opt for the easy cop out. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 10:50:26 PM | Only people that are morally bankrupt would seek to justify behavior that destroys a marriage with kids. People can use every silly sophist excuse to justify an unjustifyable action, which really means they just need to be dragged in the back alley and have their azz kicked for hurting the people that love them.
Yep, that's what I really feel about this issue, since these type people are clueless how this selfish behavior causes irreparable damage to their kids. I'd personally donate to an inventor who could device an instrument that would shock the shet out of every man/woman, who thinks furkin someone other than their spouse is excusable.
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 11:08:45 PM |
Man has worked very hard for many years, nice house, kids, material possessions, etc, but has no intimacy at home. Chooses to stay in the marriage as he knows the alimony will crush him, she stays home, raises kids, and he will lose half of everything he has worked so hard for. So he seeks intimacy outside the marriage.
In my book, they are BOTH cheaters. She is cheating her husband out of the physical intimacy he needs to feel loved. Our society has totally forgotten this side of the issue. | |
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