| Whatcha Gonna Do....when the jilted starts wanting you?!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 12:36:46 AM | Okay...there's been a woman I've been conversing with...haven't met yet. She's a terrific conversationalist. She brings many great topics to the table, and also has a wonderful sense of humor.
The only thing is, she is extremely jilted. in our conversations, she attempts to sidestep issues of possibilities. Yet, then she'll drop the occasional "I'd like to be with you". If I was staring at her face-to-face, she would likely be change the subject, if the subject is getting serious.
The other night, she dropped a hot one on me. She wondered why (in her opinion) a great man like me is single. And offered that it's time for me to make my move towards her.
I'm a little leary because I can see a blatant mistrust in her. One that could lead to irreparable damage, that I would hate to aid in causing.
What would you do?
Danz | |
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| Whatcha Gonna Do....when the jilted starts wanting you?!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 12:50:01 AM | Well, from the info you gave it appears to me that even though jilted she may be the type that has to have a partner. Since you two have been conversing she may be comfortable with you and that is why she is hinting at making your move. You really have 3 choices here:
1. Meet with her and see how conversation goes face to face instead of a blank screen
2. Keep it at emails/texts which she will either keep pushing the issue or back off or,
3. Kindly and politely step away from the situation.
I don't know how long its been since she has been jilted and it may be that she needs time to regain trust in the male species, so making your move may be just too soon. the emails may get to be too impersonable for her and she may continue to push the issue. And last she may turn complete psycho on you to where you may have to block her. Sometimes doing the right thing sucks no matter what the outcome. | |
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| Whatcha Gonna Do....when the jilted starts wanting you?!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 12:50:07 AM |
I'm a little leary because I can see a blatant mistrust in her. One that could lead to irreparable damage, that I would hate to aid in causing.
On the other hand, you might be just what she needs. Sounds like she's met a insightful caring and intelligent man and wants to give it a chance Danz.
There are no guarantees in life hon. Meet her. You both have everything to gain.
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| Whatcha Gonna Do....when the jilted starts wanting you?!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 1:20:53 AM | First of all, what's with all the talking? Do you want to meet her or not?
Second, I never take what women tell me on the internet too seriously. I once talked to a girl for 2 and a half years before we finally met and there was absolutely no chemistry whatsoever and it was the most awkward weekend imaginable. All the "I love you's, wish you were here's, can't live without you's" suddenly went out the window and became a total waste of 2 and a half years of my life!
I wouldn't recommend getting serious with anyone online. The net is full of desperate and love-starved people willing to say just about anything to feel wanted/needed. You just set yourself up for disappointment most of the time. Especially if the other person lives far away | |
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| Whatcha Gonna Do....when the jilted starts wanting you?!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 4:26:09 AM | It could simply be she feels that regardless of how long you have been friends and have been talking, nothing is real or worth putting any real effort or emotion into until it is face to face.
It could be that she feels that there is no serious and no possibilities when no progression has been made to transition from chatting to face to face.
I've met a lot of wonderful, fantastic, relationship ready men that I couldn't believe were single... who only really existed on line.
If she is a terrific conversationalist, truly has a wonderful sense of humor and comes across as someone worthy of pursing who has brought it up and put herself out there a bit then why not follow through?
There are no guarantees in life. Sometimes, you just gotta take the chance. Sounds like there is a good place to start from with what you have posted. | |
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| Whatcha Gonna Do....when the jilted starts wanting you?!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 4:41:54 AM | OK...Danz
Youse confusing me. Jilted as in what? I thought you meant that she was the one who:
to drop (as a lover) capriciously or unfeelingly...as in she was someone you dropped before and now is back.
In any event. Uh uh...just cause one makes an offer of moving to change YOUR status does NOT mean you should contemplate it yet. You've not met and you and I both know what happens...we see it on the fora all the time. Someone moves for the other and damn if the "other" is soooooooo not what they were beforehand.
What would I do? Meet in person FIRST and then go from there. If you sense that mistrust so easily that means it's there and she's not working very hard to hide it. She might be trying but if it shows up that easily then you should slooooooowwwwwwwwww downnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
You have to meet before you can do anything else. Meet and find out if the real life chemistry is even THERE.
One step at a time. | |
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vosche
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Joined: 11/28/2008
Msg: 8 | |
| Whatcha Gonna Do....when the jilted starts wanting you?!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 5:36:24 AM | I'm a little leary because I can see a blatant mistrust in her. One that could lead to irreparable damage, that I would hate to aid in causing.
sounds to me like the OP isnt after anything serious and knows this going in...pre-concious guilt?
OP is absolutely right..stay away since you know you arent going to take emotional responsibilty from the very start.... | |
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| Whatcha Gonna Do....when the jilted starts wanting you?!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:36:09 AM | Danz...
1st Step...meet with her to see if there's chemistry (providing you have not already done so)
2nd Step...get to know her
3rd step...IF the desire is still to 'be with her' then by all means go for it
Providing there is still an attraction/chemistry present. JMO. Best of luck  | |
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| Whatcha Gonna Do....when the jilted starts wanting you?!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:50:05 AM | Maybe it's a communication problem? Have you told her straight out that you want to meet her? Possibilities, of what? Maybe she is waiting for you to give her a definite and not hinting around the subject? I don't know what you have wrote her, so not sure about these things. And sometimes, a person thinks he/she is being direct but it doesn't come across that way to the other person.
Her last message, might of been questioning if you are who you say. Because she believes your a great catch. Which makes her wonder, hmmmmm is he telling me the whole truth and if so, why is he available.
Make a plan to meet in no uncertain terms. And see how it goes from there.
Hope that made some sort of sense. Best of luck!!! | |
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| Whatcha Gonna Do....when the jilted starts wanting you?!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:55:28 AM |
What would you do?
I'd pay attention to my gut instincts. Being a "little leary" is the voice of your own experience warning you to be really clear and self-honest about your own reasons for being attracted to this lady.
At my age, I've come to feel very strongly about people needing to have worked with their own bag of rocks instead of expecting others to carry it for them. There's nothing worse than being mistrusted because in attempting to have a relationship with someone, you fall under the umbrella they have opened for absolutely everyone to stand under regardless of whether or not they actually deserve to be there.
You say:
I'm a little leary because I can see a blatant mistrust in her. One that could lead to irreparable damage, that I would hate to aid in causing.
It sounds like you already know that you're going to end up "under the umbrella" simply because you aren't taking responsibility for her need for reassurance.... (nor should you).
You could be a friend who helps her come to terms with her need to work with her trust issues but again, I think you have to be really self-honest about what is attracting you to her. She sounds more like a "fix-it" project than a potential love interest. | |
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| Whatcha Gonna Do....when the jilted starts wanting you?!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 7:48:22 AM |
I had a recent experience very much like this.
What a coincidence! I had the very same experience with someone right here on POF but I had already ended the correspondence between us when he wrote to whine at me about how a true friend would have asked for an explanation for the obvious disparities in his value system. I think now, he likely blocked me for rejecting him so that he could tell himself HE had control of the situation. That "control" stuff seems to be very very important to him. That same individual has now gone on to prove that there are in fact, many holes in his thinking processes as indicated by a number of subsequent posts that have left people shaking their heads.
Considering that the OP has already engaged in a number of conversations with the lady of interest enough to determine that she has extensive trust issues, I'd say he's fairly safe to trust his own gut instincts. Since my perceptions of this other poster turned out to be right smack dab on the money, I think Danz is probably headed in the right direction as well. | |
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| Whatcha Gonna Do....when the jilted starts wanting you?!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:08:47 AM |
First of all, what's with all the talking? Do you want to meet her or not?
Second, I never take what women tell me on the internet too seriously. I once talked to a girl for 2 and a half years before we finally met and there was absolutely no chemistry whatsoever and it was the most awkward weekend imaginable. All the "I love you's, wish you were here's, can't live without you's" suddenly went out the window and became a total waste of 2 and a half years of my life!
I wouldn't recommend getting serious with anyone online. The net is full of desperate and love-starved people willing to say just about anything to feel wanted/needed. You just set yourself up for disappointment most of the time. Especially if the other person lives far away
I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I wasn't entitled to live my life "my way", studioguy29. You say tomato, and I say to-ma-to. I'm not ready to make a fool of myself, so taking in some perspective NEVER hurts. Thanks. 
It could simply be she feels that regardless of how long you have been friends and have been talking, nothing is real or worth putting any real effort or emotion into until it is face to face.
It could be that she feels that there is no serious and no possibilities when no progression has been made to transition from chatting to face to face.
I've met a lot of wonderful, fantastic, relationship ready men that I couldn't believe were single... who only really existed on line.
If she is a terrific conversationalist, truly has a wonderful sense of humor and comes across as someone worthy of pursing who has brought it up and put herself out there a bit then why not follow through?
There are no guarantees in life. Sometimes, you just gotta take the chance. Sounds like there is a good place to start from with what you have posted.
The very first line is the key component, prurire. Because I get the feeling that even beyond the first meeting, I have the feeling that she will not express anymore expression than she thus far has; and will not want to let me in anymore than she already has. So, I don't see getting any closer than I already have...to be met by a brick wall over and over.
OK...Danz Youse confusing me. Jilted as in what? I thought you meant that she was the one who: to drop (as a lover) capriciously or unfeelingly...as in she was someone you dropped before and now is back. In any event. Uh uh...just cause one makes an offer of moving to change YOUR status does NOT mean you should contemplate it yet. You've not met and you and I both know what happens...we see it on the fora all the time. Someone moves for the other and damn if the "other" is soooooooo not what they were beforehand. What would I do? Meet in person FIRST and then go from there. If you sense that mistrust so easily that means it's there and she's not working very hard to hide it. She might be trying but if it shows up that easily then you should slooooooowwwwwwwwww downnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. You have to meet before you can do anything else. Meet and find out if the real life chemistry is even THERE. One step at a time. Afashionlady...I repeat the same to you as I stated to prurire. Hard to make a move here. The jilted lady in this case has me cautious. Slowing down and speeding up is all part of the process. But, I need to figure out if I need to give up. sounds to me like the OP isnt after anything serious and knows this going in...pre-concious guilt? Nope...sorry. Guilt and I don't play the game of love together...but thanks for playing. | |
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| Whatcha Gonna Do....when the jilted starts wanting you?!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:10:47 AM | Dude, dude, dude.
If there is one rule, and one rule only of all this thing called internet dating is this one. I call it TABULA RASA, and is very simple. Anything and everything that happens before you meet in real flesh and bone, goes out the window the moment you meet. All the phone conversations, out the window. All the texting, IM, emails, smoke signals, all out the window. Once you have met all the above techniques count, because now you have an emotional and chemical tangible, as supposed as an idea.
If you fail to understand this, what you will do is keep doing all this things without the meeting and then people tend to fall not for a real person, but the idea they have in their head of that person, and the persona that you have portrayed to the other person. Neither one is YOU, or even that person. Thus you hear the eternal complaint here that we communicated for half a year, blah, blah, fell in love, met and now he/she disappeared.
Cut the crap and meet. | |
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| Whatcha Gonna Do....when the jilted starts wanting you?!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:15:04 AM | And then we've seen the thoughtful posters who recognized that individuals are unique and that no judgment can apply without understanding the individual.
Some individuals are not as unique as they think they are.
And strangely enough, rarely do the immature learn from the mature.
And rarely do the "mature", derail someone's thread to continue WHINING at someone long after they've supposedly blocked them.
Gawd Almighty... it isn't the end of the world just because someone who had added you to their favorites list took you off!!! Get over yourself! 
PS... Sorry Danz...
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| Whatcha Gonna Do....when the jilted starts wanting you?!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:22:17 AM | " in our conversations, she attempts to sidestep issues of possibilities"
Maybe she just feels you don't know what the possibilities are until you have actually met and see that there is chemistry in person.
I don't talk about "possibilities" with someone I am chatting with. I don't know them and until I do I don't know where anything could lead. Chatting is what you do to get to know little things about someone but when you actually meet it could sizzle. Why get someone else's hopes up by saying " you might do this and you might do that"? | |
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| Whatcha Gonna Do....when the jilted starts wanting you?!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:48:33 AM | Robert and Silken...to your neutral corners, Now!!!
Okay...that cleared up, I'm prepared to answer your post, Robert.
Do you have any feelings for her that would lead you to want more than conversation? Excluding those feelings of sympathy you have for her plight?
Curiosities more than feelings.
Not general vague feelings of how nice it might be to be in a relationship, but feelings she's inspired in you?
See above answer.
How comfortable are you with her behind the wheel? Are you going to stay comfortable if she decides to slow down, stop, reverse course, take long laborious side-trips. In other words: how are you going to react if she meanders rather than taking the shortest path from A to B?
Going to feel like grabbing the wheel? become a back-seat driver? bailing out of the car?
Comfortable enough to ride thus far, but I don't think the seatbelt will stay attached (so to speak)...she may even cut it and shove me out the door, from fear of me not getting out and jumping on my own. For me, the ride hasn't been altogether comfortable, but sometimes you have to be made uncomfortable to appreciate some things sometimes.
There's baggage there (but let's face it--we're not human beings on this site without some form of baggage ourselves), but nothing intolerable. But, this is seemingly a reckless person, jilted by long-standing carelessness shown to her throughout her life. No one has seemed to get close enough, and care long enough for it to matter. I guess she views me as someone to teach her how to care, and open up the emptied tank and let someone's emotional output in.
I have a very deep well, and I have no issue caring for and loving. I consider myself a person who has had much to overcome...but I have no fear in loving, caring, etc. But, I have been a loving person to another who has beckoned me in such a way in the past. I don't want to let my past actions dictate my present pace, because I will be no different than she is.
So, I think my choice is clear. I guess I will have to divide and conquer. Divide the mistrust and conquer my query, that is. | |
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| Whatcha Gonna Do....when the jilted starts wanting you?!?
Posted: 10/29/2009 3:50:15 PM | Well... for one thing, I'd use the correct word! "Jilted" means dumped, typically as it relates to the altar.
Maybe you mean "stilted", like kind of stiff or reluctant?
.. Anyway, to answer your question, this is what I would do:
recognize that the problems identified belong not to me, but to the other person, and adjust myself to them but not try to change that person. They are who they are. Either you can imagine a life together with enough of a happiness potential to justify investing yourself, or not.
Don't 'settle', and don't let the other person 'settle' either. Have each other's best interest at heart. That may mean letting this individual go, or at least accepting their quirks as part of the whole package.
If you're leery, there's a reason. Check if it's about you or her. Don't be afraid to ask why she's curious when it seems so out of left field. What is she really interested in with you? Ask, but don't try to pin her to specifics: just knowing you're expressing what you want should let her know she can't keep being vague or you'll get bored and go away.
.. because you WILL, right?
(if you stay anyway, no one else can help you) | |
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| Whatcha Gonna Do....when the jilted starts wanting you?!?
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:43:33 AM | My cousin's coworker did the same thing. Then she stalked me for a good month. She's a great girl, funny and has a job (hey that's a good thing now a days). The three of us hung out maybe 20 times in one month. Then she wanted to date me and I had just gotten out of a terrible relationship and I heard all of her stories within 2 weeks. She pressed the issue a lot. She didn't want to be friends, she didn't want to see me again if she couldn't be more than friends.
Anyway, after a month of stalking she gave it up for the next guy. Then dropped the next guy after 2 weeks and the next guy after 2 weeks. Now she's normal and doesn't care about me anymore, so we're back to being friends. We never kissed, we did hug, never did anything more than hug. | |
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