| Do i like her or not!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 5:26:52 AM | I have trouble growing closer to my new girlfriend. I have been seeing my girlfriend for 2 months now. I keep going throught these moodswings and just keep sending her signals of hot and cold. She does require quite alot of attention sometimes as she can be very sensitive and has had a terrible past. Because of that she leans on me and turns to me for strength. She is getting help for that though and i know she wont just get better overnight. I'm sure that she really loves me and i think that i love her but you should be sure, right? If you don't feel it 100% then how can it be real?
Part of me thinks it's my previous relationship and the gap time between old and present. I was just used to being told what to do with my last girlfriend and just danced to her tune. Then when we broke up i had to get used to being on my own quite alot and now i think i'm quite dependant on it and can get really cold and irritable if i spend too much time with people, especially her. I just don't know what to do, sometimes i'm terrified at the very idea of losing her and then at other times i just couldn't give a stuff if she stayed or not. She is really caring and doesn't deserve this, what can i do?! Please help!
Help from both the ladies and the gents will be greatly appreciated.
 M-Bomb | |
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| Do i like her or not!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 5:36:50 AM | You're right. When you love someone you know you love them.
You don't need them in your life for anything, except to live.
Now, the real question is whether she loves you or needs you for that strength and support. Would she keep you around were she self-sufficient? | |
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| Do i like her or not!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 5:41:48 AM | If you are two months into a new relationship and feel irritable around her chances are ..you are not really into her .. caring and suffocation are two different things .. a good relationship should lift you both past where you are now as people and if it doesn't it is not for you ... terrible pasts are something that need to be dealt with and I believe that if she does not receive adequate therapy it will erode into all she does until she is healed of what has occurred to alter who she should have become.. she needs to understand that her personal health is precious to her and that to be whole is the only way you enter any relationship. mostly the one you have with yourself.
Therapy even just reading some good books but counselling would be better as it will give her the opprotunity to grieve with another person. Offering each other boundaries and setting a plan of action to work out the suffocation and to understand that it is a process that will take time.. you can work into something great if that is what you both can recognize and work to achieve... good luck in this attempt and change does not occur unless change in actions occur . | |
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| Do i like her or not!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 5:48:22 AM | | Like her you have issues that you are unaware of that will haunt you. If you are serious about this girl then do exactly what she is doing and seek help. You have had relationships before where you have been hurt and you are caught between a rock and a hard place. Not to hurt her and accept her is you having to deal with these issues first. Sort out yourself and be happy and only then can you make her/happy,and the desire will be different. Only then will you be honest with yourself,her and the relationship otherwise you are heading for diasater | |
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| Do i like her or not!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:01:19 AM |
Because of that she leans on me and turns to me for strength. She is getting help for that though and i know she wont just get better overnight. I'm sure that she really loves me and i think that i love her but you should be sure, right? If you don't feel it 100% then how can it be real?
The problem with being 100% sure is that, often, prior bad relationships prevent this. The more bad relationships that you have had, in the past, the harder is becomes to be 100% sure. It is human nature to seek pleasure and avoid pain. The problem arises when the unconscious mind starts to view all relationships as a possibly painful event. Both of you seem to have had at least one prior bad relationship. You have only been with her for a few months. Way to short a period to tell how a relationship will end. I do understand the stress of having to be a shoulder for someone, when you yourself might be needing a shoulder. The biggest question I would have is whether she is also providing you a shoulder to lean on at the times you need it. If you are the only one providing the shoulder then I suggest the relationship will only get harder. She may be using you just for your shoulder, and will find someone new when your shoulder is no longer there or needed. | |
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| Do i like her or not!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:34:40 AM | Is it possible that your mood swings creep up because you really don't completely know the person you are dating. It is virtually impossible to know someone after only 8 weeks. Have you really taken a look at any positives that this girl has to offer you? Is your relationship built around her need to have you as a crutch, or are there more meaningful qualities to her that attract you into committing?
Healthy relationships should include the need to build on each other, strengths and weaknesses.......
As well, we all need alone time but if you feel you are consistently pushing her away or feel that you want to be isolated then you possibly are not ready to commit. You really should step back and figure if you atleast have 80 % of your self to give. The rest to make the 100 comes with time in a new relationship. the question, is your time worth this relationship. | |
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| Do i like her or not!?
Posted: 7/1/2009 9:52:47 AM | | m-bomb - maybe you need to go see a doctor... ya know.. to make sure everything is firing in sync upstairs. It almost sounds like a mild case of BPD but I could be wrong. I'm not a doctor. But I still think a trip to the doc to see what they have to say might be a good idea. It might not be the girl... it might be you. | |
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| Do i like her or not!?
Posted: 7/4/2009 12:55:15 PM | | please take a time out and figure who you really are .Do this and when you find the answer to that question then and only then can you really be comfortable to be with her. | |
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| Do i like her or not!?
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:02:48 PM | Let her go, you don't love her simple as that! Guys like you who are oblivious to their emotions are always the ones who are real jerks... Just my 2 cents! | |
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| Do i like her or not!?
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:17:55 PM |
Guys like you who are oblivious to their emotions are always the ones who are real jerks... Just my 2 cents!
That's not really fair, honestly. He's just as human as she is, and his feelings are just as valid. He's trying to figure things out, and that should earn him a lot of points, since most people in this position couldn't be buggered to try to fix things.
That being said, I know exactly how the OP feels, as I've been through it myself. I wish I could give you an answer to your question. But the best advice i can give you is to get some counseling for yourself as well. Hopefully they can help you understand your feelings better, which should shed some light on what you should do about your situation. | |
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| Do i like her or not!?
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:22:23 PM | | I dunno if you like her or not .. and so far it sounds like she doesn't know who she is and you don't know who she is .. so wait as the therapy for anyone willing will help her in the transitions she needs to explore.. it will only get better .. if you work at it.. oh yah.. | |
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| Do i like her or not!?
Posted: 7/6/2009 1:39:08 AM | Thanks again people for your honest advice. I really am trying to make this work as i know she is the best thing to ever happen to me, my friends also tell me this on a regular basis! I have made some progress with your help and i have done a bit of research on this and found some more help.
Things are slowly getting better, i know it's not going to be fixed tommorow or the next day, it will take alot of time and effort on both sides but thats what love and relationships are all about right? If there is one thing i've learned it's that a good helathy relationship doesn't just fall into your lap like alot of people on here want/think.
Thanks again 
M-Bomb | |
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| Do i like her or not!?
Posted: 7/6/2009 4:30:18 AM | Im so happy thats there are actually guys out there like you who give a damn about a girls feelings.....
Dont worry ive felt like that in a relationship before....it sounds like she needs you more than you need her, and maybe you should just stay friends untill she becomes a stronger person and then try again, and second time round it might be a stronger bond after being friends first?
Not sure that made sense, but good luck!
K xx | |
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| Do i like her or not!?
Posted: 7/6/2009 4:50:43 AM | well, what are your HONEST intentions for her and this relationship? note how I did not ask what are your intentions for yourself.
regarding your past relationships and past in general, just try to realize that they brought you to the present, and if you're happy with who you are and what your intentions are, then be content. now, if your new girlfriends intentions are for you to be happy and to live her live with you, your intentions must be the same in order for it to work.
the coldness you wrote of is when you're just thinking of satisfying yourself and doing your own will (for yourself). you have to climb out of that and put her needs before yours. if the relationship is truly circular (where her intentions is for your happiness and vice/versa) then as the challenges of life comes, both of you will be like a house built on a firm foundation. But, if one of you has some hidden agenda, if a fly lands on your dwellings, it will all collapse.
then again, it's only been two months. however, for now, strive for two years.
I keep going throught these moodswings and just keep sending her signals of hot and cold.
stop doing this. just keep giving her the "hot" mood. be constant. that way, she'll know she can depend on you.
She does require quite alot of attention sometimes as she can be very sensitive and has had a terrible past.
then give her all the attention she requires. AND also give her the space she requires. if one constantly waters a rose bush, would not the rose bush drown?
She is really caring and doesn't deserve this, what can i do?! Please help!
then give her the relationship she deserves to be in and what you deserve to be in as well. no games. all honesty and 100 % commitment.
best of luck! | |
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| Do i like her or not!?
Posted: 7/6/2009 6:35:55 AM | All of the last 3 posts made so much sense to me. There is some sterling advice and very throught provoking sentments there. I want to thank all of your for your time and support.
You do care for her
This on it's own was very powerful, to hear someone else say it as i do really fills me with happiness and the confidence to try my hardest to make this relationship the blessing it could potentially be.
The feeling I have is that you were badly hurt when your previous relationship ended. Adjusting to being single was painful, and now that you've achieved it, you're afraid to give it up.
Not because you don't want love, but because you don't want the pain you associate with your previous relationship.
This has also really touched home, noone has ever put it like that before but it's absoloutely spot on. It's not a case of i didn't get over my ex because i know i have there is no feelings there only a mixture of memories. It's more that i find when you start a relationship with someone you slowly re-write your lives together and around each other over time. Then when you break up you have to somehow instantly snap back to how you used to be before if you can possibly remember that at all.
Also, as i saide before i was definately the submissive in my previous relationship and so i think i'm trying so hard not to be again that i'm almost going too far the other way.
M-Bomb | |
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