| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 10:17:45 AM | | i have been dating a girl for 6 months. i like being with her but i don't love her. you know that goose bump, special feeling, you have for someone you just know you like a lot and you want them immensely? it is not there. quite honestly, i am with her b/c i don't have someone else? its just convenient. and mainly sexual. i'm 33, she is 10 years younger. i feel guilty. i am nice, respectful and treat her very well. but i know how i feel. i've told her numerous times she should be looking for other guys as subtly as possible and she deserves more. the problem, i think, is she loves the sex. is it wrong for me to continue seeing her? | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 10:37:24 AM | Men, more often than women tend to be harder to fall in love with. So you need to ask yourself a couple of questions. Can you be without this woman for two weeks. And I mean two weeks with no contact, no emails, no-nothing. Can you?
You see, when I was dating I used to sabotage my own relationships so at about 4 months they could get rid of me, or me of them. Then came along a woman that lasted six months. She told me that she loved me. I told her that I could not reciprocate the sentiment because at the time it was not there. Yet that love grew and grew. At six months I could not tell her that I loved her. Yet at 1 year and 1 month, I did.
What you want to do is find out what are her feelings for you. You want to find out what is it that you LIKE about her, find all the positives. Also find all the negatives, are the negatives deal breakers that you are putting up with because you are getting laid? At some point even the best of sex has to be backed by the relationship. So see where it goes. If by a year you still feel kind of empty, do her and you a favor and end it. If by that time you have realized that you have a good thing, just didn't realize it, the explore that.
So start by asking yourself, "would I miss her?"
And go from there. | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 10:56:18 AM | Ah so, Outmind, you advise this man to muck about with this girls feelings for a year or so to see if his apathy somehow magically disappears? I call that ridiculous and irresponsible advice.
In a year, this woman will be becoming more and more attached,.. and you think its okay to dump someone after a whole year together and say 'I dont feel the way i should about you, and never did'?
waste a whole year of this womans time and emotions?
For shame.
OP,.. Let her go now. i hate this sort of apthy and using someone.
I dont think shes ignorng your hints just because she likes the sex,.. I think she has deeper feelings for you than you think, and shes hoping you may get to feel the same. Truthfully, it aint gonna happen is it.
You know it wont.
That sort of feeling doesnt take ages to appear, even for men. Im glad Outmind was lucky enough to have a woman that stuck around till he suddenly felt it one year and one month into things,.. but when you start off indifferent, or just blah, about someone, it usually doesnt blossom into love.
Do her a favour, OP, be an honourable man, have some integrity, and tell this woman now its not happening for you, before you let this go on any longer.
What you're doing isnt fair on her or you. Time wasting for both of you, and convenient sex.
That sucks
G. x | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 10:57:54 AM | OutMind, that's a great response.
OP, you say that she is basically into the sex aspect of the relationship. If that's so and you've been honest with her in regards to your feelings, or lack thereof, then there is no reason for you to feel guilty or badly about misleading her. You aren't. Just be honest and upfront with her. It's up to her to decide if she wants more than you can give. | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 11:01:49 AM | You need to be a man and fess up to her now, and let her go and find someone who really loves her. It is cruel to lead someone on, be affectionate, let them believe that love is blossoming, when you know in your heart that is not there and will never be.
If you have an ounce of compassion in your soul, you will let her go.
Beth | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 11:10:52 AM | I am nice and respectable to muffins i treat em well and eat before the sell by date.
Once they go past the sell by date i bin erm wait thats not right
erm oo just let her go for goodness sake.
Tooters off to inconspicuously stand by the bin of muffins with a glinting fork and gleen in his eye
I gonna get ye little muffins | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 11:12:12 AM |
i am with her b/c i don't have someone else? its just convenient. and mainly sexual. i'm 33, she is 10 years younger. i feel guilty. i am nice, respectful and treat her very well. but i know how i feel. i've told her numerous times she should be looking for other guys as subtly as possible and she deserves more. the problem, i think, is she loves the sex. is it wrong for me to continue seeing her?
maybe you are the one that is getting used for sex?
you got passed the used part as far as the sex is concerned now all of sudden you have a conscience??hmmmmmmmmm  | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 11:17:08 AM | Op if this is an advertisment on your sexual ability no one is buying it. If there really is a 23 year old stupid enough to continue to have sex with a 33 year old man(yeah right, Looks much older) that has to ask strangers over the world wide internet should he continue using someone for sex. I would keep her!
Maybe you are alone because nobody else wants you. | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 11:24:44 AM |
i am nice, respectful and treat her very well.
Saying it doesn't make it so. You aren't treating her very well, to the contrary. She's young and deserves to be set loose to find someone that can respect her enough to love her.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind….. | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 11:25:40 AM |
Ah so, Outmind, you advise this man to muck about with this girls feelings for a year or so to see if his apathy somehow magically disappears?
OutMind, that's a great response.
Interesting how you can read anything into anything. I am not advising this guy to lie to this girl or deceive her or mislead her. On the contrary, tell her that things need time and that at that moment what they are enjoying is the sex part. The thing is that a lot of times, the last person to know of your real emotions is yourself. Why, because you keep comparing and noticing how green the grass may be next door, or the usual that most women fall for that they will not settle and prince charming will eventually come, so now I just past the time. Then when those emotions come to the surface, guess what, too late. YOU ALREADY burned the bridge.
So it's not about deception, but about giving it time. And if the OP feels like he absolutely needs to get out of the relationship, it means that the negatives outweigh the positives. | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 11:32:48 AM | | Personally, I think that the "goosebump, special feeling" thing is a load of crap! Perhaps I'm just jaded, but I tend to reason out my relationships a little more logically. Make a pros and cons list of why the two of you would or wouldn't be a good long term fit together. Do you honestly think that people who have been married for 50 years get all goose-bumpy every time their mate walks into the room? That stuff is for Disney movies! Give the relationship a chance, and stop looking for a fairytale! | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 11:34:02 AM | Well Outmind if people are so blind to their own emotions because theyre too distracted by the bigger better thing,. then guess what,.. they shouldnt be in a relationship, and hurting someone should they?
Im getting tired of this BS about how men dont fall in love or develop feelings for about a thousand years.
Seriously, how much time do you think a mortal woman has to waste on indifferent flip flopping like this?
If every relationship you get in, you're mucked about till some guy decides about 5 years in that suddenly he has feelings for you, and you give it that much time every time,.. how many relationships that were doomed to fail has one woman wasted her precious time on in her lifetime.
I've heard of taking it slow, but this is riduculous.
The ironic thing is,..if OP met a girl tomorrow that he felt strong immediate feelings for, he would dump Miss 23 year old, and be engaged to the next one in 6 months,.. and we've all seen that happen.
SOME men use women as a sexual convenience for years. Never having strong feelings, never committing, yet, another comes along, and bang, theyre married in a year.
Dont you tell me it takes that much time.
I know it doesnt when a man truly has feelings.
I wouldnt waste six months of my life on some flip flopping indecisive user, if he doesnt have feelings in the first year or so, he can bugger off. No, actually, if he doesnt have feelings within about 3 or 4 months, he can take a walk.
Im not talking marriage or commitment, Im just talking simple strong feelings.
Time wasters are a bane.
G. x | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 11:41:10 AM |
Dont you tell me it takes that much time.
That is how YOU FEEL about it. But it's not how a lot of MEN feel.
The flip side of this is that a lot of guys when they first start dating, they meet this woman and fall in love like pure idiots and they tell the lady, only to have her tell him, I like you but not that way. So that gullible nice guy becomes jaded and very protective of his emotions and yes, six months is in my book not enough time. | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 11:42:21 AM | It seems to me that the OP doesn’t want "more time" to decide. The “special feeling” is NOT THERE. He is with her because he “doesn’t have anyone else”; it’s just “convenient and mainly sexual”. He “KNOWS how he feels”. THAT is exactly what he needs to tell his girlfriend, so she can make a truly informed decision on how to proceed.
Oh, he should also let her know that he joined POF a couple of weeks ago and is actively looking to date other women. Just sayin'. | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 11:52:35 AM |
i know how i feel. i've told her numerous times she should be looking for other guys as subtly as possible and she deserves more. Can I ask why you're being so subtle? I won't project what I think you're trying to maneurver by being subtle instead of being frank and straight up about it.. I'll let you answer.
the problem, i think, is she loves the sex. is it wrong for me to continue seeing her? You should ask her if she's comfortable knowing that you don't love her and don't see yourself falling in love with her but you enjoy having sex with her and if she's okay with just sex and the fact that you've not stopped looking for other partner(s).
Man-up and get real with her without the subtly. If she agrees to the fact that all she is to you is fun, sexually compatible hookups .. then no you're not wrong in continuing to see her. | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 11:59:01 AM | You admitted you don't love her and then went on to describe what love means to you: "...that goose bump, special feeling...".
Love certainly involves having special feelings, no doubt.
But love is never selfish.
So, when you say you don't love her, it sounds to me like you're basically admitting to using her...selfishly. For your own selfish gratification. Or because, as you say, it's "convenient".
I don't want to rub your nose in it here because it seems you've already done that to yourself. No man should feel proud of publicly admitting to being a cad*, and I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and trust that you aren't merely boasting of your exploits.
If you feel guilty, then I suggest you do the right thing. Be honest. Admit you've taken advantage of her, and apologize.
Then, turn away from engaging in that type of shallow behavior again.
Men who treat women with respect, rather than as objects to be taken advantage of, have learned to respect themselves.
I hope I don't sound too harsh. I'm just trying to be honest.
All the best to you, and may you discover the keys to love and happiness! | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 11:59:05 AM | ^^^ I agree with this post. OP, I suppose if you continue this as a FWB scenario, you'll be upfront and honest with anyone you date from here about her,.. and when you start being intimate with a date, you'll stop boinking Miss 23 year old too right? yeah right.
seeing as you're looking to date OP, why not mention Miss 23 year old fook buddy on your profile? That would be honest of you, but somehow I think you wont.
G. x | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 12:08:44 PM | Plentyofcads .. in the sea .. who, in the guise of sparing a gals feelings withold their truth.
Edited: Spare her this type of "compassion" Op..
No you do not have to be in love to date someone. Dating is just that, dating it does not have to become anything more or bigger. Sometimes it nice to have a convenient friend to have sex with. Let it go, unless she starts pushing for more. and be upfront about your intentions or, specifically lack thereof and let her decide if she is capable of such an arrangement.
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 12:18:58 PM | You know what OP, I'll call you exactly what you are; an AZZ. At 33 years old you should be old enough to know better than to treat a female this way. Her being only 23, she's immature and she probably thinks that because you've stuck around this long and you have sex with her all the time, that you do have feelings for her.
My god man, at least have the decency to do the right thing and let her go. At six months of seeing someone, it might not be love yet but you know damn good and well if you have some kind of feeling for her other than a certain part of your body getting stiff when she shows up. If you want to find out how you really feel about her or she feels about you, then stop having sex and get to know each other. | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 12:24:30 PM | OP, people here love to label and cast stones. Ignore them.
However, ethically, you should inform your g/f that the relationship does not have a future, that you haven't fallen in love and truly doubt you will. Let her decide if continuing on that basis is something she wants, or not. IMO, if you are really looking for a special relationship, you should gently end this one and begin seeking what you truly know you want. You limit your ability to find your own happiness by staying, and are doing her no favors unless she prefers the current limited possibilities with you. | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 12:29:20 PM | Q: is it wrong for me to continue seeing her?
A: No you do not have to be in love to date someone. Dating is just that, dating it does not have to become anything more or bigger. Sometimes it nice to have a convenient friend to have sex with. Let it go, unless she starts pushing for more. | |
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| is it ok to continue a relationship when i know i don't love?
Posted: 7/1/2009 12:44:14 PM | Op. No, but there is a big IF; If you tell her how you feel and she really is ok with it. Not just that she says she's ok. Women lie. They say what they think is going to keep you around in the hopes that they will be able to change your mind because, "after all if I love him that much, he'll have to love me."
At her age, I would be very careful of her actual intentions, reguardless of what she says. Not many women actually would be okay with that at that age.
If I were a man in your position, I wouldn't play with her at all. First you are preventing her from finding someone who really will love her, and you aren't finding that either. Of course, I'm not sure that's what you want.
JMHO
 
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