| Is it cold feet?
Posted: 7/1/2009 5:36:57 PM | | I need help trying to figure this out. I've been dating a guy for 4.5 months. Things were going well, but then he started to withdraw. When I asked him what was going on he said that we were getting to the point where things either had to get serious or end. When I asked what "getting serious" meant....he said talking about moving in and so on. He then said that he was withdrawing becasue he was getting cold feet. I like this guy, but am totally not ready to even consider moving in after only 4.5 months. I gace him the easy out and he didn't take it......so now I don't know what to do! Is it cold feet or is he just trying to let me down easy? I should mention that we are both in our 30's he is divorced for 5 years.........HELP! | |
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| Is it cold feet?
Posted: 7/1/2009 5:41:09 PM | Sounds genuine to me. I mean, after you've passed your 20's wasting time just doesn't seem like an option for some.
Then again, he could just be dangling a carrot (or thinking he is) to get you to commit or see if you're desperate for a serious relationship.
Either way, go with your gut. If you don't want to commit that fast, then don't. You have to do what's right for you.
TDA | |
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| Is it cold feet?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:20:36 PM | | Not sure....never asked actually. I feel that we are just in the "getting to know each other" phase and it wasn't really an issue. I do know that she found someone else before the marriage was over though | |
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| Is it cold feet?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:47:24 PM | | sounds to me like he cant afford his rent on his own | |
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| Is it cold feet?
Posted: 7/1/2009 7:09:53 PM | OP, if you feel that you want to see each other exclusively, offer a compromise, such as
dating exclusively but not living together. Discuss it more openly and see where it can
go. | |
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| Is it cold feet?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:06:42 PM | | He's trying to get out of the relationship. What's the point of trying to force him to stay? | |
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| Is it cold feet?
Posted: 7/1/2009 9:03:11 PM | It is not cold feet.
Sounds like he has decided you are not the one, and he doesn't want to hurt you, because he genuinely likes what you share, but he doesn't see himself committing any further.
I have been there 3 times in the past 2 years, I genuinely loved the girls, but I was not "in love" with them, and I did not see myself marrying them.
Search your own feelings, you will know the truth, I am sorry I can't give you better news. | |
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| Is it cold feet?
Posted: 7/1/2009 9:19:16 PM | | Yeah I'm gonna have to agree with casper4u. | |
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| Is it cold feet?
Posted: 7/1/2009 10:16:16 PM | Well, excuse my input but what I see here is that you've been dating a guy for 4 1/2 months and he wants to live with you. You say 4 1/2 isn't long enough, it is...if that's what you are looking for?
At the same time you are on a "dating site" fishing?
Did you tell the guy that you weren't interested in living together and that you even had a profile on a dating website? | |
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| Is it cold feet?
Posted: 7/1/2009 11:13:04 PM | | He sounds passive/aggressive. Not willing to take responsibility for his choices in the relationship but ready to blame you if you make one. Drop back and punt. You deserve a guy that will respect you and not try to manipulate you. | |
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Joined: 10/13/2007
Msg: 13 | |
| Is it cold feet?
Posted: 7/1/2009 11:20:18 PM | Maybe its just the way other folks are reading your post but it seems to me that you ARE willing to keeping moving forward with this guy and that you are NOT pressuring him to move in. HE is the one who seems to be on the scales about either making a full commitment or bailing...am I right?
If he IS getting cold feet are YOU willing to settle for someone who will never give you the passion and love that you want/desire? Are you willing to be an 'also ran'? There are TONS of guys out there any number of which can punch your ticket the right way, why hang out with a guy that can't work up any enthusiasm?? | |
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| Is it cold feet?
Posted: 7/2/2009 12:26:21 AM | | 4.5 months and it's time to talk about moving in?? kick this guy to the curb. what a pathetic excuse. | |
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| Is it cold feet?
Posted: 7/2/2009 1:05:49 AM | Sounds like you need to have a serious heart to heart conversation with this guy. Tell him where you stand on the whole thing, and have him try to explain to you why he feels that if you dont move in together that things need to end. It seems fairly apparent that he has some sort of past issues that have caused him to feel this way.
If you really like him as you say, then talk to him and try to help him work it out. Maybe all he needs to hear is that although you arent ready to take that big of a step, that you arent planning on going anywhere. | |
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| Is it cold feet?
Posted: 7/2/2009 3:51:54 AM | In a relationship where neither side can make up their mind what they really want at the moment the end has already been pre-written. So, you can either go along with the drama by asking "us" what's going on and what to do; or you can just make up your own mind and communicate it clearly. If he doesn't like what you have to say then that's a different story. He can either leave or accommodate to your choices. But somebody has to make a decision. So much for the concept of "communication is key".
You don't have to tell him "I don't want you to move in". You can just tell him that you're not comfortable with that move just yet but you want to keep the relationship going. It's that simple. He will either say ok in which case this thread is useless. Or he will become very offended by it in which case he is either too insecure, trying to control you, or can't pay his own rent and will end up taking advantage of you. None of these are what you want to live with. So...in the end, the talk will either give you both a positive result, or it will give YOU a positive result by ending a relationship that would've been undesirable anyways. | |
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| Is it cold feet?
Posted: 7/2/2009 3:57:39 AM | I would have thought the getting to know you phase should include understanding his perspective as to why his marriage ended....we are all creatures of habit...
if you haven't got to know that it begs the question what else of importance you haven't got to know about each other that might help in understanding what is going on here.. | |
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| Is it cold feet?
Posted: 7/2/2009 8:12:52 AM | Hrm, details are a bit limited.
Nonetheless, perhaps he's a bit of a fast mover and felt that the relationship is at a bit of a stand still. You've had great times and all, but there's still some sort of hurdle you (both) need to overcome.
However, 4.5 months is really extreme to be talking about moving in together. You'd have to be sure the "moving in" comment wasn't just a thought in passing or a discussion for the distant future. If it -wasn't-, I'd question his psychological profile. | |
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| Is it cold feet?
Posted: 7/2/2009 10:46:06 AM | You did the right thing by talking to him about what was going on. He has told you exactly how he sees the stage of your relationship and he obviously has much unresolved things from his past relationship.
The only thing you can really do is to remind him that from your perspective, you can continue with the way things are currently going and see where it goes. He seems to be under the impression that each things HAD to happen at a “reasonable time” but, that is not the case. You both can continue dating for eons before the two of you may decide to take another step together; and THAT’S olay! | |
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| Is it cold feet?
Posted: 7/2/2009 12:14:56 PM | People are quick to tell you to dump him and I find it depressing. You have no way of knowing what he has in mind. Sounds like he has a huge conflict going - on one hand, he feels the pressure to commit, on the other hand, he feels not ready to commit. It is tearing him apart. It's a tough one. I don't think you can do much more than try to help him relax, feel comfortable, but most of all - concentrate your attention on yourself not on him. That might help him to shift his focus a bit as well.
If you were to post it in realtionship forum you would get more than 20 responces. I think it would make for an intereting thread. | |
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